Navigating Poly

K

kaisum

New member
I am navigating the polyamorous life and I am looking for a bit of advice on how it works for couples that are married, with kids, finances, work and life. I know everyone is different and all circumstances are different. However, I am just looking for a bit of guidance around how others navigate.

A little bit of where am in my navigating....

Hubby and I opened up our marriage last year. However, we were not ready for what this entailed and we closed it off again. During that time, I shut down. I became withdrawn, as an open marriage was something I really wanted. This has had a huge impact on our marriage. Hubby and I are rarely intimate. There is still physical attraction on my part and an occasional want to be intimate with him.

Hubby would be more than happy to remain monogamous. However, deep down, this is not what I want. We have discussed this and he is aware of my wants to explore outside of our marriage.

I love my husband and will always love him. He has stated that he will support me should I choose to follow the poly path, however he cannot do this as husband and wife. We have discussed de-escalating our marriage and what this might look like as NP/Life partners. How did you navigate this with your husband/wife?

Have you always been poly, or is it something that you weren't entirely sure about and wanted to try it?

I am looking for advice, both positive and negative, as I am at a turning point and need to be able to make a well-informed decision from multiple people and different situations.
 
I de-escalated my marriage into a life partnership when sex became non-existent. I also had to mourn the sexual relationship I wanted and remove the option of sex from our relationship in order to have a healthy relationship with that partner.

He has his own room and I have mine. We split household finances based on % of income we each have. Our relationship looks very different, but we are stronger than ever. We love each other very much and plan our future and retirement together.

The beauty of poly is that you CAN have whatever type of relationship you choose with each partner. You don’t have to end an otherwise loving relationship because they don’t fulfill your every need. Nobody can live up to that.

It can be done, but it is not for everyone. We also don’t have kids. He has his girlfriends and I have another life partner who is solo poly. He has no desire to live together at this time. These relationships are a wonderful part of my life. I couldn’t be happier if I tried.
 
Hello kaisum,

Poly is hard for people who have kids, that is surely the biggest of the obstacles you mentioned. Some people take a rain check on poly until their kids are grown. Other people keep calendars and maneuver complex schedules and trade-offs, and make it happen. Assuming they're married, one spouse looks after the kids while the other spouse goes out on a date. Things of that nature.

It seems that your biggest obstacle is that while you want open/poly, your husband wants monogamy. This is an incompatibility between you two. Can you have a mono/poly marriage? one where he remains monogamous, while you try open/poly? That is a solution for some people.

I opened myself to poly in 2005. By then I had already decided that morality was a matter of mutual consent, so the switch to polyamory was easy. The hard part was convincing my would-be metamour to let me be a poly partner with him and his wife. She talked with him about it for about a year, and then he at last consented.

One thing that all poly relationships have in common, is that every poly relationship is different. What works for one solo polyamorist, poly couple, or polycule, does not work for another. You have to figure out what would work for you. You spoke of de-escalating your marriage, and that might be a solution.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top