Looking for advice

C

couplequestions

New member
Hi everyone.
I have a couple questions (hence the user name:))
I am wondering if my reasons for wanting an open relationship are valid.
My bf and I have been together over 4 yrs. I am bisexual and he has known that from day one. Over the years, I have been intimate with women and once we both were with a gf of mine. My having a gf is never an issue.

My bf has never had a big sex drive, I believe it's due to the meds he takes. I feel starved for physical intimacy. He won't take any meds to increase his desire due to his concern over the health implications.

Being physically touched and desired is a basic need that has not been being fulfilled. The only way I get it is to ask for it, I am 99% of the time the initiator. It's hurtful, I can feel myself getting resentful. I do not want that. I need to feel wanted, craved, desired, touched, groped. I want someone to want me passionately. I don't have that.

I love him in all other aspects. We are like two very good friends. I don't want to end it because of this one aspect. I've read the book Open and wonder if we could do this. I have even discussed my needs and asking for his consent to let us be open. (this was last night) He said he would think about it. I think we have a chance it may work. I have read about creating rules for such a relationship and of course, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I just don't see him going after it like me since I am the one feeling like I have a deprived sex life. Still I am open to him going for it if he wants.

If he consents to it, should we do it together first? Like a couple with another couple? That seems labor intensive but I want to try this. Hell. I need it.

Anyone in this situation? Would appreciate some advice. Thanks in advance.
 
Whether your reasons are valid or not is something only you can decide. If *you* think they're valid, go from there.

If you and your boyfriend agree to try an open relationship, personally I would advise *against* trying it together. Playing as a couple with another couple sometimes works out, but (speaking from having observed several couples I'm friends with who "play" that way), a lot of times it ends up with, say, the female of one couple being attracted to the male of the other, while the other male and female have no attraction at all. As one of my guy friends put it when talking about the experiences he and his wife have had, "Most of the time, one of us has to take one for the team," i.e. have sex with someone they aren't attracted to in the slightest so the other one can have their fun.

And I would definitely advise against trying to find a female to "play" with both of you... while that's possible, a lot of times it builds resentment, and it isn't easy to find a "unicorn" who's willing to be with both the man and woman in a couple.

Plus... you say your boyfriend doesn't have a big sex drive to begin with and almost never initiates sex with you. I can't see why he would want to have sex with someone else if he isn't into sex with you most of the time. It seems to me that if you were to start off by trying "swapping," more work would be involved in persuading your boyfriend to have sex at all than in finding another couple.

If this is something you want to do because of *your* sexual needs, why would you bring your boyfriend into it beyond making sure he's okay with you having other partners? It sounds like his needs are being fulfilled. *You* are the one who needs/wants more. So leave it at that. Talk to him, find out if he'd be okay with you finding someone else to meet your sexual needs, and find someone else for *yourself* if he says it's okay.

If he isn't okay with it, you're obviously going to have a decision to make: Maintain the status quo, in which you aren't happy or satisfied; cheat on him to get your needs met; or break up with him. But leave that decision aside until you talk to him; maybe he'll tell you to go for finding someone else in addition to him, and you'll be set.
 
Thank you for your reply KC43.
You hit the nail on the head.

I want this because I have a basic need I'm not getting. I've been going without it for a couple years now. I don't want to do the swingers thing. I am not a cheater. I have thought about cheating though and come to the conclusion that it's not me and would not be a good choice.

This said, if he agrees to allow this, I will discretely get my needs met.
If he says he is unable to allow this, it will most likely be a relationship that isn't going to last. That breaks my heart just to think about it.

The more I talk about my need for being physically wanted and desired the more he seems grouchy about my needs. I'm not a bad looking woman either. We are an attractive couple and we enjoy each other. He is very much a man and I think it must make him feel less of one for losing his sexual desires.

And I could have a gf but I don't want one. I want the desire of a man, a man's hands, his touch. I could go out and get a girlfriend but this isn't what I am missing.
 
Being good-looking, attractive, etc. doesn't really have anything to do with sex, in my opinion. You could be the hottest supermodel in the universe, but if your partner has low or no libido, he/she isn't going to want to have sex with you.

In other words, whether your partner desires you or not has nothing to do with YOU... it's to do with HIS libido/sex drive, which you've said is low. And if you've talked at him about it a lot, it would be no wonder if he felt emasculated.

Not all men always want sex. Not all women always want sex. It isn't a gender-based thing any more than it's based on physical appearance. Again, it's solely a function of each person's libido. No one can really help how high or low their sex drive is; they can act against it, but that doesn't change the actual sex drive. And particularly if, as you say, your boyfriend's lack of desire is due to medications he's on... there isn't a damn thing he can do about that except to have sex with you when he doesn't want to so you'll stop asking him why he doesn't want to.

I'm sorry if any of that sounds harsh. I went through a similar situation with Hubby when we first moved in together, and I'm speaking from how *he* felt, as he expressed to me, when I complained and got upset about him not wanting sex as often as I did. It was hurtful to him, and he felt like "less of a man"...not because of not wanting sex often, but because I wasn't happy about it. All the discussions about it did was make him more resentful, more self-conscious, and less likely to want sex. Once I backed off, he was a whole lot more interested. I know you feel hurt and confused by your partner's lack of interest, but I'm asking you to also consider how you're discussing it with him and how *he* may be feeling about the situation and the things you say.

(And his lack of desire had nothing to do with us opening our marriage and my subsequent transition into polyamory... the sexual discrepancy and resolution happened five years ago, whereas it hasn't been quite two years since we opened the marriage.)
 
