Leaf on the Wind

Noooooo I have a headache. It's shark week, the boys are going to be here any moment, I'm hungry, and I have a headache. Maybe they'll be well-behaved?
 
I wrote a long fucking post about a fight Guitarist and I had this morning, and then deleted it with my fucking phone.

.... tldr: we got it sorted out, but I'm a hot mess today at work.
 
Since that's very vaguebook and I'm utterly unable to concentrate today, I'm giving this another shot.

I woke up from a dream in which Guitarist sold our house without my consent to fund a music project and then got arrested for defrauding his supporters and btw they kicked me out of my house after about 4 hours of sleep. My brain started drawing all these unfair comparisons between Guitarist and my exfiancé.

I realized that, even though I told him I would be totally cool to solo pay the mortgage for as long as necessary, it's actually really freaking me out.

What I thought I said: I'm sorry I said I could do this but I actually can't
What he heard: you're a financial failure and a dead beat

It went about as well as you'd expect.

In trying to explain WHY I was freaking out, I tried to explain that I was having post-traumatic flashbacks to how I had been basically working two full time jobs while exf stayed home and played video games all day. I prefaced it by saying the comparisons were illogical and unfair, but what he heard was an accusation. So he snapped, I got frustrated and angry and cried. And eventually we figured out where the miscommunications were (I don't explain myself very well verbally sometimes, which can play very poorly with his tendency to get defensive).

It's not even about the mortgage.

He said, he feels like he'll never make enough money to cover half of everything. It Is Not The Money. It's feeling like the whole future of our family is on my shoulders and that he's disengaged from it, feeling like I can't bring up financial issues without triggering his insane defensiveness about not having a career position in some 9 to 5. It's feeling like I have to worry about finances all by myself by myself because if I even mention money he gets depressed, but who else can I talk about it? It's having to bottle my worries and tiptoe because if he's depressed he can't create, which turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy about whether he can make this work or not. I very badly want this to work for him, and if it doesn't, then it's my fault because I couldn't suck it up and just handle it. And I'd better get it right or there goes everything. But no pressure.

I really want his artistic dreams to come true. I know he's working very hard on them. But to have the sole responsibility for everything, to the point I can't even talk with him about it, seriously stresses me out, which makes me jealous (of what, you might ask, his own very high stress levels and no money? but we aren't in logic land Toto!) that he "gets" to stay home (where he works!) and resentful. And then I question whether he'd do the same for me.

I've told him that I don't really care if we lose the house, and I mean it. But he's never said the same thing. I've only ever heard how much he loves the house and how perfect it is. If I wanted to quit my job and write full time, if we had to go back to living poor in a tiny apartment, would we work. That's what terrifies me about being responsible for the whole damned mortgage. Would he support my dreams like I'm supporting his. I've been here before and the answer was no. I want to believe with Guitarist the answer is yes. I'm pretty sure it would be. But when I'm stressed and depressed, that part of my brain whispers that no really the answer is probably no.

So basically all I needed to hear was "I'm not him and that isn't happening." Instead, I got a huge fight. Toxic masculinity isn't just toxic for women
 
Things have been good since Guitarist and I had our fight. It broke the ice on some issues I'd been suppressing, and therefore had been stressing me out more than they needed to be, and led to some good reassurance from him and realizations on my part. Part of my issue is that I can be very intensely jealous of him being able to work on creative things all day, every day. I wish I could do that, but I feel trapped in having to work my 9-to-5 (because I am, mostly by student loans). It's unfair to take that out on him, so I'm going to try to recognize when it's creeping up on me and nip it in the bud.

There's another thing that's bothering me, involving Guitarist and Purr's relationhip. I can see why triads might implode spectacularly. It's difficult to stay silent on the sideline while a person you love is having difficulty. But I wouldn't know how much of what to say that wouldn't be crossing a line, or whether any statements or advice would be truly unbiased, so it's better to just not to say anything at all. I'm not a "say nothing" kind of gal, particularly not when it comes to people I care about, so it's difficult for me, even though I know it's the best course of action.
 
I think Guitarist and Purr are breaking up. Purr had an unexpected Kittens free weekend (her ex-hub actually asked if he could have the boys all weekend with no prompting from Purr) and came over on Saturday night even though I warned her I've been basically in Social Go! mode for two weeks now and I was sick and just needed a night to just introvert by myself with video games. I emerged from my office after they finished a movie and we all cuddled on the couch. It was Purr and Guitarist's night for the bed, and I was sick anyway, so I kind of slept but mostly just coughed all night on the couch.

