Love Letters to my Husband's Girlfriend

[Sassywatch]

I've decided to start this blog mostly to help me organize my thoughts so that I can express myself better and so that I can share what is going on for me. I also love writing but if there is no one to read it then it's like if I fall over in the woods, and no one hears me, do I exist? Well, you know, besides the babies because they will probably take that opportunity to jump on me and steal my glasses.

I welcome comments and questions and anything I write is my own interpretation of my own experiences.

So, hi, I'm Sassywatch. I'm thirty-five years old and an introvert. To keep my tentative grip on sanity, I'm beginning to identify as an artist and embrace the reclusive, odd, artsy type persona. I think that I have artistic ADD. I'll do something for awhile and then start in a completely new medium. In the last year, I've made a Steampunk proton pack and gun, written a play, started painting with watercolors and doing some mixed media artwork, learned more about drawing, made jewelry, knitted a scarf, and learned to make the most amazing salted caramel cheesecake. I was in college and finished my degree. Now I'm a stay at home mom with two babies who are three and under and I have three step sons between the ages of sixteen and twelve.

I'll be calling my son, Footie, and my daughter, Yeti. We are living in a small village in the middle of nowhere with my partner of seven years, Wendigo. Wendigo and I have known each other since I was fifteen. We started dating after I returned to my hometown because of an MS diagnosis. Wendigo is an absolutely beautiful person. He is gentle, kind, and is a counselor. In the middle of redneck Alberta, he is a man who questions traditional masculinity and pushes other to do so as well. He encourages his sons to talk about feelings while also teaching them how to ethically hunt. I've never heard him yell and coming from my home life, that is an oddity. He is gentle with my babies. He truly is the best person that I've ever met.

We are coming out of two years of hell because of issues with post-partum depression, among other things, that led to me being hospitalized. I'd say now that we have never been more solid. We have been talking for a few years about opening up our relationship but wanted to wait till we were more stable. My older sister was polyamory for a while as well as Wendigo's little sister. I've wanted to be in a relationship like that but have never been able to negotiate it. I'm super quiet and awkward with anyone I am romantically interested in. Wendigo didn't know I had feelings for him until fifteen years after we had first met. I play a long game. We have lived in this village for about four years now and I have yet to make a friend. There is this one mom I've been working on. We are almost to the point of actual, verbal communication.

Wendigo met Succubus over six months ago now and it has been interesting negotiating that relationship. We were all heading over to my grandma's house for Christmas and I was sitting in the back of the van looking at my kids, and Wendigo and Succubus. It was an interesting experience. It's like if I hold on to maintaining the illusion of the appearance of my roles then there is a problem. For example, as the person in the wife and mother role, I should sit up front and Wendigo shouldn't be paying attention to other women. Or when my children ask to sit on Succubus' lap or when she does other things that show that she could just as easily fill the roles I have for my partner and children, there is a problem because all of that threatens the illusion of what it means to be a wife or a mother. But if I hold on to what is real then there is an infinite amount to give. Because anything I actually have is mine to give or share. It feels like it's mine to share. Sharing my life with this woman feels good and I share her life as well. She doesn't have children and now she gets to experience what it is like to be in a family with small children. I get to experience what it's like to live in a city in my own space. Succubus hasn't had the easiest life and I want to protect her. She has some major trust issues and I think that it takes a lot of faith and trust to come into an established couple and family. She is putting her trust in us and I hope that I can stay to my promise not to betray that trust. Maybe this is just a new relationship high, or that we are all in a honeymoon period but whether it's going to last or not I would like to remember this which is why this is Love Letters to my Husband's Girlfriend.

 

[Sassywatch]

When I was fifteen I met Wendigo. He was twenty-two and dating one of my older friends. I had the biggest crush on him. He has gorgeous eyes and I liked that he looked directly at me when we talked. But I had a rule about dating any ex's of my friends and the age difference at the time would make that relationship very inappropriate. He then met his soon-to-be-wife and I moved away from hanging out with our mutual friends so we lost touch. When I was twenty-two, I finished my first year of college and returned to my hometown to help my mom do make-up for the local theater group and Wendigo was there. I ended up working for him and his wife over the summer at their shop or babysitting. My parents have had multiple affairs and I know what that does to a family so nothing inappropriate happened.

One summer that I had returned home and ended up working for Wendigo. Wendigo and his wife had recently reconciled. He talked about how much he loved his wife and that they were going to stay together. And I figured that I had held on to this crush for long enough and it was time to let it go. I relaxed more around him and we became better friends. I had also decided not to return to my hometown next summer.

