Leaf on the Wind

Things are now crazy busy over here as I'm trying to adjust to a new job. Also we're having Raven and Ravenhub out for board games next Saturday. We did a base-touching poly conversation on our last date night, and it sounds like we're both enjoying our relationship, though I asked for more in terms of quality time instead of just dates out. I never feel like I can really be myself in public. So we hung out at her house and watched some TV afterward. From her end, she would like Ravenhub and I to get to know each other. I think that would help me get over my worry that he doesn't like me much. I just think we don't know each other is all.

Hence the board gaming thing. Too bad I didn't realize how crazy busy I'd be this week trying to find a replacement for me in my current job. Oh and my period surprise arrived today in all its crampy glory, so I'm tired and grumpy and all I want to do is sleep. I had been planning on calling in to work tomorrow, but now I can't do that because I have to interview a woman for my job.

I can't believe that in a week and a half I'll be on the train on my way out of town to go to a friend's wedding. I remember planning for that trip quite a while ago, and it's like it just crept up all of a sudden, and then I'll be changing jobs almost immediately when I get back.

I talked with Guitarist about how busy I've been feeling lately, and my concerns that getting used to the new job is going to wipe me out, and I agree that I should give myself permission to take things a little slower with my writing. I'm worried that if I don't throw all my spare energy into it, it won't get done. But on the other hand it's pretty clear that I'm already running low on spare energy and there isn't a whole lot more I can give. That definitely bears thinking on.
 
I'm definitely cruising along in a hypomanic place right now. I'm up about getting the new job. Which is making an an interesting juxtaposition with how I've almost hit my introvert breaking point of doing too much. Still, it makes sleeping properly hard. My brain just doesn't want to shut up.

I was supposed to do writing tonight. I think I'm going to put a brief pause on pressuring myself about writing until other life adjustments are made. I think a new job is stressful enough. Guitarist will be out with Spice, so I should have the house to myself to probably bake some bread and do some laundry and pick up a little in anticipation of playing the host on Saturday. I might even work on my feet a little if I'm feeling ambitious.

Meanwhile, I asked Raven if she was feeling neglected and she isn't. I really enjoy how relaxed this relationship is. I'm just hoping that sexual attraction happens for me at some point,because I'd really like it to, but with the way I work it just isn't a given.

And that's about all I have time for right now!
 
I had nearly finished an epic-length post yesterday when my house lost power (again). We had some brown-outs in the morning, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, but it was HOURS later. Anyway, I ended up going on a movie date with Guitarist and then to my mom's for dinner.

My mom is on the same power line as the county ambulance service. Her power doesn't go out as often or stay down as long.

We saw Logan. I liked it, but it wasn't as epic as all my friends raved about. I found it enjoyable but very formulaic.

Saturday went well! We got to play a quick game of Betrayal and then just sat around and talked. I'm a lot more comfortable just knowing Ravenhub. My brain KNEW he was probably a nice, rational guy, but now my gut knows that he IS a nice, cool, rational guy. I'd totally have them back out to game again.

The next not-a-sex-party is April 15. Eeeeeeeeeeh... still not sure whether I'll go. I'm leaning yes, but we'll see.

This week is less busy for me in the evenings but is culminating in a train ride across several states to attend a college friend's wedding. I'm a little iffy about not having my car at all, but with the way March weather is around the Great Lakes, and looking at the minor blizzard outside RIGHT NOW, I'm glad we're not trying to drive it.

I do need to make sure my dress fits, though. And pick up a card. I should probably do that BEFORE Wednesday night, since the train leaves at like 8 am on Thursday.
 
I'm waiting on the start of my friend's wedding and 100% in my feelings right now. I have a lot of feelings of inadequacy around a lot of my college friends. I went to a swank private college on a hefty academic scholarship, but I grew up in a trailer park. I thought I was good friends with my roommate, but we lost touch after we graduated. Thing is, she kept in touch with the other girl we usually formed a threesome with, so that hurt.

I felt closest to the woman who is getting married (who was the other outsider) and the other queer woman, both of whom moved out of state, and the guys I played D&D with, now in a Canada and Argentina respectively. The rest of get together on a somewhat regular basis, maybe about yearly, but I'm never really sure if they actually want me there or just invite me out of habit.

I asked if anyone wanted to hang out before the wedding. No response. Radio silence. Not even a "we're arriving too late" or "we don't want to be rushed." Just nothing at all.

