Loving without Fear: Cleo's path

My date with BGuy was awesome. :)
He is a very special guy. Soooo smart, very considerate, polite, careful, literate, a great conversationalist. And the sex is pretty hot :) Ah I can't stop smiling just remembering it.
We had a nice email exchange the next day where we were more explicit than before about what we want from each other and how we would like to proceed with this 'relationship' (we both hesitate to call it this but I guess even a FWB type of connection is a relationship of sorts). We seem to be on the same page... and I'm happy about it. We'll probably see each other again in a couple of weeks, for great talks and laughs and oh did I mention the hot sex ? :D

I still have the house to myself and tonight MrBrown is coming over. He just texted me what he wants me to prepare - rope, tape, candles, blindfolds, and that he wants me to send him a picture of where I put the stuff so he can easily find it when he's at my house. This request just sent shivers down my spine and gave me butterflies. Very excited, and a little nervous, about what this night will bring.

Just thought I'd post some good poly related stuff for a change !
 
The defining characteristic for which "type" of relationship style you are most suited for seems to boil down to one trait (with two applications). So I would focus less on which relationship type you fall into and more on your personal approach to relating with your partner.
1. Authority and Responsibility: do you believe that you have authority over and responsibility for your own time/feelings/body? Do you believe that your partner has any "duties" related to tending to your emotional state? Do you expect that they should maintain partial ownership of you?

2. Authority and Responsibility: do you believe that you have any authority or responsibility over your partners time/feelings/body? Do you have any say in what they do with their time/emotions/body? Do you expect to maintain partial ownership of them?
In the end, this is the building block of how you are going to relate to your partners. This is the one trait that keeps popping up on these boards and in the relationships around me, and in my own previous relationships.

If, like me, you claim total ownership of your own time/feelings/body and claim no ownership of your partners time/feelings/body then you are polyamorous by default. More precisely you would fall into a relationship anarchist or independent poly type.

At the far other end where a person claims a great deal of authority over their partners time/feelings/body and expect this interdependence from their partner as well... that would be what I would call a kind of tyrannical monogamy or hell on Earth. The other styles fall somewhere in between, but the classification of your relationship style is far less important than understanding fundamentally how you relate to your romantic partner.

Just wanted to copy paste this post by Marcus here for future reference. Something I've been thinking a LOT about lately.

********
 
Hello, Universe.
Do you think you could stop throwing life lessons at me for a bit?
I mean, I get it, I really do.. I have a lot to learn. But please, a little time to breathe before the next round, would be very nice.

Things have been ... I don't know what to say.

First of all, my dad is still very sick, and I'm having a difficult time dealing with it and the whole family situation. It's causing me a lot of stress and anxiety.

Besides that, I had a health scare of my own - don't want to go into specifics, but it basically meant waiting for life-or-death test results for over a week. I'm fine! BUT - it was a pretty horrible week.

To top it all off, C and I broke up.

He came to my city for a long weekend, to stay at the place I was housesitting. I could write a really long story about all that happened and how it made me feel and what it made me realize - but I'll keep it short and just say I finally got him to admit that his feelings for me have changed since he became involved with Molly, and that he does not desire me anymore, and that he has felt like this on and off for some time now, and that he is probably not able to have two 'full' relationships, and that he made the decision to have this relationship with her and not me.

I have lots of mixed feelings. In a way I am relieved to know that all my anxieties and insecurities were not the result of my crazy mind, but that I was actually tapping into HIS doubts and that I was feeling the very real threat. That his reassuring me was basically him reassuring himself.

I was very very sad also and very mad, as well. But while I could not hide the sadness I managed to not give in to being mad.

He said that having a loving friendship without sex would be a relationship for him - I said that it isn't all about the sex, that it has to do with the fact that he became more and more integrated in my life and I had none of the same in his.

I said that while I did not blame him for the fact that his feelings had changed, I did blame for the fact that he had not been honest with himself about it and therefore had not been honest with me. He said things aren't that clear cut and he did not know for sure for a long time (I think that is bull shit - but again, managed not to say so).