The next April, classes were ending and I was training to compete in a kickboxing tournament. I was training with more experienced fighters and was exhausted. I sat down for a second and someone started talking to me and I remember that I slurred some of my words. I figured that I was tired. That was Wednesday. By Friday, I had an oral presentation and had to remove some words that I could no longer pronounce. Over the weekend, I was dragging a foot and dropping things. I even joked around that I was losing my fine motor skills. It is amazing how much I can write off as exhaustion but the kicker is that most of the classes that I had taken were on brain and brain behavior. But, hey, no problem here. By Monday, I sounded like I was deaf and my sister sent me to the hospital. After I was admitted, I couldn't walk and had lost my fine motor skills. I spent a month in the hospital and walked out.

I returned to my hometown. Wendigo's marriage had been falling apart. I started walking with a cane and I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Wendigo gave separation papers and him and I started dating. I finished my last year of school in a year and a half. It was a nightmare. I had been in school so long and then could no longer function in that environment. Stress aggravated things and, by the end, I was in a wheelchair. Wendigo stayed with me for the whole thing. We were living together and often he would have to carry me around because I couldn't move. Even then our sex drives didn't match up mostly because I have to manage my energy. We joked about him needing a girlfriend.

A couple of years later, I had no or very little symptoms, even returned to kickboxing. Eventually, I got pregnant and I was having problems. After my son, Footie, was born things got worse but I thought it was normal new mom stuff. I thought postpartum depression meant that I didn't love my baby and I had never loved anyone more. I wasn't meeting Wendigo's needs and he started talking about a girlfriend. I was not in the right headspace and did not respond well. After Footie was almost a year old, I started feeling better but, bam!, I got pregnant again and things got worse. I thought we were going to have to end things. After Yeti was born things got really bad and I would break down several times a day with that crying where only dogs can hear you. My home nurse caught me and got me help. I started feeling like my old self. Things were really good. I was on the upswing and then my swing broke and I was hospitalized for three weeks.

Over the next year, Wendigo and I started to discuss opening up our relationship. The reasons became less about me failing as a partner and more about just wanting us both to be happy. I feel really secure in our relationship now and know that he isn't going to leave me and the children. When we first started talking, we talked about him having a fuck buddy. That didn't sit well with me. I haven't done casual relationships well. If that's what he got then I didn't want to meet her or have her around me or my children. But if she was someone he cared for and she cared for him then come on over. Since Succubus has come into our lives, there is less pressure for me to have sex which has increased my sex drive. I have a new friend and Wendigo and I both have more support when my health takes a dive.

Wendigo did tell Succubus that part of why we were opening up our relationship was because of my health issues but it hurts me less now. I acknowledge that this is my reality and it's not a failure on my part. We have had some miscommunication like Wendigo told Succubus that I might be looking for a girlfriend. She figured that if I found someone who liked Wendigo and I then there would be no need for her and that she was replaceable. I'm not looking for anyone right now but when my babies are older then I'll reconsider. As for the girlfriend part, I'm pretty sure that I'm bisexual but I've never been with a woman so I'm not going to rule out either sex. And Succubus is not replaceable. She is part of the family and I think our new family motto is "The More the Merrier".

 

[Beka]

wow ... like looking in a mirror.
i don't have an easy time writing nor painting without someone to share it with. they are both forms of communication. i want to communicate w someone outside of myself. often my paintings have been exorcisms, getting the uglies out.

i have ms. i don't leave home without my wheelchair. i have paintings in my head, but my hands don't work right. i have to modify techniques, styles, methods, etc. i won't give up art, but it is sooo hard now. yeah, i was in my 40s before i accepted the label artist. people had referred to me as such for years/decades, but not me to me.

i am in my 60s. when i was in grad school 'back in the day,' i had one professor doubt i could focus long enoughh to write my master's thesis. he was pleasantly surprised when i did. in undergrad i toook such varied courses because i enjoyed learning so many different things. another grad school professor admired my ability to so easily jump from idea to idea to idea. like watching a ping pong ball let loose in a room, bouncing, always moving. have often wondered if i had a touch of add.

i'm on an ms forum for kurmudgeons, no unicorns nor rainbows! i refer to my husband's girlfriend as a 'buddy' so as not to ruffle feathers while talking about relationship issues which apply to many of us. some of the kurmudgeons know of my open marriage, i just don't want it to cloud other issues. term buddy works well. back in my 20s, i could easily have been poly, but now asexual.

yeah, my husband has had a close gf for 2 years now. we've met but didn't hit it off. back in my 20s i experimented sexually, but now i class myself as asexual. really no interest.
but many issues of this other woman/person in my husband's life will rear an ugly head, so i come here looking for ways to cope. my imagery is i lightly hold a bird. but it must be set free if i want to watch it fly, or sing, or eat, or bathe. if i hold the bird too tightly, the bird wil surely die.
yeah, romanticized visual. but if i hold to that image & the values it can represent, then i'm ok. if i listen to 'western/christian/monogamous' values, then i become diiscomforted. i prefer the comforting values associated w letting the bird fly; i am confident it will return to me. but at times a discomfort rises & makes me feel ugly inside... hence my visits here & to the ms kurmudgeon sight.

anyway, just wanted to say hi: artist to artist, writer to writer, mser to mser, comforting wife of dh with gf to comforting wife of dh with gf, etc etc etc

 

[Sassywatch]

Hi, Beka! Your bird analogy is a good way to put it. If you hold on too tight, then you lose everything. I found that applies to MS as well.

