Leaf on the Wind

The kittens are exhausted and running around to keep themselves awake as long as possible. I know that I was a kid once, but this is behavior I entirely don't understand. It's like... you'd feel so much better if you went to sleep. Just go.

Meanwhile, I could use a nap hardcore. I must have touched something in the cafe that I was allergic to because I ended up with hives all over my cheek. Benadryl solved them, but not before unconsciously scratched my face off. Also, I'm a little tired for dealing with kittens.

Purr is preparing for one of the kittens to have a big birthday party this weekend. That's on Sunday. I'll probably come over early and help set up, but it'll be on the heels of a family reunion on Saturday, so I doubt I'll stay late. I'm feeling exceptionally over-socialed lately, and Purr isn't very good at delegating, so I'm not sure how much help she'll let me be, but oh well. I can be moral support I guess.

Still trying to decide what, if anything to do with my planned late July vacation. Still grumpy about that. Oh well. At least I'll be saving money.

Thinking about maybe visiting Flame at some point in the winter, when I need to get away from the snow, but I don't feel capable of planning that far in advance right now.

I've also had a realization about myself in general. I really don't do text-based cyber affection well. I don't know if that's a product of my demisexuality, my very literal mind, or what, but texting representations of things that aren't actually happening just kind of makes me frustrated and vaguely uncomfortable. It's like... yes, I would totally snuggle and pet you if you were here right now, but you aren't, and thinking about that points out the lack to me (no physical proximity) more than whatever emotional response I'd have if the person was physically nearby.

I've had this talk with Purr. I'm going to have to have it with Flame. It's weird, because I'm such a creature of playing pretend. I love online text-based roleplaying (I still play a MUD for pete's sake), and in-person roleplaying (tabletop, costuming), but pretending to a level of physical intimacy that doesn't exist just... I don't know, it almost upsets me because I'd rather have the real thing and I can't. Is that weird? It seems to be a weird thing about me since 2/3 of my relationship people seem to enjoy it.

Anyway, that's not a problematic thing right now, just some musing I've engaged in lately.
 
So my vacation plans have settled. I'm going to a club in semi-distant city for industrial night on Monday-Tuesday, overnighting with her local friend, and then going to the beach on Lake Michigan in a little resort-style town with Guitarist Wednesday-Thursday, or maybe even until Friday.

I'm so overwhelmed with everything else that I haven't even made hotel reservations yet.

My sister is thinking about moving her and my niece closer to her new boyfriend, who I've never met and don't really approve of. My sister tends to fall in whirlwind loves with inappropriate people. I'm trying not to judge him without having met him yet, but on the basis of some things she's said he has said, I have a feeling that he and I won't get along.

Right now I'm at the hair salon, waiting to get my hair trimmed. This weekend I have an all-day writing workshop Saturday and a recovery day Sunday.

That's pretty much it. My life is very boring lately, other than the stressful things I've already gone into.
 
Oh hi poly blog. It feels like it has been a long time.

I seem to be surfacing from a seriously depressed funk. It was fueled by a couple of factors, mostly stress and an illness that made it hard to maintain a good blood sugar (extremely necessary for a good mood!). Fortunately, a lot of my stressors have dissipated lately. I've resubmitted my manuscript, I didn't get the job I interviewed for (and so I don't have to move), my brother is back out of the country, and other stressful family stuff has resolved.

Taking stock of my poly life, I probably have a few things to process that I've been burying while I have barely had time to breathe.

I've been feeling really disconnected from Purr lately. Part of the double vacations I took as a treat to myself included an out of town date with Purr, which was very fun. But it was an action-packed sort of thing without much in the way of down time or sex. I think there was a total of like 3 hours spent sleeping in the hotel? There was a hot tub. And it was very fun but also exhausting for introvert me at the same time. I literally passed out on my feet when I got home. Apparently I was falling asleep standing up, and Purr and Guitarist told me to go to bed. I literally don't remember.

I attribute the disconnection feeling to a lack of physical affection. I'm not really big on kissing, but I do enjoy touching, and I'm trying to think of the last time we had a good cuddle. I think it was when she was dating Quiet. The last time we did anything sexual was ... ? So long ago I can't remember.

Part of it is probably her kids being out of school. On my weeknight, their bedtime is pretty much the same time that I have to leave in order to get up on time for work the next day, which means we usually get no alone time whatsoever. I'm hoping that with them going back to school (soon, very soon) this will change and I'll get my physically affectionate evenings back.

