Love, Family, Friendship

And the world crashes down

Fox broke up with me.

Maybe the more I say it the less it will hurt.

He told me he couldn't feel indifferent to our relationship anymore, that he still loves me and cares for me, and will tell me no when I need to hear it.

Then he held me, told me he was sorry for hurting me, and let me fall asleep in his arms.

I've cried so much I should be out of tears, but typing this brings them back again.

I don't know how to handle this. He wants to be friends. He says he's not going to move out. Not that I thought he would move out.
 
Can't we just start over, or go from here?

Fox and I hung out all day Monday and we both had a good time. We also spent time together last night and had a good time.

Somehow, Trinity being over here tonight isn't bothering me as much as I thought it would.

I want so bad to just look at him and say, "Could we have this exact same relationship, with sex, kissing, and sleeping together?" I wish it were that easy.

If our friendship came back that quickly, I think that we owe it to ourselves to try again, but that is just my way of looking at things. I'm afraid to tell him how I feel, afraid he will consider it being pushy, which is his major complaint about me. It's hard, but I know I have to wait. I have to give him time.

I am being very affectionate toward him, and I will until he tells me to stop. He is allowing and reciprocating my hugs and cheek kisses and such. He doesn't initiate them, but he does reciprocate.

I'm also being girlfriend-ish, by making sure he gets up for work, making him dinner, doing his laundry and such. I want a relationship with him to be natural and flow from what we have right now, a good friendship.

I did the same sort of stuff with Ronan when he lived with me, and I have taken the attitude at this moment that if I can do it with Ronan, I can do it with Fox, until he says otherwise.

I'm also respecting his request that I not sleep with a particular guy, at least for now. Not that it matters. John won't let me either. But I'm not hanging out with him because of Fox. I think that doing so would ruin any chance I have at us getting back together. And until that door is closed, I'm going to respect his wishes. It's not like that guy is going anywhere. It's been over a year since we really talked and he is still wanting to be with me.

It's weird to hurt and have fun at the same time. I don't really know what to think about that.
 
So sorry for you. :( This really sucks. I hope you are able to manage the next days. Sending you a ((( big girl bear hug )))
 
Move up and move on

I decided on a few things. I'm moving on. I still love Fox very much, but I know that there will not be anything there anymore. I'm okay with it. Maybe no one expected me to be, but I am. I've noticed things, looking from the outside in, and it makes me kinda sad, but it also makes me realize the truth about things.

I learned people involved read my blog... Hi! I'm no more raw here than I am in real life, so honestly, this should be nothing new.

Ronan and I started talking about having a relationship again, but I don't think that is going anywhere, as much as I'd like it to. He has a lot on his plate right now. I think we will likely just stay friends, maybe FWBs for a little while, until it becomes too much for one of us. I love him so much. It's amazing how much that love has grown and developed over time. The thing is, I know he feels the same way. We talked about it last night. We don't really do heart-to-heart conversations, so when we have one, it's something to be noted.

Since I feel that nothing will happen with Ronan, it's time to move on and look elsewhere. I'm doing a good job at that, so far, talking to a few new people. No one worth mentioning by name yet. Of course, if Ronan decides that he does want to try yet again, then moving to someone new will take a back burner to that.
 
Maybe

I've been talking to a guy the last few days, and we have a lot in common.

Now if R would just be straight with me about us having a relationship, I could decide where to take this new guy.

New guy is coming over tonight. We might go out, we might stay in.
 
riftara said:
I've been talking to a guy the last few days and we have a lot in common. Now if R would just be straight with me about us having a relationship, I could decide where to take this new guy.
New guy is coming over tonight.
Click to expand...

Make your own decision. There is no need to let someone else dictate how you live your life.
 
I've been seeing a few guys. No one jumps out at me. Everyone has positives and negatives. I'm keeping my options open.

Ronan and I talked again last night. As much as I know I will leave that door open, I can't and won't let him dictate me making a decision about any of the guys I have been talking to.

The crazy thing is two of the guys I'm talking to are already buying or talking about buying me stuff. I'm not saying I don't have a price. Everyone can be bought. But it kinda creeps me out and I'm not sure if I want to keep talking to them because of it. Do I look like I can be bought? Do they think if they throw enough money at me I'll leave John? Or are they just desperate to love, and think love can be bought?

I like being spoiled as much as the next girl, but that should come after the relationship is at least partially established. I spent money on Fox. He spent money on me. But it was after the relationship was established. In the beginning, we split just about everything.

I've been talking to a couple looking for a unicorn. I'm interested... very interested. I have seen, or dreamed, what it can be like. I would love to have that in my life.
 
Catching up

It's been a while since I've updated, I know. I'm sorry.

I dated a few guys, one really good one, that ended up not being emotionally ready for a relationship.

John had a girlfriend, but they split up. I actually had her living with me for a short time.

I still dream about Fox. He and Trinity broke up recently. Maybe that is why.

I'm in TX right now, and both my kids are in GA. My daughter's father wont let me bring her out here longer than a week, and we just can't afford to do that right now. My son is coming home in July. I let him spend the summer with his grandparents.

I have seen a few guys I'm interested in, but I have to stay away from them. They are all military, and that is against our rules.

I have been talking to a girl, though, and that seems promising, if we can ever get together and actually meet.
 
Moving on

I moved out to Texas to be with John.

I've started dating again, a guy we will dub Dallas. He is really amazing and fun to be around.
 
We Are Pregnant!

We are having another baby! John and I are excited.

