Metamour acting shady- how to deal?

T

Tigergirl

New member
My metamour is up to her usual schtick- passive aggression and lying. I'm really not sure what to do.

Here's what went down: For much of our time together, we have been in a closed V. None of us were looking for any other partners. Joe has always been open to either Sue or myself having other partners- being monogamous with him was both of our decisions. He admits he'd have a tough time processing his jealousy about it, but always maintains that it would be his issue and that he wants his partners to be happy. Recently (a few months ago), I brought up the idea that I might like to find a submissive woman partner for myself- he was of course nervous, but we have taken our time discussing things such as boundaries and emotions and he's now comfortable with the idea and I've been exploring my options on that front. During this time, I made sure Sue was informed of my desires and that she had an opportunity to ask any questions or create any boundaries that she wished before I moved forward with anything, even after Joe said he was okay with it. (Her one question: "Can I watch?" Ugh. This objectification of both Joe and myself is constant.) I'm giving this background so you all can see how Joe and I both have tried to handle looking for other partners respectfully, and that Sue had every opportunity to look for other partners in a respectful way herself.

Now Sue has created a situation. Apparently, she has been making dates with other men...behind Joe's back. This only came to light because one of the men messaged Joe on fetlife checking in with him about it. Understandably, Joe was upset. Now here's the tricky part for me: I knew she was communicating with that guy, but I didn't realize it was behind Joe's back. Joe and I don't talk about his relationship with Sue, and since their relationship has definitely taken a back burner, I wasn't surprised when I saw evidence that she was looking to meet new people and I was honestly happy for her that she then might create something that was good for her. (She's annoying, but I don't want anybody to be as angry and miserable as she seems all the time!) This particular guy is dating a friend of mine (the kinky poly world is small!), so when she asked him about what was going on with Sue, he told her that Sue had said that she had discussed it with Joe and that she was looking for new partners. My friend told me this, and I didn't mention it to Joe, because it didn't seem necessary. Not my business to get in to. Eventually the topic came up when Joe found out- but Sue maintained to Joe that she was just being friendly and that she never told the other guy she was looking for other partners. Apparently, Joe and Sue have NEVER discussed her actively wanting to do so. Now knowing that she was lying to Joe, I did tell him the information that I had. He got a little defensive, but I told him that in my opinion, only one of them had reason to lie- and it wasn't the other guy. (Not to mention, that her statement saying this was via email, that my friend saw, so I KNOW she lied.) She also has a precedent of lying when confronted with bad behavior on her part. I told him it's his relationship to do what he wants with, but I do expect to be notified if she's planning on taking on any other sexual partners. (Joe and Sue use condoms, Joe and I do not use any protection- it definitely becomes a sexual health issue.)

So, currently Joe is figuring out where he and Sue stand, and that's on him. However, for me- I'm extremely angry with her. I'm pissed at her for (in my book) cheating on and lying to Joe. I'm upset because who knows how many other times this has happened (and possibly gone further) without Joe or myself knowing. I'm frankly just sick of her crap. I'm at a point where I'm really questioning if I can continue to choose to be with Joe if he's with her, due to the high level of stress she causes both of us. I don't want to give an ultimatum, but for me emotionally it really is starting to feel like it's "her or me" time. I don't even know how to talk to Joe about how angry I am at Sue. My only solution right now is possibly telling him that until he sorts stuff out with her, our relationship needs to take a step back and that we need to start sleeping in separate bedrooms, etc. because I'm in a place where I can't deal with sharing a partner with Sue.

Any advice?
 
If you are going to tell Joe that his continued relationship with Sue might be a dealbreaker for you, I think you have a responsibility to talk to Sue about it as well. You're mad at her, and she has right to know that. She also has a right to know that you're taking a stance that could, by itself, be the thing that changes her relationship with Joe.

I mean, if you don't like passive aggression, then be aggressive and overt in your own aggression.
 
This is true, and a good point. I appreciate that. Right now, I'm just so all over the place emotionally about it that I'm just sort of trying to gather my own thoughts about it. I know I tend to shy away from talking to Sue at all, especially about problems, due to her erratic behavior in the past. If I DID talk to her, I would require it to be in Joe's presence. One solution that I did come up with is if he decides to remain in a relationship with her, to pull for relationship counseling for all of us, because this current situation is NOT working.
 
I mean all of this kindly :)

It sounds like you have a fair amount of contact with Sue and the three of you share quite a bit of information (e.g., talking to her about you wanting another partner). While this definitely works for some V's, I'm wondering if perhaps you and Sue are too involved. I don't think it's any of Sue's business who you date. And vice versa (though it clearly sounds like cheating to me, not dating). I'd be furious for Joe, but I guess I don't see how her cheating on him affects you, outside of frustrations that you found out through mutual friends. Even if she did go farther with cheating than you or Joe know, if he is maintaining using condoms with her, it seems like your sexual health isn't in jeopardy...? I would definitely confirm this with Joe, just to make sure you are feeling comfortable in your decision to not use protection with him. But I wonder if things would improve if you had less involvement in Joe and Sue's relationship, or even Sur herself. I have limited contact with my metamour, and while I would be angry if I found out she was cheating on my husband behind my back, that's really about their relationship. Could it be that your view of Joe has changed when seeing the kind of behavior he puts up with Sue...?

