Mentioning polyamory on dating site profiles or in messages

RedPanda

RedPanda

New member
I've bumped into a lot of poly people I already know locally on OKCupid. Messaging them is usually pretty easy, but I am finding I have lots of trouble messaging people I don't already know. The chief pattern I've noticed is that if I don't mention polyamory in my message, I am much more likely to get a response. What the heck?

Obviously this also holds true with people who are not polyamorous (or at least don't say so in their profile). For me, it would seem disingenuous to hide the fact that I'm polyamorous just for the sake of getting more responses.

I tried that once and got a coffee date on practically the first message. The girl was energetic and outgoing and didn't even read my profile. So it became apparent that she thought I was single. Awkward.

Before I was polyamorous, I learned how to message single monogamous people and get responses, but apparently there's something I'm missing in messaging poly people. What gives? Be upfront and honest, or mildly evasive through omission?
 
Here are my thoughts. I'm sure they deviate from conventional wisdom.

You aren't looking to get locked down right away, are you? So being poly is similar (not the exact same, mind you) to simply dating many people at the same time.

I did that in college, and it was pretty well understood that others were doing that too. I don't just mean having sex, but actually dating.

I don't think that you have to make a big thing out of the label "poly" so that it gets a weird reaction. Just say you're dating other people. If they ask about those people, I wouldn't hide the length of time, or the significance of the people you are dating. But at least until you see if the new date is even going somewhere, I don't think you're sinning by omission to say that you date other people. Anyone who expects a monogamous commitment on the first date is a stage 4 clinger.

But I'm an odd duck.
 
RedPanda, I'm assuming you say in your profile that you're poly?

I completely disagree about it not being a lie of omission. When someone is dating multiple people, there is an expectation that eventually one will be chosen for the monogamous commitment. Living in the world we do, there's every reason to believe this.

If, however, you already have a permanent, lifetime commitment, house, children, marriage, etc., with someone else, then this is not the same as simply dating multiple people, because you cannot offer at any time in the future what most people expect dating to eventually lead to.

For most people on dating sites, that monogamous commitment is really the ultimate point and goal. To simply not mention that you're not offering that is a huge and vital omission.

If you've already mentioned it on your profile, then you've said it, but I think I would personally say it in a message, too, to be absolutely clear.
 
vanquish said:
Here are my thoughts. I'm sure they deviate from conventional wisdom.

You aren't looking to get locked down right away, are you? So being poly is similar (not the exact same, mind you) to simply dating many people at the same time. I'm college, I did that and it was pretty well understood that others were doing that too. I don't just mean having sex, but actually dating.

I don't think that you have to make a big thing out of the label "poly" so that it gets a weird reaction. Just say you're dating other people. If they ask about those people, I wouldn't hide the length or significance of those people you are dating, but at least until you see if the new date is even going somewhere, I don't think you're sinning by omission to say that you date other people. Anyone who expects a monogamous commitment on the first date is a stage 4 clinger.

But I'm an odd duck.
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That's a good point. I have to consider the motivations of the people I'm messaging. A lot of twenty-somethings are not looking for anything serious, so if I say I'm dating, they are not intimidated by something scary like polyamory.

WhatHappened said:
RedPanda, I'm assuming you say in your profile that you're poly?

I completely disagree about it not being a lie of omission. When someone is dating multiple people, there is an expectation that eventually one will be chosen for the monogamous commitment. Living in the world we do, there's every reason to believe this.

If, however, you already have a permanent, lifetime commitment, house, children, marriage, etc. with someone else, then this is not the same as simply dating multiple people, because you cannot offer at any time in the future what most people expect dating to eventually lead to.

For most people on dating sites, that monogamous commitment is really the ultimate point and goal. To simply not mention that you're not offering that is a huge and vital omission.

If you've already mentioned it on your profile, then you've said it, but I think I would personally say it in a message, too, to be absolutely clear.
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Yeah, I see this, too. I do say it in my profile, and I do have a committed life partner (not that I wouldn't mind having two). But yeah, that's a lot for someone else to chew on, especially from a first message! I can imagine them thinking, "Whoa! Too much emotion and strings and feels. Red alert! Do not!"
 
I agree that the audience/recipient does control the message. With a younger crowd, the method above works. I can say that confidently, because that's the method my partner uses. Does she shy away from explaining she's with a committed partner when asked? No. Does she scare them away with it in her dating profile? Also no. If you're on a dating website you're presumably an adult. An adult can ask a simple question or questions about the person's dating situation on a first date. I can tell you anecdotally that of the younger crowd she dates, it's no big deal, because many of them are also dating multiple people. That's something you can find out when you get to know each other, in my opinion.
 
By not sharing the fact that one is married, dating someone long term, or in a domestic partnership is a douchebag move. Saying you are "dating" or "seeing" others gives the impression that may or will change down the line.

How about being honest? Lying by omission to bolster your response rate and dating pool is disgusting.
 
Putting to the side that you basically just insulted someone I love (and me), you're missing my point. The question is not if they deserve to know. I've already said they do. The question is when. And furthermore, you're assuming for the sake of argument that the person listing the profile is committed to someone long-term. The OP didn't post that. The OP simply said they were poly.

Go ahead and make a bunch of assumptions about the people you're interacting with, assumptions that don't hold true in reality in the area that I live in. Besides calling it a lie and being disgusted, you haven't addressed my point that other people are capable of handling the information on a first date or when they ask. You've also failed to address the idea that a lot of people reading the profile may be dating multiple people themselves, but have an irrational reaction to seeing the word "polyamorous."

