mono person with two partners
- Thread starter mnply
- Start date
How well do they get along, your guys? Y'all hang out together much? Would you like too?
To me your sounding like it's just your anxiety.. Nothing to do with your guys or the relationship style you like/have.
Just my 2cents
Good luck
There is not too much communication between them, there were some attempts to hang out together but it felt rather artificial... They met just once by themselves and actually both said it was nice, but then it wasn't continued.
I think that it might be both, if there was no anxiety it would be easier to adjust to the style of the relationship, from the other hand if the style of the relationship wouldn't produce so much tension then it would be easier to deal with the anxiety...
I very much get where you are mnply. I have found the paradigm shift difficult and painful. Our romantic culture is so built around "one great love" it was very hard to figure out how to even think about how I could be in love with two people.
It was lucky for me that neither of my guys has ever thought of himself as a jealous person. Most of the trouble has come from my ideals about relationships. I have often been unhappy at not being able to give Ray the undivided attention Tam got for years when it was just us two. Ray keeps saying he is okay but still it just seems not right. On the other side I worry that Tam will feel I am not giving him enough or the same kind of attention Ray gets. He also says he is basically fine. I may have just inheirited a guilt gene from the jewish side of my family.
We have all ended up living together for the last year and a half which has made things easier on me though the loud extrovert and the quiet loving introvert have some trouble coping with each other at times. My guys have geek hobbies in common and enjoy hanging out together on a regular basis but any slightly emotional situation involving them both can be difficult as one feels steamrollered and the other feels rejected.
So far we have found that the three of us together work better than Tam and I alone. I suspect a big part is that I get different emotional and intellectual support from each. This splits the load for them and gives me the stability to help them through their often extreme moods.
I hope this helps you know you are not alone.
Leetah
It was lucky for me that neither of my guys has ever thought of himself as a jealous person. Most of the trouble has come from my ideals about relationships. I have often been unhappy at not being able to give Ray the undivided attention Tam got for years when it was just us two. Ray keeps saying he is okay but still it just seems not right. On the other side I worry that Tam will feel I am not giving him enough or the same kind of attention Ray gets. He also says he is basically fine. I may have just inheirited a guilt gene from the jewish side of my family.
We have all ended up living together for the last year and a half which has made things easier on me though the loud extrovert and the quiet loving introvert have some trouble coping with each other at times. My guys have geek hobbies in common and enjoy hanging out together on a regular basis but any slightly emotional situation involving them both can be difficult as one feels steamrollered and the other feels rejected.
So far we have found that the three of us together work better than Tam and I alone. I suspect a big part is that I get different emotional and intellectual support from each. This splits the load for them and gives me the stability to help them through their often extreme moods.
I hope this helps you know you are not alone.
Leetah
Hey Leetah,
it's great that you found a way to live together, it has to make things much easier and comfortable for you, and it's amazing that your partners get along!
I can imagine that it generates other kind of problems, seems to be very different dynamics then living with just one person.
I also struggled with the guilt a lot, even after the jealousy crisis with the partner 1 had ended. I'm not exactly sure what's the source of it. I come from very religious country but never been religious myself, so maybe it's some sort of unconscious osmosis lol. It also seems to be connected to a feeling of "beeing not enough", which I think is the main no-go if you wanna even consider beeing in a poly relationship and feel safe and happy. I'm actually a sort of grateful that this situation is allowing me to discover a lot about myself, and opens up a possibility of happier, more authentic life, independently from what's exactly going to happen with the relationship situation.
it's great that you found a way to live together, it has to make things much easier and comfortable for you, and it's amazing that your partners get along!
I can imagine that it generates other kind of problems, seems to be very different dynamics then living with just one person.
I also struggled with the guilt a lot, even after the jealousy crisis with the partner 1 had ended. I'm not exactly sure what's the source of it. I come from very religious country but never been religious myself, so maybe it's some sort of unconscious osmosis lol. It also seems to be connected to a feeling of "beeing not enough", which I think is the main no-go if you wanna even consider beeing in a poly relationship and feel safe and happy. I'm actually a sort of grateful that this situation is allowing me to discover a lot about myself, and opens up a possibility of happier, more authentic life, independently from what's exactly going to happen with the relationship situation.
anamikanon
New member
Congratulations! You are in the lucky position of having a poly problem that you can pretty much solve (at least temporarily) on your own, without depending on anyone.
