Leaf on the Wind

I'm still doing better than I was for a while. Though given how badly I was doing for most of that while, that's maybe not as much of an accomplishment as it feels like.

My vacation with Guitarist was great. Even though he started getting sick with the crud I had the week before, we ended up having a really good time. The day after the wine tasting, I was depressed. Not shocking there, since alcohol does that, and it was only mildly and for one day.

The day after we got back, we refinanced our house to a lower interest rate. This pleases me greatly. I intend to keep making the payments I'm making now and just throwing the extra at the principal. I know our taxes/escrow will go up slightly next year because of an animal shelter millage that passed (hooray!), but even if it does, the extra will amount to two extra payments a year. At this rate, we will pay off our mortgage about 9 years early and save over $20k in interest. I can have our house paid off by the time I'm 50. So that makes me happy. I've been wanting to take advantage of lower interest rates for a while, but when I was majorly depressed, I just didn't have the energy to.

I'm feeling better overall about the end of my relationship with Purr. There were a lot of things I enjoyed about our relationship, but it was difficult in other ways. I'm almost to the point where I'm able to set aside the really heavy emotions and be able to talk to her again. Almost. Some days I feel nearly normal, but other days I'm still feeling quite betrayed and angry.

I'm also starting to look forward to dating again. Not right away--I have a bunch of stuff planned in October and November is NaNoWriMo, so I'll have no time then either, but maybe in December or January I will fire up OKC and update my profile and questions. For now, I'm just going to enjoy the thrill of anticipation at unknown possibilities.
 
In the waiting room at my counselor's office. I'm one of those perpetually early types of people. I'm glad these days that I have a smart phone. I also tend to haul books around for some quick reading, but today I forgot the one I'm currently into at home though.

Guitarist and I had a friend out last night that we haven't seen in forever, since she's been working second shift. She got tired and left super early, so as well as getting to see her, I got to make some granola. Then I ate way too much granola and ended up not having the sexy times with Guitarist that we'd semi planned on. It was fine with him because he's still super sick. Sick enough that he moved his date tonight with Spice to Friday in the hopes that he'll be more recovered.

Saturday I'm doing a Halloween Zoo thing with my sister and my niece, then going to my parents' house for dinner. Or at least, I'm tentatively planning on going there for dinner. My dad is being a real jerk lately. In all this mental health stuff, I pretty much forgot that bow hunting season was coming up and we had tentatively planned on going together this year (which would have required me to get one of his old bows recammed). He's being extremely sulky and passive aggressive about it. I'm somewhere between wanting to call him and let him know what happened, and just ignoring him because I really don't have the spoons for his shit right now.
 
Honestly, I think your therapist is right about your relationship with the Kittens. I'm not sure how old they are, but as an example, as much as my five-year-old *adores* AnotherArtist, he doesn't *miss* him when he isn't around and has only asked "when is AA coming over?" when he hears me mention AA to TheKnight - and it's clearly a "do we get to do something fun" not a "I miss this person" type relationship.
 
Yeah, I have the feeling it was the right decision. My counselor agrees. But it is the most difficult for me, because I'm essentially losing three people I cared about instead of just one. Not permanently though I hope. I still intend to be friends with Purr, if she would like that, after my mental reset period. Which possibly means being invited to childrens' birthday parties, etc.

Meanwhile, I'm very excited about taking my niece to the zoo today. They are doing a halloween event. It means I get to trot out my Wednesday Addams shirt and my dark purple lipstick. Also it means I get to see my niece, who I haven't seen in almost a month (damn split custody!).

I'm torn between two activities for tonight. On the one hand, Thrash is going to a charity thrash metal event in nearby city and I'd love to join him. On the other hand, I'm not really sure I'm up for such an alcohol-soaked environment when I'm not able to drink, even though Thrash himself doesn't drink. I highly doubt I'd get in the pit sober for instance. And the venue is really shitty and in a shitty part of town. I might just stay home.

It depends on how socialed-out I'm feeling after the zoo.
 
I was extremely grumpy yesterday. I did about a week's worth of work in a day because work is very stressful right now. But when I got home, Guitarist cuddled me and put rice in the rice maker for me, and I took a short nap, so it ended up working out.
 
