My feelings about his time management

ThatYankBird

ThatYankBird

Member
I'm really struggling with jealousy/envy lately because my guy has been seeing his other gf more often than he sees me. He sees the difference as slight, and says he doesn't prioritise one of us over the other. But, it's making me feel second best.

I don't expect his attitude or behaviour to change. How do I change my mindset so that I can feel secure and believe that this doesn't mean he cares less for me?
 
As someone who was on the flip side of this while I was hoping my wife wouldn't feel this way about a girl she didn't want me talking to...he should be respecting you with this time management. Even though my wife didn't want me talking to that girl, I don't think she could really say I neglected her. Whenever I felt that was close to happening, I tried to stop what I was doing to focus on my wife. Eventually, that got better. (Unfortunately, it didn't convince that I should be talking to the girl.)

There's no excuse he can't manage his time better. Chances are, that g/f isn't going anywhere so he can just talk to her later.
 
Do you have regular designated days/times with him or does he just wing it? You could ask for a particular day, or a specific number of days, each week to be "yours."

Just a few questions to get you thinking: As long as the time you spend with him is quality time, and he's present and focused on being with you, does it really matter if his other gf has slightly more time with him than you do? Are you wanting to be "more special" to him than anyone else is? How would you describe your sense of self-esteem? Do you have enough of other things in your life (interests, friends, activities, etc.) so that you're not overly focused on him being a major source of satisfaction (as in being co-dependent)?

You could date other people when you're not seeing him, you know.
 
Neither of us have regular or scheduled days with him. We 'wing it.' We're both a bit of distance away, I'm further. She goes to him, he comes to me... Although I'm happy to go to him, he prefers to come to me. Her work and family arrangements are a bit more flexible, and she can do week nights, whereas I generally can only do a Saturday night. So yes, there may be an element of it being more appealing to spend a week night with her, rather than schedule his whole weekend around me. The last time I asked to see him he turned me down, and I'm still waiting for a date.

I don't need to be more special. Initially I did have those feelings, as I was on the scene first. I've got over that, and am happy to be an equal. But I'm not feeling it now. I do see other people, but he's the person I feel closest to right now. I am going through a difficult time with some personal issues, and he's been very supportive online when we're not together, but I'd really like that physical contact.

My self esteem is not great right now, with all the stuff I have going on, so I suppose I'm not the most fun person to be with at the moment. Maybe the best thing to do is just back off for a while.
 
That is it, then. She has it easier to scedule, and he "wings" it so then you end up getting less days since he doesn't make a concious effort to make it the same ammount of time.
 
Please try to keep in mind that being equal to a metamour (partner's partner) doesn't mean that everything with you and your partner will be exactly the same as with your partner and metamour.

If she's closer geographically to him and has a more flexible schedule than you, it stands to reason that the QUANTITY of his time with her would be more than the QUANTITY of his time with you. She has more time available, and is easier for him to get to.

Try to make the "equality" of the relationships more about the QUALITY of the time you spend together. When you and he are together, is he off checking emails and texts, or watching sports on TV and not speaking to you? Or is he focused on you, talking to you, interacting with you emotionally and physically, most of the time?

I live with Hubby. The QUANTITY of our time is greater than the quantity of my time with S2, because S2 and I only see each other once or twice a week for a few hours at a time. Until the end of May we spent two weekends a month together, but right now we aren't even doing that because we're breaking from being "in a relationship" and are just spending time together. (It's a limbo-ish kind of thing that even though he asked for, he doesn't completely understand what he wants. I'm rolling with it because I know what's going on in the rest of his life that makes this necessary for him right now.)

But Hubby works long hours and often doesn't bother coming home after work, because it's easier to surf YouTube or read books on the work computer than to drive ten minutes home to do the same things on his computer. And when he is home... that's what he does. Shuts himself in the basement to watch YouTube videos, read books online, and so on. Because of his schedule, I'm often asleep by the time he gets home anyway, which is another reason why sometimes he just stays at the shop. When we are both awake, there might be ten minutes or so of actual interaction between us, usually including a hug or something, over the course of several hours of "time together." Time together, for Hubby, means time being in the same physical location, not actually time being with each other.

