Managing disappointment from primary relationship.

[Twistyjellybean]

We are still very new to poly, after stumbling upon it. We were originally getting into swinging which is where we met T, and let's just say there was no swing just my husbands heart growing I am so super happy that they have both found each other, that T is joining our family and that they have a deepening love that A and I have never had in our 15years together. However I am still learning to work with my slight disappointment in my relationship with A.

Does it just take time to stop comparing your relationship with your primary partner, with what they have with a new one?

Our communication is amazing so far, and I feel absolutely comfortable discussing this topic with A and T, but thought I could get some been there done that advice from other poly people

 

[bookbug]

Every relationship is different, and while some comparing is normal - the other relationship allows you to see yours from a different perspective - it is important to consciously catalog the positive aspects of your relationship, instead of focusing on the lack.

All of that said, if find what is lacking in your relationship to be of significance ask yourself why it is important in light of the new relationship when it wasn't before. Could it be:

1. You hadn't had much experience before you settled down with your husband and didn't realize certain emotions were possible that are now being demonstrated before you?
2. Maybe what you see lacking in your own relationship really isn't that important to you, but it is to them. That's okay. The two relationships don't have to be the same.
3. If it's important, is it something you and your husband can work to experience in your own relationship?
4. If it is something that is unlikely to develop between you and your husband due to just a difference in personality types, can you not seek it with someone else?

While analyzing and comparing is normal, the bottom line is whether or not you and your husband are satisfied with your relationship. If so, I would not worry about the fact that the other relationship has different characteristics.

 

[Twistyjellybean]

All of that said, if find what is lacking in your relationship to be of significance ask yourself why it is important in light of the new relationship when it wasn't before.

While I am unsure of its importance, the main thing I am aware of is that with A I had this deep emotional connection to him, craved his affection, longed for him when he was gone, throughout our entire lives together and it was not reciprocated, and he explained it to me as 'just not his personality' to be like that. And so I settled for that and reassessed my approach to our relationship. But here in this new relationship he has with T, he has everything I longed for him to have with me. So all I can believe right now is that she is his soul mate. And that is ok.

As for seeking those needs with others, yes I am kind of open to that, and A and T have expressed that they would support me in finding that person, but I don't feel the need to go out and find that because I am rather happy with where we are right now and also don't want to add another dynamic to an already complicated relationship, I guess.

 

[bookbug]

While I am unsure of its importance, the main thing I am aware of is that with A I had this deep emotional connection to him, craved his affection, longed for him when he was gone, throughout our entire lives together and it was not reciprocated, and he explained it to me as 'just not his personality' to be like that. And so I settled for that and reassessed my approach to our relationship. But here in this new relationship he has with T, he has everything I longed for him to have with me. So all I can believe right now is that she is his soul mate. And that is ok.

As for seeking those needs with others, yes I am kind of open to that, and A and T have expressed that they would support me in finding that person, but I don't feel the need to go out and find that because I am rather happy with where we are right now and also don't want to add another dynamic to an already complicated relationship, I guess.

Could be that A has grown and is now able to form a deeper connection - but easier to do because the patterns of the relationship with T have not yet been set.

Maybe she is able to bring aspects of his personality to the surface that he has not experienced before.

Could be NRE, and eventually that deep connection will come to look more like the relationship between you and A

Or quite possibly, because he has the solid relationship with you, it allows him to feel safer being more vulnerable with her. In other words, if it weren't for the solid foundation between you and A, the relationship with T may have never developed like it has. (Actually, my money is on this one due to personal experience.)

 

[Twistyjellybean]

Or quite possibly, because he has the solid relationship with you, it allows him to feel safer being more vulnerable with her. In other words, if it weren't for the solid foundation between you and A, the relationship with T may have never developed like it has. (Actually, my money is on this one due to personal experience.)

I think you make a very good point there. I believe this to be so. And both A and T have told me that if it wasn't for me they wouldn't have each other.

Thank you bookbug Xx