Ugh I have so much to do at work and it sucks and my head hurts from thinking so much and I just want a blanket and a nap and maybe a cuddle with a love.
 
Finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with work stuff. I'd say you'll be hearing more from me soon, but it's almost November/NaNoWriMo so.... no. You probably won't. Only if stuff in my life goes horribly wrong ;)
 
I'm thinking about doing NaNoWriMo again too. I tried it a couple of years ago and enjoyed it. (Did not finish my novel but did write more than I thought I could.)

Go you!
 
If you do give it a try, I strongly recommend going to as many of your local in-person events as you can. That's how I manage to be so successful at it. If I have GONE to a place, I'm going to spend my time there writing.

Speaking of which, tonight is a NaNoWriMo prep meeting. Then tomorrow I'm going to a friend's house to watch some Ru Paul and Guitarist may come with. I'm going to dub this friend Tiny. I'm sure I've mentioned her before but she's been working second shift forever so I haven't seen much of her in the past couple years. She used to live upstairs from me in one of my old apartments and worked at the same place as Guitarist (twice! two different jobs). We used to go to Pride together, etc. I've missed her and I'm glad I'll be seeing her more.

Saturday I'm watching my niece from 10 to 4, since my sister is going to be working. My sister is going to drop her off with my at the library and we'll see where the day takes us from there.

Sunday is our NaNoWriMo kickoff party. And then Monday it starts: we're having an online write-in from 12 am to 2 am Tuesday, with many events to follow. Wednesday I'm giving a presentation to my local writers' association. And Thursday is another, in-person write-in.

Between all that, I have counseling and trying to see Guitarist occasionally. He proposed having Spice and Spicewife over for another board gaming evening and looked a little hurt when I told him not in November. It's like... dude. I'm super busy.

In other poly news, Flame finally has his own place. He has broken things off with the unhealthy roommate and seems to be very excited about having his own space. I need to remember to book a flight out there at some point, but I want to make sure he's settled, and it's a little too early to book for January yet.

I think I've mostly recovered from the breakup with Purr. I messaged her to let her know that the communication embargo was off, but we're in that awkward place still. Her birthday was recently, and that hurt, since I had planned some things for that, but it's mostly just the occasional missing her at this point.

My counselor gave me some strategies for dealing with my dad if he continues to be a jerk. It's pretty standard stuff, but it's good to have it broken down into steps and to explore possibilities and what I'd do with them. 1) state my position, 2) do not defend it, 3) do not criticize him, 4) don't expect him to change. My position is that going hunting is not going to work for me this year. The reason, which he doesn't need to know, is that he's being a jerk about it and I'm angry with him.

Dealing with my parents is pretty much the main focus of my counseling right now. They bring me a lot of stress, which jerks my moods up and down, and I need to love myself enough to be protective of my mental health. If that means less contact with my dad in more controlled situations, then that's what needs to happen.

I'm pretty seriously busy with NaNoWriMo anyway. I'm not going to take time away from something I enjoy to spend time with him that I'm not going to enjoy.
 
Today is Kitten 2's birthday and I'm missing Purr and my Purr family hardcore. I should be focused on work first, NaNoWriMo second, but instead I'm focused on Feels.

I'm wondering when moments like this will stop punching me in the gut. Over a year after my breakup with Marian and I'm just starting to feel normal/nothing about seeing her name on Facebook. I may have to "unfollow" Purr for a while, for the sake of my sanity. But I really don't want to. It's my major line on surreptitiously checking to make sure they're okay.

But maybe I shouldn't be doing that.

I don't know.

Back to work I go. I need to get these things done so that I can justify writing on my lunch break.
 
This will be a brief update because I'm just about nodding off at the keyboard. But I tend to post less when things are going well, which might give a really skewed view of my life.

So. Things are going well lately. I saw my psychiatrist and she thinks my medications are working well for me so we aren't changing those, which is a huge relief. Counseling continues to help with perspectives on dealing with my parents. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to slip back into depression, but I'm mostly in the middle phase, the phase where I am not really feeling 'meh' but not exactly happy either. Usually this phase only lasts three or four weeks before another depression hits. I've already broken that record. It's hard to express how much that counseling and medication have improved my quality of life.

