Hahaha, oops....
The past couple weeks I have been Extremely Intensely missing Goth. Like, to the point where it was a near constant distraction and honestly quite irritating that I couldn't shake the topic from my mind.
Today I had a realization.... The question I was asking myself was "why am I still so hung up on him? Shouldn't I be cooling down on it by now?"
But really.... I always have trouble letting go of the intense relationships.
I've gotten better at letting go if one side did something harmful to the other side (especially if I caused harm and need to slink away with my tail tucked). And I've had things wind down for little to no reason.
But there are others I've never fully gotten over, and it took years to get sort of over them in the first place. I don't fall out of love typically. It changes, and can definitely cool off with long absence (especially when there's no foreseeable hope of things being more frequent.... Like having 6 kissable people I hardly ever see and feeling like none of them are quite "real" relationships because they are so... Distant? (Except not... Hrm my words are failing here.))
So.... It's not unlike me to still pine for the comfort that was, long after it's ended. And I just need to keep making responsible choices about it. Like NOT messaging him or pestering mutual friends to see how he's doing.
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Nostalgia has been really heavy lately too. I miss the presence of people I have cared about, no matter how removed they are from my life currently.
I keep feeling "I don't want to be" with varied intensity. Off and on I wish no one needed or cared so I could be gone with out causing any hurt or harm.
I hate the fights I keep having with my kids. It's become more nights than not, and it hurts me deeply. I may have never wanted kids, but I certainly don't want to be an evil mom in their eyes. Monkey2 keeps getting mad about damn near anything.
So overwhelmed with life as it is.
Drowning in debt, housework, and demand for my attention. I very nearly babysat 3 separate yearlings (two with older siblings also, the third would have been in addition to my own) 3 nights in a row, but the third cancelled having found a simpler option. I got less than 4 hours of sleep Saturday night between babysitting and my monkeys' events this past weekend.
I'm no good to anyone like this, and I don't see a way out. Gotta just HOPE that when M2 starts school next round it Helps more than it adds to the struggles.... *Fingers crossed*
Also, I feel like I'm fading back into asexual territory which was very disorienting when it happened during M2 pregnancy. Still doesn't feel safe to think about kissing my kissable people.
Still safe. Just so fed up with all of it.