I've found it interesting how others have reacted to Succubus, Wendigo, and I becoming poly. One friend had been talking about how she just wishes that her husband would get a girlfriend and I had expressed the same. Months later, after Succubus came into our lives, I told the friend that Wendigo has a girlfriend and my friend was shocked and horrified. I was mostly confused. She doesn't talk to me anymore.

Succubus told her parents and they can't understand how I would be consenting. They have decided that Succubus is having an affair and anytime they watch a movie where an affair goes wrong they use it as an example as to why what Succubus is doing is wrong. How could I not figure out what is going on?

The first night that Succubus stayed over, both her and Wendigo were nervous and acting funny. I found it funny because I had no problems because Wendigo and I had already discussed sleeping arrangements. He would sleep downstairs with her so my toddler could hop into bed with me in the morning. Bedtime rolled around and Succubus gave an awkward goodnight and went downstairs. I said goodnight to Wendigo and headed to the bathroom. I was taking my time and when I came out, Wendigo was hovering around the kitchen. He asked me if I wanted him to come back upstairs "after". I said, "No! She drove all the way here. Get downstairs and be nice to her". He behaved himself and early the next morning, Succubus said that she was just going to head on home. He said that she didn't have to run off and made her breakfast.

But I don't think anything is going on. He's just tucking her in. Lol.

During hunting season we had a house full of hunters and Succubus was coming over. Because of the lack of beds, Succubus would be sleeping in my room. Succubus and Wendigo kept asking "What do we tell them?". I said, "Nothing. We don't explain to them our relationship why should we explain this? And this is my home". Most of the hunters have been with us for two to three seasons and are friends with Wendigo. We did have two of my step-sons there. One of them asked where Succubus was sleeping. That was a bit of a shock. I didn't think they were paying attention. Succubus said, "With Sassywatch and Wendigo is sleeping on the floor". I don't like lying but I'll go with that. Some of the hunters were sleeping in the living room. I'm going to name them Kevin and Bob, like the minions. Mostly because Bob is a sweetheart and very innocent. Kevin pipes up shortly after we all go to sleep, "Do you think they are...?" at which point Bob finally clues in "Oooh!". All the hunters are very respectful with me and I haven't started joking around with them yet. After I left, they did ask Wendigo and Succubus what was going on. Which was interesting because it turns out that Bob lives in a community where there are openly poly people so he was the most ok with it.

My favorite part of that weekend, besides finding out how comfortable it is having Succubus sleeping in my room, happened the first morning after she came over. Footie, likes to crawl into bed with me and watch my phone which is great because it is usually 5:00 in the morning and I like sleep. That morning was no different. Footie climbed in and I was trying to curl around him, the dog, and Wendigo who was cuddling Succubus. I said, "I think we need a bigger bed." and Footie pipes up with a, "Yeah, I know."

The only ones that I had issues with telling were my stepsons. They are tweens to teens and I was concerned that they wouldn't understand. I didn't like having to lie to them and I didn't like treating Succubus like a dirty secret. But the thought of telling them made me super uncomfortable. What won me over is that I didn't want them to think that their father was having an affair and have that change how they see him. So we told them together. They were uncomfortable. We were uncomfortable. Footie mostly just wanted cookies so there were cookies for all. They were confused about what it meant for my relationship with their father if Succubus was now his girlfriend. Succubus ended up explaining it very well. She said that it was like having two best friends. They seem to be taking it well and joke around with Succubus when she is here. Their mother didn't take it so well. She decided that it was inappropriate to tell them and that it might make them treat women disrespectfully. Honestly, that was my first reaction too. Like if they thought that all relationships should be like that then it could go wrong. But I figure that they will be able to see this relationship play out and I'm hoping it will show them some useful skills and, hopefully, model some positive relationship stuff.

For my birthday, I stayed with Succubus. She took me shopping and introduced me to one of her friends. She introduced me as her boyfriend's wife. At which point, I took the opportunity to give the dorkiest smile and wave that I could muster. Good times. Then I got to go out for breakfast with my twin, her partner, and meet the couple they are dating. It was awesome! I've never seen my sister so happy. Afterwords, Succubus surprised me by taking me out to get a massage. Succubus likes turtles and elephants so when I got home I painted her a picture of a sea turtle to say thanks for the wonderful weekend. I really do enjoy my relationship with her and, after reading some of the horror stories on here about bad relationships, I feel very lucky. And have the urge to hide her, and the people writing about the bad relationships, away from all the mean people. But then there could be misunderstandings about me kidnapping people and it might look like I'm starting a cult. And who's got time for that and I get "peopled out" easy.

