Mono and poly

D

dgillan

New member
Hey all,

I'm new to this site. I need some advice.

I have been with my partner for nearly a year. Before we got together, she told me that due to her past relationships, she didn't want to miss out on any opportunity that presented itself, including one night with a beautiful soul. It started out with her bisexual thoughts and just wanting to explore with a woman.

So now I feel ready for the moment she wants.

We have just got our own house together and started our life. We are engaged.

About 3 weeks ago, she met this guy who was backpacking through our town. She told me she had a big crush on him. He is also a dear friend of mine. We hang out all the time.

She asked me if she could kiss him. I said, "Of course." So, being a woman, she tried very hard to make it romantic. We all went to the beach one night, along with his friends that he is travelling with. My partner and he disappeared for a nice kiss.

At that moment, I didn't feel ready. I have a past that involves people I love leaving me, including my father, who cheated on my mother. I never really got over that. And I caught my ex-fiance kissing my best friend. I know this is my problem, but it is very hard for me.

That night they kissed, my partner didn't enjoy it, because I was on the beach and she was thinking about me. But she told me the next day that she wanted to explore sexually with him. My stomach went cold. I felt really upset. I was thinking that I was not good enough for her, that she had this need to sleep with this guy.

I did ask her to wait until I was ready, at the very beginning. But you can't help meeting these people in your life. She went out one night with him and they were lying on the beach. We are very honest with each other and tell each other everything. He asked her to stay on the beach that night, but she told him she'd promised to come to me that night.

When she came home, I was a mess. I felt so hurt and was crying all night. I've never felt this much pain before. The shit thing is, when I'm with someone for a long time, I can start to understand what they're thinking and doing. (She doesn't like that, by the way.) I told her that I was not ready, but at the same time, I told her to do it and get it over with.

So then there comes a third time to have this moment. That is what really upset me. She talks about living in the moment, which I understand, but she keeps wanting to see him.

That night he told her no, because of me. He doesn't want to hurt me. Even though she tells him that I'm ok, he still doesn't understand. She was really upset to realize that she missed out on an opportunity because of someone else. That's the whole reason why she wanted to live this way in the first place.

When she rang me and told me, that's when I knew she was falling in love with him. She told me that I was right.

The first time we go through something like this, it's happening the worst way for me. I know if I want to live this way (not poly, just being in the moment), I need to be thrown in the deep end. And that's what happened.

Now it is hard for me to see them together, knowing how she feels about him. Because she is honest, she did tell him how she felt. He told her that he doesn't feel that way, but we both know that he only said that to look after me and to look after himself.

Now we're starting to understand that she might be poly. But I can't live like that. I said that she needs to have some space to think if this is want she wants do. I know I can't do this now. I'm not ready yet. I haven't healed yet. I don't think the best way for me to heal is put me in the same situation.

I don't know what to do. I don't want her to go, but I can't live like this right now. She told me she doesn't want leave me, but she also can't miss another opportunity again.

We thought he was leaving soon, so I started to feel ok about the whole thing, knowing that nothing was going to happen now. But I just found out that he has decided to stay. Now I'm really worried that she might want to start seeing him.

If this is not for me, do I stand up and say, "No, I can't do this now?" Or should we find other people who understand us? We love each other so much. I know she will never leave me. But when she found out that she was in love with him, she spent a lot of time trying to make a choice.

Please help.
 
It sounds like letting her go is the only thing you can do if what you each want is completely incompatible. You can't force yourself to be ok with her constantly wanting the opportunity to have sex with any person she meets that might catch her fancy. She's refused to give you the time you requested, and she lied to the other guy about you being ok when she knew the truth was that you were devastated. A major part of successfully being poly is keeping the lines of communication open and being honest. She shouldn't have lied to your friend. It was doing a profound disservice to both you and him. You're feeling weird about him now and that's going to impact your friendship with him, and he should understand what's really going on.
 
I don't think you have to be thrown in the deep end. For some people, wading in the shallows first is the best approach. See if she willl take it slower and give you time to adjust. Let her know you are feeling insecure and just need to adjust to new feelings. Hopefully, she can respect that and let things proceed at a slower rate.
 
My two cents

I hate to ever see love fail. I wanna tell you to make it work, but that would be biased advice. Honestly, polyamory isn't for everyone, that much is clear.

What it takes to be that way, I don't know. People in the community are either this way by choice or by nature. I'm this way by nature, so I can't tell you how to make it work for you. But what I can do is tell you that it takes TRUST and HONESTY from both of you. You say you have it, but if you really had it, her being with him, or even loving him, wouldn't bother you. And maybe she doesn't have it either. I mean, she did lie. SHAME ON HER!

The key component you're missing needed to make polyamory work is SELF-ESTEEM. That's what makes you able to deal with it when she's out with another person. Self-esteem helps you KNOW that if she leaves you for someone else, it's got nothing to do with you. When she's out and you're home, self-esteem ensures you that she'll come back home and still love you more than anything. And if not, oh well, it's her loss.

It seems you're suffering from two problems here-- jealousy and your past. Jealousy stems mostly from a lack of self-esteem. And your past, well, you just gotta let that go. Don't let your past block your future. Keep it moving forward.

