Married or not hinges please read and comment:)

[sunray]

I was hesitating to chime in, despite being the hinge in a V with two partners who are not dating anyone else because I did not open my marriage to poly. We were poly from day one, with members of our extended polycule standing up with us as part of the wedding party. My NP/husband, MonkeyMan, self-identifies as poly but considers his plate full with one relationship, one career, and being a dad. My long distance boyfriend, RacingSnail, identifies as mono... but only because he recognizes that his plate is full with one relationship, similarly. Neither of them needed any ‘convincing’, though RacingSnail and I do periodically trip over some unexamined mono-normativity that one or both of us has absorbed from the dominant culture and have to explicitly challenge. Anyway, fwiw, there’s my 2¢.

 

[FallenAngelina]

For the record, I don't consider myself truly "poly" by orientation, though I concede that might be splitting hairs. I never intentionally set out to live a polyamorous lifestyle, but just happened to fall in love with two people (we were all mutual friends). Our group is a closed V, essentially.

Just commenting for the sake of future readers that "true poly" is nothing more than multiple love relationships with the consent of all concerned. There is no "true poly" litmus test other than honesty of the existence of the relationships among the participants. I mention it because when people Google "Am I truly poly?" or some such soul searching query, they can happen upon discussions like this in which there's an assumption that people who stumbled into poly are not "truly" polyamorous because they didn't identify as such or feel drawn to it their entire lives. Polyamory is polyamory. Some people do feel that it's an orientation and some people feel that it's a choice, but there is no question that the "club" legitimately belongs to all who romantically (and usually sexually) love multiple partners with the knowledge of all concerned. You are poly - nothing truly or untruly about it.

 

[icesong]

I don't want kitchen table poly, I don't want another full blown relationship where I have to actually maintain another husband, I work way too much for that. I think I'd be good with a secondary awesome person who's like my close friend, can meet my husband and not have a pissing contest, I get to get together with occasionally, do stuff and have rough awesome sex. And I think if I found someone in the same boat as myself, married and with a spouse that is open to the poly idea we could be together for years and I'd be good. I've never had flings or casual sex just relationship and intimacy with people I trust and love. Does all that make sense? I guess that's what my poly would look like. I've tried to convince my husband to date, he is not even remotely interested.

So in some ways I sort of have that, except both of my guys are poly and have other partners (who have other partners etc etc. ). I have no desire to live with Artist (some days I don’t even want to live with Knight but that’s another digression). We see each other once a week or so for an evening+night+morning, sometimes at my place, sometimes at his. We have a ridiculous amount of sex and he’s one of the people I’m closest to. It’s worked really well for almost 3 years now (our anniversary is weekend after next). I suppose on some practical levels he’s secondary but emotionally I don’t think that’s the case.

I sort of can’t imagine my husband being chill with this were he mono though.

 

[Nox]

I was hesitating to chime in, despite being the hinge in a V with two partners who are not dating anyone else because I did not open my marriage to poly. We were poly from day one, with members of our extended polycule standing up with us as part of the wedding party. My NP/husband, MonkeyMan, self-identifies as poly but considers his plate full with one relationship, one career, and being a dad. My long distance boyfriend, RacingSnail, identifies as mono... but only because he recognizes that his plate is full with one relationship, similarly. Neither of them needed any ‘convincing’, though RacingSnail and I do periodically trip over some unexamined mono-normativity that one or both of us has absorbed from the dominant culture and have to explicitly challenge. Anyway, fwiw, there’s my 2¢.

FWIW, that's how we are in ours now too. Kay barely has time for me. While she theoretically could add a partner, she's not interested. Txgirl can speak for herself but it's similar, and I haven't even been tempted to flirt in over a year which is a huge change for me.

 

[SlowPoly]

I've seen a good amount of recent posts, or at least people recently commenting on posts, where a longish term marriage or relationship is moving into being polyamorous. Some ended in divorce, others successful...

I count ours as successful, having continued past divorce. Woof (former spouse - married 18 years when divorced, together now for 24) is poly but without other partners. Mitch is probably philosophically poly, but hasn’t bothered to seek. I have kids with both, am “resident” in separate homes with each, fairly equivalently but not identically enmeshed with both.

Happy acceptance, hmm. I gather everyone is fairly content, but also goes through periods of wishing things were simpler. There wasn’t really a need for anyone to adjust — Woof was all-in on whatever kinds of relationships would make each and both of us feel like we were living how we want to. Divorcing made it clear that we weren’t going to let obvious barriers to exit be the reason we were staying together. Mitch got me how I come, understanding I wasn’t gonna leave Woof or become a “normal” wife.

I have chosen not to date people who aren’t content that my life includes and will continue to include Woof and Mitch. If we express mutual interest, then even before the dating, we have that conversation. I suspect I will avoid people with nesting partners, as Dagferi does, but I haven’t in many years had an interest that would test that.