I never really know with straight cis women. Men are easy to read, queer people are easy to read, but cis women have this entire opaque social structure that makes no sense at all, and has a bunch of unwritten rules no one will ever tell you about. I feel like none of them really like me because I don't know the game so I don't play it properly.

I know this is anxiety speaking. Social anxiety really sucks.

At least my queer friend and her wife will be here, and my judgy-feeling former roommate "friend" will not be, and Guitarist is with me. Things can't go too badly. And I know I'll have fun once things start happening.

It's just this interminable wait until then that's going to be super fun.
 
Pre-social-gathering anxiety aside, the wedding was great and I had a lot of fun. It was nice to see my friends! Reconnecting reminds me that, no, I am not the awkward third wheel I always think that I am. Thanks for that, supremely awkward childhood.

The traveling day yesterday was brutal. It was a Saturday, after a 'holiday,' and at the start of spring break. This means that when the bus came to pick us up, they were like 'we only have seven open seats.'

There were probably twenty people standing around. I had rushed to the head of the line so we ended up getting a seat. Mostly young people, no children, so I didn't even feel bad. We had been standing in the windy shelter after our cab dropped us off for like 45 minutes, but the rest of them appeared from cars as the bus was showing up, and there was no way I was getting frostbite in my toes. And we had a train to catch.

Okay, maybe I feel slightly bad.

Some people opted to stand for the 45 minutes until the next terminal, where they were having a second bus meet us, and others waited for the next bus.

The train was also full, but again, that rushing to the head of the line thing meant that Guitarist and I got to sit together. Which is probably for the best, since Guitarist is a big guy and anyone else sitting with him would have had to not mind snuggling up with him.

Today, my back hurts something brutal, especially around the back of my neck. I hadn't slept very well on travel day, so I ended up napping on the train by leaning to my left against the window. On my bad rotator cuff. So my whole arm also aches. At least we have no plans today, other than picking up my dog from my mom's house and staying for dinner (OMG I MISS MY DOG).

Tomorrow, I start training my replacement at my current job. I'm seeing Raven on Wednesday, I'm not sure when Guitarist is seeing Spice.

The next couple weeks will probably be very high-stress for me. I've put everything that isn't a necessary commitment (therapy, my nonprofit board, Guitarist, Raven) on hold so that I have plenty of leisure time to relax after days that are going to be very full. But my mood has been holding at 'normal with brief dips into anxiety, no depression' so fingers crossed that it won't be all that bad.
 
Brief update: I'm so very, very busy with changing jobs, but I had a date with Raven last night and she's so delightfully cuddly.
 
Yesterday was my last day at the old job. Me and my secretary both teared up a little. It's not like I'll never see her, since I'm working in the same building, but it's a little different from sharing an office with someone. Monday, I start my new job.

I keep having these crazy dreams. Like, I dreamed that Raven and I were stuck together in a women's prison during a riot. I dreamed that Guitarist and I were trapped in a basement during a tornado. Last night I dreamed that I was involved in not one, but two plane crashes. I find change very stressful, this is how I cope with stress.

I was supposed to run a 5k with my sister this morning, but it's cold and rainy, so we decided to cancel. Between her cold urticaria and my cold-induced asthma, it's probably for the best, but I had been really looking forward to it.

Instead, I'm going to do my taxes. Heh. Guiarist is going to hang out with some of his old work friends, and then Sunday we're going to have a dinner and movie date.

I may or may not see Raven next week. She's busy traveling all over the state for work, and I'm busy Wednesday/Thursday/Friday. I'm not freaking out over it. This is probably the most casual relationship I've been okay with ever in my life.

That's pretty much it. I'm off to do my taxes before I get involved in something more exciting (like literally anything else).
 
My brother, who abruptly quit his job and has been utterly out of contact in Europe since December, finally got in touch with my mom and some of his and Guitarist's mutual friends to let them know he's alive.

Asshole. We've all been worried to death, but since he's an adult, all the embassy would tell us was that they checked on him and he's alive. Anyway, I'm glad he's okay. Apparently he plans to come back in April maybe.

My first day at the new job was... rough. I got snappish with Guitarist on my way home, not communicating clearly. But it didn't really cast a pall on my warm and happy feeling with him lately. We've got to spend a lot of quality time lately, which has me more in love with him than ever.

Ah, I have to leave for work!
 
I had therapy last night. We missed a couple weeks between my out of town wedding and my therapist having to attend a funeral. But those weeks were not crisis weeks for me, so I've been okay.