If you are certain you aren't cut out for poly, ditch one of the two guys (or both) and settle back to monogamy. That takes care of your discomfort with the two relationships. If your partner finds someone else, you can assess whether you are ok with him being poly or whether you need to dump him and find someone monogamous. I suspect if you are monogamous but you weren't as averse to poly as to completely refuse it, once your stress of being in a poly relationship when you didn't want to be is removed, you may find the acceptance for a partner to be poly - or you may not. That is a bridge to cross later, but first you can fix at least a big chunk of the problem immediately relevant to you completely on your own, so to say, with a well considered decision.
This post assumes that you are speaking with a good level of self awareness when you claim to be mono in spite of being in a poly relationship with two people whom you seem to get along fine with otherwise.
On completely stray note: I totally get that feeling of wanting to focus on one relationship. I identify as poly, but live so much in my head that for a while I preferred being single, then Spexy infiltrated my "fortress" and I still am not looking for anyone else.... because I just need the mental space. A relationship takes a lot of bandwidth.
If you are certain you aren't cut out for poly, ditch one of the two guys (or both) and settle back to monogamy. That takes care of your discomfort with the two relationships. If your partner finds someone else, you can assess whether you are ok with him being poly or whether you need to dump him and find someone monogamous. I suspect if you are monogamous but you weren't as averse to poly as to completely refuse it, once your stress of being in a poly relationship when you didn't want to be is removed, you may find the acceptance for a partner to be poly - or you may not. That is a bridge to cross later, but first you can fix at least a big chunk of the problem immediately relevant to you completely on your own, so to say, with a well considered decision.
This post assumes that you are speaking with a good level of self awareness when you claim to be mono in spite of being in a poly relationship with two people whom you seem to get along fine with otherwise.
On completely stray note: I totally get that feeling of wanting to focus on one relationship. I identify as poly, but live so much in my head that for a while I preferred being single, then Spexy infiltrated my "fortress" and I still am not looking for anyone else.... because I just need the mental space. A relationship takes a lot of bandwidth.
Hey, anamikanon, thanks for your opinion, it looks like everyone is saying the same thing which is a very strong wake up call for me.
I struggle a lot trying to make a decision, as I developed strong feelings to both guys and I don't want to act impulsively and regret it later. It doesn't look good though.
I don't know if I could go back to no.1 (we're "separated" at this moment). We share a lot and have a lot in common, but I'm still extremely angry on him and I think that my anger is a defence mechanism telling me that he simply can't be trusted. He might be declaring now that he possibly could be in a monoamorous relationship with me, but I'm afraid that it's mostly because he's scared of losing me and would most probably go back to the old habits rather sooner than later. Which is ok because its' who he is, but I don't wanna feel constantly hurt and terrified anymore.
I can also already see that the relationship no. 2 rather won't survive this change. It's not important for him to have other partners, but besides that, mine and his relationship needs are drastically different. It looks like I was able to ignore or deal with those differences only in the context of polyamory and having some of them provided in the other relationship. They concern very basic stuff, like the need of living / spending time together and the sex drive. He's super independent and would be happy seeing me just once or twice a week and having sex 3-4 times a month. Unfortunately both is way too little for me, I can already see how frustrated it would be in a long run. Of course the sexual and emotional needs could be outsourced outside of the relationship again but then hey, welcome back to poly There are also other things that makes me anxious. EDIT: One thing in particular - he told me some time ago that "he's not attacted to weakness" and that he lost sexual and emotional interest in his ex when the ex went through depression. This scares shit out of me when I'm thinking about it, I guess that both in poly and mono, there's something wrong with this kind of attitude?
I also generally think that I decided to open up myself to poly first of all because of the fear of loss, but also just because I was unhappy with 1. And I really don't want to repeat the same shit again...
I struggle a lot trying to make a decision, as I developed strong feelings to both guys and I don't want to act impulsively and regret it later. It doesn't look good though.
I don't know if I could go back to no.1 (we're "separated" at this moment). We share a lot and have a lot in common, but I'm still extremely angry on him and I think that my anger is a defence mechanism telling me that he simply can't be trusted. He might be declaring now that he possibly could be in a monoamorous relationship with me, but I'm afraid that it's mostly because he's scared of losing me and would most probably go back to the old habits rather sooner than later. Which is ok because its' who he is, but I don't wanna feel constantly hurt and terrified anymore.