 

[Maria258]

I think nothing is going on between them.

 

[Sassywatch]

When your wife says yes and your girlfriend says no.

I talked with my sister about how I felt sitting in the back of the van. She said that if you are in a relationship to fill a role then anyone can fill it. If what you bring to a relationship is yourself, then you can't be replaced. I should start an after school special on polyamory. Or a line of Hallmark cards.

I've been pleasantly busy with kids, playwriting, and sorting my depression issues. Melatonin may be natural but it still caused me problems depression wise and I had a breakdown at the end of January. I also lost ten pounds. Stopped the melatonin and gained it all back. Since I got on the anti-depressant I have been having weight issues. I'm pretty sure now that it's the anti-depressant. I've changed it out and I'm feeling much better and have more energy as well.

I'm fixing up my first play for a group read that is going to happen this week. And I started another play that I'm so excited about. I'm obsessed. Whoever my muse is, she is the wake me up in the middle of the night until I write everything down type. I put play 2 on hold until play 1 was sorted but play 3 is basically writing itself. And the group read on play 1 may lead to it being performed within the next two years. Which kind of makes me what to dance for joy and throw up at the same time.

Polyamory wise, I think the honeymoon is over. It's like the number of people in the relationship negatively correlates with the length of the honeymoon. More people = shorter honeymoon period. Has anyone else found this?

We have been dealing with three weeks of drama. The best thing that has come out of this is that I am more defined in what I want out of polyamory. Mostly how important an emotional connection is for me. I've also learned how to help others manage their jealousy. But that's getting old fast.

The gist of what is happening is that Wendigo mentioned that he found someone that he is interested in starting a "friend with benefits" relationship. Succubus said no, freaked out, and threatened to end the relationship. I was sitting on the fence about it and said that it was a "no" for me until it was a yes from Succubus. Then I found out who the new friend was, and I really like her. And she is affectionate with me in a way that Succubus isn't. Succubus' issue with the FWB is that Wendigo has an emotional attachment to this other person. She would be fine if there was no emotion involved. That's where she looses me.

A big important part of Polyamory for me is connecting with other people. Wendigo being able to have relationships with people that he connects to is as important to me. I like meeting the people that he likes because this is a person that he sees something good in. That's worth a look for me. With Polyamory for me, emotional connections are kind of the point or we would be Swinging.

Succubus has hopped off of her hard "No" but doesn't want to know anything about the FWB. Wendigo, Succubus, and I went to theater stuff all weekend. Cast party and tear down for a play that Wendigo was involved in. I've been involved in this stuff since I was twelve and explained to Succubus that we have all known each other for a while and are very affection with each other. We have a lot of fun. She said she would be ok but was very jealous all weekend. I ended up managing her so Wendigo could have fun. It's his cast party and it's important. Then I managed Wendigo and another cast member that Succubus was jealous of. It was exhausting and irritating and carried into the next week. It all seemed to be resolved but new drama started up this weekend and I finally stepped back and told Wendigo that she is his girlfriend and I've reached my limit. He can deal with her.

She wasn't going to be coming up this weekend but she asked and it's Easter so I said yes. But then she was mad because Wendigo was at work more than she expected and his time was divided between that and kids. Her needs weren't being met because he's exhausted. So I think we assumed that she would understand that this weekend wouldn't be about her. I think we need to start being stricter about scheduling.

I want everyone to be happy and happy for each other. I know that it is ego driving my frustration. I feel like if everyone relaxed and did what I wanted then we would all be happy. It doesn't leave room for people in the relationship. I enjoy helping and I'm glad that Wendigo respects me when I say I can't fill this role of counselor and mediator right now. For the most part, Succubus just needs some time to process her emotions. And Wendigo and I have to better manage our own relationship. Mostly in the sense that I like having her around and have a hard time saying no when she wants to be here. I love when she is at my home and the kids love her. But she ends up dominating our time and doesn't leave room for Wendigo's and my relationship. I think scheduling our time will help resolve that.

Right now, I'm watching my sister's quad fall apart because of the selfishness and inconsiderate behavior of one member and it's heartbreaking. So overall, I am still happy with polyamory, Wendigo, and Succubus. Our problems are manageable and my sister's quad puts that in perspective. I had to put a hard "No" on the FWB because her husband is not consenting or even aware. Cheating or helping someone cheat on another person is a hard "No" for me. Giant big red flag on the field. No play till it is resolved.