So many things I did not say.

My only slip was a sarcastic 'I hope the 2 of you will be very happy together'.

I just felt so stupid... How I kept giving him my love,, inviting him into my life, while he has been withdrawing from me for months - all the while still telling me he loved me and that nothing had changed.

He just left.

I think it's very possible that we'll never see each other again.
We agreed to no contact for a month. I don't think that will be hard, because I really feel I have nothing left to say to him.

I know this is for the best - the relationship with him has been causing me so much worry over the past months. It was more worry than pleasure, really. Especially when the physical part was no longer a language through which we communicated. But - I love him, and he has been such an important part of my life for a year and a half.

It hurts. A lot.
 
Oh Cleo, I'm so sorry to hear about the break-up and the health concerns. :( I'm sure it is in a way a relief to know that it wasn't all in your head, that C actually had doubts for quite a long time. I'm glad the worrying is over now though. Hang in there! *hugs*
 
I am sorry you're hurting right now, Cleo. I just sent you a PM, but wanted to say here that you really shouldn't let yourself feel stupid about it. There is nothing wrong with loving someone, and all you had to go on was the info you were given. At some point you will be able to look back at it and appreciate it without such pain. In the mean time, I am sending you hugs.
 
Cleo, I'm sorry you're (understandably) hurting so much! I hope that you will find some comfort in finally having some clarity about the situation and from the loss of the anxiety, even though that cannot take away the hurt.

And NYC has a point that you did the best you could with the info you had. You could have not believed him, given in to your doubts, but I'm not sure that you would have ended up in a better place, either in the relationship or afterwards.

Thank goodness your health turned out ok, and I'm sorry about your dad as well. I lost my dad a few years ago after almost 2 years of illness, so I can easily imagine how stressful your situation may be for you.

And I hope you're able to be supported by some of the other people in your life. Not that I'm saying AT ALL that they are replacements or anything like that, just that for me knowing that others still care provides some comfort in the face of loss.

Hugs.
 
Thanks, all, for your kind words.

I had good talks with both Ren and MrBrown today. It made me realize a couple of things:

What I am grieving is not so much the way the relationship was the last couple of months - because it's been going downhill for some time. What I'm grieving is most of all my poly ideal, the one that was kindled in December when C stayed at my house for the first time while Ren was also there, after meeting a lot of my friends, and the day before I told my parents about him. That ideal of integrating him more and more into my life... I was just too idealistic, or gullible, or whatever, to realize that all the time I was drawing him in, he was actually pulling away.

BUT I was just looking at some photos (yeah I know should not be doing that) and they made me very sad. We did have something good, while it was good.

I kind of sort of but not really broke the 30 days of no communication rule (I told him when he left this morning we should not communicate for 30 days)
I have a blog, on which I write about a specific subject but will often also write about life events. I wrote a post about C today.. his name is not there, and you would have to know a lot about my life to be able to know it's about him. But he subscribes to my blog so unless he decides not to read, he will read my account (in poetic and rather cryptic language) of the break up.

But hey, I'm a writer, this is what I do, I write about things that happen to me.


MrBrown visited me this afternoon. A good talk, and some lovely sex. It's definitely a benefit of poly that breaking up with someone, doesn't have to mean you become lonely and sex deprived :)
I do love him so, my MrBrown. Just like Ren, he sees me as I am, he sees right through to my core, and he believes in me even if the core gets clouded by my fears and anxieties. This is a good thing to remember, because despite the love I felt for C., I never got THAT feeling from him - that he truly loved me just the way I am.
 
Thinking, processing.

It is so strange that a couple of months ago, the thought of losing C threw me into a complete panic. I obsessed about it, cried about it. I could not bear the thought of the emptiness and loneliness I would feel if he would be gone from my life.

Now he IS gone, and there is emptiness, but it doesn't feel black or horrible. I would say it feels like a big, slightly melancholy space, that is not suffocating at all, but a space where I can breathe and think and be myself.

