Mono/Poly Marriage on the Rocks

[DarknessHeart23]

Me and my wife have been together since I met her back in my high school years. 11 years of marriage, two kids, and unfortunately a rough marriage through the whole of it since we started a family when the economy hit its down swing and no one was hiring. Even now struggling to make ends meet with my small paychecks.

My personal issue I think is that she started a relationship behind my back with my BF from high school without telling me. I found out about it, felt betrayal unlike any before. And countless times feeling she couldn't be tied to one person but not really mentioning feeling she is poly to me, kept telling me the relationship wasn't working and she just wanted to end it.

This happened quite often, eventually she got pregnant with our first child and we got married. I'll admit I'm not perfect, I'm anything but. I've dozed off in bed when she started crying over stress from life itself so instead of comforting her I just slept since we were in bed, in the middle of the night and the lights were off. Despite my desire to stay awake, it happened repeatedly and now she feels she can't turn to me for comfort which makes me feel like a bastard.

Regarding not feeling like she isn't enough for her husband, I'll tell you what, my wife definitely made me feel that way. In a fit of anger at me she told me she hasn't been happy at all or satisfied for the whole 11 years we've been together and that I don't sexually satisfy her. Mind you the reason she was pissed at me is because we got in a fight over her going out and and hanging out with a friend of hers and I just ripped into her how I don't want to be around her.

Though she had calmed down about it for a time, she feels I am not letting her have any friends, that I'm forcing her to be alone with no one to talk to but me so she cut the friend off and raged at me for it even though I retracted my veto on the subject. But she refuses to uncut him from the no-talk/no-hang out list. In all of this she blames me and tells me that she did it to make me happy but it doesn't so her being miserable isn't making me happy and her being happy doesn't make me happy.

MIND YOU! The reason I raged against it is because the friend she wants to go out and hang out with, away from me for a while is the Ex-BF she cheated on me behind my back with. Says he has changed, he just wants to be friends. Mind you, he wants nothing to do with me. Won't talk to me peacefully, won't come over and hang out with her at the house. No he wants to meet her somewhere else, away from any location I might be near. She claims he is afraid of me, afraid I'll attack him. Despite my having stated I won't. Apparently he can change but I can't because I had a blow up fit over her going off at night to be with my EX-BF.

Not entirely sure if I'm in the wrong for how I acted about her going out and seeing him, which she has done before without my having truly a problem, though every time she comes back from visiting him, she says I look and act like I'm pissed off even if I'm sitting there just watching t.v. or playing a video game. I've done self checks emotionally and physically and don't see where she thinks I'm feeling like this but it is her claim and I can't argue with her on it.

I dunno, I want this relationship to work. She won't divorce me she says because she doesn't want the kids to blame themselves so she said she'd rather just be miserable with me than find happiness elsewhere. What I'm getting at is yes it has taken me a while in this marriage to work out a lot of my bad habits, but it feels like I'm doing all the work. I tell her I'm willing to move on beyond hatred and work to misunderstanding, and all she says is nope, she's already cut her only friend off. I've tried telling her that it isn't that I just want her to myself, that she can have friends, I just am against HIM specifically. But she doesn't see it that way, can't understand why I won't acknowledge that my EX-BF only wants to be friends.

Am I in the wrong? I know it isn't usually about right or wrong but this honestly feels like a situation where the emotional comfortability factor plays a huge role. She doesn't seem to want to try to find friends anywhere else, just have him and since I have had multiple negative responses to her going out and seeing him to hang out, she feels like I've caged her.

I could really use some advice where to go from here because she doesn't believe there is anything to salvage, mind you just recently with her opening up about being poly, I've worked on accepting it and she found a girl she really liked. They both asked for my permission separately and the girl said she would respect my wishes if I was against it. I gave the green light as I appreciated being kept in the loop and them agreeing to not make me feel a third wheel in the relationship. It didn't work out between them in the end sadly despite my positive support for it.