Over the course of a few hours with S2, on the other hand, we talk. We cuddle. We share our thoughts and dreams and fears and nightmares. We snuggle on the couch watching TV and talking about whatever we're watching, or we go for walks, or for long "let's see where this road goes" drives. He'll see something on TV, or remember a place he's been to in the past, and his first thought is, "Oh, cool, I have to share that with KC!" When I go to his place on a weeknight, even though he's been at work all day, he either cooks for me or takes me out to dinner.

In 4 hours with S2, I feel like we spend more time really *together* than in a full week with Hubby.

If you look at it that way, is your time with your boyfriend really unequal to his time with his other girlfriend?
 
my suggestions would really be to work on coming to terms with the notion that no relationship is "secure". For me, understanding that fairness and equality aren't synonymous was a huge help. I want my partner with me because it works for both of us and because he authentically wants to be there - not because he feels obligated to validate my insecurities. things are ever changing. I may start to move more toward one connection than the others, and that's OK - as long as there's open lines of communications about it. I want my partners to openly feel that they aren't being held to any expectations - authenticity is a non-negotiable aspect of my relationships. There's an article that comes to mind that may help .. https://www.morethantwo.com/gamechanger.html
 
Thank you, dandyandy. That article was quite helpful.
 
How far away is he to you vs her? How cheap/easy is the travel?

I would be raging mad if my partner saw someone else more than me, unless I lived very far away. But in that case I could move...
 
Norwegianpoly said:
. . . he doesn't make a concious effort to make it the same ammount of time.
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Norwegianpoly said:
I would be raging mad if my partner saw someone else more than me, unless I lived very far away.
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The same amount of time or else, huh? Raging mad? That is an extreme reaction and having a hissy fit over not getting the same or more time than someone else seems very unreasonable to me. Tantrums are for little children, not adults in adult relationships. Wow.

I don't base what I want on what I see others getting. I base my requests on what is good for me.



ThatYankBird, what is fair isn't always equal. Quality time counts more than quantity, IMO.

All one need ask is whether one feels happy, respected, valued, satisfied, and so on. If not, ask for what you want, but don't base what you ask for on what someone else gets. Comparing two relationships that someone has with two different people who have different needs is futile and will get you nowhere. Focus on YOUR relationship with him, not his relationship with HER.

Regarding time spent, if I want more time with someone (or whatever else I want/need), I ask for those things -- but not because I'm competing with a metamour. If a lover cannot give me what I ask for, then, I either leave the relationship or see if I can live with what he can offer. I also make an effort to keep my expectations in check. It's on me. I don't go looking at what another lover of his gets to see if I'm being given the same. Who cares what a metamour gets? They're not me.

As for your self-esteem, I asked not so you could use the state of your esteem to beat yourself up with, but to look at where you need to focus your attention. Instead of looking at where your relationship is lacking, and thinking he doesn't want to spend time with you because you're "not fun," do things that build your esteem up, that build your life up, that affirm your worth to yourself. Don't look for validation from the outside. What makes you happy and how can you make yourself happy without depending on a man's attention?
 
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Sure I would. I travel monthly between countries to give my boys some level of time equality. To manage it I made a special deal with work and use a lot of money. Time is important to me. There is only so much quality time without a certain amount of quantity. When I saw my boyfriend seldom in the beginning he was very unhappy about it and envious of my husband. Now that we see each other more often and for longer he feels safe, even if I still are my husband there most. I think that feeling will last for my boyfriend even if work and money leads me to cut down on visits, because our relationship could flow and develop during these first two years.
 
