Nerves Ahead of a First Date

L

LondonGuy

New member
Hi All, I just wanted to say I have a first date on Saturday and am super excited about it :) It's funny I'm also really quite nervous. I've been poly for about 3 years but not met that many people who I really would like to date. I've not had a first date in 18 months!!

I guess one of the big anxieties which is playing on my mind is that, while my first experiences of polyamory were of wonderful compersion and all positive, my more recent experiences were less so. My ex who I broke up with 2 years ago made it very difficult for me to date and caused drama whenever I tried - despite her having two boyfriends throughout our relationship.

By contrast my girlfriend that I have been with for the last 18 months has always stated that she wants me to follow what I want, she's positive and wonderful about everything. It's been drama free. I guess my past experiences (particularly in polyamory) have left me worrying that drama is just around the next corner. I'm a little scared of making her jealous and making her feel like she has to leave so I can have what I want.

I really hope I don't let my nerves show on Saturday but also don't want to overcompensate and come off looking like an jerk. Any tips?
 
You can't drive a car forward if you're only looking in the rear-view mirror. In other words, my advice is to let the past go.

You're in a different place in your life, with a different GF now, who is encouraging and understanding, and you're going to meet someone new. Let yourself enjoy the experience, enjoy meeting another human being and learning about them. Be as excited as you are -- it's okay! And, if you are still feeling nervous on Saturday (it's not a given that you will be!) it's also okay to let your date know. Nothing breaks the ice better than the humble truth and a sense of humor, as in, "I know I seem as cool as a cucumber, but I've been nervous and excited about meeting you all week."

Don't worry, you'll be fine!

And, regarding your current GF, you can't "make her" jealous. Jealousy is borne of insecurity and fear of losing something we want to hold onto. Being as honorable as you've always been, considerate of her feelings, and assuring her of your love/respect/affection, should take care of everything you need to take care of on your end. If she feels jealous, it's her responsibility to do her own personal work on that.
 
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Hi LondonGuy,

I agree with nycindie that it's okay to admit to your date that you're feeling nervous. People lots of times feel nervous on a first date. It's obvious to me what you have to do, you have to treat your date with kindness and courtesy. If you do, she should be able to forgive any nervousness you have.

Not that anything in life can be guaranteed. It's a little weird of me to suggest it, but it might be helpful to watch the movie "Magnolia" (1999). Many story lines play out in the movie, but pay special attention to the policeman who goes out on a first date. The date seems to end up failing, but that isn't the end of that story. Watch the movie, you'll see what I mean.

Don't be afraid to be yourself, and let us know how the date goes if you're willing.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for the advice :)

I guess I'll just share with her that I'm feeling nervous. I am super excited too though!!

We've got the most fun first date all planned - we're off to a rope workshop together. I love playing with rope and it should give me an opportunity to show off a bit with my skills :p

Andrew
 
I had a great time. It was a blind date, we'd seen each other online (OKCupid) but other than a few unclear pictures we hadn't really known exactly what to expect.

Turns out she was stunning.

She took us to a really cool little vegan restaurant, then we went off to the rope workshop.

It was the best rope event I've ever been to.

We had a first kiss afterwards.

Then we went back to meet her other partners. I got on really well with both of them (she's in a triad) and also got on well with her girlfriends other partner.

However, despite all that I'm now having lots of confusing and conflicting feelings that I'm really struggling to process. I don't really want to discuss them with partners yet since I can't make sense of them myself and don't know what I want.

I'd kinda love to use this forum as a sounding board with which to make sense of it all, but I also don't want to post that sort of thing publicly. If anyone feels particularly skilled with emotional processing and doesn't mind listening and/or gives good advice on making sense of feelings... then I'd really appreciate a PM.

Andrew
 
Hi Andrew,

I don't have any special relationship skills, but if you want to send me a PM, I'll do my best.

Glad your date went very well.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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