Need Serious Advice :/

W

wildbutterfly17

New member
So, I've been with my boyfriend for two years. We started poly and I met him because I was in an open relationship with someone else and that someone else couldn't take it so I dumped him to go with the guy I'm poly with now. It was love at first sight and I care so much about him.
BUT I don't even know if i'm poly at all. When I think about the fact that my boyfriend will always be shopping around for the rest of our lives (he wants to be together forever) it kills me.
Not to mention the dates he goes on are always with girls that are 18-21 (so younger than me) and often times hotter than me. Feels like I'm just waiting to be replaced by the next, newer, shiner model of the year. (He left his ex to be with me and I'm younger and hotter than her. Surprise, surprise.)
Recently I let him go on vacation with another partner and it made me feel good that it made him so happy but every day he was gone and I couldn't help but picture them together and all the ways she might be better than me or more exciting than me I sat and cried for hours.
I get he loves me because I'm the one that he takes to Europe and to family things and buys a bunch of stuff for. I understand I'm the most important relationship in his life... no matter how many stupid fucking coffee dates he goes on (try two in a day 7 days a week) but I'm starting to wonder: What's the point.
Need advice! And kinda just to vent lol.
 
wildbutterfly17 said:
....girls that are 18-21 (so younger than me) and often times hotter than me. Feels like I'm just waiting to be replaced by the next, newer, shiner model of the year. (He left his ex to be with me and I'm younger and hotter than her. .....I couldn't help but picture them together and all the ways she might be better than me or more exciting than me I sat and cried for hours.
Click to expand...

Two things:

1. There is a lot about this that are just stories you're telling yourself, not Truth. They are just ideas that you buy into, but they aren't fact.
Younger women are "hotter" because they are younger.
There always has to be a winner and a loser of a guy's attention.
New women are more desirable.
Etc. etc.

2. If he is going on 2 coffee dates a day and it kills you, why even consider being with him? This doesn't sound like polyamory, it sounds like he's a young guy who wants to date a lot and is nowhere near being ready to have polyamorous relationships, which take an awful lot of emotional maturity. He doesn't sound poly to me, he sounds young and horny.
 
Hi wildbutterfly17,

I take it you don't want to leave your boyfriend no matter what, but at the same time you wish he wouldn't date younger women much less at the rate of two coffee dates per day. In fact you seem to not want him to date anyone else at all. You want him to be monogamous with you.

That's not necessarily a bad thing to want, but you do have to realize that what you want and what will happen may be two different things. In this situation, the most you can do is talk to your boyfriend and ask him to date others less or not at all. You can ask him, and then he can decide what he wants to do. It's not like you can put him in shackles and force him to stay at home with you. Would you want to even if you could?

I know you don't want to break up, but you may want to consider it. :(

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
wildbutterfly17 said:
So, I've been with my boyfriend for two years. We started poly and I met him because I was in an open relationship with someone else and that someone else couldn't take it so I dumped him to go with the guy I'm poly with now. It was love at first sight and I care so much about him.
BUT I don't even know if i'm poly at all. When I think about the fact that my boyfriend will always be shopping around for the rest of our lives (he wants to be together forever) it kills me.
Not to mention the dates he goes on are always with girls that are 18-21 (so younger than me) and often times hotter than me. Feels like I'm just waiting to be replaced by the next, newer, shiner model of the year. (He left his ex to be with me and I'm younger and hotter than her. Surprise, surprise.)
Recently I let him go on vacation with another partner and it made me feel good that it made him so happy but every day he was gone and I couldn't help but picture them together and all the ways she might be better than me or more exciting than me I sat and cried for hours.
I get he loves me because I'm the one that he takes to Europe and to family things and buys a bunch of stuff for. I understand I'm the most important relationship in his life... no matter how many stupid fucking coffee dates he goes on (try two in a day 7 days a week) but I'm starting to wonder: What's the point.
Need advice! And kinda just to vent lol.
Click to expand...

Aside from the already-good posts by FallenAngelina and Kevin:

1. If he's the kind of guy who rates women by how "young and hot" they are, why in the world are you with him? I mean, I get enjoying and being attracted to people who are physically attractive, but if he's so shallow that those are his predominant criteria, you've already "lost." Because there is *always* someone younger and hotter than you, no matter how young and hot you are. Which leads me to..

2. Consider taking a break from him, and working on yourself. Figure out why you're attracted to partners that make you feel like your worth is mostly tied to a competitive rate of youth and/or "hotness." You are worth more than measurements, but you have to see that before others will.
 
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