New are looking for some advice

H

Happy22

New member
Hey everyone, new to the forum.

So my wife and i have been married for just over a yeah but been together for over 11 years. When started into our open relationship about 8ish years and go and it has grown to where we are now. I've had almost no luck with anyone and that really gets to me and I'm not sure what I can do to change this. My wife has had 50/50 luck.
My wife current "partner" (Not 100%sure atm) wasn't expected and is and ex work mate and a really good friend. So 12 months ago we went to town with him they were hooking up most of the night and the the good too drunk and passed out but was still hooking up with my wife the next morning. About a week later he stared getting weird and stoped talking which crushed her confidence, we ended up finding out he got back together with an ex. Well that didn't last and he knew he had don't wrong and apologized and all was well just friends. Fast forward to last weekend and we were out in town for our anniversary and he joined along aswell just friends, went back to the hotel room non of us were drunk at all and one with led to another and we were all the bed room for 4 or so hours. (Oh and he moved in to our granny flat about a week before this)

Since then they and been flirting again and hooking up, but we aren't sure where things are going. Wife is currently speaking to him now.

I have no problems with her dating him, knowing/seeing them have sex and stuff I kinda enjoy. But I'm struggling with the idea of her being with him with out me as I don't like the idea of sitting alone staring at the ceiling. It love to have some one of my own to hang out with but don't have that at the moment, what can I do?
Cheers😁
 
You have a couple of options.

A) Create boundaries and define what poly is to you. If that means you being present than so be it. That’s your boundary to make, if it makes you comfortable.

B) Start creating your social life, there is no better time to do it than while she is with her BF. Why would you think you need to stair at a wall while she’s away? What’s stopping you from getting out of the house?
 
Inaniel said:
You have a couple of options.

A) Create boundaries and define what poly is to you. If that means you being present than so be it. That’s your boundary to make, if it makes you comfortable.

B) Start creating your social life, there is no better time to do it than while she is with her BF. Why would you think you need to stair at a wall while she’s away? What’s stopping you from getting out of the house?
Click to expand...

I think A is terrible advice on a poly board. That's what I'd expect to see on a swingers' or hotwifing board. Every relationship needs its own space. How would you feel if one of your other partners insisted they always be present with you and your wife? Sounds ridiculous, right?

Everyone is still a human being and deserves to be treated thusly.

In addition, rules are things you impose on other people; boundaries are decisions about what you will handle for yourself. You cannot set a boundary about other people's actions. You might find this article a good read: http://www.makesexeasy.com/boundari...HsqPGlccPx4-gOq7wDATnD4Xa6oehqKCFdUSytjEkqgBI
 
Hello Happy22,

It sounds like you are having trouble finding someone of your own to hang out with. Here are some links (and tips) on how to find poly people:

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations
Click to expand...

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Anyway those are some links/ideas. I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Inaniel said:
You have a couple of options.

A) Create boundaries and define what poly is to you. If that means you being present than so be it. That’s your boundary to make, if it makes you comfortable.

B) Start creating your social life, there is no better time to do it than while she is with her BF. Why would you think you need to stair at a wall while she’s away? What’s stopping you from getting out of the house?
Click to expand...

I probably should have said this before, but we also have 3 children so trying to go out while M is here with R is almost impossible unless we can get the kids watched.

So last night M spoke to R about how he was feeling and what was he looking for out of this, she also completely explained our lifestyle (previously all he know was we were in a open marriage). He seemed a bit weird about being bf/gf and was keen on being FWB, but after the events of last night 😈 and little things he says, we wonder if he is considering it. Though M is not labelling without his go ahead.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and considering what is getting to me about M being with R alone and I've realised I have a few personal insecurities about my performance and stuff like that. M has no problems with how I am and I know I have nothing to worry about with R because we are basically on par with each other so I know it is in my head and I'm not sure how to get past it!?
 
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