My journey into poly

S

schizofish

New member
Well, I thought I might stop lurking and start writing about my poly journey, not least to help me get it straight - and of course, sometimes to get another view on things from all you good peeps!

So... where to start? I suppose background and history up to where I am now would be a good idea

Well, back in my youth I had always ended up being attracted to more than one guy at a time, but I never knew poly existed, so I cheated. A lot. I know, so not cool - not proud of it, but there you go, young and stupid. But I got sick and tired of the negative feelings so I stopped. Not long after I did the usual things, I married, had kids, and stayed faithful even when other guys caught my eye. Back in May 2012, me and my husband separated after 15 years together and I swore off love/relationships etc for a time, while I healed.

Then in 2013 a friend persuaded me to join some dating sites. Me and her ended up talking to the same guy on one site. At this point I had done some research on a couple of things that the dating site had brought up, and knew poly existed and had gone "Yes, this is me, this is what I want!" We talked, the three of us, and agreed to give it a try. Let's just say, it didn't go well - she discovered through this that she is wired monogamous and can't do poly. Her and him are still together, BTW, and me and her are still friends (a major miracle by itself!).

But that mess did make me think about what I wanted out of relationships. I wanted to love and be loved, I wanted someone I could connect with and share things with - but I didn't want anyone to move in, I didn't want someone there every minute of every day. A part-time lover, if you will.

That experience also introduced me and her to the world of kink as well, as he was a dominant, where we had both had another "Yes, this is me" moment. And from that I got onto Fetlife and started chatting, started making kinky friends, went to parties and such like.... and haven't looked back since.

I met Wayland and Odette at a meet-up/party at the beginning of this year, they live near me and we became friends. A few months ago, he expressed an interest in being kinky FWBs with him as the dominant, which I returned, but things did not go anywhere then - he needed to talk it through with Odette. Since she has recently given her blessing, we have had a couple of playdates, which were very enjoyable! But the feelings I have for both of them are the same - platonic, if I can use the word without getting giggles.

In October, I started chatting with Njord on an alternative dating site, and we got on great. We met up for coffee and chat, which was a success, and we decided to carry on with a D/s relationship. He works abroad a lot, so actual time together is difficult to arrange, but we communicate regularly by text and email. When he is in the country, we have tried to arrange times together and have so far managed to have a couple called off through illness, but have met up a couple of times too. At the moment, it's early days on this one - but here's hoping!

And Loki. Well. We started chatting online in April this year, connected through shared interests in geekery of various descriptions. It was originally supposed to be just someone to hang out with, something very casual, someone who we could discuss those geeky things that our other friends just didn't get and see the geeky films that they didn't want to. But, we've spent a lot of time together and discussions have ranged over all sorts.... and now I don't see him as casual. Still part-time, which suits both of us, but not casual. He has other relationships too; he started a LDR with Thrud a little before me and sees her one weekend a month, and has recently started a LDR with Idunn, and is likely to be seeing her maybe every couple of months (ish).

Well, that ran longer than I anticipated for a first one!
 
Definitions

I have looked at the Glossary list when I first found the site, and it was helpful, but due to watching a thread on another site that got totally sidetracked, I wanted to revisit and figure out what various terms mean, or mean to me, if there is a difference. And since this is going to be my record, it makes sense to keep it here so that anyone who is interested can see what I mean when I use a particular word.

Jealousy, for example – the glossary gives it as ‘3: demanding complete devotion 4:suspicious of a rival or of one believed to enjoy an advantage’ which is not exactly how I use it. And as for envy, the glossary doesn’t appear to specify it at all.

So here goes:

Dictionary definition of jealous:
• Troubled by the belief, suspicion, or fear that the good which one desires to gain or keep for oneself has been or may be diverted to another; resentful towards another on account of known or suspected rivalry:
• In love or affection, esp. in sexual love: Apprehensive of being displaced in the love or good-will of someone; distrustful of the faithfulness of wife, husband, or lover
So, seems to be thinking that people only have one spot in their heart marked 'lover/partner' and if they love someone else, you lose that spot. Okay - "I have love, and if you have it, I will lose it", think I have that one pretty much sussed....

Dictionary definition of envy:
• The feeling of mortification and ill-will occasioned by the contemplation of superior advantages possessed by another.
• A longing for the advantages enjoyed by another person.
Basically, instead of wanting to have a specific person's specific things, this one sounds like wanting to have the same types of thing as another person. This one seems more "You have love, and I want to have it too".....