Just a few random thoughts - let me know if I'm off base or missing something! :)
 
I actually have very minimal contact with Sue. The last time I saw her in person was a month ago, and that was only because she attended a social event that I was hosting. We were polite and behaved in a friendly manner, but pretty much kept our distance. (It was a gathering for submissive women that I organize, so I don't like to say she is unwelcome, as I don't want to isolate her from a chance to possibly connect with people she DOES get along with.) Before that, I hadn't seen her since July. Pretty much the only contact I've had with her in the past several months is the occasional quick text for a random reason (for example, saying happy birthday).

The only reason to inform her of my decision to take on another partner is to be respectful of her boundaries- there's sexual health, and then there's also the fact that poly is relatively new to us all, and emotions happen. It wasn't an opportunity for her to say I couldn't see others, just as if she were to bring up the same topic, I'd have no say in her choice to see others either. It was basically recognizing that my taking on another partner would most likely cause an energy shift in things- plus, she tends to get REALLY angry if she isn't informed of things right away. (Example- when I moved early on in my relationship with Joe, she wanted to be first to know when I found a place, even though we weren't particularly close- and got mad that I told Joe before I told her.) And even with the use of condoms, some STIs are spread through non-genital on genital contact, such as herpes- which is something none of us have and at least I for one don't particularly want. I wanted to give her the opportunity to know it was ok to ask what responsibility I would be taking to ensure the mutual health of all three of us, because I think it's an important area to feel that safety in, particularly in a poly relationship. Part of my anger is that she chose to not offer that same opportunity to me, so I could feel comfortable trusting her to not do something that could wind up harming me.

Part of my anger is that standard "somebody is choosing behaviors that harm somebody I love, and I can't do anything about it". Joe and Sue have had a toxic relationship for awhile, and it just keeps getting worse. It's not all her- he's done things wrong too (which I've called him out on when I've witnessed them- they're not usually behaviors he does with me). But cheating is just shitty- and as the partner who came in second, I know that he ALWAYS maintained every boundary she asked for, even when she'd never find out. He always respected their relationship. And I personally just find cheaters super gross- and especially cheaters who lie once they're caught. It grosses me out to have to have a metamour connection with somebody who would do that to their partner. I want zero to do with people who would treat others like that. The stress from their relationship has been spilling in to ours for several months now, and it's getting progressively worse. I've told him previously (after she pulled another massively shitty stunt) that my boundary for being in a relationship with him while he's with her is that her toxic behaviors can not be allowed to harm me or our relationship, and he's done a good job of maintaining that up until now. I'm just fed up- honestly, if they could fix their relationship and it wasn't harming mine or me, that's on them- if they want to be together, it's up to them. But it IS causing him to walk around stressed and angry, and to be snippy and cold with both myself and his son. It IS causing me to worry if there are any sexual health concerns I need to be having, because frankly, I don't trust her that this is the ONE guy she was being shady with. I'm just really frustrated with the whole thing.
 
Honestly id just stay out if it. Just stay away from her. Don't have anything to do with her . Stop having sex with Joe until he's don't having sex with her and can test clean. You don't want to get herpes or hpv, you need to make sure he doesn't get those things before you have sex with him again since she's not someone who can be trusted. That's the only thing I think you can really do if you want to stay with Joe
 
Hi Tigergirl,

Given the amount of frustration Sue is causing you, I think the only cure is to tell Joe you need to distance yourself from him for awhile. Once you've established that, you might want to ask yourself if you would ever trust Sue again. If you wouldn't, then shouldn't you keep your distance from Joe as well as Sue? Won't there always be a danger of catching an STI/STD as long as Sue is in the picture?

It's up to you but those are my thoughts.
 
Thanks for your input, all! It's appreciated! Right now, the situation is this: I expressed to Joe my concerns about Sue and why they affected me, as well as other poly related issues that we need to discuss now that we are living together. He was completely receptive to what I was saying and reassured me that my well being is a top priority for him. Apparently, Joe and Sue are still figuring out if they work anymore as a couple. Since my original conversation with him outing her lies in this situation, they have not had any overnights nor any non-public alone time together. They've only had short outings. I still have not seen or personally spoken to Sue. This may change today, as Joe wants all of us to meet for brunch and to talk. I do want to talk with her, as I seriously can not stomach being this upset with anyone, but I'm unsure how it will go.
 
Keep us posted. I hope the brunch talk goes well.
 
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