In closing, ask yourself this: what do you want more, monogamy or HER? If you want her more, then don't try to deal with this situation by acting on your emotions and leaving her. Seek out professional advice. Communicate MORE with her. Maybe pick up a book or two. I suggest "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. It helped me. Maybe it will help you.

Remember, give it time. Don't act on your emotions. Accept them, but don't act on them, at least not in this situation. I'd hate to see you miss out on a wonderful thing. I wish you the best.
 
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My partner never lied to anyone. She has been very honest with me and him. I did tell her that I don't think I'm ready, but at the same time, I did say it was ok.

I had a discussion with him. I let him know that I would learn from this and that it was ok. But when it was happening, that is when I realised I wasn't ready.

The only thing that I'm not ok with is that she fell in love with him. That's the only thing that upset me. I understand, like I said, about living in the moment, but there wasn't one moment

The love we have for each other is so strong. And we're in love with the idea of us, the dreams we have, the visions of our children, and the life we choose to live. But getting there is going to be hard.

The advice I am looking for is whether we should do this now, or wait.
 
dgillan said:
If this is not for me, do I stand up and say, "No, I can't do this now," or should we find other people who understand us?
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Stand up for what you want. Try to keep the best part of your friendship. Find people who are like you, so you can be fulfilled and loved the way you want to be. That's my advice.
 
Kraven said:
"The Ethical Slut"
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Sorry Kraven, but I strongly advise against this book. If someone is wired as monogamous, this book tends to read like a training manual for someone who wants to be promiscuous. Ethical or not, it reads "slut". I'm not the only mono person who found this book very disturbing.

Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol has a very good book called "Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits." I found this one much better in explaining poly.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
If someone is wired as mono, this book tends to read like a training manual for someone who wants to be promiscuous. Ethical or not, it reads "slut". I'm not the only monogamous person who found this book very disturbing.
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I bought it, and I'm stuck about halfway through. I'm having problems forcing myself to read any more of it. Perhaps it's because of our situation, in that we didn't know we were poly. We just fell in love and it felt right. We're not looking for advice on how to pick people up, or anything like that. It just seems, so far, that about 90% of the book doesn't apply to me/us.

My advice is: don't push yourself into something you're not comfortable with. You may never be, or you may just need some time, but don't force it. It may be normal to be a little upset if you think you're ready, and it hits you a little harder than you thought it would. But if you're THAT upset about it, maybe you need to think a little harder about what's best for you, and if you will be able to live happily with her being poly for the long term.
 
Thanks for everything, guys. We nearly broke up because we both want to be happy and live the life we want. But our love is too strong to leave each other.

We've decided to take each day as it comes. My partner only just found out that she could feel this way, so I guess we'll try harder to understand each other.

See, the way I feel is that I've been searching my whole life for my partner. And now that I have finally found her, I don't have a need to find something in someone else. She is perfect and I love her so much. She has everything I've ever wanted in a wife. So if this works and we let each other love each other the way we want, it's going to go one way with the poly. If I think I'm strong enough for this, then I'll do it.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
Sorry Kraven, but I strongly advise against this book. If someone is wired mono this book tends to read like a training manual for someone who wants to be promiscuous, ethical or not, it reads "slut". I'm not the only mono person who found this book very disturbing.
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I had no interest in reading this before, but the more I see you talk against it, the more curious I am to find out what the big deal is. I think I'll see if the library has it so I don't waste my money.
 
YGirl said:
I had no interest in reading this before, but the more I see you talk against it, the more curious I am to find out what the big deal is. I think I'll see if the library has it so I don't waste my money.
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My wife read it and she concluded that polyamory was mostly just about the sex. The focus of the book is general nonmonogamy, not polyamory. I liked it, but I think it can give a false impression of polyamory to someone new to the situation.
 
YGirl said:
I had no interest in reading this before, but the more I see you talk against it, the more curious I am to find out what the big deal is. I think I'll see if the library has it so I don't waste my money.
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Interestingly enough, the poly people I know seem to enjoy this book so your take will probably be different than mine. I guess it's because the whole concept goes against my wiring. If I gave a book about how to be an ethical monogamist to those in my poly community, it's likely how they would respond.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
Interestingly enough, the poly people I know seem to enjoy this book so your take will probably be different than mine. I guess it's because the whole concept goes against my wiring. Just as if I gave a book about how to be a ethical monogamist to those in my poly community would likely respond.
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You should already know that I'm not "like" the OTHER poly people! :p

I just want to (try to) read it myself and formulate my own opinion, rather than saying "Most of the poly people liked the book so I probably agree with them because I agree with them about other things". When I was in my teens and 20's, I used to take on new ideas and then look for ways to validate or justify them. As I near the end of my 30's, I find myself exploring and validating new ideas and views BEFORE I take them on. It's the same way with new people. I used to LOOOOOVE everyone UNTIL they did something unworthy; now that love or like needs to be earned FIRST.

A book can be poorly written or well written regardless of the topic, and one does not HAVE to agree with the author's point of view in order to make reading the book worthwhile.

In any case, I have requisitioned it from the library so I'll let you know what I think when I know what I think and not a moment sooner. Oh, but all you empaths out there will let ME know first!
 
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