I woke up super early in the morning. Not a peep from the bedroom until around noon, at which point Guitarist came out and said "Purr and I just had a talk and we'll talk about it later and I'm okay but I think Purr's really upset."

So I went in and comforted Purr for a while. She said, "I'm not sure how much of this I should be telling you, but SPILL GUTS." And I said I'm sorry (over and over again) and that I love her and when they figure out what they want/need/are doing, I'll adjust. And also that I'm not going to give either any advice or triangulate anything, so they need to sort it out themselves and then let me know.

I made lunch and Purr and I napped on the couch a while, or I napped while Purr was on the phone, I was pretty sick and out of it, and she seemed to be doing okay.

But then she went to take a shower and came back out all emotional and asked to talk to us both. She monologued for a while about how she really wants to try to make their relationship work and doesn't want to give up on their relationship if there's any chance to salvage it. Guitarist didn't say anything. I was feeling on the spot, so I just said that when they figured it out I would adjust.

If that ever happens again, I'm just going to leave. It was profoundly uncomfortable. I have no business 'sitting in' on their relationship talks. Yes, the ultimate decisions affect me, but I have nothing to contribute to the discussion. It's not my relationship.

And then Purr went home. And then Guitarist said (I shit you not, in almost the exact same words) "I'm not sure how much of this I should be telling you, but SPILL GUTS." And I told him that I'm sorry and that I love him and that I won't give advice or triangulate, etc etc.

It's very difficult for me to not try to help or give advice. But I know that that's really the only thing to do in this situation. They will or won't figure it out for themselves. But it's REALLY HARD when my impulse is to try to make things better.

I can't make things better. They'll have to do that, or not, for themselves.
 
I had a good talk with Purr last night about my boundaries about what's going on with her and Guitarist's relationship. Tonight is my usual seeing-Purr night, so we'll see how it goes. I've tried to make my boundaries all things that I won't do, because I know I can control that--I won't offer advice, or try to say what Guitarist is saying/thinking, just like I won't do that in the opposite direction--but it's going to take a lot of self-control on my part.

I predict it'll be an exhausting night, but I really want to give Purr all the hugs.
 
I've been venting a lot of negative things lately because it's winter and I'm down and there are negative things to vent about, but there are positive things too.

Guitarist is actually going to get some of his music finished. By which I mean recorded, mastered, and available online. Every day is one step closer to him completing his process. Watching his face light up when he talks about it makes me happy that I'm contributing to something that has such a positive meaning for him.

And things continue to be up with Flame. His ex-related breakdowns are fewer and more far between and he's decided to try to get healthy again. Just in time to prompt me to stop letting myself go in a serious way. I'm back to eating better, drinking more water, and exercising. Guitarist is getting healthier as well. It's just easier to do when you have accountability and moral support.

I also talked with Guitarist about the possibility of my flying out to visit Flame at some point, and he was "marginally more for than against." We don't have an OPP or anything, but I know he feels more threatened by other men, so that he's for it at all is a big deal. It's an even bigger deal when I think about what it says about his security. He admits he's concerned that I might leave him, which I try to handle with as much aplomb as possible, because I don't think bursting into giggles would help.

Or sarcasm. "Yes! I'm going to abandon an awesome and stable ship for someone extremely similar to you, but unknown! I'm prepared to discard our six years of history and trust building and awesome sex for PRESUMABLY awesome sex from someone else!" Pretty sure that would count as trolling.

I don't even know if there's physical chemistry there. I have enough emotional chemistry with Flame to be attracted... but I had a lot of emotional chemistry with one of my friends from middle school when we were all in college, and the sex was awful. Who even knows.

As came up when I was dating Marian, sex isn't even a relationship NEED for me, not when I'm getting my purely physical needs fulfilled elsewhere. My physical contact needs are satisfied by cuddling, to the extent that I need them to maintain a connection at all. Cuddling isn't even necessary for that. I'm still very deeply emotionally connected to Flame, despite the fact that I haven't seen him since last July.

So that's the other stuff that's happening. It isn't all crisis all the time in the Leaves house.
 
