My situation

[DaJaye74]

Hi, Ok here is the situation. My So (LadySFI) has a new boyfriend who is significantly younger than I am. He is 13 years younger than me and i have to say I am quite insecure. Not to mention I am a broken soldier, I have a bum knee and a bad hip that pains me constantly. I have mentioned this to her but she just says "Don't worry about it! I love you!" . Unfortunately she still spends quite a copious amount of time with him due to the fact he lives 5 min from her and i live 5 hrs from her. I really want her to be happy but I am very lonely where I live. I try to tell her it is going to be much harder for me to find someone because I am an older male,and broken. I know she loves me and is caught up in the NRE but I just need some reassurance you know? This weekend I surprised her by showing up late Friday to spend the weekend with her. I knew she had a busy weekend with plans that didn't include him but I just wanted to be with her. Admittedly, we had agreed to no surprises, but i didn't remember that until I was 10 min from her house. So we spent Friday night together, all three of us, and Saturday evening together. During that time she focused most of her attention on him, kissing and hugging him, while I had not even gotten a decent kiss from her. This has left me feeling rejected and alone.When I addressed this to her she attempeted to kiss me but I really fealt as though it was a pity kiss, and did not let her. I need some advice folks. ANYTHING will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
_________
J: Husband
LadySFI: Wife of 13 years
D: LadySFI Boyfriend

 

[WillyB]

I would make it a constant reminder to her that you and her need to talk about how your feeling. If she can find time for him than she should find time for you too if you all have a scheduling.

 

[FullofLove1052]

I would say that she is all entangled in NRE, which is like a happy, addictive cocktail at the beginning of a relationship. It lasts upwards of 6-18 months. Eventually it wears off, but it can be a challenge to work with. The person in NRE wants to be with that person as much time as possible, and they sometimes forget about the other partner.

My advice to you...talk to her, tell her how it made you feel when she was lavishing attention on your metamour, and come up with a schedule. Personally, the no surprises rule would have to go. She sees him all the time, and you are five hours away. At the very least, she could have set some one-on-one time aside with you to have a date or whatever. especially since you said that she had no plans with him. You should not have been cast to the side in favour of that new shiny boy toy. I do not ever want to feel like the second choice, so I, too, probably would have turned away from a pity kiss. I am of the mindset that you should do things because you want to and not because I brought it up.

Also, you admitted that you are insecure, and you need to work on those insecurities and become confident in who you are. Your wife loves you--injuries, flaws, bum knee, bad hip, age--and all. She is with you for a reason. Age is just a number.

When someone's in NRE, it is important to make the other person feel special and loved, too. No one likes being rejected. Chances are, she probably did not even realise what she was doing, so you need to talk to her. Do not place blame. Just tell her how it made you feel the entire weekend. Honest communication is your friend. A schedule might need to be implemented as well.

 

[DaJaye74]

Ok, first off let me apologize for the title of my original post, it was what was in the image verification area and I didn't notice till I had already posted. Any was thanks for all the response. One question and one addition. First, why should the no surprises rule be abolished? Second, she has told me that I read into things too much. I am an Aquarius, so my emotions play a large part in my life. I try my best to control them but sometimes I cannot, and I really am trying.
______
J: Husband
LadySFI: Wife of 13 yrs
D:LadySFIs boyfriend

 

[Anneintherain]

I'd just keep focusing on what you do want and need - if you aren't sure, ask if she is willing to experiment with you figuring out your desires around contact frequency, reassurance, and whatever else you are looking for from her.

Me? This is the minimum I think I need with somebody I don't live with - I need to have at least one in person date a week if we don't talk other than during our dates, or at least one date every two weeks if we also email or instant message regularly. If they say they will be there to talk to me or spend time with me, I need them to follow through unless there's a good reason. I need to feel my partners care about me. I need to feel my partners are being honest with me about developments in their other relationships and how they practice safe sex and their test results.

In your case I would say to be comfortable that I needed to not spend time with the three of us together unless she was willing and interested in paying attention to both he and I in a somewhat equivalent manner because it makes me feel awkward and/OR that in group situations that she made it clear ahead of time (or that I would ask) who was going to be her date and get the majority of attention (if that's what you are saying you would prefer) That lets her to figure out what she is able and willing to give and how she wants to direct her attention.

You figure out what you need and ask for it, and it's easier to see if your partner is willing to meet those needs. You'll also probably find that any issues of envy or jealousy or want will fall into perspective, and you'll really see if there are any problems that need to worked on. It's not all straightforward - I have a partner that I am perfectly OK with asking for reassurance if I need it. I also have partner that I'd probably rather break a leg than have to ask for reassurance - I've round-aboutly asked for it a couple times but just saying it? Scary as hell, so I hope your partner makes it feel OK for you to ask.

 

[DaJaye74]

dates

They really don't do "dates" he is with her almost everyday. He sleeps over most nights during the week.he has become a huge part of her life.meanwhile I only get every other weekend or sometimes two weekends in a row.usuall from Friday night about 10 ish till sunday at 2ish when I have to leave to go back home. For the last 3 weekend he has bwen there every day except today and he showed up after I left. And even when we do get weekends together, even before him, our child is with us the entire time. They get adult one on one time together with no restrictions all the time, where as when I'm there I still have to take care of my son and we don't get to go the same kind of things, adult things. Likegoing out to a club or a bar or going to a nice restaurant in having dinner together or any of those romantic things that single people with no children get to do that married people with a child to take care of not get to do. She gets to live the freedom and fun of single life while I have to be responsible and be basically a single parent. I'm sorry I really don't know how this situation because of everything that is going on, and us being apart

___________
J: Husband
LadySFI: wife of 13 years
D:Boyfriend

 

[Marcus]

I try my best to control them but sometimes I cannot, and I really am trying.

Trying to control your emotions is counter-productive. The reason I say this is because you're treating your feelings as if they are some kind of virus that you need to get under control. Emotions/feelings are just warning signals which you would be wise to acknowledge. Note I said acknowledge, not "act on".

I get jealousy type feelings every now and then and my struggle is not to "control" them, but to stop for a second, intellectualize them, and decide if it is a legitimate fear or not. Granted there has been a 100% return rate of "no, this is just old programming, everything is cool" response when I give myself that test, but I am mindful not to disregard my feelings or try to control them. It's good to have feelings, even jealousy, but it is NOT good to let them guide your actions or to reshape your worldview.

That is what I would consider a productive way to address emotions; identify that they exist, take some time to try and understand them, and then with presence of mind decide how they should influence your actions (if at all).

They get adult one on one time together with no restrictions all the time, where as when I'm there I still have to take care of my son and we don't get to go the same kind of things, adult things. Likegoing out to a club or a bar or going to a nice restaurant in having dinner together or any of those romantic things that single people with no children get to do that married people with a child to take care of not get to do. She gets to live the freedom and fun of single life while I have to be responsible and be basically a single parent.

1. Stop comparing your relationship with her to anyone elses relationship (including relationships you see on TV, while riding the bus, while visiting your parents). Your relationship with her is exactly that; your relationship with her. It's easy for poly folk to get twisted up on this concept but I think it's one of the worst mistakes we can make. Her time with her other lovers, her brother, her dance instructor, have exactly NOTHING to do with your relationship with her... that's between the two of you.

2. You've identified a problem with the lack of adult time... so what's your plan dude? Get a calendar, get a babysitter... if you want to change the nature of the time you spend with her then change it. Take responsibility for your needs! Go get em!!