D is apprehensive. He's out of town for a month, so he has plenty of time to think about whether he wants to date a pregnant woman. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. But I hope he can deal with me being pregnant.

In other news... John has a date tonight!
 
Congratulations! Good news. :)

It's understandable if Dallas has reservations about this. It is a huge step. I hope everyone is able to enter this new situation with a comfortable attitude, in the end.
 
Dalla decided he'd rather not. I understand, and I'm not too upset about it.

In other news, Ronan has been seeing another girl for about a year and she says she's pregnant. Although she could be, the odds are stacked against her. She has Ovid, which makes it hard to get pregnant, and she just happened to find out the day she had set as an ultimatum for him to choose her or his other girlfriend. I won't believe it until she shows, but I have a feeling she is lying and will have a miscarriage before that, actually, even before her first doctor's appointment, since Ronan is supposed to go with her. If she is actually pregnant, it is a miracle that everything lined up how and when it did.

As his best friend, I'm being supportive, but as his former lover, I'm hurt by the whole thing.
 
Ah, so my future is crushed

I've always held out hope that Ronan and I would be together in the long run, but he has a new baby boy on the way, so it seems that will never happen. I'm working on that with my therapist.

In other news, we are also having a boy!

And in other other news... I have a new boyfriend, who has no issue with my being pregnant whatsoever. We met before I was preggers and things have developed slowly. John likes him, and they seem to get along. We will dub him Viggo.

Viggo takes me nice places and buys me things, which I love. He's also there for me and shows concern and empathy. I'm not in love, but I can see it going there. He's very lovable.
 
I just had a wonderful evening with Viggo. I work until 1 am, but I got off early so he could come over. John is at work, so we had the house to ourselves, though I'm a little hypo-manic, so I was running around the house doing chores. He'd stop me for kisses, which I LOVE.

His kisses make me melt. I know its NRE, but it's so nice. I'm not a big kisser either. I love the way he rubs my belly and loves the fact that I am pregnant. He sees me as beautiful.

I want to talk to John about us coming out of the poly closet to a few people, because lot of our friends know Viggo, and I feel that the fact that we are dating will come out eventually. Someone will see us somewhere in all our googly-eyed new-relationship glory. And when we do eventually hang with those friends that know us both, I don't want to have to hide our relationship.

Viggo and I are going to spend all day Friday together. We try to have one day a week. John will be sleeping or at work most of the day, so it's a good time.

John and I will have all Thursday together. I'm off Thursdays and Fridays.
 
Just processing

I'm a jumble of emotions right now and I need to put it down where I can look at it later and sort it out.

I have no idea where to start...

I'm mourning the loss of a possible future with Ronan. I guess I always knew it was a long shot, but now that I know it will never happen, I'm sad about it. I'm hoping that time will heal these wounds and allow us to be continue to be close friends, but part of me thinks or maybe knows things will never be the same again.

I think I'm falling for Viggo, but I'm scared. I don't want to be burned like I was with Fox and Trinity. I allowed myself to love them too early and it came back to bite me.

John pointed out that Viggo and I have actually gone slowly. The first month of our official relationship was only texting and phone calls, because I was back home visiting. You get to know a person well when there is no physical to get in the way, John pointed out. I think he's right, but I'm not sure how to approach the subject of how I feel to Viggo. John thinks I should be blunt, which is how I got Viggo to begin with, but I know that it really caught him off guard and I'm not sure how he felt about it. I knew he wanted to be with me, though, so it was easier. I guess I'm afraid that he's not to the same point I am... not that I expect or even want him to be. I'm just afraid that I'll scare him away. I don't want him to feel like I'm putting him on the spot and I'm not sure how to address that with him.

Another thing for the main boards, I think.
 
Where Viggo opens up, a little

I wrote Viggo to tell him how I felt, without using the magical L-word.

He wrote back, and it was so sweet I cried. He admitted to being mistrusting and having a hard emotional shell and that he wanted to open up to me and love me.

He asked that I not keep my feelings from him, so between now and Friday, I will figure out how to tell him exactly how I feel without pushing him or pressuring him.
 
Moving right along

Viggo and I had a real discussion about where our relationship is going and the level we want it to be in the future, and we both agreed that the kids are the only thing holding us back. That came out a little wrong. Respect for the children's feelings mean we aren't going to jump into a super-serious thing, but let it progress and let the kids decide how much they are involved in this. His kids are all old enough to understand "Dad has a girlfriend who is pregnant by another man to whom she is married," and they have all met me. It's his youngest we are most concerned with. She seems to like me, so I've invited HER over to play Rock Band, a video game we both enjoy, when she's ready.

My kids are younger than her, but she's not a teen yet, so its an awkward age for me to deal with. Maybe I'll go to the main boards for some insight.

In other news, Viggo said he loves me! I'm happy about it, but I'm not ready to say it back, not after my relationships with Fox and Trinity, and how I said it too fast and got seriously burned. But at the same time, I know I'm in a place emotionally that if things were to end with Viggo, I'd be hurt by it. It's been two months officially together. I know I have feelings for him. I'm just not sure if I love him, if I'm too afraid to admit it to myself, or if I'm not quite there yet.
 
Viggo and I had a talk about ultimate goals for our relationship and we are on agreeable footing. He never wants to be more than a secondary to me, so that leaves me free to look for the primary I want, without hindering or interfering with our relationship.

I love that we can talk so openly and honestly about this kind of thing with each other.

I'm not eagerly pursuing looking for the primary I want, but I'm not closing myself off to possibilities, either.
 
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