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I'm going to have to disagree about quality time depending on quantity. As I said earlier in this thread, in 4 hours I spend more quality time with S2 than in an entire week with Hubby, because S2 actively engages with me when I'm with him, while Hubby just likes knowing I'm in the same house and sometimes doesn't even speak to me for a day or so. (Not because he's angry, just because he doesn't make the effort to have a conversation.)

But that's just me, and others see it differently.

Personally, I wouldn't care whether Hubby or S2 spent more clock-time with another partner, as long as I didn't feel short-changed in terms of conversation, consideration, and caring. (Okay. I would probably be jealous, but that wouldn't be "she's getting more time than me", it would be "what if he decides he *only* wants time with her and stops seeing me altogether?" In other words, the jealousy would have everything to do with my own insecurity and fear of losing the guy, and very little to do with the time thing. And I wouldn't be angry, just worried.)

S2 doesn't feel at all short-changed or annoyed that he has less time with me than Hubby does; he prefers it. He grew up in a large family that lived in small homes, meaning there was usually no way for him to have any privacy or time for himself. And as the youngest of six, he got a lot of crap from his older brothers, so having people around him a lot is sometimes uncomfortable for him. He loved his ex-wife and loves their sons, but living with them for fourteen years was difficult for S2, and even now that he lives alone, he sometimes needs a day to decompress after having the boys at his place for a weekend. He told me the other day that one of his fears when we were calling this a relationship was that I would leave Hubby and ask to move in with him (S2); he can't even tolerate the thought of sharing a home with anyone again, and he's also told me that I'm the one adult in his life that he can stand to have around for long stretches of time.
 
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KC43 said:
I'm going to have to disagree about quality time depending on quantity. As I said earlier in this thread, in 4 hours I spend more quality time with S2 than in an entire week with Hubby
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I don't think you see where I am coming from and why I say the things I say. I was talking about long distance and visits. Tecnically, I see my boyfriend more than you do, and even if we were to cut my visit to me seeing him one week every second month that would still be more or less the same ammount of time (4 days a month). But you really, really can't compare living close by and seeing someone every single week to my situation of paying lots to see him once or twice every two months.

You get to wind down after EVERY week in his arms. you get that. I don't. Three out of four weeks- and soon, most likely seven out of eight weeks - he is nowhere NEAR my arms. How dare you speak to me about quality time, you obviously have none of my challenges (and most likely none of my expenses) to make any type of quality time in person happen. Have you gone nine weeks without seeing your boyfriend? I have, several times. It breaks my heart when I can't touch him. And even when together we don't always get a lot of time together. I spend my whole summer holiday with him while he is working himself to exhaustion, because I can't take off holiday time at any other point and he works season. I cook him dinner and live for the small attention he can give me before falling to sleep. I do absolutely everything I can to make both quality and the neccesary quantity happen. I have no savings because of this relationship. I don't mind because I care so much about our time together. But it scares me that I might have to uphold this if we can't close close the distance within the next few years. Long distance relationships are time consuming and expensive, which is why any person doing this seriously builds their whole live around it. I have done this for nearly two years, and it doesn't get easier.

The OPs boyfriend is the hinge and he doesn't even travel to her, I don't see a whole lot of effort going on. I was talking about the effort. If he is really doing all his can, and he has a savings account to help pay for his or her travels, and has looked into every possible thing with work and other obligations to make things happen, and nothing, than all the more credit to him. If he is the hinge and just winging it, I say that is not good enough, you need to make things happen, you have to book those tickets (and possably fix that visa) to make visits happen when you are not in the same place. If at ever possible, it wise to make visits happen on some sort of scedule and booked in advance so that not only are the visit enjoyable, but also the waiting time and the countdown.