Also I was sick last week. The week before was Kitten 1's church-based soccer camp, where I didn't feel free to express myself affectionately at all. This is well over my 10-or-so-day needing contact before I start feeling disconnected thing. It's the kind of thing where with anyone else I would say, hey, I'm feeling disconnected here, but what is there to talk about? There is nothing in the situation to 'fix.' Things will probably get better on their own soon. All relationships have their up times and their down times.

Guitarist has decided to start dating again. He was checking out OKC a week or so ago, saying he didn't plan on dating anyone, until a woman messaged him who was a 99% match and it seems they hit it off over messages.

Fortunately, I'm not really shocked. This is a habit of Guitarist. He seems to test waters by saying "I'm not exactly planning on doing X" and when I say "I don't really care whether you do X" he makes a 'spontaneous' decision to do X. It was like this both times he quit his job. I don't think he even realizes how much of a pattern it is for him to declare he doesn't intend to do something that he actually does intend to do. I think with him, it's a defensiveness mechanism to people being opposed to the things he wants to do--he says he doesn't want to do them (I think probably not even himself having made up his mind) to test the reaction, which then gives him permission to 'spontaneously' make a decision to do the thing.

So when he said he wasn't planning on dating again I was like "right :rolleyes:". He is probably the only one surprised at himself.

Guitarist is anxious about the logistics and things of dating with no money. I offered to give him some money but he turned me down. He said it wouldn't make him feel comfortable having his wife subsidize a date. It feels like a bunch of patriarchy bullshit to me, though I understand not wanting to feel like he has an allowance or something. His line is that his lack of spending money is more or less by his choice, since he could always get another job. I suppose that's true, but then he wouldn't be as happy (which is a bonus to me) and he wouldn't be able to work as hard on his own projects as he is now.

Flame is engaged in a new relationship with his current roommate. He's deep in the throes of NRE and compersion for his situation is one of the buoying factors in my life.

And that's really most of the updates. I intend to get back into posting semi-regularly again, since I've been missing my space to process.
 
I had the kind of depressive episode yesterday that I haven't had in a good long while. I can think of a ton of factors but no concrete reasons. The day started with nightmares and progressed to a full-on lying in bed actively hating myself and everyone/everything else day. Guitarist wandered by at another point to ask how I was and I snarled at him and he went around the house like a kicked puppy. Which was exactly how I felt being nasty to him--like I was kicking a puppy. So I went outside and angrily killed a bunch of plants that needed to be weeded from the driveway anyway. And then came back I in the house and Guitarist held me until I felt somewhat better.

It's been since May that my depressed periods have been coming, going, and then coming back slightly worse. My brain crossed a long-drawn line into the territorial waters of suicidal ideation this time. Do not pass go, brain, do not collect $200. So as soon as I can get up the energy to do research and make phone calls, back to counseling I go. It's been 9 years. I'm apprehensive. Finding a good counselor is daunting. And I may opt for medication this time, depending on how things go. Yesterday was an extremely scary experience. Or, well, I'm scared today now that I have the sense to be scared. Chances are that I'll feel better shortly for a few days only to feel even worse. Every time I think I'm finally kicking out of it, but I'm not. And that's not okay.

Things I'm not doing until I can get appointments handled includes alcohol in any amount. It didn't escape my notice that this very bad day happened directly after gaming night, where I had a few beers. Alcohol is a depressant as well as a lowerer of inhibition. I need it to not be in my life right now.

Other things. This weekend I'm going to the beach and then to nearby city to see my college friends. One is getting married in March, another is pregnant. Time flies. I really don't want to go. I just want to stay home, but that's a symptom and it's counterproductive and if I go, I'll have a good time, so I'm going.

Guitarist will be seeing his new interest Thursday. I'm dubbing her Spice since they have a mutual interest in Dune. Then he's going to the zoo with his old work friends while I'm in the city, and from there to a friend's party.

Flame's roomie is interested in being "just friends" so apparently the thing he thought would turn into a thing was really only sex. And rebound sex on her part. I feel sad for him. He was getting all psyched about it but it's just another let-down.

Purr is getting her household ready to return to school. I'm seeing her tomorrow night. We're also making plans for the local pride gatherings the next weekend. Why ours is in August, who knows.