Definition of compersion:
• A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship
Slightly more problematic, because it's not a standard definition. Although everyone here seems to know basically what it is. "I have love, and I am happy the other has it too"

How about 'possessive'? Or 'territorial'?

Dictionary definition of possessive:
• Of or relating to ownership or possession.
• Having or manifesting a desire to control or dominate another, especially in order to limit that person's relationships with others
So.... "I have you, and no-one else can" Note, that it is not the love from that person this time, but the person - their whole selves. And they become an object with no free will of their own.

Dictionary definition of territorial:
• Of or relating to an area or resource defended by an animal or a group of animals against others
So this is "This love belongs to me and you together" implying, at least in my mind, that we will defend and protect this feeling.

So how do these feelings apply to me? Looking back over the last year, I can identify some of these....

On the positive side, I have felt compersion. When Odette tells me that her and Wayland have done something special, I feel excited and happy for them. When Loki gets to see Thrud, I get all warm and fuzzy for them. Okay, sometimes it is mixed with envy... for example, Loki usually sees Thrud on a weekend when I have the kids and don't get to see any of my partners. So on those weekends I am feeling "Yay! You are going to see Thrud, happy dance! Wish I could go and see Njord or Wayland".

What about jealousy? Using the definition above, of "if you have it, I lose it" I don't think I do. Even in the poly V mess with my friend, I didn't do that - I had the "I want it as well" type thinking, which is envy in my book.

Okay - what about possession? Erm.... I don't feel possession as I have defined it here - why on earth would I want that? My partners aren't inanimate objects! I want them to want me too and this, that I have defined as possession, this doesn't allow for that reciprocal wanting.

Territorial - Oh yes, I get this. I get this a lot. I don't just feel this about my partners either, I feel it about anyone I care about and who I believe cares for me. I don't want to control them, or own them, or decide things for them. I want this space, this feeling, between them and me to be looked after and cared for. I want them to make space for me in their lives, like I do for them. Instead of thinking of a heart as having only one space for love, so it's an all or nothing deal, I think of a heart as having lots of spaces for love. And this one, this particular space, this little corner over here - this one you keep for me and protect for me, and I keep that little corner there, that particular little cubbyhole, just for you.

Does that make sense? It's as clear as I can make it at the moment.
 
That was a great post, schizofish - very clear, and very interesting, both in terms of semantics and psychology. A lot to think about.
 
Thank you for this post, Schizofish. I am sure it will help many people. I do hope you are doing well today.
 
:(

Writing is one of the ways I can figure out what I am thinking/feeling - it's like my mind is determined to not let me see what is making up this knotted ball of feeling-bad, but if I kind of stream-of-consciousness write then sometimes I can unpick some threads and see what is going on, and then I might be able to do something about it. Here goes....

A little while ago, Loki said he was having a bad few days and just needed some time to himself for a bit - time where he could just kind of 'stop the world, I want to get off'. So when I didn't hear for a few days, no problem. Then I go and see him a couple of days later - and get sideswiped with the fact that his ex (they split originally before we started chatting) has said yes, she wants to try again, she's willing to try poly, but only if she is primary. He says he has been chatting with her for a few days about it. He was over the moon, hyper, excited, etc. I ...was not. I don't like it. I don't know about this. I don't like the way she is with him.

He says it won't change anything about our time together. Wrong! The entire time we were together they were texting. He said something about being with me and she changed her mind, and was by the look of things, extremely bitchy - about him, about me, about poly. I was kind of expecting that from her - although I thought she would probably draw it out a bit longer.

Felt crappy from the moment he told me about this. Feeling worse, because I knew she was going to pull something like this. And feeling like a ghost in my own relationship spacetime, well that kind of put the icing the crappy-cake for me.


Hmm....

Well - I can see a couple of points I have to think about there.

1) Feeling upset because he is/was upset. I know he still has feelings for her. I don't like seeing him upset.

2) Feeling anxious. I don't like being kept in the dark, I don't like surprises, I need to know things.... it's a trigger for me, I know this, but sometimes people don't realise how much it is. If you don't tell me what's happening, if you just spring things on me like this, I am likely to run away. And I can see from what I have written that I am feeling like this, like I am on the verge of "Nope, not doing this anymore"

3) Feeling confused. Why did he agree to it? I have no idea. She's played things like this before and he just keeps accepting it. Why?