EDIT: In addition, I've seen people on this board (London, I believe, but don't hold me to that) say it's no one's business whom you're dating, and that relationships can be kept separate.
 
vanquish said:
EDIT: In addition, I've seen people on this board (London[?]) say it's no one's business whom you're dating, and that relationships can be kept separate.
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I did get a response from a poly girl when I invited her to a poly cookout meetup. She said that none of her metamours knew each other. I found that slightly disappointing, but there's no single way to do poly. My group is all very intimate. All of our Vs, Ys, Ws, and Xs go out to bars and restaurants together.

Maybe my problem is that this is my expectation? Do most poly people all hang out, or keep relationships separate? I wouldn't want to date someone who wanted to be strictly separate. Maybe that level of inclusion is intimidating or rare?
 
I wouldn't consider London to be the board's resident poly expert. (No offense, London.)

Plus I take the statement as you do not have to have your metamours hang out or even be friendly. But they need to know you have a regular partner.

Other than kids' events and holidays, my husbands rarely spend time together.
 
Dagferi said:
But they need to know you have a regular partner.
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Agreed. The question is whether it should be on a dating profile or discussed when the daters meet. The same people can have vastly different responses, depending on the method. Someone who might pass by a profile that said "POLY!!! SIRENS!! ALARMS!!" might meet someone for a date, find out they like the person and also find out that person is polyamorous. Working around the stigma, assuming you are honest, is only fair, in my personal view.

Trust me, I'd hate it if my partner went out on dates and didn't acknowledge our relationship and how important it was to her. I'd feel like our relationship didn't even matter. It was in a thread on that very subject that I got the advice that I referenced above.

There's also another concern...time and energy. Putting poly on the profile may save you time weeding out those who aren't ready for it. You could leave it off only to have wasted date upon date with people who reject you once they find out. That's actually an argument in favor of putting it on the profile.

Sure, all the participants getting along and spending time together is ideal for moderate to outgoing people. But not all people/groups work like that. Polyamory is a rarity around here (Montgomery, AL), but people dating multiple people as casual singles isn't. I can't set a norm from that data. ;)
 
Imo, before the first date, the other party needs to know, hey, I have a partner. I know I would be pissed if I was misled on any subject matter just to get a date.

When Murf, whom I met irl, asked me out on a date, the first sentence out of my mouth explained my situation.
 
Dagferi said:
Imo, before the first date, the other party needs to know I have a partner. I know I would be pissed if I was misled on any subject matter just to get a date.
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Here's where we can just choose to differ, I guess. I think, in the modern dating world, it's not too strange an assumption to think that someone on a dating site might have been dating someone else, and doing so for a period of time.

When Murf, whom I met irl, asked me out on a date, the first sentence out of my mouth explained my situation.
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I'm not following this sentence. Do you mean that you told him after he asked you out that you were in a relationship? Not before? If that's the case, then he already had his hopes up before he had your information, which is similar to finding out after you've read someone's profile.

We can agree to disagree and not hijack the thread anymore. Red Panda, you've heard my view.
 
We met through a classic car club. I have a1953 Studebaker truck. Butch hates car shows, cruises, etc. So Murf met me through my car friends. I do not wear a wedding ring due to having 4 screws in my ring finger. Our conversations were about cars. I don't go through life announcing my relationship status in general conversations.

As soon as Murf expressed an interest in me beyond a casual acquaintance, we had the poly conversation.
 
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So you're giving us an example of someone who asked you out, hoping you were single, before he knew that you were poly, not knowing what your relationship status was, who took a chance and was able to handle it after you told him in person.

Interesting. ;)
 
Yes. But I guess women who love classic cars, especially gearhead women, are a rarity, so he was willing to take a chance. Not many women would help put an engine in a '72 Camaro. lol

My point is, it is better to be upfront and honest. Online dating profiles should give a glimpse of who you are, bypassing the whole getting to know you phase in a casual environment. I dated pre-internet days. You used to meet someone, you had a general conversation, and decided if you wanted to get to know them better. Your online profile should give the reader the important information to allow someone to decide whether you are someone they want to get to know.

I wouldn't want to date someone whose core beliefs did not mesh with mine.
 
Dagferi said:
Yes. But I guess women who love classic cars, especially gearhead women, are a rarity, so he was willing to take a chance. Not many women would help put an engine in a '72 Camaro. lol

My point is, it is better to be upfront and honest. Online dating profiles should give a glimpse of who you are, bypassing the whole getting to know you phase in a casual environment. I dated pre-internet days. You used to meet someone, you had a general conversation, and decided if you wanted to get to know them better. Your online profile should give the reader the important information to allow them to decide whether you are someone they want to get to know.

I wouldn't want to date someone whose core beliefs do not mesh with mine.
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Well yes, like I said, I can get plenty of responses from single, monogamous women. I know how to write a profile and message! :p

For reference, I am fairly extroverted, and I seem to only date people who are more extroverted and gregarious than myself. So my target audience is generally inclined to come and meet groups of people. That was my most successful technique when pitching a message at an extrovert. Come meet me and my friends and do something social! But even that doesn't seem to work when I say, "Come meet me and my poly friends." :(

Lots of different ideas and perspectives. Thanks so far.
 
Messages on Dating Sites

Lets face some facts, folks. The overwhelming number of men are not going to be put off by anything a woman puts out on her status. As a matter of fact, if she states she is married or in a committed relationship, but still dating, that will translate to most men that this could be a great FWB, and probably/surely sex if it works out. Most women on these sites will not be interested if the same statement is made by a man.

I do agree with Dagferi that there should be no intentional deceit.
 
From what I hear from my single mono male friends, online dating is a bitch. Add on being poly, I am sure that makes things even harder.
 
Dagferi said:
From what I hear from my single mono male friends, online dating is a bitch. Add on being poly, I am sure that makes things even harder.
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There are a lot of flaky, crazy people on internet dating sites, male and female. It's hard enough to sift through all the people who aren't even serious about meeting other humans.
 
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