lost, new to polyamory, I don't want it

kcczoey6666

kcczoey6666

New member
My boyfriend of almost three years (Finn) told me that he wants to be in a poly relationship. He gets really sad about not being about to embrace that due to me not wanting to try it.

We are great together. We have the same interests, and hang out often, when we can. I work full time. He is the best boyfriend I could have asked for.

I want to try and get through this and try for him. I know he would try to continue being mono for me, but I do want to try.

I am very insecure. I feel like any other person will be better then me and he will leave me in the end. He tells me all the time that it is not like that, that he loves me a lot, and doesn't want to hurt me. We talk about this often.

I am also dealing with the fact that I just found out that I have PCOS, and I might not be able to have kids, which we have talked about having. I feel weird that someone else would get to do that with him and I would not.

He would like me to date others, as well as him, to add to our family.

Please help me. Thank you.
 
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Hey there, Zooey.

If you do decide to try this... it's true that meeting a new person (whether friends or lovers) doesn't mean the other people/partners get left, even if you think they are better looking, funnier, more into mountain climbing, whatever. That is a good thing about poly.

The fact that it sounds like you two have been being talking about polyamory for awhile now is a good thing. Knowing that he isn't rushing into it helps.

If you do venture forth, you might want to identify just what your insecurities center round, and help give Finn ways to address them. Otherwise he might be doing or saying what he thinks will make you feel better, like constantly telling you he loves you, and that you're special, when it doesn't help, because what you really want or need to hear is that he's glad to come home to you at the end of the day, because no matter how crazy his day is, he feels at peace when he comes home to your smile.

Also, unless Finn has said he wants to have kids no matter what, there is no reason to think that just because he dates other people that he will have kids with them. It does not mean that his other partners will live with you someday in a big family so you'll have to help raise the children Finn has with his other partner.

You can negotiate anything you want.

If staying with Finn if he wants kids with somebody else is a dealbreaker for you, it's okay to say that. If you decide you would try it if biological kids are really important to him, well, that's at least a couple years in the future, isn't it? You've got to date people, like them, love them, decide if having a family makes sense, make sure nobody is rushing into parenthood too fast. You get to figure out if you want to date or not, etc.

I want you to keep in mind that polyamorous relationships have thousands of configurations, and you do get to decide what would or wouldn't work for you.
 
Thanks for the insight.

I feel so lost about how and where to start.

How do I not get jealous when someone else comes into the equation?

How do I tell my parents about this? I don't want to hide anything from them.
 
I hope you will look at our book recommendations and other threads worth reading in the Golden Nuggets section. I would suggest for sure reading Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. (It might seem a bit out there at first if you aren't a kinky person, but) it has a lot of good checklists and questions to go over with each other, which I think is great for people who are going from mono to poly. I always read as much as possible about a new subject, so I've read most of the books on poly I could find. They all have some value, and something worth discussing in them.

Lots of people wait until they are dating somebody seriously before telling parents, friends or coworkers about it. Some people never do, if it's not going to do anything but worry them. Maybe try it for 6 months and then decide. If it doesn't work out, would you wish you had kept your mouth shut? There are a number of threads on here about "coming out," if you do end up wanting to share.

My mom's a swinger. My dad's an ex-swinger and rampant cheater. Therefore, I didn't have any problem telling them. So my advice isn't much use, I'm afraid. Really, the worst was my mom trying to tell me I was making a mistake trying to practice polyamory, and I should swing instead, because it was "safer" for the marriage than sleeping with someone else without my husband there. :rolleyes:
 
Welcome to the forum.

When thinking about Finn, there's one determination to make first: is he polyamorous, or is he using the term as a more acceptable term than swinging? You might already know enough about his past and current views on relationships, sex, and love to answer that question. If he's just looking for escape, then you've got problems. If he's actually a swinger with no interest in relationships, then poly purists might take issue with his choice of terms.

But let's assume that he's honestly actually polyamorous. If so, he might have already de-programmed the mono thinking that say love is only 1 + 1. Thus, you don't need to be so worried about whether a new person could replace you. Poly folks are very good at seeing differences, but appreciating them, rather than comparing them.

As for the PCOS, my partner and I invited a couple over last Sunday to celebrate their twins' first birthday. The mother in that couple has PCOS. It's tough to become a mother when you have PCOS, but possible.

Education and communication are your friends. Reading is important, but talking and listening are also essential. Communicate with each other. Use concrete examples. Ask Finn what his long-term plans are.

As a poly male, I can assure you that "coming out" to some people is not easy.

It's a good sign Finn is talking to you rather than playing behind your back.

In the meantime, when you feel anxious, ask yourself if you're worried about a now thing or a future thing. If it's something going on right now, think about it and figure out the root issue. If it's a future thing, try to let it go.