I think this says a lot about the way our relationship was the past couple of months. But it also scares me a little - is it normal to be this calm about it? It's not that I am not sad, it's that I am not as sad or hurt as I thought I would be.

MrBrown said that I've been saying goodbye for months. This is true. I also feel that I realized a very important thing in the last conversation with C. I can handle a lot of things - I'm willing to do a lot of work, make a lot of compromises, shift, settle, negotiate. But when someone says "I'm not interested in you sexually anymore" that seems to be a deal breaker.

This kind of surprised me also, because I always thought that if the sex would go we could still be close and intimate friends. But I guess that is not possible if one person wants the sex (and I wanted it terribly - he turned me on, so much, he only had to touch me or I wanted him) and the person doesn't. And it's also not possible when one person hided this change in feelings for months, I do regard this as a breach of trust. He said "But I did not know for sure" and I said "Then you should have told me your doubts and that you did not know for sure, instead of reassuring me your feelings had NOT changed."

Things I've learned and that I want to remind myself of here, for future reference:

I will never get involved with someone again who is scared to let me meet his other partner(s) or who has a partner who is not willing to meet me. By this I really do mean 'willing'. I don't have to meet them , but I have to know that there is a willingness. I did not meet MrBrowns GF until after more than a year, but I knew there was willingness.

If I meet someone who is single and poly, I will have the 'metamour conversation' right in the beginning (never had it with C).

And hopefully, this has taught me something about learning to trust my gut feelings more. The tightness in my chest, the nervousness and anxiety - they are NOT part of a healthy and happy relationship, and I hope to be able to recognize these red flags sooner, the next time.
 
Things are actually... good.

I feel free. It's like I can breathe again. It's almost scary how little sadness there is. It makes me think I've let things go way way too far. I hope I will be more in tune with my feelings next time. And know when to leave a situation that isn't good for me. Well, I'll just look at this as a relationship that has brought me much joy for about a year, and became a major learning experience for the last 6 months of it.

Date with BGuy lined up for next week. And am going away for a romantic weekend with Ren. Things with MrBrown are really good. And I've been chatting on OKCupid wth a guy with whom I'm a 99% match. (I'm not even a 99% match with Ren!) We've been talking for a while, but since the break up with C it's become more frequent. So far it's not flirty, just friendly, but I do worry a little that I am pursuing this as some sort of rebound thing. I do like the attention.... but I should be honest with myself and him. Also, it's probably too soon to step into something new... shouldn't I grieve for C some more? On the other hand, I feel strong and free, and want to feel open to all possibillities.

we'll see....

Funny story. I was visiting with family and one of my uncles told a story that he read about a guy with 5 kids and 5 fosterkids. He said: you know they say if you divide love, it multiplies!
I just could not resist and said, Oh, and how many wives did he have?
There was utter silence.. that side of my family is very religious. I saw my mother flinch a little, I guess she was scared I would share my 'secret':D
 
Last edited:
Well I guess it had to come back and bite me. Maybe I was too optimistic last week. This week is definitely not off to a very good start.

I had a date with BGuy last night, and while the talks were great and the sex was amazing, I still left feeling a little sad. I think because I realized that this is what it is and it's never going to be anything else, and while I don't want anything else with him, I DO want that other thing with someone. Being part of each others lives, sharing details. I had or thought I had it with C in the beginning, and while I am feeling good about the decision I made, knowing I could never have it with him the way I wanted to.... I am so very sad today.
It makes me think is it impossible? Do I want something impossible? And that's a very depressing thought.

Had a phone conversation with MrBrown who says I should just feel the emptiness and that it isn't worse than I how felt the last months with C.. which is true, but doesn't help with the fear that this ideal of mine is unattainable.

Where I felt open and free last week, I know feel closed off and hurt. But maybe this is what it should be, it did seem strange to me that I felt so little grief after loving someone for 18 months.
 
