In the beginning
Welcome to my first episode. I must warn you that I have ADHD so sometimes I get this bright idea to start something and never finish. Be warned! My therapist says journaling is a great option. With that in mind, I’ve been scared to put myself on the interwebz for a long time. Emotional manipulation has a way of making you think people will use anything against you. While I’m still behind a nickname, it’s a step.
So why share this story at all? You may or may not be wondering. I want to document what this looks like in real life for myself: the joys, the stumbles, and the lessons learned as we try to find balance with these deep emotional connections vs. practical realities like time, distance, and family. This is a space where I can share, learn, and connect with those of you walking similar paths. Shout out to my therapist for helping me see that it’s okay to write what I want. To do what I want. I started journaling six months ago using an app on my phone, and it has really helped me to be able to go back and reflect on what I wrote. If you are looking for an app lie that, I have one I absolutely love. Come to think of it, I can incorporate a write-up on its own for that.
It’s been a year and three-ish months since the poly journey began however, I should start at the beginning for background purposes.
My husband and I have been together for two decades and we have been swingers off and on for most of that time. There were breaks here and there as people tend to do. We’ve raised children, switched jobs, had grandchildren, dogs etc, and we decided to start exploring something new: polyamory. And here we go..
My first post in the intro forum described our setup. A closed poly quad consisting of two married couples who also still swing. I acknowledged that it was messy there and boy that was not wrong. We’ve already had many ups and downs and lots of tears in between the happier times. We are still hanging in there although it does not look like it did in the beginning. Boundaries have changed, relationships have changed, as these things tend to do when you just jump in and learn as you go.
If you’ve ever found yourself somewhere between “just swinging” and “fully poly,” I’d love to hear from you. What has worked for you? What pitfalls do you think you faced early on?
I heard a saying recently, “There are a lot of one year anniversaries in poly, there aren’t a lot of five years."
That hits. You’ll find out why.
So that’s our starting point: four people, two marriages, a tangled web with and a shared commitment to doing this as openly and kindly as we can.
Since you asked, even though this is the blog section, I will give my opinion.
I entirely disagree with the statement I bolded about there not being a lot of five-year anniversaries in polyamory. (Was that something Dan Savage said once?) The key, I believe, is independent dating, even if you're coupled up.
Here you've tried to balance the loves between two couples, and probably the feelings for one of the newer couples changed, so the quad is thrown off. So it becomes all imbalanced, some people feel obligated to keep fucking, dating or hanging out, for the sake of the quad, and boredom, resentment, a feeling of being used, etc., result.
The same thing happens all the time with triads, as well. The new shared gf (it's almost always a gf) prefers one member of the couple over the other. Or one member of the couple gets all crazy with NRE and neglects their longer-term partner. And so on.
You will see with more experienced polyamorists, they've succeeded in having multiple relationships of five years or much longer (even for life) by dating independently. Take me, for instance. I date my own others. My female partner does too, as does my male partner.
Pixi and I dabbled in "sharing" one or two of my bfs in the past (over 10 years ago), and it felt off and weird, so we didn't give it much of a chance. I don't like being my own partner's metamour! I don't really much like watching her have sex with another, or even being flirty. It was like, my bf was her FWB, and so, what role was he in when he was here? I found the guys got overly excited by the newness, the pursuit, and my own relationship with him suffered as a result. One guy was too much of a narcissist to care how he hurt me. The other guy was nicer, and very apologetic after the attempt, but by then it was too late.
In fact, Pixi and I have even stopped doing kitchen-table polyamory, so that there's no excess sexual chemistry building up between my gf and any guy I might be dating. (A bisexual female couple is like catnip to men with normal libidos, believe me.) This has worked well with my current and and future male partner Aries. Their paths only cross infrequently, like at holiday celebrations or other special events. However, Pixi needed Aries's help with doing some wiring of our big screen TV recently, and he was glad to help.
So, I've been with Pixi for almost 17 years, and with Aries for over four years, and I'm sure I'll be with them until the day one of us dies. The balance is just great.
I am glad journaling has been helping you, and thanks for starting one here! I hope it helps.
