Need help understanding something (triads and Vs)

[jlpanian]

What you are looking for does not have to be "polygamy," depending on the spiritual commitment and relationship dynamics of everyone involved.

Would you be open to a girlfriend who would also have the option of having another lover, other than yourself?

That's a tough question! I have already written and rewritten responses several times, only to delete them all. I guess the best answer is, honestly, no. If I said yes, I'd feel like my wife were getting the short end of the stick, and I'm not looking for just an extra relationship on the side. I'm looking for a relationship with my wife and another woman (except no three-way sex or anything).

I think I would be more accepting of the other woman having outside relationships, more so than I would be with my wife. (Remember, my wife likes the idea of me being with another woman, not vice versa.) But the problem with saying yes is that I'd feel like I was diminishing the connection between another woman and our relationship. It's not that I wouldn't think she could love two different people. But I feel that I'm looking for someone to come join our life!

As RP says, this is very complicated, because it's easy to want this new person to conform to our lives, but we need to be equally supportive and conform to her life, as well. I am not sure this woman even exists, but hypothetically this is how I see it, in my mind.

 

[geminigirl]

What you're wanting is not ethically wrong, though it might not be ideal for many people. My suggestion is to be VERY honest with women that you meet about what you want, and let them decide for themselves. I don't think it's impossible for you to find a partner who would be happy with this arrangement, but it is important to remember that everyone's relationship needs are personal, and can change over time. Loving any other person is always a risk and we cannot control all the factors involved.

Ask for what you want, as honestly as you can, and be open to people, regardless of their flaws and variances.

 

[Tonberry]

I find it difficult to understand what she would see as the advantage, knowing my husband's struggles to have enough time with me.

I can understand it, actually. I feel the same about my husband. I want him to get more than what I alone can bring to him, and I want an "accomplice" to share things with, to plan surprises, to organise things together, etc.

But in my case, I just wouldn't be able to be mono, so I guess that's the part I have more trouble "getting."

JLP, what if you met a woman who felt the same way, but who was already married? Say, a mirror version of your own situation. The man isn't interested in other relationships, the woman is, the man wants her to have another man, etc.

And they want to be one big family. Not "she joins your family, but has someone on the side" but they would both join your family. You'd all raise all your kids together, and so on.

Does that seem bad to you, as well? I'm asking because I'm thinking maybe it's the question of "outsiders" that is a problem. But what if the other man were not an outsider? What if he became part of the family, as well? Your wife and he would have things in common, being the mono ones. You would share a wife with him, and therefore have that same "accomplice" relationship I was referring to earlier. Would that possibly work?

Of course, you can't really plan ahead. As RP said, what happens is just unpredictable. You'd meet someone with their own baggage, their own expectations. You often have to rethink your rules or boundaries to accommodate everyone. But I find it can be helpful to think about various situations, and ponder how you would feel about them, because then, if you encountered someone like that down the road, you'd be more prepared.

 

[jlpanian]

Tonberry, thanks for joining in the discussion. I have not actually thought about that. I think you may be onto something. When I think about outsiders, or mystery men, I think I am probably afraid of the unknown in that regard.

As I think about the couples idea, it doesn't seem that bad. There are plenty of times I would love to have another great guy friend to hang out with and do things with. I think I would have to trust him pretty well (and I'm sure the same would go for him, especially since we would be sharing the same woman).

I think I am the most open to this idea, more so than some of the others. Very interesting contribution, thank you.