Need to work on myself

[Katiebee]

Hello,

My husband and I are in the midst (hopefully end of the midst) of a messy entry to the Poly world. All messy details aside, I've been reading the books suggested by this site and feel like Poly really is the way to go for me.

Hubs found a girlfriend pretty quickly and it's actually made our relationship better. He's more attentive to me, more engaged with the family (we have an 8-year old son) and the girlfriend seems like a really nice lady and a good fit for him. He gets a cute grin on his face everytime he gets a text from her. I'm very happy for him. Also-it gets him out of the house doing something healthy instead of us just eating dinner then watching TV till bedtime...EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Now it feels like a treat when we can lounge and watch TV cuddled up on the couch.

I too have a LDR with someone I've known for a long time which grew into something more. I have yet to be physically intimate with him due to the distance, but hopefully will in the next few months. I love him and am not really interested in dating around.

Here are the two things I am struggling a bit with.

Hubs and Lady presented each other with clean STD panels, she is incapable of getting pregnant and he has had a vasectomy. The brain in me told him, I'd probably be fine with them going unprotected at some point in the future. He said "thank you, we're not even close to that yet, but I appreciate it". They had unprotected sex the next date. He said it wasn't planned, things just got really hot and I'd said it was OK, so it happened. One of the things that slid us spinning into Poly was some cheating and untruthfulness. The next time Hubs and I got intimate, all I could think about was "how do I know he's not lying? I don't even know this girl really, what am I doing?!?" I continued to have sex with him, but the next time (this morning), asked him to wear a condom which was a total bonerkill. We wound up not having sex. If everything he says is true, intellectually, everything should be fine. When I put it to paper for myself, I shouldn't really have a problem. They've been having sex together for a while and I've been happy for him. He's even spent the night with her. That doesn't bother me. I think I need to work on this fight my brain and heart are having. Any tips or suggestions?

The other thing I wrestle with on occasion is my jealousy that he gets to see his new lady twice a week. They get to go out on dates, have sex and enjoy the pleasure of each other's company and I have to wait for logistical reasons to be with my love. Hubs has also said he doesn't think he can handle more than two nights of me being with him, so when I DO get to go, it will be a quick trip. I know from the books, Hubs doesn't really have a right to stake those claims, but I want all of this to work. It's been good for us, so I'm willing to restrict my freedom a little for a good long term outcome. I guess there aren't really any tips for all that, I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Thanks so much for any insight!

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello,

My husband and I are in the midst (hopefully end of the midst) of a messy entry to the Poly world. All messy details aside, I've been reading the books suggested by this site and feel like Poly really is the way to go for me.

Hubs found a girlfriend pretty quickly and it's actually made our relationship better. He's more attentive to me, more engaged with the family (we have an 8-year old son) and the girlfriend seems like a really nice lady and a good fit for him. He gets a cute grin on his face everytime he gets a text from her. I'm very happy for him. Also-it gets him out of the house doing something healthy instead of us just eating dinner then watching TV till bedtime...EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Now it feels like a treat when we can lounge and watch TV cuddled up on the couch.

I too have a LDR with someone I've known for a long time which grew into something more. I have yet to be physically intimate with him due to the distance, but hopefully will in the next few months. I love him and am not really interested in dating around.

Have you actually met him yet, or is this "love" a chatting/texting/phoning thing only?

Here are the two things I am struggling a bit with.

Hubs and Lady presented each other with clean STD panels, she is incapable of getting pregnant and he has had a vasectomy. The brain in me told him, I'd probably be fine with them going unprotected at some point in the future. He said "thank you, we're not even close to that yet, but I appreciate it".

They had unprotected sex the next date. He said it wasn't planned, things just got really hot and I'd said it was OK, so it happened. One of the things that slid us spinning into Poly was some cheating and untruthfulness. The next time Hubs and I got intimate, all I could think about was "how do I know he's not lying? I don't even know this girl really, what am I doing?!?" I continued to have sex with him, but the next time (this morning), asked him to wear a condom which was a total bonerkill. We wound up not having sex. If everything he says is true, intellectually, everything should be fine. When I put it to paper for myself, I shouldn't really have a problem. They've been having sex together for a while and I've been happy for him. He's even spent the night with her. That doesn't bother me. I think I need to work on this fight my brain and heart are having. Any tips or suggestions?

How long has Hubs been seeing his OSO? You've met her? He trusts her, she doesn't have any other current partners? Your brain says it's OK for them to go unprotected, but your heart says otherwise?

It is very concerning that he said they weren't anywhere near close to going condomless, and yet they did the very next time they were together! I'd say you were entirely justified to have asked him to use a condom the next time you two had sex. Bonerkill be damned. That was the consequence. If he wants to fuck you, he shouldn't have gone condomless with OSO before informing you first. "Getting carried away" is an extremely lame excuse. I can never understand it. No one gets THAT horny. It is always a choice. Especially, as you said, this polyamorous decision began with some cheating issues.

You two need to sit down and have a talk. Not in bed, not when intercourse is imminent, but fully clothed and sober.

By the way, do you and he go on romantic dates, or does all your downtime merely consist of watching TV?

The other thing I wrestle with on occasion is my jealousy that he gets to see his new lady twice a week. They get to go out on dates, have sex and enjoy the pleasure of each other's company and I have to wait for logistical reasons to be with my love. Hubs has also said he doesn't think he can handle more than two nights of me being with him, so when I DO get to go, it will be a quick trip. I know from the books, Hubs doesn't really have a right to stake those claims, but I want all of this to work. It's been good for us, so I'm willing to restrict my freedom a little for a good long term outcome. I guess there aren't really any tips for all that, I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Thanks so much for any insight!

I hear you on being envious. Many partnered poly people do have to struggle with that. But what can you do? Your bf is far away. That is your choice, to do a LDR.

Now that your Hubs has "cheated" on you by going condomless with his gf without your agreement, I think it's hypocritical of him to demand you only visit your bf for 2 days. Much to discuss. Maybe you could write an itemized list of discussion points, and set a date for going over them. Try not to let the talk go on too long, especially if things get heated and fraught with emotional overload. Take a break, and have another talk another day.