Made a mess of things

J

justkeepswimming

New member
I need advice, and to vent. I'm new to being poly. My partner and I went into it with a lot of undeserved hubris, thinking that after 8 years together nothing could possibly go wrong. Forshadowing, right?

I fell hard and fast for 2 new people, while he has had almost no luck. I wasn't supposed to go full bore emotionally, but it happened, and I'm not sure what to do about it. Combined with our financial difficulties, (I'm looking for a job after being out of work a while) and both of us having depression has made things pretty terrible. He resents anything I do that he sees as impacting his life, like using the car for a day, or going out when he suddenly decides he wants to do something. I'm feeling trapped, but don't know what to do about it.

He wants to close the relationship again, but I don't think I can do that. I genuinely love these other people who are part of my life now, and I feel like going back to the way we were will just cause resentment and further trouble. It seems like there are no good options, and I feel stuck. Any advice would be sincerely appreciated.
 
He says neither, but I just don't know. I've worked so hard to keep NRE from being a big problem, and I'm pretty much past that stage, anyway. He was used to having me all to himself for a long time, as I was not working the last few years, and I'm sure that's part of it, but I need to get out and do my own thing and have my own things to be a healthy person. He acknowledges all the ways in which opening up our relationship has helped me, but he still is miserable.



GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle.

Is there any poly hell stuff at play here?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Jealousy?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

Galagirl
Click to expand...
 
He says he's not getting any benefits out of it, it's just causing stress, etc. He's gotten to the point of being really unreasonable about it, but I also feel like I helped cause this situation. I understand he's unhappy, I just don't know what to do about it.

GalaGirl said:
What is he miserable about? Is he able to articulate?

Galagirl
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What benefits was he wanting? What behavior did you do to help cause this situation?

I could be wrong in my guesses. But in case it helps I will take some guesses.

To me this sounds partly about logistics... esp if you guys share a car. It is fair to schedule use of a shared car for now and/or plan to save for another or alternate transportation for long term solution. Or if he needs the car for work and he is the only one earning income that supports you both? You solve your transportation needs another way... Because dating is bonus. Job is a must.

And also partly about availability. He cannot take you or your time for granted any more. He actually has to ask you out on a proper date and get it in the calendar. He can no longer assume that you are available whenever however for him because you share your time with other people. Scheduling date nights with him like Tues and Saturdays might alleviate some of that.

Is this about finances? Because dating costs money. If your dating puts a ding on the household bills, I could see him being miffed if you go out dating and overspending money that could be going towards rent and other basics first. You may have to change how you organize your finances so there is his acct, your acct, and the house acct. Either of you having dates come out of personal accounts only so the house bills are not impacted.

You are not a mind reader. You can tell him you are willing to work on things that stress him out to try to reduce the stress, but he has to make you aware of what those things are. Driving yourself crazy trying to guess from the air... Or taking stabs in the dark... That is not as helpful as him articulating what bugs him in terms of behaviors he wants to change either in him or in you.

If it is that he tried it and found he does not want this? Then you guys could talk about what happens now. Since he wants to close and you do not. Probably part ways as amicably as possible. It would not be fair to ask him to do things against his will. Or ask you to do things against yours.

Galagirl
 
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i am sorry to say that it sounds like he is jealous that your having fun and he isnt.
A relation shoudnt be about benefits, if you partner is being happy, you should be happy that your partner is.
He isnt lucky in "getting any" and now he wants to go back.....
sorry i cant really help you with this, good luck with making up your mind <3
 
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