I was feeling very disconnected from MrBrown for a couple of days. I realized that some of that comes from the fact that I am experiencing some sort of withdrawal from the C drama. Even though things weren't a lot of fun recently, we communicated so much, that with that connection gone, my life has become much more quiet. I know MrBrown is not going to fill that void, but subconsciously, I want him to.

This weekend I received an email invitation for a party he and his GF are throwing end of the summer. Its some sort of combined birthday party, but the invite has a picture of the two of them, a beautiful pic of them in a loving embrace, and it's very clear that it is THEIR party. My very first reaction was joy about being invited, and then I started to freak out, what would my position at this party be, was I 'just' a guest like all others, while I feel myself to be his partner as well? I could not get myself to the place where I could be grateful for being invited, I was so stuck in the place where I worried about going and feeling awkward and not being seen (my major issue with C - and a major trigger for most of my anxiety issues).

I tried to connect with him but he wasn't online much, did not repsond to messages, and panic set in.

But last night he contacted me and we had our first Skype date (it was actually my first Skype date ever!) and it was great. We talked about the party, my issues with it, and I was open , and he was listening, and reassured me, and I felt so much better.
We ended a couple of hours talk with some nice webcam sex (another first) and I never knew that could be so much fun! I'm still glowing from it, and feel like we had a 'real' date.

I must be careful to not let my sadness over the break up spill over into causing abandonment issues in my other relationships. The ones I have are pretty amazing, and I want to enjoy them and be grateful for them.
 
Cleo said:
I must be careful to not let my sadness over the break up spill over into causing abandonment issues in my other relationships. The ones I have are pretty amazing, and I wat to enjoy them and be grateful for them.
Click to expand...

Oh, this is a great realization to have!

When I still so very stuck in the muck and mire of feeling devastated and abandoned by my husband after he left me, I started seeing Shorty. There would be times when I would just start crying while he was fucking me. He would stop and say, "Are you all right? Did I hurt you?" and I'd tell him, "Don't mind me, just keep going." Hahaha, how odd I must've seemed. But I knew all this emotion was just going to come out & I didn't think I could control it.

I didn't see until I read your post just now that I was really overlaying all my abandonment issues on him. I had already realized that I really wasn't ready to be in a relationship at the time, but I hadn't exactly looked at it this way before. When he broke up with me after a few months, stating that I wanted more out of the relationship than he did, and basically that I was too needy and clingy. I had let all my feelings of fucked-upness and abandonment color too many of my interactions and expectations of him. But it's a familiar mechanism with me, too, because I have abandonment issues in general, over my father abandoning my mother and our family when I was very young, so it is a pattern of mine I need to always watch out for.
 
Another thing that I must be careful to not let spill over into other / new reationships, is the fact that I had a very close, 'domestic' relationship with C and I miss not having that. Well I have it with Ren of course but it was such a new adventure for me to share this with someone else as well (something I never even thought I would be interested in, but it all flowed so naturally with him). Being in his house, cooking, feeling at home there, having his key in my bag at all times, sometimes I spent a day alone in his house, writing, while he was at work.

I noticed that I am reaching out to MrBrown more to plan dates and stuff, and this is not our / his style, and it upsets me when its not happening, and then I realize I don't really WANT the 'domesticness' with him. I just miss that part of my relationship with C.

I also want to make sure I approach new people with an open mind and not with a set expectation of what a new connection should look like.

New People: not giving hem names yet, but!
I have a date planned with 99%guy for next week. We are having a nce email exchange, he's cute, smart. I think it's possible he is a little too inexperienced in poly for me.. I am really not looking forward to another guy testing this out with me. But, we'll see, I'm very interested to meet him in person.

I also contacted a guy from OKCupid I'd been corresponding with last fall. I think we tried to plan a date, but somehow schedules did not match, and then the conversation sort of fizzled out, and then he dissappeared from OKC. But I recently saw his picture again and was reminded of the nice email exchange we had. He responded immediately and we have a date for next week.