4) Feeling neglected by him, territorial towards her. That day was supposed to be spacetime for me&him and it wasn't.



Well.

That certainly brought some of the mud from the bottom of my emotional pond into the light. Not always nice to see - but I can't do anything about it if I don't know it's there.
 
Tough day. Hope you feel better soon.
 
I had to wait until this weekend to talk to Loki about some of this. Yes, I know, I suppose I didn't *have* to - but I don't like having conversations about complicated or emotional stuff by message, I prefer to be able to properly connect while it's going on.

So anyway, back to this weekend.

We discussed her and him; how it was, how it is now, all that kind of thing. I understand more about the shape of their relationship now. I know that previously I said that she's done stuff before which he has just kept accepting - I think that has finally changed and he is not willing to do it again, it is just too painful.

I am much happier with our relationship now too. I think he understands some of how I was feeling, and at least part of how bad he was feeling was because it was ruining our time together. So hopefully that is not going to happen again.

And we discussed our other relationships, to some degree, and a little bit of how we see all of our network going. I have said that currently I am not looking for any more partners, although if one kind of fell into my lap I don't suppose I would turn it away! It's not because I don't think I couldn't love any more people (because I do), but because of time constraints. If I got another partner, I feel that I currently with everything else in my life (kids, work, study, partners, friends, family, etc), I could not give that person enough time without negatively affecting the time I spend with my current partners. Which I am not okay with. So for now, until life calms down somewhat (say a couple of years until my studying is done), I am not actively looking.

With him, it turns out that Idunn has changed her mind and just wants to be friends - he seemed okay about it - and he is looking for other relationships, although not having much luck at the moment. But he has much more free time than I do, so if he had other partners, they should not affect our relationship spacetime.... and he has stated that mostly he is expecting any that do develop to be LDR at the moment anyway, people he can connect with mostly online but visit on a regular(ish) basis.
 
Feeling flat

So, I am feeling pretty miserable today.

Part of it is to do with Loki - which will need a whole separate post of its own, once I have it all straight in my head.

The other part is to do with Njord. He flies out today for work, so I can guarantee not seeing him for about 6 weeks, possibly upto 8. And that short gap is only if my schedule interacts with his for the short time he will be back in the country before he heads out again. I can't plan on seeing him because he doesn't actually know exactly when he will be back, and when he heads out again depends on when he gets back. I hate this part of it, the uncertainty of not knowing when I get to see him next. I hate uncertainty at the best of times, but this?! This is going to screw with my head.... *sigh*

As for Wayland and Odette, I saw them last week, just coffee and chat type stuff, but trying to organise and sync our calendars. If I can do some juggling with my dates, we could be on for a playdate at the end of the month.... more uncertainty until I can check with my ex about dates with the kids.

If someone had told me that the biggest problem I was going to have with poly would be trying to make sure I got enough time with everybody, I would have laughed at them. I mean, before you try it, you think about poly and think that jealousy is going to be the problem.... but no, for me it's not getting enough time with people because we can't get our calendars to agree... and of course, uncertainty!
 
Much better today, although not completely happy.

Njord flew out, and I haven't heard from him yet. I don't know whether I will hear from him either, it depends on the specifics of where he is working, which he never knows until he gets there. So, for now, I have to sit and wait and hope that he can contact me. Well, there is the reason I am not completely happy - still some uncertainty.

However....

I have managed to speak to the ex about swapping time with the kids, and he has agreed. It works for me, so I can attend my tutorial during the day, and then in the evening have a playdate with Wayland and Odette. Yay for playdates and social events :)

And as for Loki. I was miserable the other day because I saw on fl that he and his ex had started some kind of relationship, and he hadn't mentioned it. After all the shit she put him, and by extension us, through, I got quite a bit of fight-or-flight response, some territoriality coming out but also some fuck-this-shit type feeling. I messaged him and he said a couple of things about it but it felt like he was a bit ....reticent? about it. There was some other stuff we chatted about too, about his relationship with Thrud, and he was a bit off about that too. I was not sure if that was just me though, since I was not in a great place with the uncertainty from Njord and syncing calendars.