I don't know if, if all of us were living together or close by, I would spend exactly the same ammount of time with my two boys. Some of my time would be with none of them, I would be working most days and also going to the gym, seeing friends and not always bring them along. I would probably be busy trying to help my boyfriend learn my language. Perhaps if in reality I would cut down in time with each person and seeing them together as more of a "family time", I mean especially if we eventually have kids with shared custody. But that is really just triflets. Those are the details that work themselves out once you have acheived being in the same area. When you live together or close by, you have choises. Many of them. You can actually have discussions along the lines "is it ok if I spend more nights with a than with b during the week". You get to establish two relationships as a weekly routine, which in itself is comforting. With long distance over a certain ammount of miles, you are rather hanging on just to keep any sort of connection flowing with your partner who is away for most of the time.
 
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ThatYankBird said:
I'm really struggling with jealousy/envy lately...I don't expect his attitude or behaviour to change. How do I change my mindset so that I can feel secure and believe that this doesn't mean he cares less for me?
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Hi ThatYankBird! :)

Here's what stood out to me. You are not asking us whether his time management is reasonable or how to get him to change. We can debate all day long about whether time needs to be split exactly between partners or not, but that's not the crux of the matter.

You are asking how to manage your jealousy. And seem to understand that addressing your insecurities comes from within.

Even if you were to ask him to spend more time with you, your insecurities still exist. They're just not being triggered in that specific moment. His behaviors do not MAKE you insecure, as I'm sure you know, but rather trigger an underlying insecurity that already lives inside you. Other partners might be triggered differently (as you can see, some forum members would be fine with spending less than equal time or may prefer that).

So kudos to you for wanting to work on those deep parts inside of you.

That said, learning to be more secure (in relationships and independently) takes time, as you build self-confidence. I'll whole-heartedly second nycindie' suggestion of jumping in and doing the things you'd do if you were more self-confident (be that person people want to be around). Sometimes it's a fake it til you make it kind of situation, and acting self-confident can help you to feel that way.

Here's another link to articles related to jealousy and learning to be secure:
https://www.morethantwo.com/jealousy-insecurity.html

It sounds like at the end of the day, you have asked him about whether the time split means he cares less about you, and he responded with a no. Can you trust his word? If so, then maybe reminding yourself of that when you start to go down that thinking pathway of "oh he's seeing her more than me, so he must love her more". If not, then that's a more concerning part of your relationship right there.

Best of luck! :eek:
 
Thanks, reflections. I know that the answer lies within me. It's definitely a lack of self-confidence issue, and my emotional response is to say " show me you care, tell me I'm valuable!" I need outside validation, I'm not feeling it within myself... That's why I feel like withdrawing until I'm feeling more confident. I don't even want to communicate with him, because I'm afraid of coming across as needy and desperate.
Then the other issue that arises, is that I'm afraid he's going to think I don't care, because I'm not reaching out to him. Our dynamic is that I'm nearly always the one to initiate conversation. I really want him to reach out to me first for a change, but I don't want it to seem like I'm playing games by changing my behaviour.
 
ThatYankBird said:
Thanks, reflections. I know that the answer lies within me. It's definitely a lack of self-confidence issue, and my emotional response is to say " show me you care, tell me I'm valuable!" I need outside validation, I'm not feeling it within myself... That's why I feel like withdrawing until I'm feeling more confident. I don't even want to communicate with him, because I'm afraid of coming across as needy and desperate.
Then the other issue that arises, is that I'm afraid he's going to think I don't care, because I'm not reaching out to him. Our dynamic is that I'm nearly always the one to initiate conversation. I really want him to reach out to me first for a change, but I don't want it to seem like I'm playing games by changing my behaviour.
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My perspective?

From my experiences with Jack, there was a period of time when I felt like I was putting in more effort into our relationship that he was. I felt very needy and desperate for his attention. What I did was talk to him about it. I laid down all my cards and said "hey, I tend to be the one to contact you, I know you're busy, I'd like to talk to you but it's getting too hard for me to be the only one putting in effort. I'm here if you want to talk, but I'm not initiating." And then stuck to that.