I'm still alive! Just very, very busy. Besides, it's hard to keep blogging when nothing much has changed. I'm still dating Purr, Purr and Guitarist seem broken up but I'm not going to ask, and my life is largely on "normal" mode.
 
Have I mentioned before how I can see how triads might implode spectacularly when one of the relationships stops working or gets strained? I think my "no interference" strategy is working. It's also really stressful, because of the two people I'd vent to about things are both people that I can't vent to. At least at this point, I don't feel like anyone is trying to stick me in the middle. To the contrary, they're really respecting my boundaries, which is very refreshing since the last time I set boundaries was during my parents divorce-like period and that went horribly.

This is why having friends outside my relationships is important. Flame has really been pulling his weight in terms of external emotional support and general cheering up. After talking with Guitarist and Purr, I'll be vacationing with him (again this year) in late July or early August. Lately, he's feeling a lot more like a long-distance boyfriend than a long-distance best friend, but I'm not super invested in labels. That dynamic has definitely changed.

There's so much fucking change lately that I could just scream. Aren't things supposed to become settled and boring at some point? I mean, I'm 30. Come on.

In good news, I'm extremely excited that I get to watch my niece this weekend. My sister and her baby daddy broke up recently as well, so she's been spending half the time at dad's house. Which means mom's house time is precious to my sister, so there are less babysitting opportunities. Anyway, my niece is turning three in a couple of months, but is already SO THREE in demeanor. She's full of energy and curiosity and sass and I love it.

Anyway, time to get back to work. I think I'm off my non-blogging hiatus, so I'll maybe be updating more in the future. We'll see! When things start to feel mandatory, I get a lot less enthused about them.
 
It's also really stressful, because of the two people I'd vent to about things are both people that I can't vent to.

I think I'm off my non-blogging hiatus, so I'll maybe be updating more in the future. We'll see! When things start to feel mandatory, I get a lot less enthused about them.

You can definitely always vent here! (I sure do!) But it's not mandatory—just because we like your posts and miss you when you're gone doesn't mean that there's an expectation to keep things up! :)
 
I know there isn't. Well. Except the expectations I put on myself. Most of my expectations exist solely in my own head. My last couple weeks have gone like this:

I should blog X!
Should? ... fuck should. I'm going back to the couch.

Also, to be completely honest, I bit off more than I could chew, writing wise. Between two blogs, guest-contributing to a third blog now, and being on submission for one book while in the planning stage of another book, my writing energy has just poofed. Combined with the emotional drain of Guitarist and Purr breaking up (?) (I'm still not asking), I'm going through life half-exhausted, seeking comfort in mindless video games whenever I can squeeze out time.

/vent

As far as the venting goes, it's mostly just wanting to yell at everyone to just talk to each other. But neither of them are very good communicators. It seems to me that there's a lot of fear and avoidance on both sides under the guise of good reasons. From my perspective, it looks like no one wants anyone to get hurt (compassion is good!) so they avoid talking about hard topics so that no one gets hurt (avoidance is not so good!). And of course neither wants to hurt me or affect my relationship with the other, because they're still both good, caring people who legitimately love me and don't want me hurt either... but that seems to turn into an excuse for inaction.

So what can I do. I can't communicate for them, that's in my rules for a reason. And I've told them both that I'm a big girl, dedicated to both of them, and I'm not about to turn against anyone. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty self-aware and besides, if I perceived someone trying to turn me against someone else, alarm bells would go off and we would TALK ABOUT IT. Nobody can make me do anything I don't want to do, including getting or staying mad at someone I love. If that happened, I'd at least be complicit because the lack of communication would be on me.

Anyway. My mantra right now is: they will work or they won't, and unless either of them breaks up with me, I'm going to do my damndest to hang onto them both.

/end vent
 
I was supposed to see Purr tonight, as the backup for not getting to see her Tuesday since I had a board meeting. Instead, the weather has decided to shit all over my plans. In good news, work sent us home early (and my boss said don't bother to come in tomorrow if the roads are bad), but in bad news, if the roads are bad tomorrow I might not get to see Purr at all this week.

I cried about that a little. I'm also clearly PMSing, because that's not really something to cry about.

