Married and considering Polyland...

[Anonymouse]

Hello all...I'm 40 year old married female looking to be poly.

After much thought, consideration and effort to fix things, my husband and I have acknowledged that sexually we just don't "got it going on." I adore him and he is my best friend. But I think we owe it to ourselves to open the relaionship and consider adding other types of romantic/sexual/friend type relationships to our lives.

Unfortunately he is not willing to really put any energy into seeking a partner for himself. BUT he has agreed that if I make poly friends, he is open to meeting them and being involved with it socially.

I have NO idea how this is going to work-- his reactions to it, and my approach about meeting people. So I'm kind of hoping to gain some advice, support and guidance in this venture from others who know it well.

I do have some experience being poly. I was in a triad 15 years ago. After about a year, my boyfriend and I broke off from our girlfriend and continued to have an open relationship. I enjoyed having an open relationship in some ways, but didn't enjoy it in others. I think if I am poly again, it will be what I make it (not what I let others make it, if that makes sense.)

I'm more mature now and take better care of myself emotionally, and take better care of my relationships in general. I feel ready for this, I really do. Just not sure how to handle approaching it without scaring the beejeezus out of my husband.

Thanks for reading.

 

[hyperskeptic]

Welcome to the forum. I've always found support and insight aplenty here, and hope you may do the same.

I think if I am poly again, it will be what I make it (not what I let others make it, if that makes sense.)

That sounds about right. I suspect you'll save yourself a lot of time and heartache approaching openness with this attitude.

I'm more mature now and take better care of myself emotionally, and take better care of my relationships in general. I feel ready for this, I really do. Just not sure how to handle approaching it without scaring the beejeezus out of my husband.

I would say you're most of the the way there already, just raising the question. Don't rush things; take care of yourself and your relationship; keep your eyes open and your mind active and, of course, communicate a lot.

I have to say, you strike me as just about the least confused newcomer to the forum in quite some time. Your head is in the right place in general; it's just a matter of working out the details.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Anonymouse,
Welcome to our forum.

Sorry I'm such a slow-starter here! I've just finished a harrowing exodus-by-car from Albuquerque to Seattle. Lots of stuff needs catching up on, especially in the intro boards where I am "The Self-Appointed Greeter."

The post from hyperskeptic is really just right anyway. His wisdom is great and has been great in many a thread I've seen, says I.

I wonder if your husband depends on you a lot to help him ferret out and express his feelings -- either that or, are you noticing anything he's doing that would indicate being scared about polyamory. Is it the fact that he's not looking for any extra partners for himself? But could that be because romance itself isn't quite on the top of his chart right now? Libido does tend to come and go, and come and go again, as the years go by. I would suppose that he'll start looking for an additional partner if and when he "cycles back up" and wants some of that action.

Other than that, everything seems to be in order, and it looks like your husband wants to help with this despite any jitters.

Some of the best advice and guidance will be the very advice and guidance you give to others, so try our Poly Relationships Corner and look through some of the threads there. You can start your own threads as needed also, as well as posting on existing threads. I've found that analyzing other people's predicaments has helped to find out how to overcome my own. And you get to know some really great people along the way.

I think things'll work out; just take it one day at a time. Hopefully Polyamory.com can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.