My belief in polyamory may have destroyed the best relationship I have ever had

[LovingRadiance]

Wow, this was amazing to read. Thanks for sharing, Redpepper and live4themusic. I enjoyed reading your dialogue about jealousy.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I would be willing to get back with Mary in a monogamous relationship with a couple caveats: if either of us meet someone we believe we would both be capable of experiencing love with, we discuss the interest amongst ourselves first... We could consider dating them individually or as a couple if we were both interested in that person. Otherwise, neither of us would act on any interest in anyone else.

Does this sound like the kind of thing a primarily monogamous person would be capable of? It seems to me that it's a fair agreement because if she is not also interested in whoever I'm interested, all she has to do is tell me and I won't pursue them.

This is a fair agreement. But it may be one that will leave a whole bag on what-ifs and insecurities. New friendships may cause stress, doubt, fear and anxiety. The key here is if she is wired monogamously to her very core, she probably won't be interested in anyone you are. Or she will be monogamously interested in them. If you're mono, you only feel attraction to one person at a time. Connections break when new ones form. That's just our nature. Monogamous relationships generally don't have "open relationship" caveats. It's a play on words that says I will be mono with you until I find someone we both like. That's really just hibernating poly.

So, is this a fair agreement for a mono primary? Sure, if she is honest in her response and acceptance of the caveats.

 

[secondchance]

This whole thread really was wonderful to read. I am new to poly as well, but I can relate to so much of it, especially the first few posts. My advice is, if you truly are poly and she truly is mono, it may be best to end it now. Don't put aside your feelings.

My gf and I discussed poly because I was interested a few years ago, and she was not receptive to the idea at all. The resentment grew. I stayed with her, and am now finally about to break up with her. The unhappiness of these past few years was really unnecessary. Maybe I should have gone through with it then. I let things go way too far and am about to lose one of my very best friends.

I know the idea of losing someone you love is scary, but the longer you let it go, the worse it will get. You can't pretend to be someone else because of someone.

 

[Legion]

I just lived this, and am still living it. For the full story (in progress) check out my tale in General Discussions.

My conclusive decision is there are no bad decisions. Indeed, if I had just said, "Okay, you're mono. I'm poly. Let's not get into this. It sounds like trouble," then I would have spared us a lot of heartache, sleepless nights, endless writing, arguments and outside debate, to name a few aspects. But then again, we would have also missed out on what I believe has been the closest relationship for both of us, so far, in our limited lifetimes. We learned about ourselves and each other. We were challenged to understand ourselves and each other. Adversity brings great things. I would not go back and retract my decision at all.

I'm not saying your relationship is doomed; I'm not saying it will work. I'm saying if you take the difficult road and approach it with a sensible head, you will learn and grow, no matter what the outcome. Avoid conflict and you learn nothing but how to avoid conflict.