need advice how to manage this

FWIW: affairs

Whether "of the heart" or outright sexual, affairs tend to be like cockroaches -- there's NO such thing as "just one."

It might be "the most extreme thus far," or it might merely be the one that became obvious, but chances are that it's not an isolated incident.

Add in that there's a learning curve involved, project it into the future, & (cynical me) there'll probably be another try.
 
Burn him!!

This thread turned into an angry mob right off the bat! There don't need to be any bad guys here, though the urge (clearly) is very strong to name one.

Hubby was clearly not thinking straight if he was instantly talking about moving in and having kids with this person he doesn't even know, but that doesn't make him a "master manipulator" (what a thing to say). He had that puppy love craziness going and he has verified that he doesn't know how to deal with those feelings.

Hubby sounds like he's frustrated because he wants something *now* and didn't get the "Sure babe, run free" response he was hoping for. If he's using language like "stunted" he's obviously taking his frustration out on you - which isn't cool. Again, he's not dealing with his new influx of emotions very well.

Hubby doing a 180 is... strange. I would want to have a conversation about what is going on because that doesn't line up with the wildly irrational behavior he was exhibiting before. I recommend against just letting that be, I'd speak up and get some details.

My advice, if you are interested:
  • Be honest with yourself. Emotions can run hot and it can be hard to suss out what we really think about our circumstances. Take the time to be clinical and fearless about examining your opinions and reactions.
  • Be concise in your communication. We very often fall into traps of speaking generally "I need you to be present with me" instead of "I would like for us to turn off our phones during dinner so that we can connect". Actionable words are always going to be more useful than vague "feeling" oriented words.
  • Be patient, both with your own growth and your loved ones. You two are not even close to being in the same place right now, and that needs to be ok. He doesn't need to be where you are, and you don't need to be where he is. The two of you *do* need to acknowledge the validity of both places, however.
  • Don't look for a bad guy. Avoid letting the emotional responses of these posters, and your own instincts, drive you to need a bad guy. Relationships are tricky, people fuck them up (pretty much always), so let a mistake be a mistake and don't put him or yourself in the bad guy category.

Take our opinions with a grain of salt, certainly if they seem to be projecting their own emotion into what is going on with you.
 
Marcus, with all due respect, I go straight to "bad guy" because he messed with the childcare.

It is one thing to step out on your partner without a respectfully negotiated prior agreement, but it is a whole other level of inarguably bad to do it in a way that requires the family to make new childcare arrangements.

If there is no childcare available to me, I can't WORK. That's my INCOME. That is money we use to pay for things like rent and utilities and groceries and the shoes the kids keep growing out of. Even assuming I split the hit in work hours with my partner, and our bosses are magically okay with it (unlikely), that's a lot of money that we're out. And since it is highly likely that the result is actually that one or both of us get fired for failing to show up to our jobs, it's not a minor financial setback.

Daycare wait lists can be months long. Bringing new strangers into your house to take care of your children is stressful as heck, and it's nothing compared to FINDING those people.

So this dude lost me the moment the word "babysitter" came into the equation. That was not okay.

I don't know why he did the 180, although it doesn't change the fact that the situation probably requires a new babysitter.
 
Scapegoat

BlueShoes said:
Marcus, with all due respect, I go straight to "bad guy" because he messed with the childcare.
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Personally, I don't care *why* the blame game is being played by the angry mob, I am merely asserting that it isn't constructive.

If the goal is to further drive a wedge between people, pointing fingers and naming a bad guy is a great way to do it. I'm not guessing that was the desired result for the original poster.
 
Marcus said:
Personally, I don't care *why* the blame game is being played by the angry mob, I am merely asserting that it isn't constructive.

If the goal is to further drive a wedge between people, pointing fingers and naming a bad guy is a great way to do it. I'm not guessing that was the desired result for the original poster.
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I don't think any of our intentions is to drive a wedge, but it is relevant to point out manipulation techniques when they're being used. And, saying someone's preference for monogamy is immature and they need to grow up and accept that being mature means poly is definitely a manipulation technique. Whether he realizes it or not, whether it's intentional or not, that is what i is. His use of those psychological manipulations here deserves to be pointed out, because often those in the situations are too emotional to see them for what they are. Whether it's him just being an NRE-filled selfish ass or not doesn't actually matter--manipulation is harmful, and often difficult to combat if you're already in a really bad situation.

And, knowing what is going on gives the OP a way to see it for what it is and not internalize it, but rather step away from it and keep reasonable perspective and boundaries. It's not about finding a bad guy. It's about calling out bad behavior, which is another thing entirely.
 
This thread turned into an angry mob right off the bat!
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A totally gratuitous reframing, & apparently needless except to make yourself sound like The Lone Voice Of Reason. :p Speciously irrelevant here, but perhaps fascinating some other time.

I agree he's not "a master manipulator" because he's clearly far too impetuous

What would be an opposite of "manipulative"? Would that be something like "reasoned" or "cooperative"? If you'd prefer, choose another word, then explain to me how it applies to childish nonsense like
Since I found out about their relationship, he has been pressuring me to open up and stop being so emotionally stunted.

This is the only way he can be happy and I shouldn't want to control him and should want him to be happy.

He is waiting for me to "work it out" with her and get to a place where I can be happy about this.

... telling me that I need to embrace this opportunity to grow and mature in love as an adult which means accepting his desire for another relationship and even being happy about it.

He ... is still conversing with her ... and including interpretations of my reactions and hangups which don't even seem entirely accurate to me.

I am left feeling dazed, fearful that this might reoccur...

Still feeling totally judged and like he thinks I am an emotional baby for not accepting this.
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I could parse this out almost word-by-word with clear examples of gaslighting, malign triangulation, emotional undercutting, extortion, narcissism, blaming, shaming... well, for anyone who cares to actually learn what's commonly intended by the term "manipulation," here's some basic reading:
Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation
14 Signs of Psychological and Emotional Manipulation

IMNSHO, sounds more like Hubby's still winding up to a petulant foot-stomping temper tantrum. :D
 
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