Moving Forward

[MusicalRose]

Some current backstory to kick off this blog, I'm sure much more will come out as I write and relate current events to things in my past. This will probably read much more like a personal growth journal at this point in my life than it will a relationship journal, but who knows?

I am at a very big crossroads in my life. I was married in June to someone, we will call him Regulator, that I had been dating for five and a half years at the time, since November of 2008. This week, I just moved out of his apartment, signed my first ever lease all by myself, and am closer to financial independence than I ever have been in my life.

Throughout the past year, I have become more and more aware of some of my own patterns, including some codependent tendencies. Because of my work to grow out of these patterns, as well as a growing identification as a relationship anarchist and desire for a higher degree of autonomy, I have ended up losing two major relationships throughout the course of the year.

Somehow, even among all the chaos, I've found myself healing and getting to a better place. The anxiety that has plagued me since before starting to date Regulator has dissipated. There's a lot of pain, and I've done a lot of crying over the past few months, but it seems like these things provide a very good release and allow me to move forward after feeling the pain, instead of trying to run from it or numb it or deny it like I have in the past.

I look forward to growing and exploring myself right now, and becoming secure in my own independence.

I will name some other major players at this point (coming up with nicknames is going to be interesting) that I think I'll be mentioning a lot. I'm sure more names will be added to the list as part of my goal for myself is to learn to stop internalizing cultural slut shaming and learn to do things I enjoy instead of always being afraid of how it looks.

CurlyWolf - closest I have to a "partner" at the moment although he doesn't label his relationships and I am comfortable with this and may be adopting this strategy, not sexually involved at the moment, close since February of this year.

Regulator - STBX husband, dated for nearly six years from 2008-2014

FlyGuy - Ex-boyfriend, probably will be referenced some when speaking about things I learned from the past, married to someone else, who I will refer to as FlyGirl

 

[MusicalRose]

Feeling really weird about people and connecting to others lately. Feeling very lonely, but then terrified at the prospect of feeling close and comfortable with someone.

Normally, my sex drive is fairly high, but it has completely disappeared of late. It sometimes comes back when I'm alone, but the minute I might have an opportunity to get physically close to someone it disappears again. Probably something to pay attention to.

 

[MusicalRose]

I think finally wrapped things mostly up with Regulator. All that is left to do is the paperwork. I'm mostly moved out, and anything that is left isn't too important.

He had told me that if we ever broke up I could keep our male cat and he could keep the female cat. I left the cat until last so that I could get settled into my new place and have it smell kind of like me before I moved him. There is a big cat tree that I was also taking, and I needed someone with a large vehicle to help me move it. Early last week I told I'm I'd be taking the cat on Friday and he seemed to assent to this. After I got off work in the afternoon, I headed over there with my mom to get the cat and the last of my things. I even texted Regulator telling him I was over there.

Well, as I was unloading things at my new place he comes home from work and starts texting me in a rage. Apparently he had expected that he should be home when I took the cat, and never communicated this to me. Because I was so "offensive" as to take the cat when he wasn't there, he changed his mind and demanded that I give the cat back for good. I tried to offer to let him come say goodbye, reminded him that I had told him I was taking him that day, and that I wasn't trying to be offensive, but it didn't matter. He hung up on me.

A little while later, I was out to dinner with my mother and he starts calling me and her repeatedly. Neither of us respond because of his aggression, but he calls for hours and keeps leaving voicemails, even calling my father and my brother trying to get in touch with us, accusing us of trespassing in his apartment without his permission and stealing his cat.

He texts me and calls me and Facebook messages me throughout the night, all the way to 3:30 in the morning. I was really happy I hadn't given him my new address, and my mom was afraid to leave me alone for the night, but I didn't want to leave the cat in a new place all alone.

Throughout the course of the night, it became clear that the studio I moved into would be too small to keep the cat. He is active and likes to run around, and my new place is just too small. Having a litter box in the same space I sleep wasn't going to work like I thought it would. So I called Regulator in the morning and me and my mom brought the cat back and grabbed the rest of the stuff. Regulator lectured me the whole time about "thinking before I act" and insisting that I had some kind of sinister intent in taking the cat when I did. Honestly, I think he never wanted to let me have the cat in the first place and was looking for any excuse to fly off the handle and demand him back. It's the last lie I'm going to deal with.

We had been talking about being friends, but this bridge is burnt now. All he had to do was tell me no when I asked for the cat. It's cruel and horrible to lead me on for weeks thinking he is going to let me have him, then let loose with a torrent of abuse and nastiness when he can't handle it. He started crying and apologizing when I was packing the rest of my stuff and asking if I hated him.

Then he had the nerve to text me yesterday and wish me a "happy six month anniversary." I spent most of Saturday and Sunday with friends and relaxing. Hopefully the worst is over now and I can move on. Just need to get the legal paperwork filed and I can be done.