Anyway, actually got to see him last night and we talked about about both Thrud and his ex. With Thrud, he feels he let her down, is not what she needs, and he is not sure how well that is going to work out, even though they have been together a bit longer than we have. I don't want to interfere in that relationship. But I can sit there and when he asks for advice (like last night), I can try to think what might have been going through her head.

With his ex (hereafter called Var)... well, it seems that they have agreed to a pure D/s relationship, which he says will not affect ours.... although I am doubtful of that, given the history, I am willing to go along and hold that in abeyance. He knows I think that she will cross that territorial line again, but he says he is not going to allow that this time. Also, the uncertainty.... he didn't want to tell anyone until he was sure it wasn't going to blow up in his face - a mismatch of communication styles there. We have discussed those as well, and cleared that up.

So - all told, feeling less miserable, since I have managed to reduce my uncertainty on things. But still watching for Var to cross that line.....
 
Very quick update...

I have heard from Njord, so he does have internet where he is, although it is temperamental, and he has to share. So I will hear from him while he is away, but it will be sketchy. I can live with that.... for a bit, anyway!

Got some depressing news today from Wayland and Odette. Nothing to do with our relationship, I hasten to add. One of their kids needs an operation and it has been postponed for about 6 weeks. Everyone was all psyched and prepped on how to help out with the other kids, and now it's all pushed back, so we all have to wait. Especially their sprog, who doesn't deal well with worry - and she is worried already. *sigh* will need to take her mind of it whenever we can between now and then....

Things going well with Loki - as far as I am aware, Var has not crossed that line. Or if she has, he has shut that down straight away. Either way, I am happier about it.

I ended up chatting with a guy a couple of days away. It seems he is in a relationship with a lass who was chatting to Loki and he (being protective) wanted to check out that Loki was on the level. Anyway, that was all good, and we started chatting about other things. It turns out he is a goth, a geek, close by.... I started getting my hopes up. Well, that was a daft thing to do, it seems he has a gf who does not know about the site he was on or the lass he has a relationship with.... I called him on it, and asked why he hasn't spoken to his gf and he has disappeared! Never mind :( at least I found out before I got involved!

Anyways, more later :)
 
Well, long break - lots to update!

I haven't managed to see Njord since I last posted. He got back into the country about 3 weeks ago, but he had family to visit, then I did, then he has work commitments this weekend, and I now have study and family commitments for the three weekends after that.... I expect he may well be back out of the country again by then. His internet was wappy while he was away last time so it's been intermittent contact - better than nothing, but not what I really need.

Odette and Wayland are doing well. Their offspring has had the operation on one foot/leg and everything went well, but now has mobility issues until about September, when everything swaps sides.... All FWB action there is on hold, but I am still seeing them etc as we were friends first, FWB after.

Loki. Well. Everything was going fine, I thought. I knew he was not in a good headspace, partly because of health issues, partly because he hadn't managed to see his boy in nearly a year (Var had moved upcountry with him and all the drama with her kept interfering when he tried to see him). He finally managed to arrange to go last week of February and see him, was all excited - and so was I, for him. We were still talking about things to do when he got back, although he wasn't sure if he would be there a few days or a week.

Couple of days pass and I hear nothing, go to t'internet to message - and find his account deactivated. Start getting worried when text/email/call get no response for a couple more days. Keep trying. Then, first week of March, on my birthday, a text from him. Great, I think, must have been technical issues or something, but all sorted now. Nope. He and Var are trying again and he isn't coming back and can't see/contact me anymore.

So - that was not fun. In fact it hurt like hell. I kind of retreated into a social/emotional cave for a while. Still not great now.
 
Still not feeling great. I thought I was doing better, feeling better, but it seems that although I don't seem to be hurting now, I am just feeling ...what? uninterested maybe? unconnected.

I have been chatting with Wayland and Odette still, but haven't really spoken to Njord in a couple of weeks. We did chat when he first got back in country and I told him what had happened, but syncing calendars meant that the earliest we could met would be 16 May - by which time he might be out of country again. We haven't chatted since. And I am not missing it, just not interested in seeing him at all. Which either speaks volumes about us, or about where I am in my head at the moment. Or both. *sigh* I see some introspective soul-searching in my immediate future....

On the plus side, I think my best friend finally understands! Of course, she has understood what it is since we first discussed it, but this seems to have been an emotional understanding. We had 15 minutes chat while waiting for something else, and she came out with "You want relationships that run in parallel!" Of course, we need to catch up properly at some point, but it seems it might have finally sunk in.
 