And then it's September already. There are lots of other things that I "should" do before then, especially writing things and things for my nonprofit, but they'll have to hold the phone.

So that's stuff.
 
I ended up canceling date night with Purr. Further indications that this is worse than my usual dysthemia. I'm not the kind of person that cancels things, generally speaking, but the thought of trying to pretend to be normal around the boys was making me panic. Full on extreme stomach pains and by the way I can't breathe panic. I started crying at work and had to go home. Just saying it makes me feel whiny and embarrassing, but that's what actually happened.

My doctor's appointment is scheduled for 9:30 am on Friday. My insurance company needs a referral from my doctor for me to see a mental health anything.

I was supposed to head out to nearby city Friday night for a night with friends but I've tabled that. I don't think I can be around people who are drinking without drinking myself, and drinking right now would be a very bad idea. Instead, I'll head out Saturday for the beach. It's supposed to be rainy and nasty, but if that happens we have alternate indoor plans. My former college roommate is pregnant and will be there Saturday, so even if there is drinking, I won't be the only one not doing it.

Guitarist is seeing his new interest tonight. I want him to go and have a good time and hit things off with Spice, since she sounds pretty damn cool (even though I don't feel any compersion right now, or much of anything really except for empty and bored and restless and angry for no good reasons).

My loves have been amazing, even though I'm the biggest unloveable piece of shit right now. < See this, this is cognitive distortion. Logically, I know this is not true. But I still feel like a piece of shit who is dragging them down by existing in their space. Fuck you, brain, fuck you very much.
 
I basically didn't sleep at all last night. I couldn't drift off until about 3:30 am, I kept waking up and tossing and turning, and then the "cat alarm" started going off around 7 am when I didn't plan to get up until 8. This has been my life lately. No nightmares this time that I remember, but I'm seriously anxious about this doctor's appointment. I keep worrying that she's going to tell me that there's nothing wrong with me and I should just be able to handle my shit. The logical part of my brain knows this is unlikely, but the anxious part is going on about it at warp speed.

So maybe it's not just depression, maybe there's a healthy dose of anxiety thrown in there. Hooray.

Guitarist's evening with Spice went well. They're having another date next week on Tuesday, coinciding with my usual date night with Purr (which is after a dentist appointment I forgot about until I got the reminder text this morning, also hooray). As he was going on about what a nice time they had and how they hit it off, he started getting a little upset with me, saying that he thought I was 'stiff' and irritated. And when I said I wasn't, he said he felt like he was being mean to me by talking about happy things.

Dude. I'm depressed as shit. When he says he feels like he's being mean to me by talking about good things, it makes me want to shake him. His defensiveness also has historically grated on my irritation at the best of times, and this is not the best of times. This is a historical thing but it's a lot harder to deal with when I'm not in my right state of mind. I want to yell, completely sarcastically, that I'M SORRY I'M NOT RESPONDING EMOTIONALLY APPROPRIATELY OR IN MY USUAL WAY RIGHT NOW BUT ITS NOT YOU ITS ME I THOUGHT WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS. I wasn't irritated (until he accused me of being irritated, ha ha ha irony), I was dealing with how I wish I felt compersion but instead I just felt nothing. I'm also envious that something in life can make him happy and there is no happiness in me right now.

He keeps dragging up that he's worried that him dating someone is making me 'worse.' Again with the wanting to shake him. I've said several times now that I am okay with him dating. I've been on a downward slope for a long time, since about when I crashed hard in December around when my grandma died, and he's even brought up a couple months ago that I seem more depressed than usual and he was concerned. The timing of him dating someone new is not great, not getting that job I wanted crashed me very hard, but this is my problem, not his problem, and he shouldn't pass up on an opportunity for happiness because I'm struggling. That would do the exact opposite of help.

That said, he said she offered to come over here and he turned her down because he didn't think I'd like that. He's right: I'm absolutely not ready to have her come over here. I didn't even want his friend to come over a couple of weeks ago, but he was visiting from 10+ hours away, so that was different. This depression has wreaked havoc on the state of my house. The lawn is disgusting. The living room is disgusting. The kitchen. Let's not talk about the kitchen which by the way is open to the living room. I'd need way more time than a weekend that I'm not going to even be here to get my house in order to have someone come over. Bunch of nope. It sucks because I'd like to meet her and I'm envious of Spice's wife for having gotten to meet Guitarist already, but it's going to have to wait a little.