It ended up being a full month before he reached out to me again, after having daily contact. And during that time, I refocused on finding myself. I mourned the loss of our relationship (at that time), I found new interests, I threw my energy into my friendships and relationship with my husband, I learned not to rely on my partners' affections to build myself up. That I am a good person on my own.

And when he reached out to me again, I spent a long time thinking about whether it was worth the pain I had felt (and may feel again) to give him another chance. And I did, with a clear explanation of what my needs were and indication that I could not stay in a one-sided relationship anymore.

But I was at my breaking point. I'm not sure if that fits for your situation.

From my experience, the more I withdraw WITHOUT first talking to my partner, the more it tends to reinforce my insecurities. I withdraw, they notice that and may think I'm busy/uninterested, they don't respond the way I "want" them to, I feel more insecure. I can't expect my partner to mind read. And I don't want to play games either, like you said.

Although perhaps riskier, I have always found it more useful to be upfront and say "hey. I'm feeling like withdrawing. I'm scared of getting hurt. Because of XYZ. Yes, this is hard for me to talk to you about and I don't want to seem needy. But here are my needs and how they aren't being met." At times, when I'm feeling particularly insecure, I'll even ask my partners "could you show me some extra support? Tell me how I'm important to you? Because I'm feeling a bit insecure." I don't mean to suggest that my partners "fix" my insecurities, but rather a bit of reassurance that you matter to them can go a long way.

If one of my partners was not receptive to me being genuine, I probably wouldn't want to have him/her as a partner anyway.

On a side note, I also have found that much of my jealousy stems from my needs not being met. So perhaps the inequality of time is a signal that other needs are not being met. Are they?

Some random musings for you. :)
 
ThatYankBird said:
. . . I feel like withdrawing until I'm feeling more confident. I don't even want to communicate with him, because I'm afraid of coming across as needy and desperate.
Then the other issue that arises, is that I'm afraid he's going to think I don't care, because I'm not reaching out to him. Our dynamic is that I'm nearly always the one to initiate conversation. I really want him to reach out to me first for a change, but I don't want it to seem like I'm playing games by changing my behaviour.
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Reflections' response to the above is right on the money. I was going to say that, if you are always the one to initiate getting together, and feel that you want to hang back from doing that but without playing games, the only way to approach it that isn't a ploy or strategy is to tell him you're not going to be initiating for a while. I would say to him, "Look, I'm not into playing games so I want you to know that I don't want to be the one who always reaches out to arrange seeing each other anymore. I need to know that you are spending time with me because you really want to, and aren't just going along with my request, so I'm not going to initiate contact for a while. If you want to get together, or even just talk, you let me know. "
 
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reflections said:
At times, when I'm feeling particularly insecure, I'll even ask my partners "could you show me some extra support? Tell me how I'm important to you? Because I'm feeling a bit insecure." I don't mean to suggest that my partners "fix" my insecurities, but rather a bit of reassurance that you matter to them can go a long way.
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I've done this recently, and it has helped.


On a side note, I also have found that much of my jealousy stems from my needs not being met. So perhaps the inequality of time is a signal that other needs are not being met. Are they?
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This might be the case. I'm in such a state now, that I'm not really sure what I need now. I'm a bit of a mess :-(
 
nycindie said:
Reflections' response to the above is right on the money. I was going back to say that, if you are always the one to initiate getting together, and feel that you want to hang back from doing that but without playing games, the only way to approach it that isn't a ploy or strategy is to tell him you're not going to be initiating for a while. I would say to him, "Look, I'm not into playing games so I want you to know that I don't want to be the one who always reaches out to arrange seeing each other anymore. I need to know that you are spending time with me because you really want to, and not just going along with my request, so I'm not going to initiate contact for a while. If you want to get together, or even just talk, you let me know. "
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I'm going to say something to this effect, soon (tomorrow?). It feels risky to me, as My fear is that he may just be happy to let it go. But then I guess I'm better off without someone who doesn't really want to be with me, but just can't be bothered to say so.
 
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