We mostly talked about my week of nightmares and how she thinks my not sleeping was anxiety instead of a mood shift. We're hoping that the solid-leaning-good mood I'm in lasts, because it would mean that my meds and new exercise/evening routine are doing what they need to do.

Things with Guitarist are good. Things with Raven are... a thing. When I see her, I enjoy being with her, but now after a week of not seeing her, I feel rather disconnected and meh. But this is how it's going to be since we're both busy, so I have to decide if it's enough for me. I'm leaning yes. I think I'm the one who is too busy for something more. With everything else right now, a definite once-a-week would likely feel oppressive. But I'm going to give it more time. I'm not UNHAPPY, I just don't feel as strongly as I'd like to feel.

I love my new job. I'm very competent at it and there's no rush or stress at all. Even better, it's steady and predictable, which is quite the positive change from my old job! I don't do well with the unknown. Something something anxiety, haha.
 
Accidentally got up half an hour earlier today than I wanted to because I haven't yet figured out the difference between 'washing hair and shaving before work' days and 'not washing hair and shaving before work' days. It's about a 30 minute difference, but for some reason instead of realizing that the 30 minute difference was between 8 am and 7:30 am, I thought I needed to get up at 7 am. Someone shoot me now. I also slept like shit. Of course I did.

In good news, I got my taxes done. In better news, I got more back for taxes than I thought I would, so I am 100% definitely getting my porches sanded and professionally stained this year. The nasty paint that is clearly not porch paint is going to be GONE FOREVER GOOD RIDDANCE GOODBYE.

In bad news, the weather is nice and the snow is melted and the yard looks like utter trash. Between the various ice and wind storms this year, and the fact the leaves never got dragged back to the woods last year, and the fact the porch is gross and peeling with paint, it's a hot mess.

I was going to put my wildflower seeds in yesterday morning, but I ended up having a night full of intestinal distress. Doubly so for last night.

In other bad news, I had planned on going grocery shopping tonight, but I just opened my calendar and realized I have counseling. So I need to remember to tell Guitarist about the change of plans. I'm not sure when our next free night for shopping would be. Either tomorrow after my haircut, if we want to rush, or not until Friday.

I didn't hang out with Raven on Saturday. She was having allergies and not feeling good, and I was having a case of lazy so I said I really didn't mind. At the time I really didn't mind. I offered her Wednesday, Friday, or Saturday of this week, and haven't heard anything back yet. I'm well past the warm feeling of having seen her and into the realm of 'when will I next see her, man this sucks.' Ugh. UGH.

I need to start writing again. I feel like the job adjustment period is pretty much over. I'm taking my notebook to lunch at work today and trying to hammer out this last short story before I go back and do revisions.

So overall this morning I'm tired and grumpy, but I'm actually looking forward to going to work because I do really like my new job.
 
The great thing about burst ovarian cysts are not only do they fill 2-3 days with what I imagine being stabbed by a hot, slowly twisting knife would feel like, they also fuck majorly with my emotional stability. Hooray.
 
I'm been doing a lot of shitty-place thinking on my relationship with Raven. I've been agonizing about it. I think there's a lot of pressure, both internal and external, to have a "real" relationship, where I see someone on a regular basis and have a strong emotional and/or sexual connection. We've been seeing each other for three months, but it doesn't feel like that at all time-wise. We've had one goodbye kiss and done lots of cuddling. We don't see each other enough or even talk regularly enough for my interest to spark. She's a great person, and she's a nice friend, but it doesn't feel like a "real" relationship to me. I don't see her often enough to develop strong feelings, much less sexual ones.

I've thought about talking with her about it. But I really don't want to put that kind of pressure on, the "we must see each other more (with the implied or else)." The fact is, if I stop putting that kind of pressure on myself, I don't really MIND having a friend with cuddle benefits. And she doesn't seem to be pushing for a sexual thing.

And you know what? I think that's... OKAY.

This thing is nice. It isn't everything I might want, and I don't think it's going to actually turn into a "real" relationship, but I think when I step back and ask myself whether I would rather end it and look for something new, I find myself asking me... why would I have to end this to do that? Dude. I'm polyamorous. That's not a requirement.

Considering my thing with Raven on its merits, if I stop agonizing about whether or when it's going to become a real relationship, it's a nice friendship+. If there weren't all these pressured-feeling cons, the pros vastly outweigh the cons. So I think mentally, I'm going to de-classify us from potential girlfriend material (where for me, girlfriend means regular and with emotional connection) to friends with cuddle benefits. It's nice to see her, it's nice to talk to her, it's very nice to snuggle, but if it doesn't go any further than that, whatever.

