Mono/Poly Question

S

spicefox

New member
So, I'm generally a very mono person. Last year, I lost someone that I cared deeply for. We've gotten back in contact. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend. She's not fulfilling any of his needs, so he keeps talking about finishing with her. I don't like being the other woman. I prefer being number one. But this situation has made me realise that I don't mind "sharing" him, even though I don't, usually.

I've put forward the idea of an open relationship, so, mono/poly. I've said he just needs to discuss with me first if he wants to sleep with someone else, and possibly use protection with the "secondaries." We don't use condoms, never have.

I'm just wondering about anyone else's experience of mono/poly and if you found you cared for someone enough to be willing to be in this sort of relationship with them.

Also, I was thinking of writing up some "ground rules" type thing, but I don't know whether this is a good or bad idea. I'm thinking good to begin with, as neither of us has been in any sort of poly relationship. Any comments, etc., please.

Also hi! I'm new. :)
 
Hi, I am in a very similar situation.

My guy was in a mono relationship when we met. He was very unhappy and has ended it with her.

He is poly (well, he wants to be) but so far, we have only discussed having another woman with us, rather than separate relationships altogether. We are in an LDR, which complicates things even further! He was/is planning on moving here, but he just dropped a bombshell on me a few nights ago that this could take up to 12 months. I am still considering whether I am up for that.

I want him to be happy, but I am taking it slowly. I don't think I could ever have another relationship concurrently, although I would be open to a FWB. I am just not wired to feel romantic love for more than one person at a time, I don't think, but I can certainly feel lust.

I guess your guy needs to talk to his current GF and see how she feels about addressing his needs. My guy tried this and it just didn't work. The relationship went to hell soon after that, although it was unhealthy to begin with. That seems like it would be step 1?
 
"Relationship broken, add more people." Is not generally a formula for healthy relationships.

I would strongly consider stepping back and have him sort out his issues with his girlfriend before negotiating what an open relationship with you will look like.

It's great that you have learned something about yourself from this experience, i.e., that you are not as opposed to "sharing" as you thought. But transitioning to poly/open takes a lot of effort/personal growth for many people. Everyone involved should, ideally, be starting off from a good foundation.

Clearly, at this point, he has other stuff going on-- staying vs. finishing the relationship with his current girlfriend, so, even if mono/poly could work for the two of you, this doesn't seem like a good starting place to come from. He might be tempted to agree to a certain type of open relationship with you just because it looks like a way to salvage a non-ideal situation.

JaneQ
 
Thanks. :) I have told him I'm only willing to be in any sort of relationship with him if she's either A) completely informed B) they split up.

I think B is more likely, as she meets 0 of his needs (it's a very fresh relationship). Basically, he likes her body. He just hasn't been able to see her to have a talk and break up with her. I also don't think she'd step back in their relationship and agree to someone else being the primary. She seems very traditional.

I have told him I understand if he chooses her, but I can't continue being the other woman, and that it's his choice to make.
 
Why did the 2 of you break up?

Why do you need to be his primary? Could you be in a relationship with him, as the secondary?

All good questions to ponder before starting an open relationship with someone.
 
Cleo said:
Why did the 2 of you break up?
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He liked another woman but she broke his heart. He doesn't trust now, so I don't think a closed relationship would be beneficial to either of us.

Why do you need to be his primary? Could you be in a relationship with him as the secondary?
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I feel like a secondary right now and I don't particularly like it. I feel like I don't have any control and that the primary has a little bit more, especially as she doesn't know about me. If she were well aware, I might feel different.

All good questions to ponder before starting an open relationship with someone.
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Agreed
 
Seriously, from what little you've shared, this guy sounds like a bit of a weasel.

You said something about how an open relationship would be better due to a lack of trust? Sustainable non-monogamy requires more trust, not less. You start as you mean to go on (well, I believe in that anyway). If you start with a lack of trust and poor communication patterns, that is the foundation you are building on.

But in all honesty, home boy sounds like a playa and something tells me you can do better.
 
OP, is this guy worth your time? He seems like an immature brat to me. It doesn't sound like you 'lost' him, it sounds more like he walked away chasing his fantasy and now he is crawling his way back like a pathetic worm.

C'mon, you are better than that, surely?
 
You're both probably right. He doesn't trust me, but I trust him. I probably could do better. Generally I'm better off on my own. With how we've been, I've felt like the pressure is off of me. I'm trying to deal with depression at the moment. Maybe I do need to tell him to shove it.
 
Hmm...

I'd recommend ground rules, but as few as possible. Trust me, if you have rules he doesn't like, he'll only break them, especially rules regarding control of feelings, i.e., you can have sex with her, but no feelings.

Figure out what's truly important to you, what your needs are. If he breaks Rule A, will you leave him? That's a harsh, but good litmus test, because if he does break them, and you allow it, you'll have little to no say in how the relationships develop in future. And if he feels like the rules are there out of insecurity, he'll likely ignore them.

But, definitely make sure you're taking care of yourself.
 
spicefox said:
... possibly use protection with the secondaries. We don't use condoms, never have.
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spicefox said:
I feel like I don't have any control, and that the primary has a little bit more, especially as she doesn't know about me.
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Wait a sec-- I missed the no condoms bit the first time around. So, he is having unprotected sex with you, and she doesn't even know about you, and you think she has more control? This guy is playing both of you. Stop letting him.

And go get yourself STI tested. There's a good likelihood that he is playing others as well.
 
spicefox said:
I lost someone that I cared deeply for. We've got back in contact... he has a girlfriend. She's not fulfilling any of his needs so he keeps talking about finishing with her. I don't like being the other woman. I prefer being number one

But this situation has made me realise that I don't mind "sharing" him, even though I don't usually.

I've put forward the idea of an open relationship. so mono/poly. I've said he just needs to discuss with me first if he wants to sleep with someone else and possibly use protection with the secondaries. We don't use condoms, never have.

I'm just wondering anyone else's experience of mono/poly and if you found you cared for someone enough to be willing to be in this sort of relationship with them

Also, I was thinking of writing up some ground rules. I don't know whether this is a good or bad idea... neither of us have been in any sort of poly relationship.
Click to expand...

Someone who is isn't assertive or strong enough to end a relationship with someone who isn't making them happy is unlikely to be "good poly material." Also, right now, this other woman is not a threat because you know your guy isn't really into her. That gives no indication about how you will react to someone who drives your guy wild and makes his heart leap with joy. Nothing you have said makes me think that you guys would have a healthy poly relationship
 
spicefox said:
She meets 0 of his needs. It's a very fresh relationship. Basically, he likes her body. I have told him I understand if he chooses her, but I can't continue being the "other" woman, and that it's his choice to make.
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JaneQSmythe said:
He is having unprotected sex with you... she doesn't even know about you....
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If he really wanted to break up with her, he would. Here's a guy who has so little respect for this woman that he's:

  1. lying to her/cheating on her
  2. badmouthing her to others (telling you she doesn't meet his needs) and
  3. using her as a body he likes having sex with.

You'll eventually be more depressed if you continue to lower yourself to someone like this. I think we all recognize these character flaws, and deep down, being with such a person sends a message to ourselves that that's all we're worth.
 
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