Had a conversation with Flame last night that went something like this:
Me: I don't want you to hold yourself back from dating locally because of this long-distance thing we're starting to have, I'd feel bad if you missed out on an awesome local possibility on my account. I'll continue to love you, even if she's mono and I have to go back to not expressing it.
Him: Okay. I don't want to date anyone right now. Where's this coming from?
Me: It's just a worry I have.
Him: We'll see how it goes. I don't feel like I can open up to others, but if it happens, we'll all be happy.

"Please date other people if it'll make you more happy" is probably one of the most poly conversations I've had, after "being married sure spoils my dating game."
 
So the week has gone pretty horribly. I didn't get to see Purr our usual night because of a giant snow storm. Instead, I stayed home and played the online game I'm basically dating... and my character died. The game is permadeath, so that means that character's story has come to a close, despite that I was really enjoying playing her.

Which was bad enough, but then Guitarist pointed out that if I'd been at Purr's, I wouldn't have been playing that night and my character wouldn't have died. THANKS DEAR.

Our backup night was going to be the next night, and Purr was able to leave the kittens at their grandparents' house, so we were going to have an actual date. I got super excited, got dressed up, put on makeup, and then... got my car stuck. I was in the road at the time, but blowing snow from the farm fields had drifted the road over in several places. I eventually got unstuck, but I could see another car stuck up the road, and I was super stressed out, so I called Purr and just went home. I was pretty upset about it.

Cue Friday. I texted my mom in the morning to ask what time I needed to come over to watch my niece (now dubbed Butterfly) and whether I needed to bring my air mattress. She was all like "I thought you were watching Butterfly at your house." Which, last time I watched her overnight, it was at mom's house, and my sister strongly implied that was the plan this time. But I guess no one cleared that with my mom, and she had to get up early and was concerned about the noise. So I had to wake up Guitarist to ask if that was okay, and he was really put out by having plans changed last minute and having his house unexpectedly invaded when he was planning on having some alone time.

So it was like, who do I inconvenience here.

Fortunately, after we talked about it a little later when he was more awake, and after I explained the circumstances (it was my bad for assuming), Guitarist said we could stay here. I ended up having a really fun time with Butterfly. She's very mellow and well-behaved, so it was basically a montage of playing with my pets while watching My Little Pony. I got very little sleep because the air mattress we were sleeping on deflated so I was basically sleeping on the floor. This morning, we played outside in the snow a little. I wanted to take her to the library for story time, but she's coughing and sneezing and rather listless, so I think I've revised that plan to just hanging out at home.

I'm supposed to overnight at Purr's house tonight. I want to be excited. But I'm tired. And after the way things went with the storm, I don't want to get my hopes too high, and I'm worried that I'm going to be all tired and no fun. But at the same time, I don't want that to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, so I guess we'll see!
 
I had a lovely time at Purr's house Saturday night. We ended up opting for the stay in and watch a movie route. Of course, there's a winter weather advisory for this Tuesday. Go ahead and fuck with all of my Purr days, winter. It's cool.

We've decided on Wednesday as a backup day.

Sunday was supposed to be a date night with Guitarist. I scheduled it specifically because we haven't had a date night in a couple of weeks and I basically have felt like we're just existing in the same space instead of carrying on a relationship together. So we decided on Friday that we'd go out for dinner, have some quality couch/TV time, and have some sex on Sunday night.

Except when I got home on Sunday at around non, a clearly sleep deprived Guitarist said, "I accidentally stayed up all night."

And my whole good mood just crashed and burned. What better way to communicate that something isn't actually important to you than to do something else to the point that you're physically incapable of doing the thing you said we were going to do? Any watching of movies or a TV show is pointless if he's just going to fall asleep. Anyway, my feelings were quite hurt. And then he was all defensive and upset that I was upset.

I decided to try to make the best of it, because what else could I do at that point. We did early dinner and sex, but I really wasn't feeling it. I hate having plans changed on me and I was feeling like I'm an afterthought at best, that I'm the only one looking forward to having some quality time. It wasn't the night I was hoping to have.

And it leaves me wondering why I even bothered. I get that we're both stressed out and depressed lately, but to me that means we should be making more of an effort to have some quality time together, not less. Before this, I thought that part of the problem might be that I've been busy and haven't made myself available. Except now that's clearly not the case, because even when I made myself available, his behavior tells me that he doesn't actually value quality time and would that he'd actually rather be in his own little world of video games than spending time with me. Apparently I'm the only one feeling a little neglected here.

