New here (backstory)

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wakenbakeOvO

New member
So first off. Hello everyone, I have been lurking here in the shadows for a week or so and I feel ready to talk about stuff

So I have been engaged now for five years to the same woman. Lets call her B. B and I have always been extremely close and we have spent the better part of every day of the last five years together. Not going into to many details here. But B has always had a very high sex drive and before we met she did not believe in monogmy, We have dealt with her cheating once before and let me just say. It did not go well. However this was only about a year into our relationship.

So lets fast forward to present day. We have been in the best place our relationship has ever been in. The sex has been fantastic and we are very much happy. But B starts sleeping on the couch and staying up very late. I like to think of myself as observant. So I wait a few days and I ask her what is going on. We always have been open and honest about us due to the nature of our relationship (BDSM).

So she lets me know that she has been speaking to one of her ex's and she has an interest in continuing the relationship with him. So huuuge fight. crying, screaming, fucking, and one huge decision later I decide I would be willing to give this thing a chance. This has been about a week ago. So she is talking to him now openly. We have talked rules.
1. Never in our home
2. One month before they have sex
3. She must come home every time
4. Condoms

So now I am here. I am working on controlling my jealousy and my irrational fears. Her relationship with him is new. So she spends alot of time on her phone talking to him. And they have met up once to talk over coffee. I am not afraid of small things. Like her leaving me for him. Or him being a better lover ( I struggle in this department). I I can't seem to decide if I am depressed or happy for her. She is elated to peruse this and tells me this is something she has been thinking of for a while. I am also struggling with the fact that she for the moment is 100% against opening the relationship up on my side. She says that she can not even think of me with another woman.

So I am here to expand my knowledge and what I think is comfortable. I need help in my life figuring out if this is something I can do. I have been 100% faithful and dedicated to her. She is my partner for life. But please I need advice and support of people making this change in their life.
 
Greetings wakenbakeOvO,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like your fiancée is very gung ho about pursuing open/polyamory (for herself, but not for you), while you are really struggling. You are like the struggling mono in a mono/poly relationship. Here are some links that may help you ...

And here is The Mono Bill of Rights:

  • We have a right to complete honesty and *full disclosure.* (This doesn't mean we need details, or to be told every time there is a text or phone call. I hope everyone here understands the difference?)
  • We have the right to know that our safety, and the safety of any children we have is taken seriously. This includes physical, emotional/psychological and sexual safety.
  • We have the right to meet, or at least communicate with our partner's other love interests if we choose.
  • We have the right to respect from our partner's other partners, for them to respect our relationship with our partner and not seek to harm it, and for them to respect and adhere to mutually agreed-upon protocols and boundaries.
  • We have the right to expect that polyamorous relationships are conducted in such a way that respects the financial structures existing in our relationship with our polyamorous partner, e.g. where joint funds are limited money should not be spent taking other love interests on vacation.
  • Where our partner's ability to maintain other relationships relies on us taking on extra responsibilities we have the the right to expect a corresponding amount of time be given to us by our partner for ourselves and any interests we may have, e.g. we are not stuck at home and used as a babysitter while our partner is off dating, unless they reciprocate.
  • We have the right to expect that our normal emotional relationship needs will be met by our partner as well as extra support to help us cope with the added pressures of being in a poly/mono relationship.
  • If we are interested in trying out another relationship for ourselves we have the right to do this, with a person of *either* sex, and we have the right to expect our partner's support in this, just as we have supported them.
Take particular note of that last point, you have the right to try out another relationship for yourself if you so desire.

Are You in Poly Hell?

Also, I am hearing you say that you are having some struggles with jealousy. Here are some more links that may help with that.

Hopefully the above lists/links are helpful to you, see also our Master Thread - links to other threads worth reading. There is so much you can learn on this forum, as you have no doubt already learned. Continue to read and post, and let us know of your thoughts and questions as you go along. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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