For now, I'm going to go try to eat something before I have to leave. Mostly I just want to throw up, so this should be an adventure.
 
I know my mental health is bad, but I didn't quite realize how bad it had gotten until I was trying to explain to my doctor that I don't actively want to kill myself but I basically have no feelings anymore and haven't enjoyed anything in a while so I'm pretty much just phoning it in with the whole living thing and it probably wouldn't be the worst thing if I died. Yeah, saying that out loud was even worse than writing it down. That's fucked up.

So this morning was fun.

I now have referrals for counselors, prescriptions for medication (she was pretty insistent on this point and as much as I hate taking even aspirin I have admit thatit's probably a good idea), and she gave me a hug. I love my doctor. She's this tiny little Asian lady and she sometimes gives me the eyebrow over my 'lifestyle choices,' but she actually cares about me, Guitarist, and all her patients.

Various people have congratulated me on being "proactive." I don't feel proactive. I simultaneously feel like I've lost a 17-year battle and that I've let this go on for too long. It's embarrassing that I need help and it rankles. But it's pretty clear that this is beyond the pale of my usual dysthemia, so here we go. I'm picking medications up on my way home from work.
 
I totally hear you on feeling embarrassment. That's how I feel when I've had to go to the doctor for meds to control my depression. However, from my point of view, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Getting help IS being strong and proactive. Society tells us that we should be able to handle stuff on our own but really everyone needs help from time to time. We have to try to let ourselves be vulnerable and get the help we need.

I hope you start feeling better soon.
 
Awww thanks! I hope so too =p. And you're probably valid about the proactive thing in that I could have let it go longer. (Except I promised myself years and years ago that I'd go back to counseling if suicidal thoughts came up again, and I'm glad I'm not so far gone that I couldn't keep that promise.)

I'm so of mixed minds about the medication. There's other medication I have to take to maintain a happy life, like allergy pills, and more I'm more embarrassed that I'm actually having these thoughts. I feel like such a whiny child when talking about it. The logic part of my brain is like, no, these are your actual thoughts, you should share them with your doctor. The other part is all you're such a baby and basically a walking cliché and no wonder you feel bad you can't handle being an adult and you deserve no happiness and you should go put on your goth makeup and stand in the rain. Again, cognitive distortion.

But as Guitarist has pointed out, it's hard to realize how things really are when your brain is stewing in its little unhealthy environment juices.
 
AutumnLeaves said:
Various people have congratulated me on being "proactive." I don't feel proactive. I simultaneously feel like I've lost a 17-year battle and that I've let this go on for too long. It's embarrassing that I need help and it rankles. But it's pretty clear that this is beyond the pale of my usual dysthemia, so here we go. I'm picking medications up on my way home from work.
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Throughout my 20s and early 30s, I had depressive periods that were very similar to what you describe. I had weeks when getting out of bed, even just to go to the bathroom took every bit of resolve that I didn't have. I'd let my household responsibilities slide and stopped paying my bills. In fact during one of the worst ones a burglar broke a window next to my door and it took me a week to even put cardboard over the break. Instead of feeling emotion, most the time I felt nothing, like there was giant void at the core of my being. While I never had specific thoughts of harming myself or suicidal ideation, I often had the thought that not waking up the next day would be a good thing. Not only was I embarrassed to ask for help, I was also very stubborn and had a low EQ so I wouldn't talk to anyone about it. Instead I withdrew from everyone in my life, thinking that I just needed to be tougher and get over it. This of course was a terrible way to deal with it and made it last even longer than it might have if I'd reached out for help.

So who's to say if proactive is the right term however in reading your posts about what you're experiencing, my perspective is that you've showed a lot of inner strength, courage and self-awareness in dealing with what you're going through. I think it's pretty damn admirable that you're actively fighting this battle by reaching out for help and talking about at a time when even everyday things like getting out of bed or getting dressed can take every ounce of energy that you have.
 
Laying in my couch bed at my friend's house, glad that I came out. This morning, I didn't want to, but I made myself. I know that the medication may take a while to work. I still have the crushed feeling in my chest, the feeling that I'm pretending to be normal so that I don't upset people, but I think sleep and fun company have helped modulate it somewhat. I'm not happy today, but I'm not hating myself, and that's something.