I can also already see that the relationship no. 2 rather won't survive this change. It's not important for him to have other partners, but besides that, mine and his relationship needs are drastically different. It looks like I was able to ignore or deal with those differences only in the context of polyamory and having some of them provided in the other relationship. They concern very basic stuff, like the need of living / spending time together and the sex drive. He's super independent and would be happy seeing me just once or twice a week and having sex 3-4 times a month. Unfortunately both is way too little for me, I can already see how frustrated it would be in a long run. Of course the sexual and emotional needs could be outsourced outside of the relationship again but then hey, welcome back to poly
There are also other things that makes me anxious. EDIT: One thing in particular - he told me some time ago that "he's not attacted to weakness" and that he lost sexual and emotional interest in his ex when the ex went through depression. This scares shit out of me when I'm thinking about it, I guess that both in poly and mono, there's something wrong with this kind of attitude?I also generally think that I decided to open up myself to poly first of all because of the fear of loss, but also just because I was unhappy with 1. And I really don't want to repeat the same shit again...
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Yes I think so. Although I think it depends on the actions. Loosing sex drive with a depressed person... would be rather normal, because the depressed person looses her sex drive and spark. Even loosing romantic love... one partner's depression will lead to a dry spell in the relationship, as he's not able to hold up his part in it, and the other becomes a care giver. However closeness, compassion, understanding should be able to carry a longterm relationship over it for an extended period of time (not forever). And if this is an all encompassing attitude of adoring strength and not being able to support in weak moments, that seems immature to me and a tall order to fill. You can't be always strong.
Hmmm, he also told me in the last week, when I was having extremely difficult time because of the separaton with 1, that he doesn't perceive me now as his boyfriend, but as someone who needs help but it's fine because it's temporary. And he was super supportive besides that, but this kind of statement seems to be extremely weird and unsettling. It also somehow harmonises with his views on people in need in general, which are surprisingly different from his generally leftist political approach...
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Shaya
New member
I feel that your concerns about #2 are certainly well founded. I'd be cautious hinging any long term relationship there. Even if you went with #2, he strikes me as one who prioritises himself above others, except whilst in NRE. He will probably do anything for the person of his affections.
There's an exercise that I don't know if you will find helpful. Ester Perrell pointed out that in marriage counselling, she will very often hear couples complain, "I am not getting what I need in this marriage." She very rarely or never hears people ask themselves what they are giving to their marriage. It was an eye opener for me. I think it's true that most people enter a relationship wondering what the relationship will give them. Very few ask themselves what they give to the relationship.
Maybe try that exercise with both your partners.
There's an exercise that I don't know if you will find helpful. Ester Perrell pointed out that in marriage counselling, she will very often hear couples complain, "I am not getting what I need in this marriage." She very rarely or never hears people ask themselves what they are giving to their marriage. It was an eye opener for me. I think it's true that most people enter a relationship wondering what the relationship will give them. Very few ask themselves what they give to the relationship.
Maybe try that exercise with both your partners.
Damn, so I decided to talk with #2 and confront him with my doubts and fears. And the result is that I'm totally shocked. He admitted that he lied to me when he told me that was super ok with poly, as what he longs for in a long run is definitely something close to mono, and that he also lied when at some point of our relationship he told me that he wouldn't leave me if he fall in love with someone who could be a good mono partner for him. He said that he did it because of love and because of being afraid of losing me. And indeed, he would have lost me, as it was my biggest fear and concern when the relationship started to develop. Otherwise I absolutely wouldn't have taken that risk. Now I'm extremely confused. From one hand I fell really grateful to know the truth, as it explains A LOT of my fears and why I wasn't able to successfully deal with them. They weren't irrational, they were simply indicating a real and very substantial problem. From the other hand I feel totally betrayed. That decision raises a lot of questions of what else he could possibly do just to keep me next to him, and it seems to be another indicator of strong self-centeredness...
Shaya
New member
I agree with your assessment of your situation, mnply. I feel sorry for you. It's a big emotional investment you've put in. This really sucks.
It looks to me like the situation is leading to a break up. You don't want polyamory. Your partner's don't want polyamory. Nobody wants polyamory. Partner #1 wants monogamy with you out of fear of losing you, but you fear monogamy will not be a lifelong choice of his. Partner #2 wants monogamy with you but seems to change his story to suit the situation. Perhaps you fear he is self centered and may choose himself in future or perhaps you feel he is just saying the right thing now so that you will pick him?
In the end, you came to this forum saying you couldn't do poly with both of them and now you're wondering if you can do monogamy with either. It sucks. I've got no advice for you, but feel free to keep bouncing your ideas off us. Your decisions and analysis of the situation so far has been really solid. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and if you choose to stay on polyamory.com, I can totally see you helping others with advise in the future.
Good luck,
Shaya.
It looks to me like the situation is leading to a break up. You don't want polyamory. Your partner's don't want polyamory. Nobody wants polyamory. Partner #1 wants monogamy with you out of fear of losing you, but you fear monogamy will not be a lifelong choice of his. Partner #2 wants monogamy with you but seems to change his story to suit the situation. Perhaps you fear he is self centered and may choose himself in future or perhaps you feel he is just saying the right thing now so that you will pick him?
