need advice on how to deal with betrayal in triad

[karsa]

Hi there

I am in my first serious poly relationship and hoping some with more experience can give me some advice.

My DH of over 10 years started a romantic relationship with a non poly woman who thought she could try poly after she fell I love with him.
The idea was that we would have a closed equal triad but it has since become apparent that we have a V at best. The aim is still to build up to a triad but whether this will be possible remains to be seen.
I was treated very poorly early on in the relationship with DH shutting me out/neglecting me to the point that I felt as if he had cheated on me.
He has since apologised but due to my feelings of
hurt and betrayal I have had a hard time being confident in our relationship. I often feel that he does not really love me and that he is just keeping me around because he is used to me or doesnt want to admit that he wants to break up. He has told me that this is not the case but is unable to treat me with the love that I was used to before the poly relationship because I have become a hard person to love. He wants me to act normal before he can show me the kind of love I was used to but I struggle to be normal when I feel like I cant heal without him showing me more love. So there is this catch 22 and fair or not, I need to be the one to get over it if the relationship is to continue.
What makes this all the more harder is that I am feeling isolated and alone while he has the metamour to give him love and affection during this time. He has acknowledged that this is crappier for me but says that I just have to deal with it as it's not fair for them to be unhappy just
because I am.
It has gotten so bad that I am staying at a friends house while DH and metamour are living in our home.
I just need to know if anyone has any advice on how I can get back to 100% when I feel like I have forgiven him but he hasn't proven (imo) that his behaviour has/will change.

 

[Memorandum]

Okay first, that is the biggest dick move for him to be doing. So disrespectful. Doesn't matter that he's admitting he's doing wrong and "apologizing", he's minimized it by turning it all around on you.

- Relationship structure doesn't always fall into what one would like. But this doesn't matter because there are so many glaring flags popping up in your post.

This is not your fault. You don't need to be "normal" in order for him to treat you with the least bit of respect.
I'd be shopping for lawyers if I were you. Preferably one that is ruthless. If your state has alienation of affection, I'd go ahead and run with that as well because it fits. It seems like you've already been replaced.
Imo, I don't believe anyone could be forgiven for that, the way he's gone about it.
Please tell me you don't have joint finances.

 

[LoveBunny]

Wait....so you moved out of YOUR home, and your metamour moved in? No. No no no.

Honestly, what is keeping you in this relationship? Is he doing any work to save your marriage? Do you have any real connection with this woman, who you've said is not poly? I'm not saying he should give up his girlfriend, not at all. Nor does this need to be a "closed triad. Also, you ought to know, there really isn't any such thing as an "equal triad." Always, there will different feelings between the three partners. That everyone will love each other the same is an unrealistic expectation. There's nothing wrong a "V," but if he gets a girlfriend, you get to date too, without him involved.

This doesn't sound like a balanced, poly V. This sounds like you've been replaced by a "cowgirl" (someone out to steal your man.)

Lose them.

 

[Dagferi]

Unfortunately this is a common out come for a triad. She was interested in your husband only. She only agreed to a triad to keep him. You brought a classic cowgirl into your marriage and lost.

Cut your losses...

 

[karsa]

I have never heard of a cowgirl before but have to admit that I've often felt this way. When I have raised this doubt about feeling that not everyone is truely in this for a poly relationship I've been told that its just my own insecurity and that they both want this to work. DH has said that if anyone is not trying it's me which I feel is the complete opposite of whats happening. Metamour says she wants a more physical relationship with me but I feel she doesnt act on that. She doesnt spoon me during the night when I sleep next to her and doesnt often initiate the physical contact we do have. She does generally accept contact from me but I almost always have an uneasy feeling with her. The 2 times she has approached the idea of increasing intamacy with me she has run it by DH first and then had a chat with me to tell me that she thinks we should see each other naked or take a shower together. Ive always wanted a closer relationship with her but never broached these things because I felt like she wasnt even very comfortable with the smaller stuff. With everything else thats been going on I sometimes feel like she is trying to win points with DH so that I look like the one not trying and its really hard to discern if this is the case or im just being paranoid.
I guess the other thing tonask is if she is a cowgirl, how do I get DH to see this? I dont want to throw away 16 years with him.