I really miss these people, my college friends, and when we hang out it's like we've never been apart, even though it's usually a year between visits. We were going to go to an art museum after lunch instead of the beach because the weather predicted storms, but instead the friend who was still on her way called and said YOU NEED TO GO TO THE BASEMENT RIGHT NOW THERE ARE TORNADOS, I'M ON MY WAY UP THE STREET, GO NOW. All of our phones went off simultaneously with the tornado sirens, a weather service bulletin about a tornado watch.

Apparently there were four (?) actual tornados, one not more than a couple miles from here. So we spent a while in the basement catching up, then went out for pizza in a nearby town (so many downed trees), then went to a coffee shop near campus...

... where we randomly ran into one of the guys who used to be on the fringes of our group but hadn't come to one of these impromptu reunions in six years. I didn't even recognize him, but one of our friends who is better with faces did. We used to talk a lot. I hadn't realized I missed him until we talked. He had his kid with him: the last time I saw him, he was an infant.

After coffee, we decided against seeing a movie and instead went back to my friend's house to just talk some more. We ended the night with YouTube videos and now everyone has gone to bed.

I'm feeling major social overload, but it has been very nice to see people. It doesn't hurt that last night was the first night I've actually slept in.... a long time. Thanks, anxiety medication! I'm sure I won't sleep as well here, with unfamiliar smells, sounds, and a loud clock, but I didn't want to get a hotel. Everyone is coming back in the morning and we're all making breakfast. Plans for tomorrow are tentative. Except that before I leave I'm going to check with Purr about seeing her if she's free.

My friends from Chicago have mentioned that Purr and I would be welcome to stay with them if we can ever swing a trip out. So that's maybe something to think on if I'm ever feeling up to planning a trip.
 
Refusnik said:
...I'd let my household responsibilities slide and stopped paying my bills. In fact during one of the worst ones a burglar broke a window next to my door and it took me a week to even put cardboard over the break. Instead of feeling emotion, most the time I felt nothing, like there was giant void at the core of my being. While I never had specific thoughts of harming myself or suicidal ideation, I often had the thought that not waking up the next day would be a good thing.
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This is pretty much exactly what was happening. I've been letting things slide that I normally wouldn't and the only emotions I have felt for a while are bored and irritated. I never really wanted to harm myself, not like when I was a teen, but sometimes I thought dying would be easier than continuing and it wouldn't be a bad thing.

One thing that struck me was a statistic that I read in law school. Lawyers have higher rates of MDD, similar rates of suicidal ideation, but higher instances of actually taking suicidal action and much higher rates of fatality when they do. So when I started deciding how exactly I would hypothetically kill myself, I didn't want to risk that. I might not like, much less love, myself right now. But it makes me go cold to think about doing that to people I love.

Refusnik said:
Instead I withdrew from everyone in my life, thinking that I just needed to be tougher and get over it. This of course was a terrible way to deal with it and made it last even longer than it might have if I'd reached out for help.
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For me, it was more that I've always gotten over it in the past. I've struggled with depression in the past. Using the CBT techniques I learned before in counseling, I CAN talk myself out of it to a certain extent. I made myself not withdraw, even though it basically took all the spoons I had to do that.

This time I couldn't talk my way out, or when I did, it just came back a week later and worse. I'm used to going months at mildly depressed with weeks of happy and moderately depressed thrown in. This has been months of moderately depressed with weeks of mildly depressed and now severe depression. But I kept thinking, man, it will get better like it always does.

It didn't. As Guitarist noted to me, it's actually been just getting worse.

Refusnik said:
So who's to say if proactive is the right term however in reading your posts about what you're experiencing, my perspective is that you've showed a lot of inner strength, courage and self-awareness in dealing with what you're going through...
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Thanks. I'm not capable of assigning myself positive qualities right now. I think "oh man, you clearly don't know me, I'm actually horrible at this stuff." This is probably also cognitive distortion, but I do appreciate the sentiments, because at least they give me something external to challenge my distorted thoughts with. :)
 
Sunday morning opened with my friends coming back over to the house I was staying, where we cooked a breakfast of pancakes, bacon, and eggs (for those who wanted them, which didn't include me). We again all just sat around and talked until the people with the longest drives had to depart.

On my way back from Nearby City, I stopped in at Purr's house to cuddle and relax. I strolled in at about 3 pm and remembered that I'd told my mother, who has been unstandably worried about me, that I'd come to Sunday dinner this week. I told Purr I had to leave at 5:30, but then asked if she would want to come.