Anyway, I'm pretty depressed today and feeling it twice as hard because I had such a good time Friday night and Saturday. Tonight we have to do grocery shopping, but after that I think I'm just going to take the night for writing and my own video games. I know that I should talk to him about it, but I just don't have the emotional energy right now. Especially not to deal with him being defensive when I feel like I'm justified in having hurt feelings right now.
 
It's barely half way through the day and I've already dealt with two crises and finished a project at work. Go me!

I did end up talking with Guitarist last night about how he hurt my feelings on Sunday. He actuall wasn't defensive at all. He did say that he wasn't trying to communicate disinterest, to which I responded that it wasn't what he was actually saying that was the problem, but how his actions felt to me. He apologized and that went a huge way toward calming the emotional doom-spiral I was in yesterday.

This is why I talk about things instead of letting them fester.

As for today. The drive in to work today took me 45 minutes instead of 25, and it just keeps on snowing. Purr and I preemptively moved out date night to tomorrow.

That was another huge load off. I'd been dreading it since we learned on Saturday it was going to storm again. But having it resolved (along with the knowledge that she'd be with Sunshine today, and I'll get to see her tomorrow) cut the legs out from under all of my stress. Yes, we had to change plans. No, it's not the end of the world.

Then Flame texted me. He's in a bad way today, clearly having his own doom spirals over a thing having to do with the online game we both play. Except... I call it a game, but it's more or less Flame's life. He's still feeling too hurt and buffeted by his latest divorce, the betrayal of many of his friends (not including the ones he lost in his first divorce!), and the spectacular failure of his rebound relationship to really want to reach out to people. The result is that he's very socially isolated and way too invested in this game. So now that the game is going poorly for him, he's having a combined break down/mid life crisis. It's something I plan to discuss with him when he's less doomy, because he's very unhappy and this clearly isn't healthy.

In other news, I'm overdue for my period this month. I wish there was a way to be more regular that didn't involve going back on the pI'll (which had its own side effects) It seems like the longer the PMS goes on, the more unstable my emotional state gets. The good news is that today appears to be a stable day. Not good, but stable. I'll take it.

I saw some news about uterus transplants yesterday. Maybe someone would let me donate mine to the cause.
 
I've been very depressy lately, but I'm hoping that the recent swing in the weather is going to pick me up again (when the sinus headache disappears). All my relationships are going well, though! So that's something nice.
 
I finally seem to be kicking the depression that bogged me down again last week and into this week. I'm going to attribute it to the changing weather.

I got out of work early on Tuesday and spent more time with Purr. This included some time in the car just sitting in the sun (omg sun!), and my mood has been gradually on the up since then. I even rolled around in bed with Guitarist yesterday.

This weekend, as usual, promises to be busy. Tonight I have the monthly meeting of my writer's group. Guitarist might come with me, he might not. We kind of stayed up late last night eating pizza and watching Evil Politics Man. I went to bed at 1 am, but didn't fall asleep until well past 2, and then I had really strange dreams. Like, I was an Indian woman with a child. I had the most beautiful sari, but the baby kept doing things to it, and I ended up running it through a shredder because the baby was so obsessed with it that it wouldn't eat and was getting horribly skinny. I also dreamed about needing to research biochemistry at a library (not as the Indian woman, different dream) and running into Marian. It was a very awkward dream. I'm waiting for her semester to be over to reach out to her again. I don't like where our relationship ended, and I'd like to at least reassure myself that we can be on friendly terms.

Tomorrow night is an "off" night. I'll probably introvert for awhile and then finish Evil Politics Man with Guitarist. I'm thinking about picking up On the Edge of Gone, a new YA that is part of the #ownstories movement from one of the women from Disability in Kidlit. I'm super excited about it, I just don't know when I'm going to get to read it. Maybe tomorrow is the night.

I'm going to a steampunk-themed party with Purr on Saturday night. Thrash also invited me to a con event on Saturday day, but I don't think there's any way I can do both. It would require too much energy. A costume isn't required to either event, but anyone who knows me know that I love to costume.

I'm trying to figure out what to do for a top for the steampunk party, and how I'm going to wear my makeup. I don't have a hat. I wish I had a really cool hat, but I don't think there's time to find one, and even if I did, I couldn't afford it, so there it is.