The sum of all my problems rest with the simple fact, she wants to hang around this guy that I felt she betrayed me with, knows my feelings on the subject and I've even told her it is not her that I don't trust. It is him I don't trust. Even so, because I before have forbid her to see him, we are in this slump in my rocky marriage. Last time I realized that I'm just sick of the fighting and told her to go see him and hang out if she wants, that I'm done fighting over it. That I'm done arguing about it, that I want her to be happy just as I am happy with having her at my side. Even so, she now refuses because she "already cut him off" even though he is still trying to talk to her, she just won't respond to him.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am so sorry you deal in this. I hope you feel better for the vent.

I think it is reasonable to have him on your “messy people” list and not to want to deal in him. She cheated with him in the past. You have been clear that you don't mind her having friends, or Opening the marriage if she communicates up front. It's this one dude you don't like. Fair enough.

I might be wrong in my guess... but I guess this guy is just the current flavor of an older topic.

I think the deeper issue is an ongoing pattern where she won't take personal responsibility for her choices and passes the buck on to you.

• She cut him off to “make you happy.” And takes it way too far. Rather than seek other friends if the goal is more friends... she holds herself in self imposed “isolation” so she can hold it over your head that YOU make her feel yucky. Rather than she is cutting off her nose to spite her face.

• During the fight she says she's not been happy for 11 years. The implied is that you stink for not being a mind reader. When SHE could have spoken up sooner.

She sounds like she has got some social anxiety and some weird thinking/weird behavior that she is not willing to address. Is she often emotional disregulated? Is that what makes the marriage rocky? Up and down and up and down with her? Is it depression? She doesn't sound like healthy person to me.

I could really use some advice where to go from here because she doesn't believe there is anything to salvage

She doesn't think there is anything about the marriage to salvage. But will not divorce because …

• She doesn't want the kids to blame themselves (<-- She never thinks the kids overhear these rocky fights and blame themselves for THOSE? )

• She says she rather be miserable with you than find happiness elsewhere. (<-- That's messed up!)

Well... She's free to choose her misery if that's how she wants to spend the rest of her life.

But what about YOU? You are also free to choose how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Right now you feel stuck in a one sided relationship where you do all the work. Well, you ARE in a relationship where it sounds like you do all the work. Are YOU happy here? Are you wanting to divorce her if she doesn't get health care?

That's what I would do. Set some limits.

• I would calmly state what I have observed over the years -- this emotional up and down rocky thing -- and ask her to get checked out for depression or whatever causes these emotional up and downs. (Ask her to take personal responsibility for her own health.)
• I would offer to attend marriage counseling to help get communication back on track. (Do my part and ask her to do her part in the shared responsibility of tending to the marriage.)

But if she's not willing to PARTICIPATE in tending to her own health care or in helping to tend the shared marriage? Doesn't take personal responsibility and does not hold up her ends of the sticks? I would accept she's already checked out in all but legalities. Then I would call it quits myself. I'd get out.

• I would file the divorce and complete the legalities. Quick, fair, and peaceful as possible.
• I'd provide support for her, but would seek custody of the kids.
• I would move out.
• I'd set her free to find her happiness on her own and set me free to find my happiness on my own.

11 years of this kind of unhealthy, draining relationship would be too much for me. I wouldn't want the kids dealing with that on their own.

I do not have to choose to continue with someone who...

• Doesn't want to participate in building a healthy marriage and I do all the work.
• Doesn't want to participate in tending to her own health care.
• Doesn't even really want to be married to me but stays because enables her to avoid taking responsibility for her life and its direction like she would have to do if she were divorced and single.

I can continue provide things in the form of divorce support and not have to BE there any more in this slow drain thing. Staying there living with her for the rest of my life doesn't sound healthy for MY mental health. I'd step aside and get off the sinking ship. I don't have to sink too.

That is me. You are you. You have to figure out your path.

