Help all,
I have met somebody who is poly. I have always been mono so far. Before I fully open up to her, and risk heartache, wanted to ask the community a few questions.
I could ask her, but she is always massively pro poly. With lines like: monogamy is the wrong way, people were not made to be monogamous. And: Friends who I tell about polyamory are often jealous.
Personally feel mono, poly, or monk are just lifestyles that a person can accept or not. There is acceptance, but enjoyment also needs to be taken into account.
The jealous line shocked a bit. Made me think why should I be jealous of somebody who if their partners are busy with others has nobody on the days when they may need them, who could have nobody on joyous days when they would love to share. They have benefits, different people to meet different needs, but see it all as swings and roundabouts, no one way better than the other, just different.
Ok, question time and worries.
In a firm secure well chosen mono relationship (not talking at the getting to know stage, talking love, living together), you often view the picture in long term. The couple may notice others, but nothing is done about it, not opening your heart to others, so not getting involved (yes cheating exists, and some times relationships die, but the aim is often long term). In my years of relationships, of course other people have caught my eyes, but out of respect for partner, I stop anything from developing, and it feels good, a sign of commitment to partner.
A wonderful expression I like is if the grass looks greener on the other site, the water your own grass.
What honestly scares me in a poly relationship is that there feels like no longterm commitment protection. Love is infinite, but time and where your body is, is not. I could spend five years with her seeing her once twice a week, but as they are open to new relationships. They could meet somebody else, form a deep connection that at the time feels better than the one I have with her, then move to the other end of the country, and it ends. Where with mono if the person is content and happy, that deep connection with somebody else is avoided.
There would be a perpetual sword of Damocles just hanging there.
My question is, are you happy with this? How do you cope with this?
The poly pool. I meet hundreds of women. In the last six months would not be surprised if I had not seen over two thousand, and talked to (innocently) 500+. Believe that chemistry is rare, and have felt it with a few. Believe that mental compatibility is less rare, and felt that with a few more. Of those hundreds, maybe four who I have thought I could have a respectful fun relationship with. One was married, one was a lesbian, one wanted a third in her couple, and the fourth is poly. Where are the mono passionate, fun, straight or bi, intelligent women????
Poly people seem to meet other poly people, or pull mono people in. This must mean that there is a much smaller pool (gene pool analogy, not fish) of people for them to choose from. I know I am a fussy bugger. But if I were to become poly, then list of potential partners would be the same (unless. I wanted to pull in other monos) as deciding only to date albinos. Is it not much harder to be as selective with partners when the selection is soo small, or do you fine that the personality traits are often the same, and if you love one poly, then you may love many more?
The part that put me off the most was that she showed me a picture of her talking to one person, with her other hand behind her back holding hands with another. She saw this as sharing love. I saw this as not giving your full attention to one person or another. If I talk to somebody whilst the conversation is going on, I am totally concentrating on them, empathising, trying to see their point of view, really listening. Could not imaging half paying attention to them, and half enjoying and focusing on the sensations in my hand from somebody else. Feels to me like in the middle of a deep conversation whipping out a phone and writing a text at the same time.
She viewed the picture as wonderful, I viewed it as deeply un-respectful. If she had reached a natural stopping point in the conversation, the rolled over and became playful with the other, then rolled back after and continued, would have found that fine.
Is this normal poly behaviour? (Specifically not talking about group sex here, just conversation)
Until the picture was thinking maybe the poly lifestyle could be right for me, but the picture and responses made me shudder.
Final quick question, in reading through this board, nearly all messages are unhappy ones. Vastly impressed by the replies people have given, logical, open and well thought out, but do you think that being poly is much harder than being mono?
Jonathan X
I have met somebody who is poly. I have always been mono so far. Before I fully open up to her, and risk heartache, wanted to ask the community a few questions.
I could ask her, but she is always massively pro poly. With lines like: monogamy is the wrong way, people were not made to be monogamous. And: Friends who I tell about polyamory are often jealous.
Personally feel mono, poly, or monk are just lifestyles that a person can accept or not. There is acceptance, but enjoyment also needs to be taken into account.
The jealous line shocked a bit. Made me think why should I be jealous of somebody who if their partners are busy with others has nobody on the days when they may need them, who could have nobody on joyous days when they would love to share. They have benefits, different people to meet different needs, but see it all as swings and roundabouts, no one way better than the other, just different.
Ok, question time and worries.
In a firm secure well chosen mono relationship (not talking at the getting to know stage, talking love, living together), you often view the picture in long term. The couple may notice others, but nothing is done about it, not opening your heart to others, so not getting involved (yes cheating exists, and some times relationships die, but the aim is often long term). In my years of relationships, of course other people have caught my eyes, but out of respect for partner, I stop anything from developing, and it feels good, a sign of commitment to partner.
A wonderful expression I like is if the grass looks greener on the other site, the water your own grass.
What honestly scares me in a poly relationship is that there feels like no longterm commitment protection. Love is infinite, but time and where your body is, is not. I could spend five years with her seeing her once twice a week, but as they are open to new relationships. They could meet somebody else, form a deep connection that at the time feels better than the one I have with her, then move to the other end of the country, and it ends. Where with mono if the person is content and happy, that deep connection with somebody else is avoided.
There would be a perpetual sword of Damocles just hanging there.
My question is, are you happy with this? How do you cope with this?
The poly pool. I meet hundreds of women. In the last six months would not be surprised if I had not seen over two thousand, and talked to (innocently) 500+. Believe that chemistry is rare, and have felt it with a few. Believe that mental compatibility is less rare, and felt that with a few more. Of those hundreds, maybe four who I have thought I could have a respectful fun relationship with. One was married, one was a lesbian, one wanted a third in her couple, and the fourth is poly. Where are the mono passionate, fun, straight or bi, intelligent women????
Poly people seem to meet other poly people, or pull mono people in. This must mean that there is a much smaller pool (gene pool analogy, not fish) of people for them to choose from. I know I am a fussy bugger. But if I were to become poly, then list of potential partners would be the same (unless. I wanted to pull in other monos) as deciding only to date albinos. Is it not much harder to be as selective with partners when the selection is soo small, or do you fine that the personality traits are often the same, and if you love one poly, then you may love many more?
The part that put me off the most was that she showed me a picture of her talking to one person, with her other hand behind her back holding hands with another. She saw this as sharing love. I saw this as not giving your full attention to one person or another. If I talk to somebody whilst the conversation is going on, I am totally concentrating on them, empathising, trying to see their point of view, really listening. Could not imaging half paying attention to them, and half enjoying and focusing on the sensations in my hand from somebody else. Feels to me like in the middle of a deep conversation whipping out a phone and writing a text at the same time.
She viewed the picture as wonderful, I viewed it as deeply un-respectful. If she had reached a natural stopping point in the conversation, the rolled over and became playful with the other, then rolled back after and continued, would have found that fine.
Is this normal poly behaviour? (Specifically not talking about group sex here, just conversation)
Until the picture was thinking maybe the poly lifestyle could be right for me, but the picture and responses made me shudder.
Final quick question, in reading through this board, nearly all messages are unhappy ones. Vastly impressed by the replies people have given, logical, open and well thought out, but do you think that being poly is much harder than being mono?
Jonathan X
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