Halcyeus
New member
Hello everyone. 38 yr old guy from Vancouver here. Sorry about this but my introduction is going to be a little long. There will be a TLDR at the end, so skip to that if you want.
First a little about me. I'm oh-so ordinary in outward appearance yet quite unusual on the inside. I'm a highly sensitive (sensitive as in attuned, not easily upset) ambivert. I love fitness, meditation and most things cerebral. Although I'm atheist I'm strongly influenced by Zen, which is a major part of my lifestyle and outlook.
Regarding polyamory, I've always been poly in perspective and behaviour, or at the least, non-monogamous. I guess I'm quite idealistic about it, since I'm often surprised the difficulties I encounter being this way. I put that on pause for many years when I got married. My wife admired the idea of polyamory from the beginning but came from a considerably different social background. Consequently, we have had what was ostensibly a monogamous relationship. Although I encouraged her to feel free to explore non-monogamy in her own way she never felt right about it. Polyamory and non-monogamy was merely interesting ideas to talk about until recently.
There came a point we decided that we would try experimenting with seeing other people to see how that went. Initially my wife didn't have anyone available she wanted to see and was sceptical she ever would. She allowed me to go on a date with a women I find very attractive, which was brave of her. I had sex on the date and my wife was furious. Unfortunately my wife and I made the mistake of not establishing clear boundaries. She didn't think I would have sex so quickly and I had no idea this would hurt her. The fallout was terrible for both of us in different ways. I'm not sure how close we came to splitting up but if either of us could have conveniently moved to a new place at that time we would have done so. All this also came when we were both subject to a lot of stress from all quarters, making it all the harder. I told her that the experiment was over, as far as I was concerned, because of the trouble it had brought. She said no, she was not going to be someone who restricted who I was as a person, plus she wanted to try seeing someone else at the least. Despite that I was convinced that it was only a matter of time until we parted ways. She still seemed so very angry and there was still a loss of intimacy (to my mind). I only hoped that when it came to it, we could be as harmonious as possible. After all, we still very much loved each other.
After that she had months of being disappointed with her potential dating pool and one disaster, when trying to arrange a sexual encounter with a friend that never came to be was a factor in him splitting up with his girlfriend. Luckily she did meet a guy, a poly guy, who she liked and shared some interests with her. Their first date was last night and by her account it was wonderful; awkward but wonderful. The guy has a girlfriend who, as far as I know, was not there with them but was in communication with them.
I am happy. This is pretty much what I had hoped for her. She is experiencing a lot of lovely feelings all at once. When she returned last night the first thing she said to me when we talked was that she was sorry about how she'd reacted when I'd had sex with someone else, because the kinds of things she was feeling had not been possible for me.
I'm going forward cautiously. For the time being I think its best that she has time to enjoy her new experiences without having to come to terms with me seeing other people. We could both use some time to heal. I am still hurting and a little disillusioned from the things she did and said while she was angry with me. Also the women I liked broke off contact with me, most likely due to the chaos that ensued me seeing her. Understandable really!
TLDR: Tried to open up my marriage. After some strife my wife has started seeing someone and its (probably) going to be a lot more interesting from here on out.
If my username is strange, you can call me Hal.
First a little about me. I'm oh-so ordinary in outward appearance yet quite unusual on the inside. I'm a highly sensitive (sensitive as in attuned, not easily upset) ambivert. I love fitness, meditation and most things cerebral. Although I'm atheist I'm strongly influenced by Zen, which is a major part of my lifestyle and outlook.
Regarding polyamory, I've always been poly in perspective and behaviour, or at the least, non-monogamous. I guess I'm quite idealistic about it, since I'm often surprised the difficulties I encounter being this way. I put that on pause for many years when I got married. My wife admired the idea of polyamory from the beginning but came from a considerably different social background. Consequently, we have had what was ostensibly a monogamous relationship. Although I encouraged her to feel free to explore non-monogamy in her own way she never felt right about it. Polyamory and non-monogamy was merely interesting ideas to talk about until recently.
There came a point we decided that we would try experimenting with seeing other people to see how that went. Initially my wife didn't have anyone available she wanted to see and was sceptical she ever would. She allowed me to go on a date with a women I find very attractive, which was brave of her. I had sex on the date and my wife was furious. Unfortunately my wife and I made the mistake of not establishing clear boundaries. She didn't think I would have sex so quickly and I had no idea this would hurt her. The fallout was terrible for both of us in different ways. I'm not sure how close we came to splitting up but if either of us could have conveniently moved to a new place at that time we would have done so. All this also came when we were both subject to a lot of stress from all quarters, making it all the harder. I told her that the experiment was over, as far as I was concerned, because of the trouble it had brought. She said no, she was not going to be someone who restricted who I was as a person, plus she wanted to try seeing someone else at the least. Despite that I was convinced that it was only a matter of time until we parted ways. She still seemed so very angry and there was still a loss of intimacy (to my mind). I only hoped that when it came to it, we could be as harmonious as possible. After all, we still very much loved each other.
After that she had months of being disappointed with her potential dating pool and one disaster, when trying to arrange a sexual encounter with a friend that never came to be was a factor in him splitting up with his girlfriend. Luckily she did meet a guy, a poly guy, who she liked and shared some interests with her. Their first date was last night and by her account it was wonderful; awkward but wonderful. The guy has a girlfriend who, as far as I know, was not there with them but was in communication with them.
I am happy. This is pretty much what I had hoped for her. She is experiencing a lot of lovely feelings all at once. When she returned last night the first thing she said to me when we talked was that she was sorry about how she'd reacted when I'd had sex with someone else, because the kinds of things she was feeling had not been possible for me.
I'm going forward cautiously. For the time being I think its best that she has time to enjoy her new experiences without having to come to terms with me seeing other people. We could both use some time to heal. I am still hurting and a little disillusioned from the things she did and said while she was angry with me. Also the women I liked broke off contact with me, most likely due to the chaos that ensued me seeing her. Understandable really!
TLDR: Tried to open up my marriage. After some strife my wife has started seeing someone and its (probably) going to be a lot more interesting from here on out.
If my username is strange, you can call me Hal.