This situation sounds terrible. I really am sorry. Keep your wits about you though and be firm on your boundaries as you figure out next steps for yourself.

Galagirl

 

[PinkPig]

I agree with galagirl. Life is too short to spend it miserable! As for the kids, from experience I can say that sometimes it really is more damaging to the kids in the long-term to stay together, then to divorce. Our children learn a lot about how romantic relationships work, from us. If all they see modeled is unhealthy, unhappy, contentious relationships, that's what they'll learn and likely choose as adults. Instead, if they see parents who are willing to seek out peace and happiness, they will learn to seek out peace and happiness. Just my 2 cents.

 

[DarknessHeart23]

Yes she does suffer from depression, though not clinically diagnosed. A lot of our problems I feel stems from the simple fact that we've gone from living with her parents to living with mine, with both of our kids. Even with both of us working near full time hours, we can't find anyplace that we could afford to even pay rent and have the space required. As I said before things were good and then the economy kind of crashed beneath our feet when we were starting up a family.

She feels like I haven't bothered to change all that much if at all. She just wants to have him as a friend and I suppose if I can get through my insecurities with him that I wouldn't mind it. When I did know him, before that whole mess happened between them, he really was a good guy at heart I'd like to believe. Though he did have a bad habit of seducing other girls who were already in a relationship, even heard he seduced a married woman after I broke off contact with him. Not sure why I thought that he'd respect my relationship but I did and that didn't end well.

I feel like I should stay in the relationship, yes I hate the thought of being alone. Yes I hate the idea of tearing apart the family. But when she isn't pissed off and saying things like that to me, I see her smile, I see her look happy. I mean we just went out for dinner and a movie recently, unplanned seeing as our original plans didn't work out so we opted for that instead of just calling the night quits. We had a blast, great food, shared our dinners. Even cuddled in the movie theater while watching The Last Witch Hunter. And she was the one who initiated the cuddling.

It is for reasons like that, that I feel there is hope for the relationship. Because in her time of anger, she lashes out at me and I'm the problem. But outside of these repeated moments of anger, things like that happen. Perhaps it is just that in times when she is angry, she can't see anything except the negatives in our relationship?

 

[GalaGirl]

he did have a bad habit of seducing other girls who were already in a relationship, even heard he seduced a married woman after I broke off contact with him. Not sure why I thought that he'd respect my relationship but I did and that didn't end well.

Once someone loses my trust and respect I'm not being insecure about that person. They have been untrustworthy. He's made NO effort to repair anything with you. Even if he wanted to repair -- you don't have to want to just because he does. I don't think you have to change your opinion of him. There have been no new efforts or new facts. There's only been your wife's judgement of him. Besides, it's over. She cut him off. Do nothing. If she tries to bring it up -- say no. You don't want to talk about him any more. You are happy to talk about her making new friends elsewhere.

You could also take a step back. I wonder if you are actually voting "no confidence" in her ability to exercise good character judgement and her emotional management ability because of HER past behavior and not so much him? And you don't trust this recent "nice date" mood to last? You are moving to tension building stage?

I mean we just went out for dinner and a movie recently...

I mean this kindly ok?

These "bright spots" are not enough to sustain a healthy marriage if the "main soundtrack" is depression, rage, and emotional up and down.

To me it all sounds awfully close to the cycle of abuse. She blew up. She felt bad. She gave you a "nice date." You felt good... til you start walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion of anger. Tension building stage. Over time it cycles back around and the explosions get bigger.

It is for reasons like that, that I feel there is hope for the relationship. Because in her time of anger, she lashes out at me and I'm the problem. But outside of these repeated moments of anger, things like that happen.

You seem to want to see it like the main soundtrack is happiness, and there's moments of anger explosion. You are there. What does it really lean more toward right now? If you cannot tell, start writing bright spots and explosions down on the calendar. Over time the calendar will tell you what it actually is.