KC43 I appreciate your blunt honesty. When you wrote [All the discussions about it did was make him more resentful, more self-conscious, and less likely to want sex. Once I backed off, he was a whole lot more interested.]

I know I am making him resentful by bringing this up but I feel it's either bring it up or suffer in silence. It may anger him. He may resent me but I am resenting him. It's not fair to me. I have backed off plenty. Getting sex once a month only because I ask for it leaves me feeling very frustrated. I know he doesn't like to hear it but I'm tired of my boyfriend being 6 batteries.

He takes high blood pressure meds which I've heard can have an effect on libido. Mind you, I am only really guessing it's the meds from what I've read online. The first 2 years we were together were pretty hot, way hotter than it is or has been the last 2. I hope he cares enough to get his hormone level checked and possibly do something about it. Or I hope he at least cares enough about me to let me have an open relationship. I've thought about cheating more than I would like to say. I know I could have easily done it many times over by this point. I want to be different than most and do things honestly. I really don't know if you would call this polyamory or not.
 
I'm definitely not saying that you should sacrifice your happiness or swallow your resentment for the sake of his ego or to keep him from resenting you. It sounds like this situation is causing negative feelings on both sides of the equation.

You unquestionably have the right to tell him how you're feeling; I said what I said in my last post more to encourage you to think about *how* you're telling him. For example, saying "This isn't fair to me, and I resent you because I feel like my boyfriend is six batteries" is a lot harsher than saying "I get that this is something you believe you can't help, but it's having a really negative impact on our relationship. When I'm the only one showing an interest in sex, I feel hurt and angry."

High blood pressure meds can definitely impact libido. If your boyfriend is concerned about that side effect, he should talk to his doctor, because there may be a different medication or a lower dosage he could take that wouldn't cause the same problem, or at least not to the same extent. He might not be comfortable discussing this with his doctor, though; some people just plain don't want to talk about their sex lives with their doctor. All you can do about that is encourage your boyfriend to at least think about bringing it up at his next appointment.

The fact that you *haven't* cheated when you've had inclination and opportunity to do so shows that you're an ethical person and love your boyfriend too much to take that step, but it also sounds like you're nearing the end of your ability to choose nothing over something, even if that "something" means being unethical and dishonest. I don't say that as a judgment, mind you; people do what they do, and it isn't my place or business to judge unless I'm involved. From what you've said here, though, I think *you* would be uncomfortable and unhappy with yourself if you made the choice to cheat, so for your sake, I hope you and your boyfriend are able to reach a resolution.

To answer your last statement... if you're looking for a loving, romantic connection with someone else in addition to your boyfriend, it's polyamory; if you're *only* looking for sex and maybe friendship, it isn't, at least not to me.
 
rgenufa Panax

KC43, again, thank you for your advice. You are a wise woman and do have some valuable insight. I appreciate you sharing it. I wrote a letter to him that I want to use to talk to him about this tonight. I do hope with all my heart he cares enough to make a dr appt and confront this issue. I see it affecting our relationships continually if he doesn't. I don't know if I could do polyamory right. It's ironic but when I met my guy, I only wanted an fwb, I was tired of living on batteries. We met and fell in love and now the one thing I was looking for and couldn't live without that lead me to him he cannot give..or so it seems. I worry that I might fall in love with another man. I am not sure I can just have sex. I'm also not in a spot where if things go south in this relationship, I can just pick up and move. I'm a student and have over a year left of school. I was going to hold off on bringing up an open relationship until then but I feel like I cannot wait that long. It's really building up and stressing me out. And you are right, I'm not a cheater and I don't want to be. I would rather be given his consent to see my fulfillment of being needed and wanted sexually than do it behind his back. The best scenario though would be him seeking medical help and finding his libido again. It's so frustrating. I feel like this is going to make or break us.
 
CoupleQuestions

I think you first have to answer one question for yourself. And that is,"if your husband decided to take meds and wanted sex, are you still going to want to be with other men???? It sounds like your mail reason for being here is because of lack of male sex partner (husband). He obviously is not comfortable with you being with other men, so his decision not to take any meds makes him own a good part of your issues. It is not uncommon for blood pressure meds to effect male libido and that is why Viagra and Cialis make billions of dollars a year. if he has had a dangerous reaction, that is another story.
On the other hand, if he takes the meds and has sex with you often, and then you tell him it does not matter, you still want to be intimate with other men, I believe you will have a major problem and have to end the relationship.
i think you need to sort out which option you want, regular sex with husband, or that plus sex with other men, before you press on with him.
it was just my take from your post that the driving force was hubby's lack of sex drive, not your need for other men.
Hope you can work it out.
 
their clorcr

Hi serb,

First, he isn't a husband, he is a boyfriend. If he had a sex drive and desired me physically and showed it, I would not be considering finding another man. I really only want him, except he doesn't have the sexual desires. I think we need to have more discussion about this issue. Like it or not, it has to be talked about. Maybe it would work out to have another man for this area of my life. Who knows. It's dangerous possibly but also it is to do nothing.
 
Then you answered the question.
He is causing his own problem and distress in your relationship by not being willing to take some steps to ATTEMPT to alleviate the situation. He has the power to possibly make all the anger and resentment he is showing go away, and you certainly need to tell him that. I think he owes your relationship that.
if he has problems with the meds, that is another story. But telling you no sex, no other men, and just suck it up is as bad as you telling him, meds or not, sex or not, I am doing this, and suck it up.
It does not seem like your relationship cannot be saved if you have this conversation in a sane and non threatening manner. You know how to deal with him.just do not position it as "Take the meds or Im fucking other men".
 
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