After confirming with my mom that it was okay if I brought Purr, we ended up going over there and she has now met my parents. I was a little worried, because my mom is homophobic and my dad can be very difficult when he's in a bad mood, but my mom was extremely polite and my dad was gregarious since he had just been smoking as we walked in. So now Purr has met the family.

We then went back to her place to cuddle and talk. It was like, oh yes, this is why I love her. My connectedness feeling snapped back into place and it was all very nice. I was in a good mood and even Guitarist commented on it. ... more updates later, this lunch break is over.
 
AutumnLeaves said:
After confirming with my mom that it was okay if I brought Purr, we ended up going over there and she has now met my parents. I was a little worried, because my mom is homophobic and my dad can be very difficult when he's in a bad mood, but my mom was extremely polite and my dad was gregarious since he had just been smoking as we walked in. So now Purr has met the family.

We then went back to her place to cuddle and talk. It was like, oh yes, this is why I love her. My connectedness feeling snapped back into place and it was all very nice. I was in a good mood and even Guitarist commented on it. ... more updates later, this lunch break is over.
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Aww, this all sounds so nice and comforting. I am glad you had a positive experience of bringing Purr to meet your parents, felt connected again, and that your mood was lifted. I hope you continue to feel better, and look forward to your updates.
 
I'm also relieved it went so well! The whole way out I was apprehensive, letting her know that if my dad was gruff he's just like that, etc, and it all ended up being fine. I was like "if we need to leave just say something and we'll go, no questions asked" because so much relies on how well my parents are getting along at any given moment. My niece and Kitten 2 are about the same age, so it gave things to talk about. I hope it wasn't too awkward for Purr.

When I got home, Guitarist noted that I seemed to be in a much better mood. How much could be medications working, how much is just because I've SLEPT, and how much is relief, I don't know. Yesterday I still had the crushed chest/sunk stomach/can breathe but don't want to feeling I associate with depression. Today, it's still there, but it comes and goes in faint waves. I still don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. The only thing I want to do is sleep, which I SHOULD NOT do because I'm trying to reset my sleep schedule.

One of the counseling offices I called has called back. They're going to run my insurance information, give my information to their two doctors, and get back to me with whether either has an opening. The hardest question was "what do you want out of counseling." Uh, is 'how to better handle my shit' an appropriate response? I feel like I should have been more prepared for that question. I want to be less depressed, that's about it.

I keep catching myself wondering if shit is working yet. I still don't have a super whole lot of feelings. I felt happy yesterday with Purr and happy to see Guitarist, I missed him a lot, but today I have nothing. I'm also at work, so there's that :p I suspect I'll have to ask Guitarist if I seem better, since he's the one most affected by my irritation and boredom.

The medication is also supposed to manage anxiety, but may make anxiety worse for the first few weeks. I still get panic at the thought of grocery shopping tonight but not more than usual, so not all that much is different yet.

Other things this week. Guitarist is seeing Spice again on Tuesday. I'm going to the dentist that day, but seeing Purr Wednesday. I miss the boys and want to see them. Pride is Saturday, but at this point I might just go to the speech and the march and come home. I'm not ready to be around partying when I want to drink but can't. Sunday is my semi-sister's birthday dinner. And then it's next week.

It's hard to believe it's almost September already. The summer has just utterly disappeared. Boo! I need to make plans to get out to the Ren Faire with Guitarist. I should talk about that with him over dinner.
 
Guitarist's dad had a stroke on Monday so we ended up going to the hospital in Nearby City yesterday. It's not good (some left side paralysis, can't read), but less bad than we worried about. Still not good, but less bad than it could have been.

Clearly, Guitarist didn't go see Spice last night and I canceled my dentist appointment. So Guitarist is seeing Spice tonight instead, and I'm seeing Purr tonight.

On the good side. What I consider my physical symptoms of depression, the tight throat, heavy chest, not wanting to breathe, have disappeared gradually over the last couple of days. Mostly I still don't feel a lot. But I've been happy a couple of times over the last couple of days, which is a HUGE improvement. Positive emotions! I remember you!

