My first poly relationship....
I met him on okcupid. I'll call him E and my husband W. After talking to several guys, he was the only one that I connected with and was willing to meet. On our first date we went out to dinner. I was so nervous I'm pretty sure that I was shaking. I've never been on a date with someone that I didn't know from work, school, or friends. After dinner we went back to his place after buying some liquid courage.
I know..... Not the best idea after first meeting someone. After a few drinks I felt much better and more comfortable. I finally relaxed and got comfortable.
I knew he wanted to kiss me, but I wasn't ready. I haven't kissed another man in 9yrs! After a few attempts he finally got me, and it was great!
PERFECT TIMING....RIGHT?
Just a few days after my date with E, I found out that is was pregnant with my husbands child. I was freaked out. I was going to go back on birth control before getting sexually involved with anyone else. I didn't know how to tell E. I was afraid that he wouldn't want to see me anymore. I finally told about a week later. To my surprise he was perfectly okay with it.
After that we texted every day and had a date night every Monday.
I could feel myself getting closer and closer to him. It felt like it was so right. He was easy to talk to and seemed to really understand. I felt like we where on the same page, that we wanted the same things, and had the same values. He made me feel so comfortable.
SEX
The first time we had sex it was a little awkward. But, the closer emotionally we became and more comfortable we got, the better the sex was.
ATTACHMENT
I was trying so hard to hold back emotionally. I've never been hurt by another guy and didn't wanna start now. I expressed my concerns to E, and he pushed me to open up and let him in. He assured me that he would be gentle with my emotions. I could tell that he was falling for me and I was falling for him.
SAYING THE "L" WORD
At one point he made it obvious that he loved me and that he wanted to say it, but I pretty much talked him out of saying it even though I felt the same way. It was my way of protecting myself from getting too involved and getting hurt.
I finally decided to let him in. The trust was there the feelings was there, so I decided that I was going to take a chance with E and let him inside. It felt great to open up and I felt even closer to him. The sex kept getting better. It felt like it was more than sex. It felt like he meant every kiss and every touch. It was meaningful and left me craving more.
As my relationship progressed with E, I could see myself with him long term. I wanted him completely involved in my life. I wanted him to meet my husband, my daughter, and be there for the birth of my baby. I wanted him to be a part of our family, I wanted another husband.
SOCIAL NORMS.....
Unfortunately, I don't think that E, myself, or my husband would ever come out to our families. I know E wished that we could some day be a family, but due to Social norms, I think he wanted me to be his. He talked about what if I met you before W? We both struggled with figuring out how our relationship should be.
ISSUES...
I caught E in some lies. To me honesty means everything!!! When asked about these lies, he flat out lied to my face till I told him how I knew. I was devastated I trusted him. After talking I realize that he has some issues that he was hiding. I knew about his depression, his divorce, and family, but I had no idea that his self-esteem was so low and he has little to no respect for himself. To make things worse he dealt with it in an unhealthy way. He relied on others to boost his self-esteem and make him feel better. Even with these issues I was willing to stay with him while he worked on them. All I asked in return was for his honesty.