I'm sleeping over at Purr's on Saturday night, and then I have my usual Sunday dinner at my parents'. I also need to do a bunch of house stuff on Sunday because in my depression I've been letting it slide. And then we're back to Monday again. Next week is packed and I won't have another off night until... Thursday.

Ah, I have to go to work!
 
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Last night's steampunk party with Purr was so much fun. Except for the part where I literally talked myself into an asthma moment, which hit right when I had my mouth full of beer, which resulted in me coughing beer on some poor unsuspecting guy, but he rolled with it once he realized what was happening, and when I could breathe again I apologized and he was very gracious. I got to meet a bunch of Purr's friends, including one old friend/new interest who I'm going to have to give a moniker to. Just not at this moment.

Because I'm so very, very hung over. Except I'm also bouncy and happy. It's a very odd combination. But winter is now over. I'm emerging from my depression cave, and it's great.
 
I ended up going to bed at like 8 pm last night and sleeping through until 7:30, which lets you know exactly how much sleep I got this weekend. It was very fun and busy, but I didn't want to look at less-fun busy week with a sleep deficit.

I had at least four really vivid dreams. I remember the last one best. I was at my parents' house for turkey dinner and there was a shrimp tray (dream hint number one: myself, my brother, and my dad are all deathly allergic to shellfish, so that would never happen). My brother picked it up, said he wasn't allergic to shrimp anymore, and proceeded to sprinkle the shrimp juice all over the turkey (lol.... right, that's so not him). I flipped the fuck out, threw my salad across the room, and retreated to I don't know where because my alarm clock went off. Another one involved me and Guitarist living in the trailer I grew up in and I was trying to take a shower but he wouldn't leave me alone because he wanted cough medicine and the shower was too far from the wall and he kept flushing the toilet and that would make the shower spray all over the bathroom and oh, he left the door wide open too.

I have very fun dreams.

Today, I have to do a variety of things I really don't want to. Starting with paying the March bills, moving into going to work, then doing grocery shopping. I'm also seriously considering disabling my OKC account. Guitarist hasn't been on there, the whole point of me re-enabling mine was to be linked to his account, and I'm just very sick of it. Tuesday is a board meeting, Wednesday is donating blood and then seeing Purr, Thursday is possibly free or possibly one of Guitarist's old work buddies is coming over, then it's the weekend again. I'm going to find recharge space somewhere. I'm just not exactly sure where yet.
 
Been fighting over text with my mom basically all morning.

In background, I agreed to host a family event at my house in July. Problem: it's also Guitarist's house, and I didn't ask him in advance, so that's been adding stress to our relationship.

On Sunday, at dinner at my parents' house, I was informed the weekend had been switched from July 4 to July 16. Not asked. Informed. I said something like, I thought it was the 4th? And they said, well people don't want to travel that weekend.

I'm not completely off the wall for thinking that that's an overstep, right? I mean, it's my fucking house. I should at least be consulted on when other people are going to be there.

Anyway, I took a few deep breaths and decided that I'd think about it and address it later. I also wanted to make sure that wasn't consulted about the date change. Hence the crazy family dreams last night. Anyway.

I got to work today and there is no way I agreed to that date. I requested other days off. The week before the 16th, my boss needs me at work. I couldn't request it off to fix up my house even if I wanted to, and there is no way I could ask Guitarist to do that solo after I agreed to this whole thing without consulting him.

It's too much to ask to the level of I'm not even going to make Guitarist say no.

So I told my mom this morning, look, I can change it to the weekend of the 8-9 but I can't do that other weekend. She had a fit. One of my aunts can't come if it's the other weekend, she'd clean up my house, stop worrying, etc. I said I couldn't stop worrying and have in fact been stressing out about it so much that I was throwing up this morning. Yay stress making me create excessive stomach acid.

Finally, she said fine. We'll have it at a park or something, rent a pavilion, stop worrying. Except not in the comforting let me fix this way, but in the exasperated you SAID you'd do this but way (literally, she gave me a litany about how I'd agreed to do it). And when she said that I started crying from relief.

She clearly wasn't expecting me to take her up on that. I mean, the tone was a "I'll guilt you into agreement" tone. But I said, yes, let's do that then, and told her how relieved I was to explore other options.

No response, so I do believe that she's now quite pissed. But I think I may be out of the family thing in July. Not 100% sure, so I'm going to wait to tell Guitarist, but I have my fingers crossed.
 
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