New here, exploring possibilities

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decidedonlove

New member
Hi all! Obviously I'm new here and figured the best place to start would be to introduce myself.

I'm a poly girl in a mono marriage. My husband and I have tried an extra marital relationship in the past, but it ended when the other guy said he wanted to be in a relationship with me and not me and my husband. Since then we've struggled to find common ground in our desires.

I've recently begun a campaign of complete honesty and transparency which has led us to having many long conversations about what we want for our lives. This has been spurred on by recent admissions by my best friend and her husband, that they want to be in a relationship with me and my husband. I want that, man do I ever want that, but I want to do it right.

So my husband and I have gone round and round, with depression, anger, name calling, etc. Eventually he admitted he wanted the relationship with them too, but that he was afraid I'd want that more than I wanted our marriage. We've agreed to work on our marriage until we come to a point where we feel comfortable opening up to them.

So all that to say, I don't have much experience in this arena, but I want to learn as much as I can so I can keep my relationships intact and healthy.

Thanks for reading, and hopefully I'll get to meet many of you!
 
Greetings decidedonlove,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sounds like you are working hard to do things right, I have to commend you for that. It is not easy to wait on a poly relationship until your original relationship is on solid footing, but it's the wise thing to do. I hope we can help you achieve that goal.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you for the information!

Yeah, we're trying. He's vacillating back and forth between "You don't want to be married to me because you don't want what I want." and "Let's fix our marriage and then we'll revisit it."

It's confusing, emotionally difficult, and it's causing a lot of drama between the two of us. Overall though, I know I want him more than I want a poly relationship, as attractive as it is. So this may be something I end up giving up on.
 
What about the idea of marriage counseling? Is that something that would help?
 
Definitely! We've been seeing a therapist for a while now, but I don't particularly value his perspective in this area. He believes trans people to be mentally ill, which demonstrates some key disagreements between us. I have found a poly friendly therapist who I'm planning to see Monday, but my husband is a bit upset. He believes I want to see that therapist so that I can get confirmation that what I want is okay, that he should be the one to compromise and let me have whatever.

That's not what I'm looking for, though. I'm hoping to learn how we can make our relationship work with both of our desires, even if that means I give some up. I just want to see someone who understands that poly is a thing, instead of someone who will just dismiss it outright.
 
I think you've got it right ... a poly-friendly therapist won't necessarily condone everything you do if you're poly; it's just that they accept poly as one possible way of doing things.
 
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