Miserable, Doing it wrong. No idea what to do next

[Tinwen]

When it became apparent that nothing was working, and that my wife was unable to accept the situation I made the incredibly difficult decision that I would choose my GF over my wife. I spoke candidly to my wife, and let her know that this new relationship was sufficiently important to me that I was going to pursue it against her wishes.

I let her know that I still loved her, that this was no reflection on her and I would support whatever decision she felt she needed to make in response to that.

She chose to stay. Even in hindsight I'm not....... confident how I could've handled that better? Should I have taken her options away and just left? Should I have refused her the choice to remain in a relationship with me?

I understand. Let me ask further. I am sorry if this is inconvenient to you.

Are there children involved? Are both of you able to support yourself financially on your own, or not?
While everyone is ultimately responsible for their self-care, it is important to know if decisions are made under financial (or other kind of) duress.

What kind of relationship do you want with your wife? You offered her to leave or stay ... but stay as what? As a lover and spouse, with common lifegoals and plans, or as a roommate for the time being?

Also, do you understand why your wife is making this decision? What are her goals, what are her hopes?
You clearly had a clash with her 'missing no opportunity to express how this makes her feel', until your gf left. (Ask yourself - how does the gf even know?)

I think what you could be doing better, is clarify expectations and agreements with your wife. If she stays, acknowledging that you have a gf now, and she has no say in your other relationships - what is it, that you still offer her? and what else do you expect from her?
As examples of things that might help, can you promis her as much as being home X evenings a week? Can you grant her privacy by not bringing your gf into your shared home? Can you respect both of your partners by not talking about conflicts (and other details of your private life) with one to the other? Can you focus just on her fully while you have sex?
In return, what are your minimal requirements for you to be able to sustain the marriage. Her being polite to your gf if they happen to meet? Not steering up the conflict every few days?

As you state that your communications skills are not good with your wife, I think you could take this very direct route of negotiating basic standards of behavior. It's hardly ideal, but it is a starting point that allows you to stabilize your home situation --- and within this relative peace, you can then work on your skills as a hinge (communication, intimacy, empathy), and she can sort out how to accept poly or not.

 

[Remnant]

Not inconvenient at all. Thank you for your continued interest.

Yes. we have 3 children at home. No my wife is not financially self sufficient.

My ideal relationship with my wife would yes, be as a partner, a lover, a spouse. But I would accept anything she is willing to give.

It's not so much that my communication skills are bad as that for a long time I WASN'T communicating.

Yes, I can promise, and offer, all of those things. And I have.

 

[Remnant]

No. I am saying that if you are poly, you feel love for both. Not give ultimatums to one because you want to chase the other. Help your wife feel secure instead of "or elsed", You say she is agreeable to you having the relationship in the future. Help your relationship with her arrive at a place where it is possible, not just inform her that you're going ahead no matter what.

She is agreeable to me having this relationship in the future. What she wants now is for me to completely cut all contact. Don't see the GF, don't talk to her, don't message her, don't associate with mutual friends, don't be in a place that she is likely to be. With all due respect, I think that qualifies as "ditching the girlfriend".
I do feel love for both of them. And I empathise with how my wife is feeling, but this is a relatively new relationship. And I don't believe it would survive that. Particularly since I have no idea how long it would take to "Help my relationship with her arrive at a place where it is possible".

How long is it reasonable to expect my girlfriend (new relationship) to wait? with no contact, no communication, no idea what's happening?

 

[PinkPig]

May I ask how long you were having an emotional affair before you came clean to your wife, how long it's been since you came clean to her, and how long you tried to work things out with her before deciding that she should have no say in boundaries around your other relationship? I ask because it takes time to rebuild trust. FWIW, I agree that partners should not really have a say in the boundaries of their partner's other relationships...but, in this case, your wife did not consent to be in an open relationship, just found herself suddenly thrust into one through your affair. And, given the situation...children at home and your wife financially dependent upon you, presumably to care for the children, it could feel much like coercion. What are the perceived benefits for your wife to being in an open relationship? Does she have the option of dating other people? Are you fulfilling her emotional needs (romancing her, communicating with her, dating her, and supporting her through this) and her physical needs (sharing responsibility for the children, housework, etc? Fulfilling her sexual needs, not what you perceive them to be but what she states them to be?)

If your wife, as a person, really is a priority, then your actions should be following your words. A good therapist may be able to help you both sift through everything and figure out what each of you really want and how to accomplish that.