 

[Memorandum]

- He's turning it around blaming you, still.
- With this new info my guess is she's doing whatever she's doing with you, as a "price of admission" to stay with your husband.
Since you're not living in your own home at the moment who knows what else is going on. I'd at least check to see if your stuff hasn't been moved elsewhere within.

I understand 16 years is a long time but would you put up with that kind of behavior from someone you weren't married to, and knew for just as long? That's like using the "but they're my family" excuse.
I wouldn't let the fact that if I was married, become an automatic pass for letting all kinds of shit slide that I wouldn't with anyone else.

 

[Marcus]

Ive always wanted a closer relationship with her but never broached these things because I felt like she wasnt even very comfortable with the smaller stuff.

If it was presented to her that in order for her to have access to DH that she must also be romantically interested in you, it seems that your association with her was set up for failure from the get go. There is no tit-for-tat in love, if she's not interested in being in a relationship with you then there is no reason to continue trying or agonizing over it in the least.

I strongly suggest letting this unrealistic expectation go entirely; drop it like it's on fire.

I was treated very poorly early on in the relationship with DH shutting me out/neglecting me to the point that I felt as if he had cheated on me.

Introducing a new partner to an existing relationship can be stressful, even without placing the unrealistic "closed equal triad" expectation on the situation. The new lovers have a tendency to shower each other with affection while the third person feels left out in the cold. It is very common.

This doesn't sound like a balanced, poly V. This sounds like you've been replaced by a "cowgirl" (someone out to steal your man.)

Lose them.

The issue is a matter of expectation, in my opinion. When he started dating her you [OP] had an image of this perfect balance of everyone getting equal love and attention but instead got the harsh reality that new lovers act like new lovers. It's unfortunate but, certainly in people who are new to experiencing this, it's the way that it goes. Viewing this response as someone acting inappropriately and getting good and pissed off about it is one way to go, but it is probably not going to get you anywhere (unless ending the relationship and being resentful is your ultimate goal).

It is *possible* that this person is a cowgirl who never had any intention of working within an open relationship, but with the information provided that doesn't seem evident to me. You guys knew she was monogamous and it is apparent that you have just as much experience with poly as she does... which means that mistakes are pretty much guaranteed. It's ok, we can learn from mistakes, but only if you can remain calm and avoid playing the blame game as some seem to be suggesting.

I suggest taking an honest look at your expectations and see if you can get DH and possibly the new girl to express their expectations to you. This way you can make a decision based on what everyone wants out of the arrangement. Who knows, maybe the three sets of expectations won't line up and things need to be adjusted or even dissolved completely, but I'd be very curious to find this out before I made any big decisions or pointed any fingers.

Good luck.

 

[Memorandum]

I'm not suggesting playing a blame game, it's pretty clear he's acting like an asshole towards her.

Did you miss the part where he is basically withholding love and affection until OP "gets her shit together" ("normal")? Which comes off as: "If only she (OP) can hurry up and get over the fact that I (husband) am doing what I please with little regard to her feelings. Besides I already apologized, all is forgiven, nothing more needs to be done on my end. Don't come to me with your problems when I already know it's involves me."
Preemptive dismissal.
Doesn't matter how many times I read their posts, although minimized, he's still acting terribly towards OP.

 

[karsa]

If it was presented to her that in order for her to have access to DH that she must also be romantically interested in you, it seems that your association with her was set up for failure from the get go. There is no tit-for-tat in love, if she's not interested in being in a relationship with you then there is no reason to continue trying or agonizing over it in the least.

I strongly suggest letting this unrealistic expectation go entirely; drop it like it's on fire.



Introducing a new partner to an existing relationship can be stressful, even without placing the unrealistic "closed equal triad" expectation on the situation. The new lovers have a tendency to shower each other with affection while the third person feels left out in the cold. It is very common.



The issue is a matter of expectation, in my opinion. When he started dating her you [OP] had an image of this perfect balance of everyone getting equal love and attention but instead got the harsh reality that new lovers act like new lovers. It's unfortunate but, certainly in people who are new to experiencing this, it's the way that it goes. Viewing this response as someone acting inappropriately and getting good and pissed off about it is one way to go, but it is probably not going to get you anywhere (unless ending the relationship and being resentful is your ultimate goal).

