Navel Gazing and Oranges

chamelia

New member
I am starting this blog as a way to journal all of the thoughts swirling around in my head. There is so much for me to process and I would hate to write in a physical journal somewhere and have it be found by someone. My half-processed thoughts can be unrefined and careless -- I wouldn't want anyone's feelings to be hurt.

But since Muffin and I have talked about opening our relationship up officially, I have been thinking about POSSIBILITIES. This word has been magic to me my whole life. I'm a brainstormer. An idea person. Implementation is a reality check. Maintenance is a necessary chore. But, oh do I get fired up about what is possible! And right now, there are so many possibilities! I'm filled up with crazy ideas, conversations with invisible people and hunger for experience.

There is a guy who volunteers at the theater where I volunteer. I run the box office and handle memberships. He is an actor. We are on the Board of Directors together. Let's call him Actor. There is something electric about our connection. We instantly started flirting with each other even though we knew nothing about one another. We have spent the last year bumping into each other whenever he was in a show or there was a Board meeting, spending an hour after the meeting talking in front of the building long after everyone has left. My crush ebbed and flowed depending on how much he interacted with me.

Last summer, at the fancy end-of-season dinner, I dressed up in my sexiest dress and went to the event -- with Muffin, who knows full well that Actor makes me sweaty and crushy. Since Muffin is not a usual at the theater, I spent a lot of time that night helping him not feel ignored. Disappointingly, but not unsurprisingly, I did not get much time or attention from Actor. I think it was the first time he found out I am married. After that, the flirting from his side cooled down significantly and due to our schedules did not see each other at the theater much this past year. Pity.

This summer, I had the chance to direct a one-act play for the first time. Although it wasn't my intention when I chose the play, he was a perfect fit for one of the roles. Once I realized this meant we would be working together for weeks on end, I hoped he would consider trying out. He heard about the play through the grapevine and asked me about it. I encouraged him to come out without making any promises as I honestly wanted the best person for the role. His audition was perfect, everyone around the casting table agreed and I gave him the part. We started flirting again. The electricity is still there. However, I started to think about it from his perspective. Here I am, a married woman. My advances certainly couldn't be taken seriously since I am not available and, even worse, I might be seen as some sort of cheater.

Yesterday, I casually mentioned to Actor that Muffin and I have an open relationship and that I didn't want him to think that I was doing something inappropriate. He said he now understands that Muffin and I had "an arrangement" and that he has always enjoyed our flirting and it "made his night". I am hoping that will help him feel more comfortable about flirting more openly with me again.

The show closes tomorrow afternoon and then there is the cast party. Honestly, I have been like a cat in heat this past week -- with seeing him every day for tech rehearsals and performances. He clearly loves the role and everyone is congratulating him on his excellent performance. It makes me so happy to see him so proud of himself! And the way he looks when he is adored just makes me adore him more. He has thanked me for casting him a bunch of times. We have so many dynamics between us, it's hard to tease them apart.

If I am honest with myself, he isn't giving me any signs that he wants anything other than flirting with me. I know he is very busy at work and focused on the show, so I don't expect him to allow himself to be distracted by the sudden realness of my availability. Perhaps, if I am to see a change in him, it will be at the cast party or at some point beyond. As for myself, I'm hoping that once the show closes and I go back to only seeing him once a month at Board meetings, I will cease to be distracted by him so much. Honestly, the energy between us is a little much right now!

So I've decided enjoy the sexy energy he raises in me and direct it to self-improvement. It hasn't manifested in a reliable way yet, but it has changed the way I look at myself in the mirror. Muffin loves me no matter what I look like, which is a beautiful and rare gift. However, it has allowed me to stop looking at myself with impressing someone in mind. I do think about getting on the treadmill, but with it being summer and the Monkeys being home all day, it's hard to find a regular time. In the fall, I'll be able to commit myself to a fitness program of some kind -- swimming and/or modern dance seem like the most likely candidates right now.
 
Despite my many fantasies of how things could possibly go at the cast party, it was uneventful. Mostly my own doing. I was super excited before the final performance -- I had many friends and family in the audience and I sat with them to watch instead of being backstage.

Once the show was over, I was blue. This is apparently not uncommon. I had created a fantastic production and then watched the set get disassembled and costumes packed away. There is a chance we'll perform it for everyone at the big awards banquet at the end of the summer (quite the honor!), but that's not been officially decided yet. So I am treating it like the end.