One thing I was concerned about was sexual side-effects. Not like depressed me was having a lot of sex (should have been a huge red flag!), but I enjoy the ability to have sex, and sexual side-effects are a possibility of my medication. We had some sexy times last night and there is some effect, but not to the extent I would be worried about. I enjoyed it, it felt good, but attaining an orgasm was more difficult than it historically has been. I'm lucky in that getting off PIV is something I can do and is usually pretty easy for me. Last night, it was more difficult. I could tell it was throwing Guitarist off a little.

Still, I wanted to have sex and it felt good instead of boring, so that's an improvement. The parts I most enjoy about sex were all still there--Guitarist enjoying himself, me feeling good, and the snuggling after. The closeness during and the after-sex snuggle has always for me been the best parts.

I managed to mostly sleep last night without the anti-anxiety medication. I really Do Not Like that stuff. When I fall asleep I feel fine, when I wake up I feel fine, but if I wake up in the middle it's bad. Confusion, nausea, feeling high in a very bad way, etc. And typically my sleep pattern involves a brief waking in the middle. I think I won't take it again unless I'm really seriously not sleeping again.

I occasionally worry that the medication is not actually working and this is just an upswing like upswings I've been having and I'm going to crash and burn horribly.

I was supposed to pick a packet up from the counseling office yesterday. Clearly I didn't go do that. It's on the other side of town and their office isn't open convenient hours for me to pick it up after work, but I probably can work from home tomorrow, so I need to make that happen. I'm supposed to start counseling next Monday and have the paperwork filled out beforehand.

For now, I must to work.
 
Date night last night went well. I'm definitely starting to feel more like myself. It's seriously eye-opening to realize how deep my recent depression was and how long it went on. It's like I've been living in a miasma since probably late last year. I have positive emotions again! It's extremely nice. I still have all the negative ones (like irritation that Guitarist hasn't mowed the lawn yet, despite politely asking for over a month) but they no longer immediately put me on tilt or into a doom spiral.

Time with Purr was nice, but short. It was Kitten 1's first day of kindergarten, so the whole house seemed tired. I got to cuddle on the couch with Kitten 2, reading a book, while Purr and Kitten 1 worked on a "who are you" worksheet. It was cozy and domestic. Too short, though. I had my makeup dentist appointment at 8 am today, so I had to get home to decompress and sleep. I'm glad we got time on Sunday.

Guitarist saw Spice again last night and they had another good date. She's probably going to come over to meet me not next week, but the week after. I have to admit that I'm highly curious about her and I hope we get along well. I'm pretty sure we will, since Guitarist wouldn't date anyone who isn't really cool, but there's that element of the unknown.

I'm also just going to vent a little that I wish Guitarist hadn't mentioned to me that she's trans after their first date. It was a little offhand comment about his dating history, and maybe I'm super sensitive to outing because of my horrible getting outed experience with my sister, but I feel like that should have been up to Spice to tell me (or not!). It's (a) literally none of my business, and (b) takes the narrative out of her hands. I feel complicit in non-consensual outing. It makes me feel icky.

But maybe he asked her if he could tell me. Maybe she said that she's fine if he tells me everything. I should probably ask him before I let it eat more of a hole in me, now that I realize how much it bothers me.

Anyway, Guitarist told me that they had the barriers and testing talk last night. My mind immediately went I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS, even though our rule is making sure we check in before starting a sexual relationship, and we later had a discussion later about how I was feeling some mild discomfort about thinking about him having sex with someone else. I'm otherwise full of compersion that he's having such a good time (medication working! this is something I missed last week).

He asked if he was moving too fast. And I was like, uh, that's between you and Spice? I don't get to dictate how fast his relationship moves, though I really appreciate his compassion in responding to my discomfort.

It's not like I'm having a Problem with a capital P. It's just some discomforty-need-reassurances feelings. And I'm pretty sure it's just adjustment stuff, and I'll get past it as his relationship is more established.

I'm also a little envious of his new relationship energy. I didn't get to have the over-the-top squee with Purr, and it's been like 7 years since I had that with Guitarist. We're disgustingly in love, but it's a different kind of in love. He wanted to know if I intended to get on OKC again. Lololol no. I have quite enough going on without throwing a new relationship on top. I can envy his squee without wanting to emulate it.

And now it's almost time to pick up my paperwork from my new psychologist's office. Ah. AH. Freaking out a little about counseling. Now that the meds are working and I feel better, I'm starting to question whether I need it as well... but better safe than sorry. Other than anxiety and a very reasonable copay, it costs me nothing to see what she has to say.
 