Either way? I think she could work to express her anger appropriately rather than blowing up at you. That's not a good way to treat one's spouse. That behavior of hers ADDS to the problems here, not TAKE AWAY. It is challenging enough to be living with parents and kids and trying to save money to move to a place of your own. But if she doesn't like taking personal responsibility for her behavior, it's not looking likely that she will update her anger management/expression skills.

I still think she could benefit from a doctor dx. She's wonky sounding and you sound unhappy living with wonky. I wish I could think of a nicer way to say that. But it just sounds messed up to me.

Again, I am sorry you deal in this. What is your desired outcome?

Galagirl

 

[DarknessHeart23]

Yeah that sounds about right... The cycle of abuse thing at least. She didn't exactly have a nice childhood, was forced to abandon the whole concept of being a little girl and take on the role of taking care of her older and younger sister while her dad worked and her mother slept all day on prescription pain killers on a daily basis.

But my main thoughts on the subject of him, yes he has a history of bad choices but he was also a hormonal teenage guy back in high school. The pretty boy that girls wanted and I think he played to that. I'd like to think people can change and grow up out of such behaviors one they hit the real world beyond high school.

Maybe he is afraid of me like she says which is why he doesn't want to talk to me? Lord knows I could lay him out and cause some severe harm considering my previous combat training. I think I really would like to make this work between she and I.

I can handle the depression, let it roll off my back and what not. Hell I suppose I wouldn't even care if she started up another relationship with some other guy seeing as she has assured me previously, multiple times, that it isn't about the sex she is looking for in a poly relationship, she just wants someone else she can communicate with. Someone else who has similar interests as she does.

I mean sure we're about as opposite as you can come. I love watching t.v. and movies, she loves reading books. She likes playing games like SIMS, I'm a PS3/Nintendo kind of guy. She's a bit of a recluse and I'm able to walk up to a total stranger and strike up a conversation, like going out while she would rather stay inside.

But... Despite her previous claim that we have nothing in common, I can name a few things right here without even thinking about it. We both love to cook, both love anime, both love role play in the RPG sort, not the bedroom sort. We share similar interests in books when I decide to actually pick up a book series and let myself get lost in it.

On another point of the subject in poly/mono relationships. Is there anyone here that is the mono half of it that might be willing to talk to me? I'm still fresh with all of this and I think it'd probably be best if I get the views and feelings from both halves of the spectrum. And honestly I know she can talk to me about her problems, but since we're living with relatives who like to get involved in our conversations, it makes it really hard to actually talk things out before they reach the explosion period.

 

[GalaGirl]

Yeah that sounds about right... The cycle of abuse thing at least.

I do not think polyamory will solve this. I think if you identify with the cycle... you considering polyamory and considering "making nice" with the former friend who she cheated with is you in tension building stage. Trying to placate or appease her so there won't be a new explosion.

I think this problem is bigger than internet people help. I think you might need to turn to professional help and see a counselor. I know money is tight in your situation. Do you live near a college? Sometimes they offer counseling programs that are sliding scale or cheaper because students are providing the care. Maybe that's something to look at?

Is this something you could ask you parents for financial help with? Getting you access to a counselor?

You are not "insecure" sounding to me. Your situation is stressful and not stable/peaceful sounding.

Would her living with her parents and you with yours for a break help de-escalate things? Where are they?

Galagirl

 

[DarknessHeart23]

Fraid not on all accounts. Her parents have no room now, they didn't really have the room when we lived there. We're in a better situation now than we were before at her parents. There we were arguing almost constantly and now we have at least the break periods. I think that if we could just openly talk things out, then we wouldn't have the explosions. That is honestly all a counselor would do I think, just try to get us to open up our our personal issues. Talk things out and create a dialogue where we can begin talking the issues out rather than just doing what is happening now, which is just burying everything deep down until it comes erupting up to the surface.

I have been to see a counselor before for my own personal depressions when I hit a bad spot when I was out of work for a very long while and that is what the counselor did for me then, had me follow those similar steps.