In the end, you came to this forum saying you couldn't do poly with both of them and now you're wondering if you can do monogamy with either. It sucks. I've got no advice for you, but feel free to keep bouncing your ideas off us. Your decisions and analysis of the situation so far has been really solid. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and if you choose to stay on polyamory.com, I can totally see you helping others with advise in the future.
Good luck,
Shaya.
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anamikanon
New member
Good news is that you still have the power of choice, even if the options are not dazzling.
Anger can also be a protective mechanism when the stakes are too high. You don't trust him right now. He has the power to hurt you. So the anger protects you by letting you lash out first. It could mean that you can't trust or respect him anymore and you are done. It can also mean that you'd rather have distance than risk hurt again. Only you know what you want.
I would like to add that this is a period of turmoil, so not a good time to be taking a call on a longer term relationship. A cooling down/trial period may help. You can ask for space from one or both to process what you are going through. You can also make a "temporary" decision to break or come together with one or both. Since you are already separated, it is not urgent to make it permanent in either direction with #1 though obviously you can't postpone it indefinitely.
This sounds normal for a relationship after turmoil and if he is committed to changework, can end well or you can end up separating. It may be useful to talk things through about broken trust, things that hurt you and so on and see how interested he seems in working on resolving those problems.
This seems to make you uneasy about the man being a good fit for you at all. If you are looking at monogamy and he's thinking of seeing you only once or twice a week, it may not be what you had expected. Sex drive matching is probably more important in a monogamous couple, where you are not able to adjust relationships with other partners to meet your needs. Losing interest in a depressed ex + telling you about it is a big flag.
On the whole you sound like you'd be better off without #2.
Also, there is no rule that says you have to choose #1 or #2. You could dump them both, take a break and seek someone you really like.
Anger can also be a protective mechanism when the stakes are too high. You don't trust him right now. He has the power to hurt you. So the anger protects you by letting you lash out first. It could mean that you can't trust or respect him anymore and you are done. It can also mean that you'd rather have distance than risk hurt again. Only you know what you want.
I would like to add that this is a period of turmoil, so not a good time to be taking a call on a longer term relationship. A cooling down/trial period may help. You can ask for space from one or both to process what you are going through. You can also make a "temporary" decision to break or come together with one or both. Since you are already separated, it is not urgent to make it permanent in either direction with #1 though obviously you can't postpone it indefinitely.
This sounds normal for a relationship after turmoil and if he is committed to changework, can end well or you can end up separating. It may be useful to talk things through about broken trust, things that hurt you and so on and see how interested he seems in working on resolving those problems.
I can also already see that the relationship no. 2 rather won't survive this change. It's not important for him to have other partners, but besides that, mine and his relationship needs are drastically different. It looks like I was able to ignore or deal with those differences only in the context of polyamory and having some of them provided in the other relationship. They concern very basic stuff, like the need of living / spending time together and the sex drive. He's super independent and would be happy seeing me just once or twice a week and having sex 3-4 times a month. Unfortunately both is way too little for me, I can already see how frustrated it would be in a long run. Of course the sexual and emotional needs could be outsourced outside of the relationship again but then hey, welcome back to poly
I also generally think that I decided to open up myself to poly first of all because of the fear of loss, but also just because I was unhappy with 1. And I really don't want to repeat the same shit again...
This seems to make you uneasy about the man being a good fit for you at all. If you are looking at monogamy and he's thinking of seeing you only once or twice a week, it may not be what you had expected. Sex drive matching is probably more important in a monogamous couple, where you are not able to adjust relationships with other partners to meet your needs. Losing interest in a depressed ex + telling you about it is a big flag.
On the whole you sound like you'd be better off without #2.
Also, there is no rule that says you have to choose #1 or #2. You could dump them both, take a break and seek someone you really like.
It's so ironic, isn't it?
Writing on this forum was really very helpful to synthesise the things, also all the compassion and understanding which I got here are extremely important for me and make it easier to deal with the whole situation.
Reading other threads and resources is also helpful, as I believe that many things about relationships are universal, and apply both to the poly and the mono world. People involved in poly seem to be often more conscious about many mechanisms though, as the form of the relationship is not taken for granted. I would love to find a way to get back what I received here when the things will settle down.
I guess that time will show if the relationship with #1 is possible to recover... I'm doubtful but cannot just forget about almost 7 years of being together.
I'm starting to think the same way. I'm actually surprised how was it even possible to be blind on so many things. Seems to be the irrational power of NRE, I've never experienced it as strongly as in this case actually.