Love, Family, Friendship

It's over with Viggo

The intent when Viggo got with me was to bring him out of his busy life and give him some social outlets, but his work has proven more important, so I ended things.

I'm not upset. Okay, I was a little. But I'm over it now.
 
Things with Ronan

He and I are talking regularly. He says "I love you" first. He is starting to end things with his not-girlfriend, almost baby-momma, whatever.

I did something I haven't done in a while. I poured my heart out to him, and told him I'd be on the sidelines waiting for when he was ready.
 
John is talking to a girl. :)

I'm apprehensive, because I've never been on this side of things, but I'm excited for him too. Its a wierd mix of emotions.

I'm hopeful that it will work out between them.
 
NRE on both sides

John is going on his first date with a great prospect. Meanwhile, I sealed the deal and got a new boyfriend yesterday. It's weird, but kinda cool that we both (hopefully for him) found someone that is cool with the polyamory and wants to date us each individually.

I'm a little scared of the simultaneous NRE though. I'm afraid we will lose each other in the shuffle. We agreed to have "us time" that was free of convo from and about our others. We have decided this "us time" can be declared fluidly, so if either of us feels we need it, then we can. We are also setting aside date nights for us. Even if we just stay home, these "us nights" will be the key to keeping our relationship strong.

I'm very excited and nervous for him. I know he will do well, but he hasn't had a first date in three years. They are getting coffee, so no big pressure, but if the conversation doesn't flow, or the feelings aren't there, I don't want him to come home bummed.

I'm texting him at 6:00 asking him when he plans on being home. :) We have a four-hour contact rule. We have to contact each other every four hours that we are out with someone else. So 6:00 is that point... three more hours or so. I'm sending him a message that says "Don't feel like you have to come home now, but I was wondering when you were planning on it."

I kinda want to meet her before things get involved, but she is nervous about meeting me. I understand where she is coming from, but I always have my dates meet John right away. If they can't handle it, then they aren't worth it. I'll give her a few weeks to adjust. I have expressed that I want to meet her before they have sex, but I'm not hard on that requirement.

As for my "boyfriend," he will be dubbed Nick. Although it's only been a few days, I'm very hopeful for a long relationship.
 
A day late and a dollar short

Nick really crossed a line of my personal space, then wouldn't give me any time to think about things. So he's out of the picture. Breaking rules involving my body and my desires, when I have been abused and raped in the past, does not bode well for a relationship.

As for Marina (John's new dating person), things are going good so far with John and her. And I have a crush on her, bad! She's never done more than kiss a girl, so I'm taking it slow with her, but I'm hopeful that she will see how awesome I am and want to be with me, too. She's already agreed to threesomes, kissing, and touching, but I'm letting her choose when to make a new move. It's no fair that John and I have the exact same taste in women!

Am I hopeful that she will be our unicorn? Yes. Were we looking for that? No.

I've still got Ronan, and I'll have him forever.
 
Why?

I'm talking to a new guy, but it's nothing serious. We may turn out to be just friends.

But my crush on Marina is driving me crazy. We went out tonight and talked for five hours, sharing stories about our families and lives. I wanted to kiss her goodbye SO BAD, but I respect that she has decided she just wants a sexual relationship with me, and I think only with John involved.
 
Poly presentation!!!

I'm going to double post this here and in the Spirituality forum.

I gave a speech/sermon/presentation today at my UU community. It was well received!! Everyone said "interesting" or "great speech," or whatever, and we had a great forum afterwards, where we answered questions candidly and had a few laughs. I'm so proud of myself for making it through my first public speech!

So for your entertainment, here's my speech, in its Beta form. I made some last minute corrections just before that aren't in here:

It's one thing to speak to a room full of people about something that falls within your realm of expertise. It's quite something else to be prepared to speak about your own personal lifestyle choice, particularly when that lifestyle choice is unconventional, even more particularly when it involves sex. You see, my husband and I practice polyamory.

Polyamory can be defined as a relationship style where each individual is encouraged to have romantic interest in other people. Polyamory is also the potential for loving more than one person within a given period of time. Here we will define "love" as a serious, intimate, romantic, stable, affectionate bond which a person has with another person or group of people. Responsible non-monogamy is another way of saying polyamory, and it is used to distinguish polyamory from "cheating."

Polyamory is a general term covering a wide variety of relationship styles, including group marriage or polyfidelity, open marriage, expanded family, intimate networks, and some types of intentional communities. Polyamory is a relationship choice available to people of any sexual orientation.

The main tenets of polyamory are honesty, openness, and communication. This also means polyamory does not mean "Out to have sex with everyone," or even, "Wants to steal your significant other." I know this is a concern for many, but a polyamorous person is only interested in relationships where everyone involved, even partner's partners, are consenting to the relationship. It also is very different from swinging, or purely sexual activities with others outside of a relationship, and from polygamy, where one man has many wives who are not allowed other relations, and from polyandry, where one wife has many husbands who are not allow outside relationships. In polyamory, all members are allowed outside relationships, even to the point of loving another.

We all love our parents, grandparents, siblings, children, and close friends to varying degrees and for different reasons. Poly people just expand this to romantic love interests, as well. They allow themselves to experience love as it happens.