Njord must have noticed I was being very uncommunicative and checked in recently, even though he has family issues of his own. We got chatting again as normal and I was like, 'Yes, I have missed this, and yes, even though I don't like LDR I want to keep seeing him'.... so things going as well as can be expected there.

I have even been chatting to some new guys! Must be feeling better :D Not only that, have been on a first date, coffee and chat type thing with one of them. It went well, I think. We've carried on chatting afterwards and we are probably going to meet up again. I've told Wayland and Odette about him already - if Njord responds to the email I sent him (he's abroad right now), I will let him know about the date too. And I suppose if I go on a couple more dates with him, I will have to find him an appropriate nickname for here too!
 
I have had lots of mickey-taking from bff, Wayland and Odette about the new guy - it seems I grin like a loon when I see that he has texted me. Yes, NRE has hit, and hit hard. And from what he says, he can't wait to see me again too. Which will be Tuesday. Can you say, looking forward to it, excited, giddy? Yep, yep and yep.

As for Njord, I have managed to get a few messages back and forth while he's been abroad, and have told him about new guy. I was impressed by his reaction in that he was "Great, glad that you have found a new partner" because as far as I am aware, I am the first poly partner he's had, and this is the first time I have told him about a partner I have found after him.

Is it just me, or is it actually easier telling new or potential partners about your existing partners than it is telling your existing partners that you have (or may have) found someone new?

Anyways, we have actual dates that he is going to be back, which means we can make an actual date! Woop woop!! Normally, we only have a rough idea until it actually happens so making plans is an exercise in futility. But in this instance, there is something he absolutely has to be in country for on a particular date - so we have set the following weekend off limits and have that weekend as a date. Colour me a happy bunny :D
 
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I have to confess, I am loving my life at the moment!

I have been chatting online with quite a few guys. No dates with any of them at the moment, and while it is fun I am not sure I really want them either - I don't think I have the time to start yet another relationship! But, I am not completely closing that door, after all if there is some totally amazing guy that I hit it off with, then I would like to at least give it a try - but they would have to be amazing.

Next, I have managed to see all my friends regularly, including Wayland and Odette. There was a period, while I was low, where I was avoiding seeing anyone. But now, I am making time to see everyone, and feeling much better for it. BBQs, coffee, kids playdates, movies.... all sorts of things, just spending time together. And even better, I have managed a few playdates with him over the past couple of months too!

I am getting very excited about seeing Njord soon! He has been back in the country for a couple of days now, so we have been texting and catching up lots while he's been back. I won't hear from him for a few days now though as he has family visiting that he hasn't seen for a while, so he's busy. They will be gone after the weekend, and we will be able to catch up some more.

And, I mentioned that I had been on a date with a new guy, didn't I? Well, we have seen each other more since then. Quite a lot. And things are going well so far. So I suppose I should really give him a name for here, so he will henceforth be known as Meili. We have been chatting lots, texting every day, about all sorts of things, from superheroes and music to Nietzsche and Jung.

It's really weird though. This is the first time he has been in a poly relationship, so I am seeing this from the other side for the first time. Back when I first discovered that poly was an actual choice, I did lots of reading and research, yes, while I tried to figure out what I liked, wanted, needed in a relationships (still doing that actually), but I was also watching, looking, asking questions of people who had been doing poly longer than me. Now I am the one trying to answer his questions!

Life is strange sometimes - but that's how we like it, right :)
 
Oh, I can't half pick them, can't I?

Turns out Meili has some issues which we have been discussing this evening, and it could be they are dealbreakers. I have laid out the various options as I see them for going forward. I want to keep seeing him, but to do that, there is something I need first. And therefore he has two main options; he can provide/allow that something and we move forward, or he can refuse and we split. At least he knows where I stand - all I can do now is wait to see which option he comes down on. Nerve-racking or what!
 
Well, Meili has decided that he wants to go ahead, so I am just waiting to get the something I need and then we can move forward. So in that sense, I am a happy bunny.

But I am still feeling very blech, as it turns out Njord now isn't going to be in country tomorrow! That's right. He's been called into work and has to leave. It's been so long since I've seen him, and it's going to be even longer now.

Why is it that whenever I start thinking that something is finally going right, something else up and kicks me in the face?
 
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