 

[Remnant]

There was about 3 weeks between the..... realisation of an emotional affair and the open conversation with my wife. There was about 2 months between that conversation and the conversation where I refused to accept further restrictions.

Yes my wife has the option of dating other people. That had actually been raised very early in our marriage, I have never required monogamy even while monogamous.
Physical needs very definitely.
Sexual needs as she has stated them definitely, as I perceive them mostly.
emotional needs. This is vaguer. Communication yes, without exception. Romance/dating as I can, and very specifically moreso than the GF. Supporting her through this. I don't know how to define that.

I....... dislike "priority" or "primary". I was attempting to make my wife my primary partner due to the situation, and I felt that was being....... abused. In multiple instances plans were agreed to and then I was requested to cancel, postpone or limit them with less than an hours notice because my primary was "not coping right now".

 

[PinkPig]

She is agreeable to me having this relationship in the future. What she wants now is for me to completely cut all contact. Don't see the GF, don't talk to her, don't message her, don't associate with mutual friends, don't be in a place that she is likely to be. With all due respect, I think that qualifies as "ditching the girlfriend".
I do feel love for both of them. And I empathise with how my wife is feeling, but this is a relatively new relationship. And I don't believe it would survive that. Particularly since I have no idea how long it would take to "Help my relationship with her arrive at a place where it is possible".

How long is it reasonable to expect my girlfriend (new relationship) to wait? with no contact, no communication, no idea what's happening?

I'm very much of the mind of 'if it's meant to be, it will be' without coercion or manipulation.

As for how long is reasonable to expect your girlfriend to hang around, that's really dependent on her. I think the best bet is to have no expectations. Accept that you may lose her while you're rebuilding with your wife. If the rebuilding is successful and you are able to open your marriage....then you will have opportunity to meet and date other women.

 

[PinkPig]

There was about 3 weeks between the..... realisation of an emotional affair and the open conversation with my wife. There was about 2 months between that conversation and the conversation where I refused to accept further restrictions.

Yes my wife has the option of dating other people. That had actually been raised very early in our marriage, I have never required monogamy even while monogamous.
Physical needs very definitely.
Sexual needs as she has stated them definitely, as I perceive them mostly.
emotional needs. This is vaguer. Communication yes, without exception. Romance/dating as I can, and very specifically moreso than the GF. Supporting her through this. I don't know how to define that.

I....... dislike "priority" or "primary". I was attempting to make my wife my primary partner due to the situation, and I felt that was being....... abused. In multiple instances plans were agreed to and then I was requested to cancel, postpone or limit them with less than an hours notice because my primary was "not coping right now".

I think the issue is time. Two months is not much time to adjust to opening a relationship, even in the best of circumstances.

 

[Tinwen]

I have to withdraw from the conversation now, because I'm totally not able to stay nonjudgmental.

Being asked to accept another partner out of the blue, after 16 years of monogamy, with 3 kids and after I've probably sacrificed my career to care for them so that I've got no easy escape route, that's pretty much one of my biggest nightmares.

My own relationship isn't without flaws. We've bent consent in various ways. But this is too much.

I'm sorry Remnant, I'm sure you're a decent person in many ways, but this in my book isn't ethical polyamory. It is coertion. The fact that you value a relationship of 4 months more then a marriage of 16 years including home and kids speaks about the scary power of NRE.
Yes, I think you should ditch the new partner. Work towards real consent, or divorce your wife and get the practical aspects sorted out first before you dive into poly-dating.

What you are having is an affair in the open. Yes, I know people have always done these things.
Learning the label of 'polyamory' has done relationships harm in cases like yours. In the past spouses could at least say 'you're doing wrong' and demand you keep the affair out of their eyes and the eyes of the public. Now they're the bad ones for not accepting.

I know this is not the support you're looking for. I'm sorry.

 

[anamikanon]

She is agreeable to me having this relationship in the future. What she wants now is for me to completely cut all contact. Don't see the GF, don't talk to her, don't message her, don't associate with mutual friends, don't be in a place that she is likely to be. With all due respect, I think that qualifies as "ditching the girlfriend".
I do feel love for both of them. And I empathise with how my wife is feeling, but this is a relatively new relationship. And I don't believe it would survive that. Particularly since I have no idea how long it would take to "Help my relationship with her arrive at a place where it is possible".