I also contacted the guy I had my first one on one date with 3 years ago. After Ren and I had tried swinging for a bit (and found that that wasn't really what we were after) we met this couple online, and had one date the 4 of us. After that we weren't really dating as a couple anymore, but I did have one more date with just the guy. But this was so soon into our poly explorations, we really weren't ready. I cringe a little when I think of it... Ren was quite jealous, and I had a time frame of about 2 hours alone with this guy, and then Ren came home, guy and me had just rolled out of bed, and Ren had been in a bar with the GF of the guy... and they both came home, and then the 4 of us had a glass of wine, and it was one of the most AWKWARD situations ever. :eek:

He popped into my head the other day because he was actually the first person to mention the word poly to me and I was writing about how my introduction to poly had started off. I found his number still stored in my phone, sent him a text message, (hoping that was still his number!) he replied that he's on vacation now but will get back to me when he's back, and that he's looking forward to exchanging stories. I am aware of the fact how dangerous it can be to rekindle something from the past. So I am trying to have no expectations about this. :) he's a great guy though, and any connection we could form (even just one night of sharing experiences) would be lovely.

So, busy.
But I also have a lot of extra time now that I'm no longer travelling to see C all the time. It will save me a bunch of money, too (which I can now spend in bars going on first dates haha)
 
Last edited:
I emailed MrBrown a couple of possible days for a date and he replied he doesn't want to schedule anything right now. It makes me anxious and sad, because this could mean I won't see him for a very long time - he doesn't want to plan in the next 2 weeks, then he's going away for 2 weeks, and then I am going away for 3 weeks.

I know he's picking up on my abandonment issues and insecurities. I recently read the relationship anarchy pamphlet that Marcus links to in his sig, and that's my MrBrown, to the last dot. He is completely independent and will only do things because he wants them to. He will never placate me or say stuff I want him to tell me. And I love him for it, and our relationship is special, and the D/s dynamic is in place here too - he call the shots. I do believe in his love, it's just really hard at the moment to not feel vulnerable, to not ask him for reassurance (which would only backfire - so I don't).

I've ben spending a lot of time by myself lately, and am reaching out to friends. I KNOW that I have to work on my relationship with myself first and foremost.

But it seems like I feel more sadness about C being gone from my life as time passes. The freedom and feeling liberated high I was on the first week has definitely worn off. I dream about him every night. And feel like crying at least twice a day :(
 
I do have the best friends, I am so lucky. I was talking to a dear friend, who is mono, but very interested in me and my life. She also happens to be the person who cuts my hair :)
I was talking about my break up with C, issues with MrBrown, and feeling down. She said: You need some fun! You just need a nice date or something with someone who's interested in you.
I would never have told her about the dates I have lined up, I always feel a bit weird about talking about that to monogamous friends. But now I answered.. well, yes, I do actually have a date in a couple of days..
And she said: But then I have to do your hair right now! You have to look awesome for that!

I still amazes me when my friends who live very different lives are open minded enough to think with me and for me about my life.

So she cut my hair and I do look better :)
And yes I'm ready for some nice attention from a nice someone.
 
Quoting Marcus, from another thread

Cleo said:
The defining characteristic for which "type" of relationship style you are most suited for seems to boil down to one trait (with two applications). So I would focus less on which relationship type you fall into and more on your personal approach to relating with your partner.
1. Authority and Responsibility: do you believe that you have authority over and responsibility for your own time/feelings/body? Do you believe that your partner has any "duties" related to tending to your emotional state? Do you expect that they should maintain partial ownership of you?

2. Authority and Responsibility: do you believe that you have any authority or responsibility over your partners time/feelings/body? Do you have any say in what they do with their time/emotions/body? Do you expect to maintain partial ownership of them?
In the end, this is the building block of how you are going to relate to your partners. This is the one trait that keeps popping up on these boards and in the relationships around me, and in my own previous relationships.

If, like me, you claim total ownership of your own time/feelings/body and claim no ownership of your partners time/feelings/body then you are polyamorous by default. More precisely you would fall into a relationship anarchist or independent poly type.