It is *possible* that this person is a cowgirl who never had any intention of working within an open relationship, but with the information provided that doesn't seem evident to me. You guys knew she was monogamous and it is apparent that you have just as much experience with poly as she does... which means that mistakes are pretty much guaranteed. It's ok, we can learn from mistakes, but only if you can remain calm and avoid playing the blame game as some seem to be suggesting.

I suggest taking an honest look at your expectations and see if you can get DH and possibly the new girl to express their expectations to you. This way you can make a decision based on what everyone wants out of the arrangement. Who knows, maybe the three sets of expectations won't line up and things need to be adjusted or even dissolved completely, but I'd be very curious to find this out before I made any big decisions or pointed any fingers.

Good luck.

It wasnt set up for a tit-for-tat although I do think that DH was naive and thought this would pretty much be the case. I excused a lot of bad behaviour as NRE but because he denied a lot of his behaviour it bacame a real issue.
I also wanted to believe that there would eventually be a more or less equal partnership between the three of us but knew this wouldnt be the case in the beginning. But we have been living together for the past 6 months and things just dont seem to be progressing at a rate I feel is reasonable. I know this is my expectation and perhaps I am able to move along faster but I have also been told that I need to do more and I feel like I do the major work to keep this going between the three of us.
I think one thing that is making everything so much harder is the fact that we are all living under the one roof and sharing the same bed so I am forced to see a lot of intamacy between the two of them that at this point I woukd rather not have to witness all the time. I do enjoy compersion but lately it is hit and miss if I will feel good or bad when they are together. I try to overcome this but it's hard when I feel like my primary relationship is on the rocks and we are given no alone time to sort things out and if I ask for alone time I feel like it is a major nuisance to metamour.
I also feel like I'm not able to say that the original set up has not worked and to try to offer a reshuffle of the relationship will be taken as me "giving up" on the ideal triad DH had in mind.
I'm sick of ALWAYS having to share DH because the only time I can be alone with him is when I organise it with everyone, it is never offered to me.

Sorry, I know I'm a big bag of emotions. I would love to be able to push a reset button on this relationship and start it off with more reasonable expectations from everyone but I'm pretty sure it's not feasible after everything has happened.

 

[Marcus]

I also feel like I'm not able to say that the original set up has not worked and to try to offer a reshuffle of the relationship will be taken as me "giving up" on the ideal triad DH had in mind.

Reality trumps desire. You and DH wanted a triad but you are not in a triad because one of the members isn't interested in the other member (she's not interested in you). It's ok to be wrong, but clinging on to this relationship structure like it's the only hope of survival will be one of the reasons that the relationship (at least one of them) fails.

If you are not comfortable with having a discussion with DH about what is going on this is a pretty catastrophic sign. Again, your expectations are clearly not lining up with what I can only guess his expectations are. In order for this to even have a chance of working your expectations need to be the same or compatible.

I'm sick of ALWAYS having to share DH because the only time I can be alone with him is when I organise it with everyone, it is never offered to me.

Sorry, I know I'm a big bag of emotions. I would love to be able to push a reset button on this relationship and start it off with more reasonable expectations from everyone but I'm pretty sure it's not feasible after everything has happened.

I don't think you are unreasonable for being stressed out, this is a freaking stressful situation. My only suggestion is to try to look past that and get into "what to do now". This question can't really be answered unless you know "what you want to do now" and know his answer to that as well. If you can't talk to him and he doesn't seem to want to talk to you... "what to do now" seems to have fewer available answers.

 

[Dagferi]

Nothing negative you say to your husband about his new love is going to sway how he feels about her. It is going to be taken as you're attacking her.

He is high on new relationship energy. She is shiny new and wonderful. You will be interpreted as the jealous wife.

This marriage may not be savable. The only path you have is to tell him that you love him want to work on your marriage and your relationship with your husband not the triad. He will either work on your marriage or choose not to do so.

Polyamory will put a huge spotlight on every flaw an existing relationship has. Triads except those which develop organically over time tend to be marriage killers.

 

[karsa]

Reality trumps desire. You and DH wanted a triad but you are not in a triad because one of the members isn't interested in the other member (she's not interested in you). It's ok to be wrong, but clinging on to this relationship structure like it's the only hope of survival will be one of the reasons that the relationship (at least one of them) fails.