How long is it reasonable to expect my girlfriend (new relationship) to wait? with no contact, no communication, no idea what's happening?

It sounds very much like your wife *may* in the future consent to polyamory. Right now she most definitely is not.

You chose to proceed bulldozing over her, but the girlfriend didn't find that attractive. Frankly any mature woman who has had relationships before is usually observant to how her partner treats women. Particularly women he has been intimate with. If she initiated the break till you sort your shit out, chances are, resuming will also depend on whether she respects how she sees you act.

From where I stand, if your wife comes to her senses, you are at risk at being a single man.

THAT I suspect is the entitled incoherence driving this thread. Not so much how the wife is taking it, but that the girlfriend has already not taken it.

You have got a lot of good advice on the thread. I leave this toxic mess with a last viewpoint that it isn't about whether you stay with the wife or the girlfriend or both or none, but how you conduct yourself in a relationship. While meeting and parting and joy or disappointment are a part of life, callous or sensitive behavior is usually a choice.

If 3 pages worth interaction just has served for you to keep presenting your story in various angles digging for validation rather than using the insights provided, you're likely idle enough to do it for another 30 pages. I'm equally unlikely to go "oh well, damn, those women suck, they should all just love you and do as you say" No point prolonging this.

 

[Remnant]

Thank you all for your feedback. Not what I wanted to hear, but I have no one to blame for that but myself.

I wasn't looking for validation, and "oh well, damn, those women suck, they should all just love you and do as you say" is very definitely not what I wanted at all.

Some affirmation or reassurance that there MAY be a way forward that doesn't involve giving my wife full control over the situation would've been nice, but we don't always get what we want.

I still don't know what I'm going to do. I hear what's been said, and the perspective is helpful but I don't know that I'm willing to walk away from my girlfriend which is clear consensus here. If that makes me callous and insensitive, then maybe that's what I am.

I understand that this is not "ethical" or morally right. I'm trying to do the right thing, but I'm not sure I'm willing to pay the price attached.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

You have given your wife a non-choice.

Have you even done any serious research into poly, like studying "More Than Two" or any of the other materials out there? If you had, you must have read how destructive NRE can be. I get it; I destroyed both my first and second marriages over it. If you lack the self-awareness and impulse control to keep from trashing the LIFE you have built with your wife over the last 16 years in favor of someone you don't even really know, it would be kinder to divorce your wife and provide for her in the best way you are able until she is self-sufficient.

You are putting your wife through hell right now, and your only concern is not getting what you want. Don't sugarcoat it.

 

[Remnant]

Yes, actually. As well as a variety of fiction I have read the ethical slut, and gone through "more than 2" (website, I haven't read the physical book yet), paying particular attention to the relationship bill of rights, The section on rules and reasons, and all the information regarding mono/poly and secondary care. As well as talking to several friends that are or have been polyamorous.

"not getting what I want" Is far from my only concern. Yes, obviously it IS a concern, but currently all three of us (four including my gf husband) are suffering, considerably.

The initial failing was mine, no question, but since then I have attempted to act with self-awareness, impulse control, empathy, and consideration. Maybe I've failed.

I don't see a simple or easy or way to reduce the suffering and misery, and I came here because I could not find information or resources that seemed applicable to my situation. Maybe there is no way to make this situation work in the way I'd like it to. I'm still not ready to admit that. And neither is my wife.

I don't think I have the RIGHT to make that decision for her.

 

[Tinwen]

Thanks for listening.

I got quite emotional yesterday for you wife, but I feel for you too. I do agree with Powerpuffgirl that you are probably putting your wife through hell and not realizing the extent of it. But none of you three is in an easy situation.
If you're like me, needs and parts of yourself which have been buried for decades are coming up now - and it's not easy, and sometimes not wise, to hide them again. The question then is, if they can be fulfilled without causing pain all around.

We don't always act ethical. Ethics offers principals, but life is complex. The way to minimize suffering is sometimes not the commonly recommended one. It's not easy to see the long-term consequences of our actions though, and in a lot of cases the guidelines of ethics are useful.

If you choose your girlfriend in the end, I'm totally fine with it, although I think you should make every effort to help your wife transition into a more independent life.
I also think both of you would benefit from therapy, couples or individual.

I have some more things to say, that you might want to take into account.