At the far other end where a person claims a great deal of authority over their partners time/feelings/body and expect this interdependence from their partner as well... that would be what I would call a kind of tyrannical monogamy or hell on Earth. The other styles fall somewhere in between, but the classification of your relationship style is far less important than understanding fundamentally how you relate to your romantic partner.

********
Click to expand...

Been thinking a lot about this lately and how it relates to family relationships. I'm having some issues with my parents lately. We've never been close, they've never supported me, we have no emotional connection, basically they've let me figure things out for myself and the only 2 things they ever really taught me was to a) be afraid of everything (just like them) and b) if things get rough, pretend everything is ok.

I managed a pretty distant relationship with them , where on the surface we pretended we were ok, but not having much contact (sometimes I would not call my mom for more than 2 weeks).

Now, my dad is in hospital and quite sick, and they expect me to 'be there for them' (they literally said: we never expected much from you but we always thought that in crisis, you would step up)

I don't even know what the 'stepping up' means. Sit at that bed and talking small talk, just like we always did? They don't talk about emotions. They never have and they are not learning this skill now. I don't want to 'be there'. They've never 'been there' for me.

Of course part of me feels guilty, a feeling that's triggered by lots of people not understanding why I am so 'cold' about my dad's illness.
I guess I feel that this is a relationship like any other, where both parties should put in the same effort to build something good. I guess it's the cultural norm that family relationships are different - you are supposed to love your family no matter what, blood is thicker bla bla bla. And it is that norm that is feeding my guilt.

Anyway, I know it's not very poly related, although in a way it is. Poly relationships have taught me so much about being independant and autonomous, and I guess this is spilling over into my family relationships, where I find it harder and harder to just go through the motions and pretend.

Was just wondering if other people have experienced something similar?
 
Last edited:
Cleo said:
blood is thicker bla bla bla. And it is that norm that is feeding my guilt.
Click to expand...

This made me chuckle.

My brother has called me "cold" before. That classification always makes me think of the movie State of Grace. Long story short, the brother is emotionally bullying the sister and she finally tells him that she's not having any of it. He tells her she's "so cold" and she responds "Cold is what we call people when they won't do what we want them to anymore"... love it.

I find that I have given my family (my brother in particular) a great deal more leeway than I have other people. I guess it's the fact that he and I grew up together. The problem comes in when this distant sense of childhood connection brings me to feel like I "owe" him something. To him I'm always "so cold" but I feel like I'm just giving him the respect he is due (not much).

In the end, guilt and duty are horrible reasons to take action when it comes to personal relationships. We should take action because we want to, because it feels good to do so, not because we will feel guilty if we don't or we will be judged by someone for saying "No, I'm not going to do that".

Family is tough and I don't think your confusion is unreasonable.
 
Marcus said:
He tells her she's "so cold" and she responds "Cold is what we call people when they won't do what we want them to anymore"... love it.
Click to expand...

Ha, that's a good one! Very true in all sorts of relationships.


I think my problem is with the 'do things because it feels good to do so'...
I feel like a bad person because being a loving, caring daughter to my parents, doesn't make me feel good, but makes me want to run, scream, and drink a lot of wine instead :)

I've been in touch with MrBrown whose life's philosophy is very much the same as yours Marcus (in fact numerous times I've thought you must be one and the same person, if it weren't for your pic, your description of your partners, and the fact that MrBrown doesn't speak very good english :) )

He says I should write down what I want, without thinking of the other voices. I need to make a choice and follow through, instead of doing what is basically what my parents taught me - muddle through and hope the bad things will go away by itself.

I know that's what I need to do. But it's hard.
 
Cleo said:
Was just wondering if other people have experienced something similar?
Click to expand...

Similar-ish possibly. I come from a family of very different and very independent people. My bro works in dangerous areas of the world and likes to fill his time with travel and danger and hard work. My sis has lots of children, lives with her partner and believes that marriage is the proper way to live. I remain militantly unmarried and childless, live on my own, work part time and study for fun.

