Meta Relationships

E

ElMango

Member
I know that good and bad can come from a meta relationship!

I would like to talk about how we all keep our meta relationships; good and bad, in a functional space? I know that it can be really good for a relationship to spend quality time with any friend one on one.

For a meta you like, what do you/your polycule, do to keep that meta relationship healthy and happy?

For a meta you don't like, what do you/your polycule, do to keep that relationship functional?
 
Hi ElMango,

I am fortunate in that I have a good relationship with my meta. He and I both consciously put forth efforts to nurture our relationship with each other; this would not work in all poly situations, but we are kind of kitchen table poly, so it is important to us. Our most common thing is to watch TV shows together, also as a V the three of us eat dinner together, sometimes eat out together, and end each day with a group hug. A good meta relationship is made up of little things ... at least in my experience.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi KDT

I am also very much more so "kitchen table", it's what I'm most comfortable with, and not having it with certain people makes things weird and the relationship more difficult.

Little things is what I feel most relationships are built on. You have to show that you're trying to keep a relationship up; rather than having one or neither partner do anything. That won't foster anything positive.

The two spokes of my V are best friends; so when both of my basically husbands get along so well, my job there is easy! I always just encourage them to be honest and open with each other when they do have any friction (which has really only really ever been about chores, so it's not like huge things). Encouraging them to both have relationships outside of me, and still maintaining a kitchen table style is something that definitely happened via some trial and error. We all apparently don't have amazing taste in others; and have definitely picked some duds and not having that initial kitchen table was really a main issue.
 
Chops' other partners aren't really people I'd be good friends with otherwise... they'd be more acquaintances or "light" friendships (like, I'd hang out in a group with them, but wouldn't pull together any one-on-one time).

I know the two of them (Xena and Curls) get together on a somewhat regular basis, to see a show, or just hang out, so they definitely have a friendship outside the relationship and nurture it as they would any friendship, I'm guessing.

For me, I see them at gatherings, we talk when something pops up, or every so often... more like extended family. There isn't really anything I do to keep it functioning that way.

When Chops was with Noa (since removed from my sig), I really DID like her, but the distance between us and our crazy-ass schedules made it impossible to do more than hang out at get-togethers anyway. We had some fun chats, though. :)

Things were worse (WAY worse) when Xena was pushing hard for a close friendship with me. She wanted more KTP and me to be a BFF to her, and we just didn't click like that. I felt put upon and pulled back quite a bit, and I actually have a good amount of baggage from that, where I pretty much keep her at arms' length (although that doesn't matter so much now). To me, there's no forcing a friendship past where it would naturally go. I have enough friends I want to spend time with but can't.

Anyhoo... don't know if that really answered your question or not. I don't do a hell of a lot.
 
YouAreHere said:
To me, there's no forcing a friendship past where it would naturally go. I have enough friends I want to spend time with but can't.
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I am of a similar mind. I have relationships with people I hit it off with, and don't have relationships with people I don't hit it off with. Who they are or are not having sex with isn't a determining factor in how I treat them.
 
Marcus said:
I am of a similar mind. I have relationships with people I hit it off with, and don't have relationships with people I don't hit it off with. Who they are or are not having sex with isn't a determining factor in how I treat them.
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I definitely agree. I know I've had to adjust my thinking for how my kitchen table works.

I've adopted more of a; initial "kitchen table" meeting, a get to know if you all click as "tolerable for everyone". With Z, we had an experience that we all agreed made it a needed thing.

He was on date 3 with a person; and the moment we all (me, him, B and Date) started doing an activity together she literally insulted me, to him, "behind my back" (I put in quotes because she was whispering TO HIM completely within my earshot). This made Z especially very upset and uncomfortable.

I've also had one where, a longtime friend and short term FWB ended up being an alcoholic and, due to our past, I didn't really see it until, when he showed his symptoms so to speak, when B was with me; and it clicked that I couldn't come up with an excuse that he wouldn't really see as unacceptable. It made my brain click that...it wasn't acceptable.

When Z and I first started our poly journey; we felt kitchen table was best. But over time we got lazy, and then experience proved the best teacher.

New experiences are usually the best teachers when it comes to things. If you have never experienced it before, then theory on how to deal doesn't always sink in. Which is why I really enjoy these forums; because you get specific advice based on other peoples learning.
 
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