In miscellany, I got to help a friend with a thing she needed help for while trying to decide to re-establish a relationship with her own narcissistic father. And I'm 20k words into my NaNoWriMo novel on day 6 and it's trucking right along, I'm not frustrated with or tired of it yet. I also bought myself a new vibrator as a happy NaNoWriMo present, because my present one refuses to hold a charge. I'm not sure what's more frustrating between not having a vibrator or having one that can't keep up the speed I need for as long as I need it to. It's like having a slow internet versus having no internet. Neither is wonderful.

Nothing happening on the poly front, Guitarist and Spice are still happy and Guitarist and I are still happy and Flame and I are in less contact than I'd like but what's new about that because long distance, so everything is going well in established relationships. I still miss Purr and the kittens, but that is what it is.

And in the best news, Guitarist's dad is out of the hospital (he had a stroke and then a life-threatening infection, I don't know if I remembered to blog about that and I'm too tired to check) and Guitarist went to see him at the physical therapy place. It sounds like they had a real heart to heart, which isn't surprising, given that his dad almost died twice in the last month, and was about 50-50 on living through pneumonia last year. I'm so relieved that he's doing better, though the stroke did ravage some of his basic systems, like walking, typing, and reading. It sounds like he's making progress in physical therapy and has plans for getting his life back on track. Super lots of relief.
 
Shoe, dropped.
 
Yesterday was a day of grief. Guitarist was supposed to have a date last night with Spice but he really wasn't feeling up to leaving the house. I suggested that Spice could come over if that would be easier on him and we ended up all comforting and commiserating over pizza. We did lots more talking, Spice Wife joined us after her dinner date, and they stayed late.

I made some major decisions. I could go one of two ways: "Those Anarcho Punks Are Mysterious" or "Raise Your Voice." I decided to go the second route.

I retired from the roleplaying game I love so much to take that creative energy that I spend there and dump it into my writing. I write speculative fiction with LGBTQ+ characters, mostly YA. These stories need to be told now more than ever. I am going to put everything I can into telling them and telling them so well that they can reach the audiences I want them to reach.

Yesterday, I grieved. Today, I start writing again.
 
I went to a NaNoWriMo thing tonight and met yet another polyamorous local writer. That makes three of us in our region who go to in-person events.

In other news, the night itself was very... hard. I'd been crying off and on at work, which was fine because I was alone in my office, but I have a Thing about crying in front of people. I'm not even really okay with crying in front of Guitarist. I've been fluctuating between burn everything down angry, determined, and depressed today, but the anxiety is a constant. Still, I knew that I needed to do writing, so I parked myself in the corner I have quietly nicknamed quiet corner in my head, put my headphones on, cranked the volume on Ramin Djawadi up to 16/20, and just kept my head down and wrote. 6000 words.

It's highly unlike me not to be a cheerful interactive presence at NaNo events. I got a couple of concerned looks, and one of my friends (who follows me on twitter and thus knows how queer I am) quietly offered support and accepted graciously when I said I didn't want to talk, which I greatly appreciated. It was working for me. I was even comfortable enough to take out my headphones after the second word sprint and interact with people in the quiet corner, including New Poly Writer.

Then I made the mistake of taking out my headphones when the event was over to pack up my computer. Hoo boy. Extremely loud political commentary by Bernie Bro Woman. Got those babies jammed back in before too long, but the waitress hadn't delivered the check, so I was sitting there for 20 minutes just getting more and more anxious. Edge of panic attack anxious. I finally just left and tracked down the waitress and paid my bill, but by then I was shaking and sweating.

I almost hit a deer on the way home. Fortunately I was driving about 10 mph under the speed limit because of the whole unable to swallow/not sure about whether I'd have to pull off the road for a dizzy spell issue, and it got out of my way (instead of jumping at my car, like they like to do). I'm finally calming down enough to feel human, except my hands are still shaking and I'm still on the edge of tears, but it will get better.
 