There was a moment where Actor and I were in the costume loft alone together, but it is the least sexy conditions for me (crowded, humid, musty, dusty and probably haunted), so I didn't take advantage of it. I guess I've been giving him a little bit of a wide berth since opening up about my relationship status -- hoping that he would do something to confirm that it's not all in my head. Besides a very long, strong hug goodbye at the cast party, he didn't show me any extra attention.

However, Actor did re-affirm his interest in our game nights. They are super fun and I would enjoy having him there. I will be sure to reach out to him next time we have one. In the meantime, I'll see him at the monthly Board meetings and look forward to our hour-long standing-outside discussions. Maybe I'll see if he wants to move them to the diner and start to get to know him better. I have a fantasy that over the next year, he'll become friends with Muffin and me, I'll get more in shape and then things will naturally evolve. It's a total fantasy, but it keeps me entertained. :)
 
I am not good at keeping up with this forum! There are so many great posts and I don't have as much time to read them as I want. :)

These days, I've been doing a lot of mental grinding. Trying to figure out some self-esteem things and how to do more self-care. It will be much easier to focus on myself once the Monkeys go back to school at the end of August. Until then, I'm just tossing ideas around my mind of what the day might look like, how I will take care of myself, get in shape and pass along all of the volunteer responsibilities that I've gotten involved with that aren't bringing me joy.

I have a longtime friend that I have very confusing feelings about. Let's call him Ref. There are days I love him and want him to be some sort of partner and there are days that I'm not attracted to him at all. For now, we're just good friends, but we are talking about starting an intentional community together 5-10 years in the future. Right now, he's just gotten divorced from the woman that he was dating when we met back in college. They got married, had some kids and now it's run its course. We were only in touch on and off for many years, so our recent re-connection has been lots of fun. I am not interested in pursuing anything with him until he's settled in his new situation, but the *possibilities* of what is possible (gosh, I wish I could make that work shimmer in rainbow colors!) does cross my mind more often than I would like.

I told Muffin about how I stopped flirting with Actor and he said, "You may be hurting his feelings" -- which is not what I was expecting. Muffin is a good partner to me and we're so new to applied/non-hypothetical polyamory, but it's interesting to me to see how we communicate around it. Perhaps I will flirt with Actor again when I see him at the Board meeting, if I'm feeling it. Actor called me the other day, but it was all business. We had never spoken on the phone before and it brought me back to my High School days of talking with crushes on the phone. Now, I prefer talking in person.
 
I am excited about the upcoming schedule change when the Monkeys go back to school. It will give me more time to focus on me. Plus it will help me get back on a regular sleep schedule. Right now, I'm staying up and sleeping in too late. Nothing too crazy, but enough that both Monkeys would miss the bus.

My feelings for Ref are a bit out of control right now. I'm back to being a cat in heat. Most of our communications are over text and while neither of us has outright said anything more than mildly flirty, my mind is enjoying all of the possibilities. I don't get a lot of alone time with him. Mostly he comes to game nights or the whole family gets together with him. However, I'm trying to arrange a dinner with him next week. I have mentioned my lack of cuddles and intend to take advantage of any chance I get to cuddle with him. In my fantasies, that progresses to a "how did this crazy thing happen" kiss, but I go back and forth in my mind if it's a good idea. On one hand, we have known each other a long time and have very compatible personalities and goals. On the other, he's just going through a divorce from someone who used to be a close friend AND he works for my ex AND why would he be interested in some crazy non-standard relationship with me when he could go out and find someone more... standard? But then I tell myself it's just the lack of self-esteem talking and it would be too fun to resist! :)

My thinking about Ref a lot has helped balance out some of my feelings for Actor. Actor has been so unreliable recently. On his birthday, he asked me to meet him for lunch, but I already had plans with my dad and the Monkeys, so I had to say sorry. Then, the other night as we were leaving the Board meeting, I asked what he was doing, he said "Nothing much" so I asked him if he wanted to grab a bite to eat. He said "Sure!" then stalled for a while talking to various folks at the theater. I waited patiently in the lobby until he finally came over and told me he had to take a raincheck because he had some stuff he really needed to take care of. As we were walking out of the the theater together, I mentioned we might have an upcoming game night and he said he would love to be invited. So, I'm not enjoying the mixed signals and though I will see him at the Dinner next weekend, I'm not sure I will be as flirty with him as I was planning. We'll see how he treats me next time I see him.