If I want to start having something more connected and more regular, I'll find someone else that that works for. And let this be what it is.
 
I'm maybe going to this coming weekend's Not A Sex Party, which has been a topic of anxiety for me. Cons, I can't drink, I'm probably going to be in a crowded house with a bunch of people who are drinking, I have anxiety, crowds make me anxious, I won't have any designated My People there who are safe people. Pros, I get to dress up, I love dressing up, I'd get to meet other poly people from the area, I definitely like some of the people who will be there so I at least have a couple friends there, the other focus of the event is board games.

At this point I'm 70% thinking that I'll go. I've cleared it with Spice that it's not a her and Guitarist event that I'll be intruding on. One of her new interests is going to be there, even.

Anxious, though. And having nightmares. Good times.
 
Counseling yesterday was amazing for helping me to manage my anxiety about the upcoming party. My counselor had figured out anxiety, but she didn't realize I had issues to that extent. To be fair, the whole suicidal depression thing really did need to be handled first, but it seems like I have a handle on that at this point. So we're going to switch focus to dealing with anxiety.

She thinks that my plan to drive alone is a good one. The other thing she suggested was to take periodic breaks outside to manage how much my "trapped" feeling builds up. At this point, I'm planning on skipping my writing group tonight to get some introvert time and then going to the party. I've been leaning that way, but I think I can handle it.
 
My new job has really cut into the amount of time I have for posting here! Or really it's more the amount of energy. I'm typically quite tired when I get home from work and whatever I have scheduled after work, and my lulls at work where I used to post are a little harder to come by.

I went to the Not A Sex Party on Saturday and had a mostly good time. I really enjoyed playing board games and meeting people at the beginning of the party, and I got a lot of very nice compliments on my ensemble (which was super validating because I spent a lot of time and thought on that ha).

But I was probably having too much fun, because by the time I realized I was getting tired and cranky, I was too tired to drive. One of the side effects of my anxiety meds is sleepiness. So I had to power down some highly caffeinated soda and recover my awake.

Meanwhile, the party had evolved from board games downstairs with porn on upstairs to let's have porn on the living room TV and play 'sexy Jenga,' which apparently translates to public spanking and making out. There were a couple of other people who weren't into that and we played a board game in the kitchen, but the sexy Jenga game was distracting and rendered me pretty uncomfortable. And then my board game people all had to leave, so I got to be the uncomfortable, awkward person sitting on the couch standoffishly and waiting to be awake enough to leave. So that was less than fun.

At one point the sexy Jenga challenge (?) was let's all go upstairs and make out, and a very drunk Spice, clearly trying to be kind, told me that I could join everyone even though you're not playing. My sexuality doesn't work like that, which is what I said. And Spice, the drunken sage, nodded wisely and said oh yeah you're asexual.

Well, no, I'm not asexual. I'm demi, which is on the ace spectrum but really more in the graysexual end. Enough that making out with randos doesn't do anything for me. It's boring at best, gross at worst, and I kind of have an oral hygiene thing, so kissing a bunch of old-alcohol-old-weed-mouths is a whole bunch of no thank you. But I wasn't really prepared to have that conversation in front of a bunch of people with someone who was very drunk, so I just kind of nodded. That was kind of the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae of awkwardness, though, and I was awake enough at that point to drive, so I got out of there.

Moral of the story, leave earlier next time. But! Overall I had fun.

Sunday I was tired, because it turns out when you slam caffeine at 2 am you aren't going to sleep well. I gave up on sleep at about 8 am and I was also nauseated most of the day, same reason. I did got to my mom's house for dinner, though, and it was delicious. Monday I had taken off from work and had a recovery day.

This week is packed for me. I have obligations, social and otherwise, every night until the weekend, and then stuff on the weekend too. Where did my introvert time go? But I'm having a lot of fun even though it's exhausting, and you only live once, so whee!
 
In other news, I have a dinner date with Raven on Friday. It's really weird but I stopped worrying about how things are going and now they're going fine. She said she was having A Week and it would give her something to look forward to, and that made me feel warm and happy.

Pretty sure that's anxiety for you. It'll pick the shit out of anything if you let it.
 
I now have two dates with Raven this weekend. We're getting dinner together Friday and maybe doing some low-key hanging out on Saturday after she gets done working that day. I can't believe I was almost ready to throw the towel in on this relationship! When I stop letting my anxiety run me and just let things be what they are, my life tends to improve so much.

