New and sad

[Marcus]

...but I have a problem with often being too considerate and constantly thinking about the feelings of others before my own.

What you are describing is the inability (or unwillingness) to set healthy boundaries. A lot of us don't come up learning how to do this and it is a corrosive element to any relationship. I've tanked countless relationships throughout my life because I hadn't yet learned how to set clear and concise boundaries.

I still don't think that excuses the deceit though.

There are a couple of ways you could come at this deceit issue.

You knew that what he wanted was to explore this new thing with the couple. However, he gave you assurance he would deny himself this experience for your sake. Therefor you are justified in holding him over the coals for it.​

​

You knew that what he wanted was to explore this new thing with the couple. Because he lacks the ability (or willingness) to set healthy boundaries with you (a trait that you share), he agreed to something that he didn't want to. Then when push came to shove he chose the experience over abiding by the promise he didn't believe in.​

One is an excuse to be upset. The other is a recognition that the two of you need to do some serious work on having reasonable expectations, setting clear and healthy boundaries, and being graceful receivers of bad news.

You guys really set this thing up for failure, and failure is what you got. Take this as an opportunity to grow and learn about how to have a healthy relationship.

I really wish he had said something like that as well. But it was like he wanted me to make the decision for him, he wanted me to make the rules...just for him to break them.

It's a terrible habit, and it's the birthplace of every "my X cheated on me, what do I do?" question I've ever seen. People agree to something that runs contrary to what they want and who they are, and invariably blows up.

The other side of this is that these considerable breakdowns in communication rarely happen in a vacuum. For every person that cheats because it's too scary to answer a question honestly, I'll show you a person on the other side who does not take bad news gracefully. It's tough to tell people something we know they don't want to hear, so it's our job as receivers to foster a culture of "your authenticity is more important than my getting my way, so tell the truth and take good care of yourself"