I agree but I'm also being told that she does want a triad ultimately but that it is hard because she has never done anything like this. I know that I don't find it to be so hard and I have also never done anything like this and when I say this I'm told that I'm the one making it hard, and I just can't accept that.

I don't think you are unreasonable for being stressed out, this is a freaking stressful situation. My only suggestion is to try to look past that and get into "what to do now". This question can't really be answered unless you know "what you want to do now" and know his answer to that as well. If you can't talk to him and he doesn't seem to want to talk to you... "what to do now" seems to have fewer available answers.

DH can't really tell me what he wants to do now because he is leaving with metamour to visit her family in germany in a week and I am heading interstate to visit family this week while they are away. I wanted to put things on hold and see a therapist when he returned but am terrified that while he is away they will continue to create this world where I am to blame for all their troubles.
I know how crap that sounds and people will say that if that's the case then he doesn't deserve to be with me but it doesn't make me feel any better when I still love him and we have kids together.

 

[Memorandum]

How old are the kids?
_____
German? Yeah, she was definitely doing whatever with you as a "price of admission".
She's visiting her parents with him. Guaranteed your name won't even be coming out of his mouth. You won't exist, although your kids might.

Re: Lawyer and see about your finances. Don't have to go forward with anything since it seems like you don't want to. Just to know where you stand and potential options if it comes down to it.

 

[karsa]

How old are the kids?
_____
German? Yeah, she was definitely doing whatever with you as a "price of admission".
She's visiting her parents with him. Guaranteed your name won't even be coming out of his mouth. You won't exist, although your kids might.

We have a 4 year old and I'm 6 months pregnant. I didnt mention children earlier because I dont want to drag them into what's going on but the reason I did mention it was because I cant just cut and run, if we hreak up we still have to be able to have a relationship of some description for kids sake.

She is planning on telling her parents about the poly relationship when she goes home. They already know that DH has a kid but I think they have assumed it is from a previous relationship. She has avoided the issue with them so far but that is supposed to change when she goes back.

 

[Dagferi]

We have a 4 year old and I'm 6 months pregnant. I didnt mention children earlier because I dont want to drag them into what's going on but the reason I did mention it was because I cant just cut and run, if we hreak up we still have to be able to have a relationship of some description for kids sake.

She is planning on telling her parents about the poly relationship when she goes home. They already know that DH has a kid but I think they have assumed it is from a previous relationship. She has avoided the issue with them so far but that is supposed to change when she goes back.

And you believe that?

Oh honey I have a real estate deal for you...

Wise up please.

 

[Memorandum]

That just made this so much worse imo. He also comes off worse as well.
I've lived in Germany for a few years. She's most likely not going to clarify a damn thing with them, if I'm guessing her parent's generation correctly. Because it will make the both of them look bad in their eyes. Especially him.

 

[Dagferi]

Yep my best friend is from Germany. He says she isn't going to tell her folks anything about being in a triad.

 

[GreenAcres]

I assume your folks and his know about your triad-turned-Vee?

We have a 4 year old and I'm 6 months pregnant. I didnt mention children earlier because I dont want to drag them into what's going on but the reason I did mention it was because I cant just cut and run, if we hreak up we still have to be able to have a relationship of some description for kids sake.

She is planning on telling her parents about the poly relationship when she goes home. They already know that DH has a kid but I think they have assumed it is from a previous relationship. She has avoided the issue with them so far but that is supposed to change when she goes back.

 

[karsa]

I'm not sure it's really something I should be worried about, whether or not she tells her folks. I don't want to judge her before she has done/not done what she says she will.
And if she doesn't tell them wouldn't that send a red flag to DH that she isn't really ok with this relationship that she keeps saying she is?
I don't think I can worry about her telling her folks or not at all. I feel like there are bigger issues going on here between DH and I and whether or not we can be together in or out of a poly relationship. I want to believe we can but I can't control him so cant make him engage with me more than he wants to, which right now isn't much due to the fact that I'm hard to love.
I want to believe that if I can get over everything he will change but I am terrified that if he doesn't I will have allowed things to get worse.

 

[karsa]

I assume your folks and his know about your triad-turned-Vee?

Yes they both know. My mum is very concerned for me at the moment but is the most accepting of the lifestyle choice. She would be fine with it if I was happy and things were going well. DHs mum is not at all ok with it.