Our mother is terribly unemotional. She has never told any of us that she loves us (although she does very much so - she just can't say it) and she shows massive favouritism toward our brother (although she denies that if we ever point it out to her). My sis and I maintain relationships with her, care for her and mostly talk small talk with her because that's what she can do.

Our dad died last year after a long, horrible battle with dementia. Mum cared for him at home for most of the time (we have no idea how she coped) until eventually social services stepped in, took him into a home where he quickly contracted pneumonia - he died after 2 weeks of dehydration and starvation.

While dad was at home, we did what we could to help. My sis lives nearby and she would sit with dad when she could. I would ring mum daily to check how she was and to hear the daily litany of all the inappropriate places dad had peed. My brother would stay with mum during his holidays.

Mum didn't nag any of us to do more and we didn't nag each other. We all did what we could. There was no pleasure in this for any of us - it was a horrible, stressful, nightmare few years and during it, there was very little support available for any of us from the family (understandably - my mum was at the end of her rope and not capable of offering help or support to anybody).

One of my dogs died after a long, horrid illness and when I told my mum that she was dying, mum told me not to expect any support and that she hoped I'd be okay. I have some very good friends who did help and support me so I was fine. I finished a degree and graduated during that time too - I went to the ceremony on my own and received hugs and congratulations from the friends I'd made on the course. (I did and do sometimes struggle with the lack of help and support from mum but I understand why it happened and so I don't resent her for it. I'm just glad that I have a good support network around me and was able to cope).

Then dad got ill and we all spent two weeks mostly sitting in hospital watching him die. We talked small talk - my bro and sis are like mum and don't do emotions. I got emotional support from my friends and my SO.

We didn't turn up and offer our support because it made us feel warm and fuzzy. Watching a loved one starve to death over a period of weeks isn't going to make many people feel warm and fuzzy - it's brutal - the stuff of nightmares. Nor did we do it out of obligation or to avoid guilt. We all did it because people we care about needed help and support and we are all lucky enough to be physically, mentally and emotionally solid enough to provide those things.

I hope that you are okay - even when we don't get along with our families, it seems that it's hard to cut them loose altogether. Take care of yourself and make sure you surround yourself with people who support you as much as you can do.

IP
 
I can relate somewhat; I'm not close at all to my mom and she always wants more than I'm willing to give. It took me a long time to feel comfortable saying no to requests that felt unreasonable. I used to say no but feel guilt or stress about it.

So I definitely think its a good idea to try hard to figure out what you are comfortable with, and what your boundaries are, and try to act in accordance with that rather than out of guilt.

But also try to keep in mind that all of your family may have done the best they could, even if it wasn't very good. Even if the end result was that you were neglected, it is probably (or at least possibly) fair to say that this wasn't their goal, which might make you less inclined to reject them now.

For me, I know it hurts my mom that I'm not close to her, and so even though it's completely reasonably that I'm not close to her, the situation troubles me, because I'd rather not hurt someone unnecessarily. This makes me more inclined to try to do thing for her, not because she's my mom, but simply because she's human. And because I'd rather avoid the possibility that later on, when she's not around, that I will feel regret over how I acted or over how little effort I made. I know I probably won't find the relationship that rewarding of itself, but perhaps I can take some satisfaction from having been kind. And I can try to change the dynamic to something more satisfying, even if it is only the satisfaction that I don't get as upset about it as I used to.

So I don't think you're obligated to your family, and I put no stock in blood is thicker...

And I don't think you should just go through the motions and pretend.

But I do think it's worth thinking about how you may feel later on, or even whether if you reframe the situation it might feel right to do something now - from your own choice, rather than obligation. If nothing else, it's worthwhile to have clarity about what you're willing to do, so you're also comfortable with recognizing the things you're not willing to do.

It may not suit you - I just reread your later comment about how being caring doesn't feel good at all - but maybe it's worth asking a bit why it makes you feel bad, and if it has to.

I don't think I said any of this terribly clearly, but i hope at least some of it makes sense.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top