Honestly, I just need to jump in the Poly Pool. I'm spending so much time thinking about it and wondering and dreaming, but it's all just a mental exercise until I do something about it. I'm feeling more ready than ever. There aren't any poly events close to me, so either I drive a ways or I get brave and set up an OKC profile. Which I don't think I want to do until I'm feeling more confident about myself and my body. If I don't think I'm that lovable, then how can I expect other people to think I am?
 
Oh Ref, you inadvertent tease. That poor man has not had sex with another person in 5 years. Now of course, being the good friend that I am, I am thinking waaaaay too much about helping him with that situation. After all, if he is eventually going to get back into the dating pool, he needs to have been back on that bicycle at least once. :D

What makes it especially juicy to me is that he told me that he is oblivious to flirtation. So now I am wondering if my friendly flirting is going right over his head. Does he *really* have no idea that our daily texting + deep friendship + my poly inklings could equal something more than just friends? I find that so hard to believe! But it is possible... and unlikely, but possible... so juicy fuel for my fantasies.

I saw Actor tonight as well. We were friendly, but not flirty with each other. At one point, he put his arm around me and I stopped whatever I was talking about and said "Hi" and squeezed him. Not nearly as affectionately as I have in the past, but it was a common courtesy squeeze. If that's a thing. The banquet is this weekend. Muffin is staying home, so I will be free to flirt however much I want. I definitely don't think Actor is relationship material anymore (so unreliable and such a crappy communicator), but we will probably end up being flirty for the fun of it. And that's fine enough for me.

So, I checked in on my old OKC profile which is only half filled out to see if there were any matches in my area. Just to see if there was something outside of my potentially disastrous flirtations with Ref and Actor. No one immediately took my interest, but I didn't spend much time on there filling out quizzes and whatnot. I really want to talk with Muffin about taking that step if I'm going to do it. It would be a change from just "wanting to cuddle and kiss more folks" to "looking for lovers".

I am finding myself wondering how much I should disclose to Muffin. I do love and trust him completely, but don't want to say something in passing that would hurt him or cause him to worry. My emotions ebb and flow so many times a day, I don't think it would be fair to process everything with him. I guess that's why I'm on here reading and researching. Trying to wrap my mind about the best possible way to move forward without hitting too many potholes. On one hand, I want to figure out the basic framework of what's okay before there is a real-life relationship with someone in the balance. On the other hand, I don't want to discuss it so much beforehand that it feels hard to discuss because of the multitude of possibilities.

I just like to be spontaneous, but don't want to do something that hurts Muffin, I guess.

Ah poly and processing. They go together like peanut butter and chocolate!
 
Two months away and nothing new to report until last night. My life is certainly not blog-worthy, but I appreciate having a space to process all of my thoughts.

Since I've been taking the Monkeys to swim lessons, I've been missing a lot of Board meetings. Therefore, I haven't had much interaction with Actor since the Dinner, but did run into him while stopping by the theater. We had a nice, short conversation in which he turned his charms on and reaffirmed his desire to get invited to a board game night. I told him I would and went on my merry way. We have chemistry, but he isn't who I'm thinking about.

Ref is the one on my mind. We've had nearly daily texting about all sorts of things and I've grown very attached to him. Although I am fantasizing a lot about him, I am not allowing myself to show or act on my feelings. Ref has never been a romantic option in my life until now and I think right now isn't the best time for him to get involved with someone since he hasn't fully finished his divorce. The paperwork is signed, but the ex still lives with him and the kids. She should be in her own place by the end of the year, but that's just the beginning for him.

So last night, when we were out late having some nibbles and drinks, I was not prepared for his "I'm wondering if I should kiss you." Um, yes! I mean, no. I mean, is this really a good idea? I gently protested that he was not in a good place for doing these kinds of things, but was thinking "What's the big deal?" This is the exact scenario that Muffin and I pre-processed. Not specifically about Ref, but I felt that this could be my first magical poly moment!

But I think I may have blown it. Our kiss was quick and chaste and afterwards, he quickly departed. I was left wondering if he had been using it as a litmus test for our compatibility. And I was feeling like I failed it.