First, there is a 'law of the strongest perceived need' , which I can't find described in English anywhere now. It basically sais, that what you feel you need the most, is not equal to what you really need most - it is your strongest unfulfilled need. The huge implication this has for decision-making stems from the fact, that we do not perceive needs, that are currently being met. You don't feel the need for breath or food unless being frustrated. Likewise, you don't miss a stable home until you loose it - and it takes conscious effort to realize that.
In addition to this effect, the more attainable a thing seems, the more we want it. Nobody wanted a smartphone 50 years ago - they didn't even know what it is. When you had no current interest, your need for poly was week and easy to hide. That is different now.

Some affirmation or reassurance that there MAY be a way forward that doesn't involve giving my wife full control over the situation would've been nice, but we don't always get what we want.

Second, remember how I told you that the decision has to be yours? Perceiving giving up the gf as giving over control to your wife is victim thinking. Whatever you do, try to do it to build something - to build your stable relationship with your wife or to build a polyamorous life for yourself with your gf. Even if you decide to bend to rules, you are still not giving up control - it is your decision to serve rules which have purpose.

Third, you wish badly it was possible to have a life with both women - and maybe there is a way. Shaya summed it up estimating the success rate is of order 1:100, but to rule it out is maybe closed minded. However, this will have to start by talking and listening to the people around you, and taking into account their real capacity.
You say you don't know how to help your wife 'get there'. Maybe your best shot is even letting the gf go for now and building a connection with her a year later. Maybe your best shot is counselling with your wife, listening carefully to what her needs are here. You know your situation (to some extent).

Last, I want to suggest you to do a visualisation which might help you decide. Define your possibilities and imagine your life a year (or any timeframe you choose) from now. Describe it in a journal perhaps. Be realistic. Then close your eyes and imagine yourself in each situation. You can put down pillows on the floor for each 'place' and sit on them to help you transition between situationsh. See how you feel.

Keep us posted, if you wish.

 

[anamikanon]

"not getting what I want" Is far from my only concern.

What are your other concerns? Could you state them?

The initial failing was mine, no question, but since then I have attempted to act with self-awareness, impulse control, empathy, and consideration. Maybe I've failed.

Yes, you have failed. I think you are so busy presenting your perspective that you have little focus left to absorb the inputs you are getting. From wife, girlfriend as well as here on the forum. We all like to imagine ourselves sensitive. But our belief is validated by real world input - particularly from the subject of our alleged sensitivity. A good test is whether the other person felt understood and helped by what you said or did. Another good test is whether they seem more relieved or frustrated than before you started talking. For that you actually have to notice the people as they are in the moment. As opposed to placeholders in your mind.

So far, your description of your actions and words have been such that they logically lead us to believe that your wife would be blindsided and traumatized and left with a devil's choice of whether she uproots the home she is raising children in and figures life out anew or whether she sacrifices her dignity and accepts your lack of care for her in return for being able to continue the rest of her life apart from you as it is. In either case, you appear to be part of a problem, not solution. Even though in your mind you have decided that reality has now changed because you deem it so and you are magnanimously helping her cope.

I don't see a simple or easy or way to reduce the suffering and misery, and I came here because I could not find information or resources that seemed applicable to my situation. Maybe there is no way to make this situation work in the way I'd like it to. I'm still not ready to admit that. And neither is my wife.

There is no way to make this situation work the way you'd like it to. It would be the rare human that accepts cheating, changes their whole view of what a relationship should be, forgives the dishonesty inherent in cheating AND reboots into a new reality assigned to them in a manner that also doesn't irritate you. Even if a person were willing, that kind of psychological trauma and disruption doesn't resolve overnight the way you impatiently seem to be expecting her to because you don't want the one you have your eyes on to get away.

Fact of life is we don't always get laid by everyone we are horny for. You are punishing your wife for it, because she's a soft target. Fact of life is the circumstances of your life were not favorable for it. And in spite of knowing you were polyamorous for YEARS, you had not bothered to make them favorable for YOUR interest. Now you're blaming everyone except yourself. Taking it out on your wife because you wish you were free to pursue the one you are besotted with. Yet the fact is that you yourself had done nothing to ensure that you would be free to pursue someone if you wished. You knew you were poly for years, but couldn't make the adjustment enough to admit it out loud to your wife for years. Now you expect her within months to accept the whole thing and that too without giving you a headache. It is the sort of behavior empowered women avoid like the plague in a man.

I don't think I have the RIGHT to make that decision for her.

Frankly, if I were in the place of your wife, you wouldn't have ANY rights on me by now. Not even to stand in front of me and talk to me if I didn't wish it.

