Need Advice

K

kittykat420

New member
My name is Kat to start with. So I am having this what seems to go on forever dilemma and looking to get advice. I have been openly poly since I was 14 and pansexual since I was a kid. I met this guy we dated casual but got married. He knew I was poly but is against it. We divorced because outside forces made us. During our marriage we had a child and the child he brought into the marriage I have raised and I see him as mine. During the last almost 8 years we have been on and off, breaking up most of the time because I wasn't happy being monogamous. Well together or not we have basically always been involved, I love him so much. Recently he has told me I need to choose its him or my beliefs. This would hurt me seeing the kids and like I said I love him. I have been made to choose before I put my foot down this time (rather tried to) and I am stuck. I don't want to lose him but I have never been happy being monogamous. I guess what I am asking is if anyone has been able to stop being poly and still be happy? Or what have people had for experiences with dealing with this?
 
I mean this kindly ok? :eek:

Stick to your beliefs. Though they can change, you have to want to change them and point blank? You do not want to. Both could accept that.

Romantically you guys are not compatible. You have broken up many times before. Both could accept that.

Stop focussing on what you cannot have. Focus on what you could share instead... Friendship, co-parenting. Now you might not get those either because this is not all based on what you want. A two people thing has to line up with both people to exist. That is a limit of the universe. You cannot control someone else. Both of you could accept that.

But I suggest moving on to working towards a shared relationship that is more possible here. Because a romance just is not. :(

Move it forward rather than keep it in the stuck. Work on acceptance.

Galagirl
 
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re

I'm accepting of moving forward I've tried his theroy is it I won't be with him to get out it his life and that likely would mean our son that legally isn't mine he probably would take from me.
 
that likely would mean our son that legally isn't mine he probably would take from me.
Click to expand...

Yes. He may choose to no longer interact with you as well as no longer allow you to interact with his son. Another limit of the universe. While you love this child dearly, this child is in his custody.

You could talk to him about what sort of relationship with his son he might be ok with. Just as you could talk about what sort of relationship he could have with your child that you might be ok with.

That's all going to be part of the stuff you guys could talk about so you both can move on to new arrangements. Fearing an outcome is not a reason to NOT have these conversations. It doesn't change what has to happen -- still have to sort things out.

I am very sorry this is emotionally difficult. :(

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
That sounds very miserable and the possible "what ifs" are endless and potentially miserable too.

But I agree with GG.
Don't compromise your beliefs.

Bottom line; you've already seen that monogamy doesn't work for you. Miserable parents raise miserable children.

Maybe he will take that child from you. Likely if he does he will have a miserable angry child to deal with and that sucks too. But you don't get to make his choices. You only get to control your own choices and your first duty as a parent is to take care of yourself and do what is best for you so that your children learn that it is their right AND responsibility to do what is best for them as adults too.
 
The only advice I give is be honest with yourself. If you know in yourself that you are not happy being monogamous, then live that truth and express that truth and let the chips fall where they may.

You may lose him and the ability to parent that child, but you are losing something far more important if you compromise yourself in a way you don't want to. It will hurt for some time, certainly, but he deserves the freedom to find a partner that shares his relationship philosophy and so do you. Unfortunately, it looks like you aren't able to do this for each other. *HUGS*
 
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