Hi,
I'm the mono in a mono-poly relationship that quite frankly has been one of the most tramatic experiences of my life. But, about 18 months in, lots of therapy for me, etc, we are at least in a holding pattern.
The thing you did right was putting things in hold and letting your partner adjust while he goes through this tough period of life. And honestly, even though the withdrawal of NRE sucks for you, this break could be what saves your first relationship. Being the mono partner watching the NRE happen when you have no understanding of what is happening and no context is unimaginablely difficult. So, letting that NRE come down a notch while you all adjust is super helpful for your mono partner. As tempting as it is, do not go back and ask to shorten your break. It could result in a huge loss of trust that will take a long time to repair and it will likely result in you mono partner feeling unheard, unimportant, and pushed to the side. You can possibly try to funnel some of that frustration into increasing intamcy with your mono partner now because you have a rough road ahead of you.
It sounds like you might be going through a mild depression. You were hit with all these feel good hormones and then they went away. That is something you may be able to talk to your mono partner about if you do not have an agreement to not talk about this while on your break. "Hey babe, I am not in any way saying don't want to honor your needs, but I'm hurting a bit too so can we talk about it and cuddle?" Best way to fight through the depression is to just force yourself to do the things you know you need to do for a bit. If you let yourself not do them and then you get upset you aren't doing it you can get into a downward spiral, I speak from experience. And maybe do something for yourself, go for a massage, a mani-pedi, girls night, watch a sad movie and have a good cry to get the emotions out, something cathartic.
Lastly, you both need to learn about the proper ways to be in a poly relationship before you get super serious with this other guy. That didn't happen for me. I started reading all these resources while my husband just blundered forward and did what he wanted and it was extremely painful. It may be difficult with everything you have going on, but reading More Than Two and some of the other books often recommend on this forum will be helpful to you. My husband still has not really done that and that in itself is hurtful. He refuses to accept that he did this poorly and we came very close to a divorce over it. You have a lot of difficult conversations ahead of you and having some resources to help guide that can be helpful.
Also, I am not saying your needs to not matter, your needs matter too. You both need to be able to verbalize what your needs are and you need to be able to negotiate. Any relationship is hard, but yours just got a lot more complicated. Your mono partner may feel upset about having to accommodate a whole other person they don't want in their life, I know I do. But, you guys can work through that if you are all willing to.
I wish you luck!
I'm the mono in a mono-poly relationship that quite frankly has been one of the most tramatic experiences of my life. But, about 18 months in, lots of therapy for me, etc, we are at least in a holding pattern.
The thing you did right was putting things in hold and letting your partner adjust while he goes through this tough period of life. And honestly, even though the withdrawal of NRE sucks for you, this break could be what saves your first relationship. Being the mono partner watching the NRE happen when you have no understanding of what is happening and no context is unimaginablely difficult. So, letting that NRE come down a notch while you all adjust is super helpful for your mono partner. As tempting as it is, do not go back and ask to shorten your break. It could result in a huge loss of trust that will take a long time to repair and it will likely result in you mono partner feeling unheard, unimportant, and pushed to the side. You can possibly try to funnel some of that frustration into increasing intamcy with your mono partner now because you have a rough road ahead of you.
It sounds like you might be going through a mild depression. You were hit with all these feel good hormones and then they went away. That is something you may be able to talk to your mono partner about if you do not have an agreement to not talk about this while on your break. "Hey babe, I am not in any way saying don't want to honor your needs, but I'm hurting a bit too so can we talk about it and cuddle?" Best way to fight through the depression is to just force yourself to do the things you know you need to do for a bit. If you let yourself not do them and then you get upset you aren't doing it you can get into a downward spiral, I speak from experience. And maybe do something for yourself, go for a massage, a mani-pedi, girls night, watch a sad movie and have a good cry to get the emotions out, something cathartic.
Lastly, you both need to learn about the proper ways to be in a poly relationship before you get super serious with this other guy. That didn't happen for me. I started reading all these resources while my husband just blundered forward and did what he wanted and it was extremely painful. It may be difficult with everything you have going on, but reading More Than Two and some of the other books often recommend on this forum will be helpful to you. My husband still has not really done that and that in itself is hurtful. He refuses to accept that he did this poorly and we came very close to a divorce over it. You have a lot of difficult conversations ahead of you and having some resources to help guide that can be helpful.
Also, I am not saying your needs to not matter, your needs matter too. You both need to be able to verbalize what your needs are and you need to be able to negotiate. Any relationship is hard, but yours just got a lot more complicated. Your mono partner may feel upset about having to accommodate a whole other person they don't want in their life, I know I do. But, you guys can work through that if you are all willing to.
I wish you luck!