 

[Shaya]

Hey Remnant,

Your thread is generating a lot of interest. It means you've spoken to our hearts and touched something in us that feels for you. Not many newbies on the forum get so many enthusiastic responses and as you can see, a lot of us have strong opinions, always flavoured by our own personal experiences and also by the experiences of others, like you, who have asked similar questions before you joined.

I'm actually surprised you're taking our advice on board and able to reflect back what we're saying. Most people who come here "asking" for advice just end up doing what they want anyway. Which is fine... not judging them. But you seem different. Despite the advice that runs counter to what you really want to hear, you're still able to reflect back what we're saying and I can see you're thinking hard about it. I really admire that. I really think it's hard to do what you're doing, or at least, i dont see it happening often so I presume its hard.

I really feel time is what you need. Pure simple time. I feel that a transition from monogamy to polyamory is most likely to succeed if it progresses at the rate of the slowest person. I think I got that idea from one of chapters in "more than two". I don't know anything about your wife, but it sounds like she may be able to do poly for you. In the future. Definitely not now. You're still young, presumably you have lived less than half your life. I feel you're likely to still meet tons of exciting new people if you go poly in future. No need to rush in with new gf. I presume shes not leaving town. Give it a few months or a year (*gasp* not what you want to hear, but bear with me please). Give it a few months or a year, quench that fear in you that the romance will die (many people say it doesn't- relationships tend to pick up where they left off. Remember, in monogamy, we have a time constraint where we have to find the best possible person, in the shortest possible time, then settle for life before someone snatches them up. In poly, there is no time limit. She'll always be there and given more time to prepare, you can potentially experience this new love with fewer complications).

So, if gf's not leaving town, and poly makes her available for life, and you want a lasting relationship with her... I think just wait. Time. I think you said her husband was also struggling. Even if you leave your wife for her, you're still going to have poly/affair issues to deal with between her and her husband presumably. Time will help him adjust. Time will help your wife adjust. Often, the excitement of a new relationship, coupled with maybe monogamy tendencies of feeling you need to grab romance now before it disappears, makes us want to act hastily. The penalty for acting hastily may be the loss of your wife, kids who then have divorced parents, and all the rest of it. I dont know if that matters. I may be assuming too much about your kids' ages. You may also find that if you leave your wife, her husband might suddenly feel a lot less secure in letting his wife date an "available" man. Dunno if that's the case. Just me thinking out loud.

In summary, I suggest trying to transition to poly at the rate of the slowest person. You'll get what you want, with less heartache, and you'll get a real chance to recreate a meaningful relationship with your wife in the meantime. The old monogamy relationship with your wife is dead as you said. Good luck with the new one. But take it slow. Build this new one with your wife now, then when it's healthy, add a second relationship. That would be my suggestion.

Good luck, Remnant, and keep us updated on how things turn out,
Shaya.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

If you started from the perspective that you love your wife and really want to make your relationship work while transitioning to poly, and that you are willing to pursue this at HER comfort level, you may have had a chance. But, you told her that you would give her (your wife) up if you couldn't have both.

In the BEST case scenario, the mono partner of a cheating (yes, cheating) spouse feels that they have no choice; they can either accept poly or they can walk. You flat-out TOLD her that was the case.

I believe that you have read the resources. I also believe that you have kind of skimmed over the passages that are screaming at you that NRE can make selfish jerks out of the best of us. No, your girlfriend is NOT your One True Love that you simply cannot live without. If she IS, she can wait while you really work on your relationship with your wife.

 

[Shaya]

A thread I started 1 day before you posted, with me trying to understand why polyamory with a V - shaped FMF seemed so rare compared to the V-shaped MFM.

A thread I started 1 week before you posted asking the more senior members on this forum on how newbies like you and me can handle NRE to limit it's impact on our existing relationships.

I dunno if that sort of stuff is interesting to you at the moment. Maybe the NRE thing might be. But hey, I think you and me are asking the same newbie questions, trying to figure this poly thing out after more than a decade of doing mono, on a background of a lifetime of mono conditioning. It's hard to change our thinking.

 

[Remnant]

Thanks for listening.

Thank you for coming back to what is obviously a difficult subject

If you choose your girlfriend in the end, I'm totally fine with it, although I think you should make every effort to help your wife transition into a more independent life.
I also think both of you would benefit from therapy, couples or individual.