Some of it was that I wasn't allowing myself to feel attracted and passionate about him at all during the time we were hanging out. If I had let the sexual side of myself out to play, then the sparks would have zapped between our lips. Instead, it was empty. And I regret that, but also keep telling myself that I was smart not to start something with Ref at this point of his transition. But I want it to be because we both know it could be, but agree now is not the time. Instead, he probably thinks of me as a sister now.

But I do think we are very compatible. And I am open to something with him. It could be anything from Friends with Benefits to him moving in with us. I am open to anything, but only once he's got his head on straight. Why divorce after 19 years to have a new partner before the ink is dry? I keep encouraging him to go out and have Tinder-filled adventures, but it's not in his wiring. He wants to get laid, but not into one night stands or random encounters. He needs the connection. But he's not going to start a relationship with someone just to get some nookie.

So given all of that, I think we might be a perfect match right now. He wants to connect with someone he cares about and enjoy some of the sexual contact he hasn't had for the last few years of his marriage. I want someone who knows and loves me and can handle the complicated nature of being in a relationship with me. But I only want to proceed if he is sure this is what he wants. Then again, if our physical connection is only a stop-gap measure to help him through a hard time, then it will be time well spent in my eyes... as long as we still come out friends on the other end.
 
The kiss with Ref didn't go anywhere. I did some soul searching and chatted him up a bit. It ends up that he wanted to kiss me to show that he felt close to me that night. He and I have often talked about the idea of more casual intimacy, but it is not something that I have a lot of experience with. Usually, if it's more than a peck on the lips, it's because I am willing to get naked. So we might explore more friendly touching (hand holding, cuddling, etc.) and see where that goes. Defining our own type of relationship outside of the usual definitions.

What's most interesting to me is that through examining my feelings about Ref, I've realized I have a bit of a sugar daddy fantasy. Life can be hard and having someone come along and make things easier is a big turn-on. I like to think of myself as a capable person. Who knew I wanted to be saved? Calgon, take me away! :D

So, now I'm back to feeling really lonely and considering OKC again. I need to meet some new people.

Honestly, polyamory is just a beautiful dream for me right now.
 
So it's been a while since I did any updating. Mostly because I haven't been doing much with the poly aspect of my life. Just reading "Designer Relationships" and reinforcing the foundation work I have done with Muffin.

Ref and I have continued our deep and loving friendship. I encouraged him to date a woman he met on a cruise who lives in another country. We continue to flirt, but I keep it pretty tightly wound in because I don't want to be disrespectful in any way. He did mention to me that if it didn't work out with her, that he'd "be back." (Not that he ever was here.) Then we had a fun conversation of how it would be if he joined The Borg. When I think back on that conversation, I waffle between "I should have said more" and "He can do better than me". I'm glad things are the way they are for now. I really cherish his friendship and am so grateful that he's in my life.

Actor has become more of a friend, but not much of a friend. He's come to a Game Night or two and I see him around the theater a lot. He is often flirty with me and we even spent a few hours talking in his car after a cast party. He is shy and yet at the same time, open with me in a way that I like. He's terrible to keep in touch when we aren't physically together. He'll forget to respond to emails and texts most of the time. At this point, I enjoy his flirting and friendship, but would be surprised if he made the first move.

I have recently reconnected with a guy I used to work with, many years ago. We'll call him Scot. Apparently, we had mutual crushes, but the timing didn't work out. Now, he's married with kids and lives a few towns over. A couple of years ago, I was friendly with his wife and our kids played together. We lost touch and I recently reconnected with him. He told me confidentially that he's been interested in opening up his marriage to more of a swinging situation and hasn't figured out how to ask his wife. We have been texting and I've been giving him some advice. He's been flirting, but I've been steering us to clearer waters. He says he's going to bring up the topic with her on Father's Day, so we'll see if he gets anywhere. I'm not optimistic that Scot's wife will be interested in opening things up, but that's okay. I think she's great for him and they have the most darling kids. He's happy either way and we plan on continuing being sappily-nostalgic friends.

Other than that, I've been checking out OKC and though I haven't seen anyone I'm interested in reaching out to, I mentioned the possibility of setting up a profile to Muffin. He questioned the timing. I'm interested in going to grad school, so I've been busy doing research and filling out applications. When would I even have time to date? So true!
 
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