And Guitarist has been really on top of things lately. Almost five years married and it still sometimes shocks me how I ended up with such an amazing person in my life. I couldn't imagine being as happy as I am now with someone else. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but the scale strongly tips on the GOOD side. I'm so in love with him right now I could squee.
 
I've been down with the stomach flu or food poisoning since Saturday. It's really been no fun. Sunday I went to the Urgent Care, because I suspected trichinosis from the quite possibly undercooked pork dumplings we had on Thursday night, but the doctor was very dismissive of that. So I guess if I do have it, I'm going to be pissed off around... next week.

I really prefer not to think of it.

I'm going back to work today. I'm still a little headachy, a little fatigued, but I don't have the fever anymore and I really can't afford to miss another day of work. I'm trying to bank sick days to reduce my LTD insurance premium. Adult problems, in a world without a decent basic social safety net, whee.

My date plans with Raven ended up getting canceled on Saturday because of the illness issues, but we did get to have dinner together on Friday and it was lovely. We've rescheduled our date night for this coming Friday. Guitarist is out with Spice tonight, but I have counseling, so it won't feel like too much of a lonely night.

I'm chatting with a new woman on OKC as of yesterday. I wasn't really looking, but she sent me a message and she's a very high match. I checked out her profile and she seems extremely cool. I told her that I'm not exactly fond of driving long distances, but she's fine with that. Apparently her latest relationship was a LTR in another state and she doesn't mind driving so... I'm not getting my hopes up. I wasn't really looking for this one, but I'm open to the possibility. She's in a long-term triad of three years or so (and described it as three individual relationships, bonus!) so she's not insanely new at poly. At this point I'm willing to see where it goes.
 
I have a date tonight with Raven. It'll be our first solo date night in something like a month? I'm looking forward to just hanging out.

The last couple days with Guitarist have been really great. We've enjoyed spending down time together co-op playing Space Engineers, building space ships, flying them around, trying not to destroy our base, trying to set up a mining outfit on the moon just off the left shoulder of our asteroid... He's really stepped up with house stuff lately. We've had the electrician and the water heater person in, and he's actually mowed the lawn. I'm not sure I recognize this guy, but I love him to pieces.

Still chatting up the woman who messaged me on OKC. Guys, I really like her. But she lives so far away. And by so far I mean a little more than an hour, over by Other College Town, but that's far for someone who gets anxious when driving. She says she likes driving, so maybe that wouldn't be a deal breaker if she didn't mind driving here most of the time, but I don't know. I JUST DON'T KNOW. Why do I do this to myself?

But life is good!
 
The weekend was fantastic! I managed to get my wildflower seeds in on Saturday before it decided to pour rain for two days, which makes me happy. I was going to try to get them down last weekend but ended up with the stomach flu instead.

Friday night I had a date with Raven. We got food at a taco truck that I've heard so many people rave about and it was delicious, and then we cuddled and made out and watched TV until late in the evening. Which at my old age is until like 11 pm. And she impromptu asked me if I wanted to hang out and board game on Saturday, since Ravenhub got called off from work unexpectedly.

What isn't to love about impromptu board games? Guitarist was down with having people over for gaming, so we scheduled that. And so I spent two days in a row with Raven, one private and one not so private (even though we played footsie under the table for a million hours). And. We're able to do both scheduled and impromptu plans. The fact that when she had some time she wanted to spend it with me means a lot to me. So... I'm updating her to girlfriend status, but I'm going to continue to try to avoid pressing myself to in any kind of escalator fashion, including with the physical stuff. Enjoying it on its own level is going to be my mantra. It's clear that I CAN do that.

And then Sunday disappeared in a haze of video games. Because I really, really needed some time to relax and recharge.

I also really need to get over to PP and get an HPV vaccination. After a bunch of group negotiation, Guitarist and Spice are doing unprotected oral now, which I had agreed to provided he tests regular, but the vaccination is on me and I'm not going to feel comfortable having unprotected sex with Guitarist until I get it, even though Spice is testing regularly and Guitarist testing regularly was a condition of my consent to having unprotected sex with Guitarist while that is going on. And my insurance doesn't cover it because at the venerable age of 31, I'm too old. So. I need to call them and get something set up. Good times.

Today, our new water heater is being delivered and installed. The present one has a cracked tank and has been leaking on the floor for like 4 months, which is no good. Tonight is counseling, Tuesday I'm getting my hair cut. Friday is a poly meetup that I think I'm going to.

Aaaand I just remembered that I need to move the cat box so the installers can get to the basement.
 
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