Therapy is indeed a must. I've had difficulty locating local therapists that are..... useful. And yes, ongoing support is something I feel would be required.
However - If this is indeed where I end up....... I don't know.... how. I did in fact make the (for me) very difficult decision to choose my GF over my wife. I told my wife. I indicated our relationship was over, admitted full blame for it. And she chose to stay. She chose to remain with me, to begin a new non-monogamous relationship with me, while I was developing a relationship with this other woman. She was distressed by it, it made her unhappy, but she chose to stay, to "adjust", to "make it work". I'm...... unconvinced I have the obligation, responsibility or indeed right to...... decide FOR her that that's... unhealthy.

Perceiving giving up the gf as giving over control to your wife is victim thinking....... Even if you decide to bend to rules, you are still not giving up control - it is your decision to serve rules which have purpose.

Miscommunication here. It wasn't giving up the girlfriend that was "giving over control". Initially We specifically gave control to my wife in an attempt to proceed at a pace that would make her most comfortable. It was not a success. The rules that were instigated were arbitrary, inconsistent, and changed.... frequently"

 

[Remnant]

What are your other concerns? Could you state them?

No. I don't see the point. You've told me you don't see any reason to continue this discussion, yet you continue coming back to it. You've made your opinion of me and the situation perfectly clear so You're not really adding anything of value. I'm quite happy to take criticism, and I feel have I have from several other posters, But you've ceased to be.... helpful, constructive or even polite. Your "facts of life", are not facts, they're opinions. You have absolutely no obligation to engage with me in any way, but while other members are still engaging can you just give it a rest?????

I mean how is this helpful in any way beyond expressing your contempt (and yeah, I GOT it already).

Frankly, if I were in the place of your wife, you wouldn't have ANY rights on me by now. Not even to stand in front of me and talk to me if I didn't wish it.

 

[Remnant]

Hey Remnant,

Your thread is generating a lot of interest. It means you've spoken to our hearts and touched something in us that feels for you. Not many newbies on the forum get so many enthusiastic responses and as you can see, a lot of us have strong opinions, always flavoured by our own personal experiences and also by the experiences of others, like you, who have asked similar questions before you joined.

I'm actually surprised you're taking our advice on board and able to reflect back what we're saying. Most people who come here "asking" for advice just end up doing what they want anyway. Which is fine... not judging them. But you seem different. Despite the advice that runs counter to what you really want to hear, you're still able to reflect back what we're saying and I can see you're thinking hard about it. I really admire that. I really think it's hard to do what you're doing, or at least, i dont see it happening often so I presume its hard.

This..... Means a lot thanks, It was exactly the tone I needed.

I really feel time is what you need. Pure simple time. I feel that a transition from monogamy to polyamory is most likely to succeed if it progresses at the rate of the slowest person. I think I got that idea from one of chapters in "more than two". I don't know anything about your wife, but it sounds like she may be able to do poly for you. In the future. Definitely not now. You're still young, presumably you have lived less than half your life. I feel you're likely to still meet tons of exciting new people if you go poly in future. No need to rush in with new gf. I presume shes not leaving town. Give it a few months or a year (*gasp* not what you want to hear, but bear with me please). Give it a few months or a year, quench that fear in you that the romance will die

hmmmmm, yes. Time. I can't disagree. I'm impatient (so's the GF), not helpful here, we're both aware of it and attempting to deal with it. But time is an issue. Not so much because it HAS TO HAPPEN NOW, but........ I have no idea how much. I don't know what's........ reasonable. It isn't something you can put a deadline on, or ask for an estimate for, and I don't even know what progress looks like. I mean a week, or a month is clearly unreasonable, but........ very initial suggestions were that "poly would be something that could be embraced when we were in a different situation, 15-20y away when the kids have all left home and the mortgage is paid and...." And that's not "time", that's "no, but I can't say it". But there's a..... large gap between a week and 15y :/

Remember, in monogamy, we have a time constraint where we have to find the best possible person, in the shortest possible time, then settle for life before someone snatches them up. In poly, there is no time limit. She'll always be there and given more time to prepare, you can potentially experience this new love with fewer complications

THIS!!!! so much this. Hadn't..... internalised this.

Husband - Not an issue. His struggle is around the way he feels his wife has been treated by my wife. They've been poly for a while and he's (obviously) not impressed by my initial actions, but has expressed that my later conduct has been.... appropriate.