Marriage is Crumbling
- Thread starter Garland
- Start date
AnnabelMore
Active member
Moving her in so quickly was a very, very bad idea, obviously. :/ But I imagine you don't need a run down of all the mistakes made.
I don't get the part about hiding your husband's rages from her to protect her... the NRE will end eventually and sooner or later she'll be forced to face this side of him. Why make her do that blindly?
Both of you need to be honest about what's really going on here, about the mechanics of this cycle. She has a right to know. AND there's no way to break this vicious cycle until it's out in the open. I would suggest that you have a frank talk with your husband, maybe just show him this thread. Tell him how precarious your marriage has become but make it clear that the problem is with you and him... his treatment of you and your reaction... that it's not a jealousy thing. Insist that the THREE of you sit down and work this out and be *honest*. Give her the chance to give her input on how things could be made better... treat this like the triad it's supposed to be.
...as opposed to insisting he pull back from her, as if that will solve the problem, thus becoming these people (see the right side of the flowchart): http://tacit.livejournal.com/295369.html -- He can pull back from the damaging, blinding consequences of NRE and shape up his behavior towards you without pulling back (and possibly losing, b/c how long is she supposed to be ok with waiting, caught between the two of you ?) on his relationship with her. Once everyone sees that, you all can make decisions from a place of love and consideration, rather than fear of loss and defensiveness.
Of course that's assuming he's willing to face up to his bad behavior and control himself. Is he medicated for his BP? Is he in counseling and, if not, will he consider it?
I don't get the part about hiding your husband's rages from her to protect her... the NRE will end eventually and sooner or later she'll be forced to face this side of him. Why make her do that blindly?
Both of you need to be honest about what's really going on here, about the mechanics of this cycle. She has a right to know. AND there's no way to break this vicious cycle until it's out in the open. I would suggest that you have a frank talk with your husband, maybe just show him this thread. Tell him how precarious your marriage has become but make it clear that the problem is with you and him... his treatment of you and your reaction... that it's not a jealousy thing. Insist that the THREE of you sit down and work this out and be *honest*. Give her the chance to give her input on how things could be made better... treat this like the triad it's supposed to be.
...as opposed to insisting he pull back from her, as if that will solve the problem, thus becoming these people (see the right side of the flowchart): http://tacit.livejournal.com/295369.html -- He can pull back from the damaging, blinding consequences of NRE and shape up his behavior towards you without pulling back (and possibly losing, b/c how long is she supposed to be ok with waiting, caught between the two of you ?) on his relationship with her. Once everyone sees that, you all can make decisions from a place of love and consideration, rather than fear of loss and defensiveness.
Of course that's assuming he's willing to face up to his bad behavior and control himself. Is he medicated for his BP? Is he in counseling and, if not, will he consider it?
AnnabelMore
Active member
Good luck!! Getting an outside perspective can be very healthy and helpful... I hope you're able to find a way to get that, if not here then maybe from a real-life poly community.
redpepper
Active member
that's too bad he felt like it need removing. You are anonymous here.... at least you should be. If you used a user name that everyone knows and said where you live, then ya, you wouldn't be.
Great he is open to talking though.