No panic attacks today and I only cried once. I went to my half-niece's birthday party today, after writing, after getting my hair cut, and had a Real Talk with my mom about how concerning things are as a member of the LGBTQ+ community. She did not know about Pence. She did not know that people I know have already been targets of violence, including one set of Spice and Spicewife's friends, whose door was vandalized on Day 3. After she left, she texted me that she loves and supports me and that she does not believe Americans as a whole will accept this climate of hate.

So it was a surprised and touched sort of crying, not the hopeless anxious depressed sort of crying I've been doing the past few days. My mom has come a long way guys. I'm lucky.

I also tried to eat a slice of birthday cake and then threw up said cake slice because my stomach is a pit of acid every time I'm out in public but hey, I did NOT have ANY panic attacks today, even while driving. I'm calling it progress.

I'm trying to fight the anxiety and depression. Trying to balance all the negative thoughts with something good. My friends have been amazing. Guitarist and Flame have been amazing. I'm still preparing for the worst, but I'm trying not to drown myself in it.
 
Pence is scary to me, too. Not just his position on lgbtq issues, but his position on addiction related issues. His refusal to allow clean needle exchanges in Indiana contributed to an hiv crisis in one county. But I have faith that the Republicans will lose power of the House and/or Senate in two years. And probably the presidency in four. We'll be ok.....
 
I hope so. A big part of it is my LGBTQ identity and the fact that friends have had their doors vandalized two days in a row now with death threats for being "fagats." It hasn't been that long since the Pulse massacre and bigots are feeling very emboldened right now. On the other hand, I'm pretty straight-passing and don't go out a lot. In a lot of ways I'm less concerned about myself than violence directed at my friends in the LGBTQ and other minority communities.

And I've studied history too much to feel secure. When democracies are shifting economic models, like we are right now, they are very vulnerable to political turmoil, and a lot of modern governments are growing more authoritarian, curtailing personal liberties in favor of "security." I was worried about this before the election. I'm more worried about this now. On the one hand, our democratic institutions are stronger than they are in in other modern democracies that have recently descended into authoritarianism. On the other hand, NATO and the EU have prevented lots of wars. We will be much less safe if these institutions are allowed to collapse further. I'm not sure that 'fixing it' in 2 or 4 years won't be too little, too late.

Anyway, there's my dose of history/political science optimism for today.
 
I'm still writing, even though at this point it's a lot of forcing myself to write instead of writing from the joy of it. I'm up at 40k words into the novel for the month.

I've gotten my passport application stuff together and intend to get a passport photo/go to the post office tomorrow to get that all sent off. If I hadn't changed my name with my marriage I wouldn't have to go in person, but I did, and I don't want to wait for a certified copy of my marriage license, so I guess it'll be waiting in line for me. We will also need to get a certified copy of Guitarists's birth certificate to do his so we'll have to do his at a later time. Just getting moving on that is making me feel better.

It's not that I want to leave the country. It's that I think it's wise to have an exit plan in place just in case since we're a couple of outspoken queers, and getting this stuff together is something concrete to do to make myself feel a little better. Besides, we've always wanted to do a little traveling, so it's not like having our passports will be a bad thing.

In poly news, there's not really all that much news. I'm continuing along in the new normal, with is which me writing basically as a second full time job, Guitarist seeing Spice (who I really like and am very comfortable with), and maybe possibly who knows at this point seeing Flame in January. That part of my life is very comfortable right now and, while sometimes I seriously miss dating a woman, I'm not really inclined to shake it up.
 
It took like 6 hours from start to finish (including the part where one post office directed me to another and then I had to drive home and get the SEALED version of my marriage license), but my passport renewal is being processed. Hooray.
 
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Existing today. Therapy tonight, and Guitarist will be over at Spice's house when I get home. I was going to pick myself up a sandwich on my way home but my friend took me out to lunch and I haven't really been able to eat lately so I have leftovers. I actually have two sets of leftovers to eat and plenty of groceries now.

I have to curb the spending again, anyway. It was a nice month where I had an extra couple hundred bucks, but that month is half gone, the money is 2/3 gone, and I'd better get used to my reduced budget again.
 
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