On to 2020. During the pandemic, Jean went out with Aries, a wife of my friend, Brad. They took a trip to Annapolis. She seemed excited, and had asked me if it okay that she liked her. They had flirted for a long time, and I said it was cool, but I don’t know what any of this would mean for everyone else. Brad and Aries had experience with swinging and polyamory. But Brad tried to just put it to the side, because Aries wasn’t really into having a girlfriend.
Even their swinging experiences were bad, because they’d go on vacations, and Aries would him-and-haw until finally saying, okay let’s do something, and the only available people on short notice were guys. And when they would have an encounter, Aries would sometimes not care about where Brad was as long as she was gettin’ hers. From what I found out later, from Brad, one one of those experiences was so bad, the other guy actually stopped and told Aries, “Maybe we should check on your husband.”
After the trip, Jean told me that she and Aries had sex on their trip. And Aries said she would talk to Brad, because she would be opening up old wounds. Brad gets in contact with me, we all get excited, even though I know I probably won’t play a prominent role in this.
That started in September 2020, and by November 2020, I was struggling. Jean was sharing less. Brad was doing what he could to help me and keep me involved in what we had discussed as a Kitchen-Table-Poly situation. He’s always been a good friend, and still is. And part of that is where the struggling began. I found out that Brad was having his own difficulty, in that Jean was doing a lot of fantasy fulfillment for him (I’ll explain after two paragraphs), and Aries wasn’t.
During that time, I was reading, as much as I could, any and all books about polyamory and jealousy. I actually started to get better.
Brad was actually a good meta. Because we were friends, when he found out that Jean did something for him that she wouldn’t for me, he actually spoke to her about it. I thought that was super nice, considering that relationships differ and she doesn’t have to always do the same thing. But, Brad was always a caring guy.
So, as it turned out, this was the first REAL introduction, for Jean, to the sub/dom dynamic. She really enjoyed it, her being submissive. She had never asked me to do anything of the sort, and I imagine this is something that she would want from someone that naturally feels they want to be a dom to her.
In any case, that is the stuff that Aries couldn’t, or didn’t want to do. And that’s what gave Brad and Jean a strong connection that made the breakup very difficult.
At the end of November, everybody agreed I should join them for a foursome. It was a lot of fun. The next day, Brad, and Jean and I had a threesome, and it was, again, a lot of fun. (Aries was asleep for this, by the way, because she had a history of concussions, and as we’d find out later, Lyme’s Disease.)
After that evening and day, the relationship ended in a few weeks because Aries no longer wanted to continue. Aries said she didn’t like the feeling that she was being replaced. I believe that my entering into this meant that she **felt** like they must have been including me so that Aries would hopefully attach to me while Brad and Jean did whatever they wanted to do.
In either case, things ended, but not before Brad and Jean had sex one more time as, like, a goodbye, I guess. I had to cover for Jean when Aries asked me about that. When Jean told me about her going on a hike with Brad, I knew how it would end, and that it would end back at our house, where would probably have sex, even though Jean feigned that she didn’t know how it would go.
After that ended, Jean took it exceedingly hard. She cried a lot about it. She cried at New Years over it. In the new year (2021), it began to strain our relationship. I couldn’t cheer her up, or get any reaction out of her. She was, at best, just buried in her phone. I would get angry and give short and terse comments that would make us argue. By February, I knew I needed counseling.
Essentially, I went in knowing that I loved Jean, but I not knowing if she loved me. She was clearly unhappy, and in a prolonged sense. I was also unsure if she was committed to me, or unknowingly trying to do a soft break-up with me. Also, sex had decreased by a lot.
My therapist was okay (past tense, I have a new one), and he kept just trying to get me to decouple (good), not worry about her (um, sure), and just have another life (sure, part of decoupling).
Jean and I went on a vacation to the OuterBanks. but nothing changed. We also had Lincoln with us.
Eventually we went to Las Vegas in September 2021, and I asked her if she wanted to do anything ENM, or swinging, and she said yes to swinging. So, I made sure we went to a private club one night. Jean was propositioned to all night. One time in particular, explicitly that I NOT be included. Despite the weirdness, Jean was undeterred, and she had an experience for herself with another man and woman. It was a lot of fun, and really hot.
When we came back, I asked Jean if she’d like to try swinging, and not a relationship. I also said let’s do this together. We agreed to this. We found one couple that we talked to. And then right after that, this current couple, Ricky + Megan. The first couple were okay, and we swapped and had sex with them once, but not again. It just didn’t hit us right. Now while they were the first couple to reach out to us, Ricky and Megan were actually the first couple Jean went to see. I was explicitly not invited. But, I agreed to it because I thought Jean and I would continue to try and have other experiences.
Eventually, I found out that our thing with the first couple was probably going to be it for me, because a week or two prior, me and Jean kind of got the impression that Ricky + Megan, while finding us on a swinger website, weren’t looking for anyone else, and may have been looking to make Jean a girlfriend.
Anyway, I guess I should have said something then, but I didn’t know. And despite our agreement that we were #1 swinging, and #2 doing this together – Jean ended up being in a relationship with Ricky and Megan.
***
I sat Jean down back in April or May 2022, much to chagrin of my now former therapist. I asked Jean, “Listen, we’ve violated a spoken agreement that we did in September 2021. Are you poly? Can we at least put a name to this?” She hemmed and hawed, and started to tear up, and after a minute or two, said yes.
My former therapist hated it when I tried to support Jean, or suggest for her to go see Ricky + Megan when it was clear she wanted to do so. He was also angry at my asking Jean the question of if she identified as poly, just so we could put a name to this, and I could shift the experience from a cheating dynamic to us opening our relationship romantically. I think it was July or August ’22 that I got a new therapist from Better Help, and I distinctly asked for poly experience.
***
I’ve had some breakdowns in the past. Moments of emotional weakness. In April or May of 2022, I told Jean that I was unsure of her feelings for me, even though I was able to have a conversation with her, to get her to admit that she was not just swinging, but in a polyamorous relationship.
She asked me to take a break in the conversation. When I came home afterwards, she said, “I’m not going anywhere, and your mom called me and said she’s not doing well, and we might need to move in with her to take care of her.” Maybe I would have said no if I wasn’t in the emotional state I was in. But we did move in, and that’s where we are now. There was no way my mom would move to where we lived before because of the two-story floorplan.
***
Some more final bits of context. I found out later, like, October 2022, that in February ’22, months before I confronted Jean to say, “Hey, this is more than swinging; can we please talk about this?” that Jean and Ricky had told each other that they loved each other.
Out of context, that’s actually a really great thing. Unfortunately, Megan is unaware of those feelings, and you know what, let me just list the red flags that I saw and tried to warn Jean about.
From Megan:
- No kissing on the lips
- no interactions without Megan
From Ricky:
- One Penis Policy (except for me being with Jean)
Ricky and Jean have had experiences without Megan, or telling Megan, have kissed, and have told that they love each other. In terms of normal polyamory, and if things were not closed by Ricky, it’s nice to see a relationship start. But, there are moments when Jean is upset about the circumstances, and it leaks in a bit into our relationship. I’ve given my advice, but there’s not much more I can do.
****
And that’s where things are. Looking for relationships has been difficult. I shut down my OkCupid account a couple days ago. I had been on there a year, and only got three matches from people who were NOT exceptionally close geographically, and would never message me first, but were polite enough to respond sometimes. (When I’d ask if they had any questions for me, and they would say no, I'd take the hint. I guess that’s a nice way for them to say they weren’t interested.)
At this point, I’m here for the community and looking for some more poly friends.
