my wife has been exploring...

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funguy

New member
my 38yo bisexual wife has been exploring adding polyamory to our relationship. how do I dare confront this? my wife has "the ethical slut" on her kindle, and a hidden board on Pinterest, not to mention many google searches... any advice greatly appreciated...

also we have been swingers in the past, so an open marriage isn't foreign to us. a comparison of same room swinging and polyamory may be helpful...
 
Hi funguy,

Do you think your wife is trying to explore poly in secret, behind your back? Have you and she sat down and talked about it? If yes, what did she say? What did you say?

Are you feeling threatened by poly? How much do you know about it? Would you be willing to explore Polyamory.com and learn more?

Besides Ethical Slut, there are two books (with accompanying websites) I want to recommend to you:

  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
As you read/explore the above, you may get a better idea of what questions you have. Any questions you want to ask, just go ahead and post them; we will try to answer.

Glad to have you aboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
What do you mean, how do you "dare confront this?" Don't you and your wife know how to talk to each other?

What is wrong with just saying, "Hey, I noticed you have a book on polyamory on your Kindle. What's up with that? Are you thinking about trying it?" Your tone doesn't have to be accusatory, especially since I don't see that she has done anything wrong.

And it sounds like you've been spying on her and snooping, checking where she goes on her Kindle and computer - are you keylogging her in secret? I mean, it's her Kindle, right? Does she know you accessed it? She is simply reading about a topic that has her curious. Maybe she is reading up about it to prepare for a talk with you. Why assume the worst? Would you be freaking out if she was reading about crocheting on her spare time? Isn't she free to choose her own reading material without prior approval from you?

I'd say that, if you are going to ask that she tell you what interest her about poly, that you also come clean about doing a little snooping to see what sites she visits. Level the playing field, because that isn't cool.
 
I think ding your own research and deciding if poly would be right for you. Then if she approaches you then you can have an informed discussion. Just because your wife may want to be in a poly relationship doesn't mean you have to participate in one.
 
On our computer if I type a letter in it drops down all the websites that was visited that start with that letter. It's easy enough to know what websites people go to without snooping.
 
funguy said:
...we have been swingers in the past, so an open marriage isn't foreign to us. a comparison of same room swinging and polyamory may be helpful...
Click to expand...

Swinging is non-monogamous sexually but it's founded very much on the monogamous premise that love is a limited resource and needs to be guarded. Swinging is an offshoot of a monogamy mindset - an adventuresome offshoot to be sure, but is still founded on the principle that feelings for one take away from feelings for another. The very premise that the couple needs to explore sexually as a unit (especially in the same room at the same time) is a monogamy-based idea.

Poly is radically opposed to the swinging model, in that the world view is entirely different. Love is not considered a limited resource. Feelings are not to be feared and tamped down, but to be explored. Love is not a field of wheat that needs protection from marauders, but is an unlimited fountain and the resource flows to all who allow it to flow. Allowing love (or feelings) to thrive benefits everyone involved. That's how I see poly, anyway. Everyone has a different perspective, but to me, swinging has a lot more in common with monogamy than it does with poly. So even if your wife has had sex with others in your presence, she still has not made visible to you her emotions for these people or other people.

Snooping (or looking at someone's browsing history or however you want to phrase it) never ends well. I think an important first question here is: Why were you exploring her Kindle and looking at her private Pinterest page? What is that all about?
 
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What you describe sounds a lot like me before TheKnight and I moved from swinging to (eventually) full poly. I wasn't ready for the conversation, I wasn't even sure this was something I wanted and frankly the entire concept was scary. So I wanted to read more, learn more before even talking about it. In fact, I read most of Ethical Slut in bits at Barnes and Noble because I wasn't ready to be seen reading it. It wasn't me being sneaky because I was doing anything against the terms of our relationship at the time, but still...

Hope that helps...
 
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