My mood seems to have leveled out now. I'm feeling very much like my "old" self, which is a huge relief. Motivation is still something of an issue, and nothing is going to shake me from being an introvert.

In other words, things accomplished this weekend: dog groomed, dinner at parents' house

Things not: going to pride, doing any writing

I've been feeling socialed out lately, and between a thunderstorm and my current alcohol-free lifestyle, going to pride just didn't appeal to me. Instead, I stayed home and immersed myself in video games.

Guitarist is seeing Spice tomorrow night I think. It's normally our grocery night, but there isn't really a pressing need to shop at the moment. I have counseling after work and it also would have been nice to have him home after in case it doesn't go well, but I didn't actually bring that up to him before he made plans. I have to remember that I can't just expect him to be home all the time any more!

I'm seeing Purr on Wednesday this week because of doctor's things with her family.

And that's about it for now!
 
Counseling was interesting. It's a lot different seeing someone individually than seeing someone in a group setting. For one, there's more time to talk and it's a lot easier to just say what I'm thinking without everything feeling judgy.

First off, I really like my counselor. She's a smaller, older woman with a lot of energy and a no-nonsense attitude. She talks with her hands a lot. She reminds me a lot of my doctor and I can see why my doctor referred me over. One of the first things she said when I sat down was that she is the type of psychologist who is going to just say what she's thinking instead of trying to gently lead me places.

Of course, I respond very well to that, since it's how I like to communicate. I had an instant rapport.

She's putting me down as dysthemic for now, but because of the way my mood goes up and down, where I'll feel better for a while before getting depressed again, as well as some other things, she referred me for testing to determine whether I have bipolar II, since it could interact very badly with my medication. She's also pretty concerned about my use of alcohol as a coping mechanism, which I think is fair and not really shocking at all.

I did get to see Guitarist between getting home and his date, enough to come down from the nervous high-energy jitters and decompress. He's off on his date, now, and I hope he's having a good time. It sounded like they had some delicious dinner planned, of which I'm more than mildly envious.

I would totally go on dates just for food.

I'm actually pretty glad Guitarist is out of the house though. At this point, I'm feeling pretty drained and down. It's like talking about all that crap dredged it back up, though of course not as intensely as experiencing it. For the first time since the meds started working, I'm unhappy, bored, and restless, though I'm distinctly lacking the physical symptoms that go with my more serious depressions. In an odd sense I'm relieved that even on the medications, I can feel unhappy when it's appropriate that I would. Maybe that makes me an odd duck. Anyway, I'm glad he's not around to worry about me being mopey, and I'm looking forward to vicariously experiencing his squee when he gets back. In the meanwhile, video games.
 
I called the psychiatrist that my counselor referred me to, to make an appointment to rule out or confirm bipolar II, and my mind started going NO NO NO. I hung up on the receptionist. Because I did a little reading, you see, and it is very possible that my "feeling better" periods between depressed episodes are actually hypomania. I can see why she wants to figure it out.

Why is a possible bipolar disorder a lot scarier than dysthemic depression, you ask? (Or maybe you don't, lol.)

Because I was pretty seriously traumatized by my relationship with First Fiance, who had bipolar I. I'm not kidding even a little bit when I say that the end of that relationship was one of the darkest times in my life. I won't let Guitarist have Warhammer figurines or other similar figurine-based war games in the house because they trigger me so hard. I had to really work at not being so suspicious and controlling about money. I don't want a disorder that shares the same name (if not the same features) as his disorder.

I was texting some with Flame this morning about stuff. He walked into a mental health clinic to get some help himself, for which I'm so proud of him. He said when the woman said depression, he also freaked out, even though he already knew. He reminded me that they're just labels, no better or worse than any other labels.

Except I don't want that label. I really don't.

And some of it was fear of change. Change is scary. You never know exactly where it's going to take you. Except I know where I was two weeks ago and that place was not a healthy place and I never want to be there again... so at least some amount of change is necessary.

I eventually called the office back and scheduled an intake appointment, anyway, because I really do want to feel better. If I am bipolar, it can be Actually Really Dangerous to just be on just an antidepressant instead of on a mood stabilizer. Fortunately, I'm now being monitored by mental health professionals, as well as three wondrously loving people who I know will tell me if anything is going horribly wrong and to whom I feel accountable for my well-being (because it also affects their well-being). I really just want to feel better.

That said. Fingers crossed.
 
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