messed up :(

[Treez]

Hi...

I'm kinda new in the whole poly word and I have messed up already.

I've been going out with a wonderful woman, who I deeply love, for about a year now.
We had a few problems in our relationship and all in all she hasn't been feeling well and is right in the middle of a healing process including therapy coming up...
I had fallen for another extraordinary, amazing woman who lives poly and I had started getting into understanding... realizing … slowly changing my attitude towards love and life!

I didn't talk to my girlfriend for quite a while. By the time, I had already kissed the second I've fallen for and then tried to explain myself to the first. I really wanted my girlfriend to understand and realize what I had realized... I practically begged her to come with me. Explore the new world. I told her I couldn't hold myself any more and that we have no other option than to split up if she doesn't feel she can come along... I was hung up on the idea of not wanting to have to decide who I wanted to be with, I wanted to be with both. I wanted to be able to love both freely
She said no and we split up for exactly one day. She then suddenly started talking to me... eyes and heart wide open, wanting to understand. We talked and talked and she met up with the woman I had fallen for. She said she'd come along. She said she had understood.
Those two then fell for each other and we had something like the beginning of a triangular relationship. Then I started getting jealous (there was no reason for that)

A couple of weeks ago, I started drinking secretly (I'm a drug-addict and have been clean for five years. Drinking secretly means I had a relapse) There was a lot of drama about me, including my friends. The whole thing got really complicated. I lost the connection I had to myself (looking back, the explanation for my jealousy – I was scared of losing both because I subconsciously knew that drinking would draw me away from them) .
I told them what I had done and stopped drinking. They were devastated. They felt/still feel absolutely betrayed. My first girlfriend doesn't just feel betrayed because of me drinking, but also because of me having made a choice - against her. I was willing to leave her to live poly. She obviously feels that I was willing to leave her for the other woman. Which is true in a way. I just still don't know how I could have solved my problem before hand. I surely should have talked to her earlier. I should have told here that I had fallen for the other, right away. But I didn'
Both woman have been spending the whole week together because they cant stand my presence...
I'm OK with that, because I have accepted that it will take time until they manage to cope with my betrayal...

I'm just so worried and scared of losing them. The loss of one would tear me apart. It already is tearing me apart. All I can do is have faith and trust... somehow. Even if it's killing me... not to have the contact I wish.. not to see them and talk to them and tell them how I feel. Not knowing how they feel.

I've been alone for two weeks and I'm standing upright again. I've stopped drinking.. am still in the process of analysing me relapse. I've changed a lot of things, quite quickly...
I seriously mutated into the biggest egotist I had ever seen... I'm back though, both feet on the ground... willing to give them all my love. I just wish I could...

My first girlfriend will be visiting me on Sunday. I know what I want to say... it's just that I don't know how to show her how much I love her. I don't know how to excuse the way I behaved... I don't know if she will be able to understand how desperate I was when I made the decision to leave her...and how happy I am that she changed her mind!

I'm great full for any kind of advice any one has... Thanks for reading this far

 

[bookbug]

I have known people, who when they get what they want - as you did - they fuck it up. While drinking was the method - and I don't want to downplay addiction - the issue is why you chose to go down the path. Feeling undeserving? Don't know how to be happy? Some others I can't think of?

Maybe therapy is in order?

 

[Treez]

Thanks for your reply...

Yeah... I might be one of those people. I don't know. I'm analyizing... reflecting.. and yes... Therapy is in order.

 

[bookbug]

I would think that you making those efforts would be meaningful to your ladies. You made a mistake, you've acknowledged it, and apologized for it. Maybe taking the extra step, like therapy, would allow them to trust you again.

People mistakes. Often how the mistake is handled in the aftermath determines whether it's forgiveable or not.

 

[TiagodaCruz]

Jealousy, insecurity and property

Hi.

First of, I am sorry for any mistakes. English is not my first tongue but I do want to make myself understood. Second... nothing I say will actually do anything, but I hope it can inspire you positively.

You mentioned jealousy and the fear of loosing them. It would be great if you could stop seeing them as yours to start with. You can't loose something or someone that doesn't belong to you. That fear would become much reduced if you could just see them as people that you feel affinity towards and with whom you are willing to share good things. As long as you love, love is always there under all the fear and everything else. You just have to clear it away (and now that you did what you did, help them clear the way for their love for you to express itself from under the fear, the resentment, the insecurity).

There is no fixed equation for how to do this (all or any of it), no recipe, no formula. If it was I, I would just relax and let my love talk. Explain how much you love them, how you feared loosing someone that you now comprehend is not actually yours, how things were so perfect that you feared loosing what you all had and that fear overwhelmed you, made you lose control of yourself (I think that is what happened). It made you turn to something bad but that you already knew. Something you didn't want but that was comfortable in a sickening way.

Then explain how your love for them made you see the light, gave you the strength to pull yourself together. Tell them all you want is to recover what you had and see where it all take you all. Let your love talk.

If that doesn't work, I don't know what will. But then again I don't know the people involved.

Never allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself. That is a weakness that will eventually destroy you. Deal with the consequences of your actions and move towards what you feel is a better you. Don't allow yourself to be depressed, as soon as you do slap yourself and act. No drugs will solve your problem but action can. If a problem has a solution act and solve, if it doesn't it is solved in a way. Anxiety never really makes sense nor does fear. If you feel them just accept and move one, defy them and let them pass, don't try to block and don't allow them to control you. Flow. And if you fail... well start over. Death is the only real end (and even that I am not sure of). Always remember there are 7000000000 people here... some will love you for sure.

Plus, if your girlfriend decided to come along and change she can't pin that on you (and neither should you) that was her choice and she is collecting benefits. Just assure yourself that you won't lose yourself again and she will feel your resolve. How lucky you are that both "your" girlfriends (not property) love each other and have their relationship. That is great, fix it and don't break it again.

May the force be with you hehehehehehe
Cheers and much love