However, non-traditional relationships have few role models and little societal support, and therefore require careful consideration.

It is natural, I think, that the UU values of individual choice and responsibility, and honoring diversity, should be attractive to polyamorists. It's inevitable, in my opinion, that Unitarian Universalism will soon be aware of a growing number of openly polyamorous people within its congregations.

Acceptance of one another within UUism promotes this integration for polyamorous UUs. The closet can be a difficult place to live. I know, we lived mostly in the closet for about five years, and leaving a part of oneself behind when crossing the threshold of one’s church can interfere significantly with one’s spiritual search. Polyamorists need to bring our entire beings, including our relationships, into our religious homes, in order to pursue spiritual growth.

I believe that the tenets of polyamory: honesty, integrity, and consent in personal relationships, are essential to the affirmation of the inherent worth and dignity of one’s partners. The affirmation of a partner’s inherent worth and dignity necessitates respect for that partner’s choices in his/her own relationships, including freedom to feel and openly express love for others, including romantic love. Justice, equality and compassion in human relations are promoted by the presence of honesty, integrity, and consent in all personal relationships.

There is a right of conscience for members of our community to choose monogamy for themselves and to visibly bring monogamous relationships into their churches; and a right of conscience for ourselves to choose polyamory and to visibly bring polyamorous relationships into our community. These rights are inherent, no matter which relationship style we choose.

Personal relationships, whether monogamous or multi-partner, must be integrated into our spirituality, as part of the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part. World community, peace, liberty, and justice are all supported and strengthened by increasing education and familiarity with non-traditional life choices, and by opening the closet doors. Monogamy is now the norm, but there is plenty of evidence to show that was not always the case.

Currently monogamous people have plenty of questions. The most common question that comes up when I discuss polyamory with monogamous people is the issue of jealousy. Jealousy is a natural human emotion. It happens. In order to have a successful polyamorous relationship, you must change how you deal with the jealousy. In polyamory, you have to deal with jealousy on a personal level and not force the related emotions on your partner or partners. Jealousy can mean we are scared, angry or envious. As a polyamorous person, you must learn to battle these underlying emotions. This learning process is scary, but when these emotions are overcome, a new emotion called compersion takes over. Compersion is feeling happy that your partner is happy, even if that happiness doesn't all come from you.

Another important part of successful poly relationships is good communication skills. It takes time, patience, and practice to be a good communicator. There are lots of good communication practices, but the most common are active listening and non-violent communication. Active listening is essentially ensuring understanding by repeating what you heard in your own words, while non-violent communication avoids the use of the word "you" and prevents defensive reactions from the person you are talking to. Non-violent communication is used to avoid blaming someone, and putting them on the defensive, which leads to unconstructive communication or fighting.

So, you deal with jealousy and other emotions, you learn to communicate, but how does it all work? The main thing that keeps it all together is boundaries. These are a set of ideals about time spent with others, types of relationships, or who they can be with, the amounts of information shared about other relationships, or anything else the couple, partners, or group decide is important to them. These boundaries become the structure for the relationship, and like the relationship, they grow and change over time.

As I mentioned before, one boundary that all poly relationships share is a requirement of honesty. Being honest seems like an easy thing to do, but add in the good communication skills needed, and other boundaries, and things can get complicated. How to be honest without divulging information your partner doesn't want to hear, or doesn't want shared? Where do you draw the line between being honest and being respectful? This line is in a different place with each relationship, so like other boundaries, it must be decided on by the relationship members.

Another big topic is children in polyamorous households. Many polyamorists are parents, and across the country there are children who are growing up happy and healthy in polyamorous families. In fact, these households almost always mean a child learns two important things-- 1) what love can look like in its many forms, and 2) how to express that love. A child in a polyamorous household usually gets exposed to different types and levels of love expressed by their parents and various other adults in their lives. They also get to experience being loved by many adults in varied degrees and for varied reasons. In my opinion, being a child of a polyamorous relationship is a positive experience for the children. There is very little research on the topic, but case studies have shown that polyamorous families raise self-respecting, well-adjusted children with a different view on love. The children are able to form close relationships with peers and adults and generally have a positive experience. Though some children struggle with the fact that Mom and or Dad are different, and worry about social repercussions, a majority of children showed positive responses.

Polyamory is just a different way to express love. Its value and worth in our community is inherent. I know that there are questions and comments, so I have endeavored to made this short enough so that we can discuss after the service is over. I will be available after our closing for comments and discussion.
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So, the guy I was talking to, the one that I said might just be a friend, we are together now. I actually think I'm in the early stages of love. He's awesome, and a more perfect complement to John than anyone before. This is what I've been looking for so long, trying and failing and getting myself hurt, because I wanted this so badly.

I have this amazing guy now, that is gentle and rough at all the right times. He and John are becoming friends. It seems like everything will work out. After Nick, I needed something caring and positive. So even if it doesn't work out, I've had a very positive experience!

This has brought issues, of course. NRE has been out of control, but I'm getting it there. We are starting to settle into the long-term part of the relationship, and we've set up a schedule of seeing each other so I get plenty of time with John. John and I are leaving town for two months. If "Hayden" and I can make it through the separation, then I think we will be good.

We will see what happens. :)

Oh, and John and Marina have had some problems, but they are still together!
 
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