*hug*
 
My first reaction to your initial post, Zooey, is to recommend that you both read as much as you can about polyamory, ask questions here, and keep talking with Finn about how he would envision things. Then decide for yourself whether it is something you want. Don't just get into it to make him happy, because putting your own needs aside will make you miserable. Make sure you are both as informed as possible, and then take baby steps. Don't jump into being sexual with other people right away.

As far as telling your parents, why do you want to? You're an adult, and polyamory is just something you're considering now, to see if it is right for you. Why should they be told anything that is private between you and Finn, when it would probably just create drama and ickiness, especially if they are not as open-minded? I would wait a while until you actually have a poly relationship happening, and it's got some stability, before you tell your parents and rock the boat.
 
Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

Finn sees poly as a way to love more then one person. He would never do anything behind my back. We talk about almost everything. I know that it is not just sexual. I know that it is polyAMORY he wants. He signed up here too, to work through this together.

Is this what I want? I think I do. It's the insecurity I have that makes it hard. I have always had feelings for other guys, and for the guy I was with, at the same time. I did not understand what it was, so I often ended up cheating when I was younger. I am having a hard time with the fact that he will be with others. But I have to remember that I will be too, and I might grow to love these other people as well, whether boys or girls, there is more to relationships then sex. I have to understand that it is not a bad thing, like I was raised to believe.

And thank you for telling me about your friend with PCOS. That gives me lots of hope.

This site is the best! :)
 
KCC, I feel the same way you are as I am in the same situation. My boyfriend is poly and he introduced me to it when I was failing in my marriage last year about this same time.

My boyfriend gave me this site this morning to review and I am glad to have found someone who feels the same as me.

I also feel for you with PCOS. I was diagnosed with PCOS about 2 years ago. Being on the regime for that condition, I was able to have a beautiful baby girl 2 months ago. It is possible to conceive and I hope you are able to.

I found most of the replies in the message as helpful, but it seems with differences lately, that my boyfriend and I will be splitting up. He was patient in waiting for me during my pregnancy, but that did not give me time to experience what I needed to.

Good luck to you.
 
Hello, I'm KCC's BF, Bones. I'm trying my best to show her that me wanting to be poly isn't about wanting to sleep around, and if I were to find another girl, it wouldn't mean I'd love her less. Any advice on ways to help me help her?
 
Aww baby, thanks for that. It shows you care. You're the best ever. And if there is any methods people have used in the past to help their partner out with getting started would be best.
 
Bones said:
Hello, I'm KCCs BF, Bones. I'm trying my best to show her that me wanting to be poly isn't about wanting to sleep around. If I were to find another girl, it wouldn't mean I'd love her less. Any advice on ways to help me help her?
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Being open about what's going on is important. Being here helps because of the experienced people you can ask. Tags on messages help you find related messages, so lots of reading (especially together) helps.

My personal advice is relatively simple. First, be very proactive in your communication. If you keep things to yourself, it can seem as though you're hiding things. You don't have to include juicy details (and they may not help if you did), but your partners shouldn't be surprised to find out about someone. Surprise is akin to shock, and shock is a bad thing.

Second, consider how any new partner would affect the entire mix. Don't show up on your doorstep with a poseable goth doll and say, "Look what followed me home, honey, let's keep it!" This doesn't mean you should have veto power or similar. It means that if you consider everyone's personalities, you won't need to go there. Even if your poly is a vee (instead of a triad or some other feat of geometry), adding a partner changes your time, thoughts, and actions, and that affects everyone.

Third, remember that even though the heart has the ability to grow, the calendar does not. Poly life can become an exercise in project management or logistics gymnastics. Even if you have a well-planned schedule, take time to have special moments that reaffirm your partner's value.

Last, be careful about NRE (tagged in these forums often). NRE can lead to blindness or obsession. Even small doses of obsession can make partners think they're not loved or are replaceable. Instead, take the energy that comes with NRE and channel some of it back to your existing relationship(s). This reminds them that they're important and lets them feel benefit from your new situations.
 
NRE is something I thought about, I think I can manage it, but I won't know for sure until it comes up. I think i'll be able to handle it by always talking with both of them about it. KCC is very confusing sometimes about this, saying she is okay with poly, but she gets upset over certain aspects of it. We've done some poly stuff, nothing compared to what I think most of you would consider "real poly," but it seems to be going well, with few problems. I've been reading a lot of the posts on this site and it's been helping a lot.
 
Bones, reading here will help. Talking also helps. Don't forget that sometimes talking something to death is not helpful. People need time and space to process adjustments. How much varies based on circumstance, person, and the change. If you want more detailed suggestions on you problems with certain aspects, post in the forums, and I'm sure you'll get suggestions. Best of luck to you all.
 
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